Chapter 4
Crusher – Age Twenty-Six
I grunt as I hit the punching bag, left, right, left, right, while Knuckles, watches me like a fucking hawk, but I ignore him like I always do.
“You cheated on me?” she asks calmly, too fucking calmly for my liking, and I swallow hard.
“I wasn’t thinking, baby, all I could hear was my dad not loving me, not appreciating me after I worked my whole fucking life to make him proud and I just wanted to feel wanted in that moment, please, I’m so sorry.”
I hit the bag hard, and Knuckles calls, “Careful, brother, don’t make me drag you out of the ring,” but I ignore him even though I know he would do it with it being his gym and all. I kick the bag before doing quick jabs, trying to breathe through them, but all I feel is empty, so fucking empty.
Alexiana shakes her head as she takes a few steps back, and I quickly take two forward and plead, “Don’t, baby, don’t try to run for my mistake, I swear it won’t happen again.”
“You cheated on me!” she screams, full of pain as her tears fall and mine quickly follow.
“I’ll do anything, Alex, fucking anything, but please, don’t give up on me, it was a mistake, I stopped it before she undid my jeans, I stopped…” I choke, and she lets out a sob and quickly covers her mouth with the back of her hand.
“Don’t leave me,” I plead, and she shakes her head and goes to the stairs, and I panic, “Freckles, please, I’ll do anything,” and she spins around and demands, “Leave the club,” and I freeze.
Fuck, I never thought she’d ask that.
“Alex,” I choke, but she shakes her head as she wipes away her tears and says, “she’s always going to be around, and you have b-broken my trust, I-I can’t trust you anymore,” she takes a deep breath to try and control her tears before she demands, “You want to save us then leave the club until you can win my trust back. You’ve just said it yourself, your dad has shoved you aside, not giving a shit, you’ve broken us because of his decisions.
So, leave the club until I feel ready to trust you around them, around her. ”
“No,” I choke automatically, and her tears fall, and I realize I’ve just broken her even more by making a decision I will spend the rest of my life regretting.
“Brother!” Knuckles warns as I kick the bag repeatedly, the memory suffocating me, and he threatens, “Don’t make me call Kodi,” but again, I ignore him.
The fucker claimed Kodi, who has quit her job at the precinct, meaning she can’t lock me up again to keep me from self-destructing.
They’re getting married, something not many know, and I’m happy for them, I really fucking am, but fuck, I should be living my life with my girl right now.
After giving her time to cool down, refusing to allow her to leave after my fuck up, I went to the gym in the basement only to return to find her and half her shit gone.
She claimed her diploma via email, didn’t deliver her valedictorian speech, and disappeared.
Eight years, that is how long it has been since I last saw my girl, and I’ve been drowning ever since, slowly shutting down.
“She’s moved on with her life,” Leena says as she runs her tongue along her top teeth, and I tense as she looks me up and down, her run-down café completely empty like always.
Since Alex left, the woman has been selling her body to keep her shithole of a café open because, of course, my girl was paying her fucking bills without telling me. Right now, I feel fucking dirty with how she is looking at me.
“What do you mean by that? You said that shit last time!” I snap, and she shrugs.
“It means she’s seeing someone, so maybe you need to as well,” she husks, trying to be sexy as she looks me up and down, and I growl before storming out of the shithole, trying to control my urge to burn the place down.
Five times I’ve come here and five times she’s said shit I don’t like.
“Son?” I hear my dad call in between my jabs and I tense even further as Knuckles sighs.
The only brother who can see my disconnect with my father while everyone else is focusing on Blaze’s disconnect.
Of course, Linc still prospected in and took over his role, something he says he’s done for me, to have a relationship with me but I haven’t spoken to the fucker since he punched me in the face for kissing Roxy.
He blamed me for her leaving town, only just noticing that I’d shut down after he hit me then regretted hitting me instantly.
Trick, our VP, mentioned he patched him in, after I refused to sponsor him, to keep an eye on me, but as far as I’m concerned, he can fuck off, and so can the man trying to get my attention.
“I don’t think now is the right time, Killer,” Knuckles grunts as I kick the bag again.
I can feel the sweat dripping from me, I can feel tiredness taking over, but I need that, I need something to help me pass out.
Unless I’m working, I’m here, trying to tire myself out.
