Chapter 16 #2
“I will. I just needed a moment.” I let out a breath. “I was thinking of Courtney and the kids. Of how I wasn’t fast enough that one time. Couldn’t have been fast enough. Again, I nearly wasn’t this time either.”
Thatcher’s face paled, his jaw tensing. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t fast enough either. I’m sorry I couldn’t save your family.”
“I don’t blame you,” I blurted, something I should have said long ago.
Thatcher’s brows lowered, and he shook his head.
“You never talk to me like you used to. You don’t look at me the same.
I blame me, Bodhi. I’m never going to forgive myself for not being able to save your family, Bodhi.
I know what this job entails. I’ve been at it since I was eighteen, and I’ve seen things I’m never going to forget, things that will always break me.
But I’ll never forgive myself for not saving your family. ”
I reached out and slid my hand over his shoulder and squeezed.
“I know you blame yourself. But you shouldn’t.
Honestly, I used to blame myself, and maybe some part of me always will.
Because I wasn’t in the house. Maybe I would have woken up before the smoke hit, but that serial arsonist…
he disabled all of the smoke detectors. He got into our house when we weren’t there, and it was premeditated.
All these things that we learned after, and yet, I feel like we should have known.
Maybe if I had known that the man was getting closer to Ashford Creek, I would have found a way to add better security.
Or even any security. We were so safe out here, at least felt like we were, that we just had multiple door locks.
I didn’t even have a camera other than the doorbell one. ”
“None of us did. But we sure as fuck do now.”
“Yes. I know. Even though somehow it still wasn’t enough to keep Kiera safe on the property and all,” I bit out.
“I’m still sorry. For all of it.”
“You guys did everything you could. I truly don’t blame you for what happened to my family. I don’t blame you or Rune’s dad. I blamed myself more than anything. I hated myself and thought it would be better if I died versus having to live with the guilt of surviving.”
Thatcher cursed under his breath. “I hope you don’t mean that.”
“I did. But not anymore. I think trying to survive now is harder than anything I’ve ever done, but I’m trying. For Malcolm. For my babies. For Courtney. They would hate me if I ended it because of guilt. And for a while, that was the one thing that kept me alive.”
Thatcher squeezed my shoulder so hard I knew I would bruise later. “Bodhi.”
“It’s the truth. I can’t stop that.”
“But now?”
“Now I have something to live for.” I shook my head. “She’s leaving now.” And after getting hurt once again, she would be leaving sooner than later. Staying in this small town was only part of her respite. It wasn’t her life. It couldn’t be.
“I didn’t know it was like that between you two. Not that serious.” Thatcher sighed. “It’s good. For you. You deserve happiness with Kiera.”
“She’s not staying. This isn’t her moment. She’s going to leave any day now, and I can’t go with her. It’s not like that between us.”
Thatcher opened his mouth to say something, but I was done talking about this.
I hadn’t even meant to blurt any of those words out to begin with.
“Either way, I wanted you to know that I don’t blame you.
That you don’t have to look at me as if you’re afraid I want to kill you.
All I see is the man who tried to save my family and the man who’s covered in as many burns as I am.
I see my friend. So thank you. For trying.
” I shook my head. “I’m just tired of looking at that frown on your face all the time.
It’s fucking annoying.” I tried to lace humor in my words, and Thatcher smiled. For that, I was grateful.
“You’re an idiot.”
“Maybe, but I’m trying.”
“That is true.” Thatcher cleared his throat. “Go see Kiera. She was asking about you. Your sister’s in there, as are Felicity and some of the other girls, but you need to go. Don’t bury yourself like you have been.”
I let out a breath but knew that it was time for me to go in.
I reached out, hugged Thatcher in a bruising hug, before I turned and went back to the front doors. They slid open, and I nodded at the front desk, having already checked in.
“Bodhi, I just heard about Kiera. Is she okay?” somebody asked, and it took me a moment to recognize them as one of the elementary school teachers. The same man who had blamed me for my family’s death. My chest tightened, ready for him to blame me for this, too, until he continued talking.
“What am I saying? You can’t give me her medical information.
But just let her know that the town is thinking of both of you.
You did good, protecting her. I cannot believe that lowlife trash fought through us to get to her.
We’re not going to let it happen again.” He gave me a firm nod, confusing the fuck out of me, before I realized that those in the waiting room weren’t looking at me with that familiar condemnation that they once had.
No, they had worry on their faces for Kiera…and for me.
When had that happened? When had the people who had once thought me a murderer, thought to protect me?
I didn’t have any answers to that, and I didn’t want any, so instead I just gave a tight nod and moved toward the back area where I knew Kiera’s room was.
I wasn’t sure there was anything else for me to say to the town that had once betrayed me, but perhaps they were trying to find their forgiveness just as I was.
At least some of that. I didn’t know what to do with this feeling, so I did what I did best, and buried it deep down, and let out a breath as Teagan walked out of one of the rooms.
“There you are.” My sister wrapped her arms around me, and I hugged her close.
“That asshole’s in jail, and I hope he rots in it.”
“I agree. I love when you’re feisty.” I kissed the top of her head, and she laughed.
“Go talk to her.”
“I’m trying.”
“Are you okay?” she asked, the worry in her gaze familiar.
“I’ll be okay. As long as she is.”
“I want to say I’m so happy for you, but I don’t know how this is going to go.”
I let out a laugh that held no humor. “Always with the honesty, sister mine. As long as Kiera’s safe. That’s all that matters.”
“Really? Is that true?”
“It has to be.” I kissed her temple and then moved past her toward the hospital room.
Kiera lay in the hospital bed, her chin bandaged, as well as her arm. She had a bruise on her neck but otherwise looked way better than Jeremiah had.
“Hey, you,” Kiera said, worry etched on her face.
I moved forward, so damn afraid I would startle her, and went to the edge of her bed. Then I leaned down and cupped her face—careful of her bandage. “You look beautiful.”
“Liar.”
“Well, I’m always going to think you look beautiful.”
The surprise on her face made me want to kick myself.
I was not good at this. The fact that I didn’t even know what this was told me that.
But for however long I had Kiera in that moment, I had to make sure she knew how much she mattered to me.
I wasn’t sure that either one of us could do long-term or were made for it anymore.
But at this moment, she needed to know how precious she was.
“You’re beautiful, Kiera. And if you have scars, yours can just match mine.” I hadn’t meant to say those words, and as her eyes filled, I wanted to kick myself.
“I love your scars. Not why you have them. But I love the man you’ve become.”
Her eyes widened, and I realized that she hadn’t meant to say those words.
“I love you too,” I whispered, the words ripped from me. “I just, I don’t know what that means.”
“I don’t know either.” This time, the tears slid down her cheeks, and I kissed them away.
“Just hold me?” she asked. “You are so massive that it’s going to be a tight fit on this bed, but hold me. Before they kick us out.”
“I can do that.” Heart in my throat, I helped her gently shift, knowing that she was bruised on her side, and did indeed nearly take up the entire bed. But she curled into me, her hand on my chest.
“I was so scared. I’m glad that you were there.”
“I don’t want to think about what would happen if I wasn’t. Others were coming though. This town…they care.”
“Tell me about it.”
I explained about the teacher in the lobby, and the others, and her eyes widened.
“What does that mean?”
“I have no idea.”
“All I know is that I’m tired, though. And I’m glad that Jeremiah will be behind bars, and this part will be over.”
I swallowed hard, hating the finality of those words. Because if this part was over, she would be leaving soon.
I felt her tears along my chest, so I held her close, careful of her bandages.
“I love you, Bodhi.”
I let out a shaky breath. “I love you, too, Kiera.
But I knew that no matter what, love wasn’t always enough.