“He’s my son, I just need one fucking minute!” Killer snaps, and Knuckles reminds him, “You tried stopping him from becoming Sergeant!” and I grind my back teeth and boot the bag.
“He can’t take over from you because my eldest will become the road captain, meaning he can only be a normal brother!” my dad snaps as I walk away from Shooter after refusing to take over from him. He hadn’t caught the whole conversation, and the club stays silent, tension radiating from the room.
His eldest, who wants fuck all to do with him, right…
“And you spent years forcing him to learn a fucking role you’ve just torn from him after you cheated on your fucking wife!” Shooter shouts, “Stop punishing your son for your fucking actions like you have done since you got half of us arrested!”
I don’t stop walking. I’ve done my job, went on the club run, while ignoring that fucker who is supposed to be my biggest supporter, so I don’t need to be here anymore.
I don’t want to be a patched brother, so why in the fuck would I want to be an officer for a role I was never trained for?
“I hereby put in a club vote for Crusher to get sworn in once Cage is released from prison!” Shooter declares, and the whole room shouts, “Aye!” but I don’t stop, instead, I slam out of the fucking clubhouse, wishing Cage wasn’t locked up.
Cage got locked up after Toya killed his sister, and he hasn’t been the same, continuously rebelling, hating life, refusing to take his rightful place, and I don’t fucking blame him because, fuck, I don’t even want to be here.
“Son!” my dad snaps, and I kick the bag even harder with a grunt before I spin and walk to the end of the ring, adamant to leave. “Look, I just want a minute, I miss my son,” he says as I grab my shirt, putting it on, then I grab my cut, reluctantly putting it on, before grabbing my keys.
“Get lost, Killer,” I snap as I storm past my father, who opens his mouth.
I want fuck all to do with him, especially after he announced to everyone a month after Alexiana left that I couldn't have loved her that much because I fucked Roxy in the strip club. Blaze lost it, all because I refused to speak to him about it, and Dad declared Alexiana’s cut had to be dismissed, which no one agreed with.
Yes, I fucked her once because, of course, I was again drunk, but I haven’t touched her since, as everyone believes.
I wanted to hurt my girl for hurting me by not fighting for us.
She knew I regretted what I did, she knew I was fucked up in the head and made a stupid decision.
She knows it will forever haunt me, but then she ran and after graduation when I realized she wasn’t even coming back for that, I got drunk, I made the biggest mistake of my life, especially when Roxy claimed to be pregnant even though I fucked her in the ass.
The bitch still works at the strip club and is still singing about how we’re together. I just can’t be fucked to entertain her, and I certainly cannot be fucked to entertain him.
Just like Blaze, I haven’t spoken much to my father, and I prefer it that way.
“Son, please,” Dad pleads as he follows me out, and I climb on my bike.
Mom agreed to give him another chance, despite him fathering another child, despite him pushing me out like I meant fuck all to him.
He begged and she agreed to counseling, and if I’m being honest, I haven’t spoken to her much either because I can’t understand how she can forgive him fathering someone, about knowing about it and keeping quiet about the possibility of the child being his.
Fuck, she even wants Blaze to call her ‘Mom’.
He’s a selfish motherfucker, while she’s an idiot.
“I’m sorry, son, please,” he says, and I mutter, “Tough shit,” as I start my bike and rev it.
I don’t know what he expects.
For the first two years after everything came out, he spent all his time with Blaze, teaching him the ropes, and I get it, he had a shitty upbringing.
Dad is to blame for that, but my own father dismissed me, after spending half my life putting me down if I didn’t do as he said.
If I didn’t read the map right, if I tried to go to a club party or even have a fucking laugh at a club family day and I get it, Blaze is only in the club because of me.
I understand he wants to be close again, but honestly, our relationship was fractured after he punched me, not seeing the turmoil I was in finding Alexiana gone.
“I miss my fucking son!” he shouts, and I salute him and remind him, “Your son is currently at work, in the office at the strip club,” and he growls with frustration, and he snaps, “You’re being immature!”
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have forced me to learn a role, taking away all my free time.
Hours upon hours of learning, only to shove me aside when I did nothing but try to make you proud,” I reply and I rev my bike before I say loudly, “Go back to your prodigal who you wanted aborted, yeah?” before I roar off down the road without looking back.
***
Four hours later and several missed calls from the club, I look over the meadows. My girl’s laugh from when I ran after her in them, then making love to her in the tall grass, coming back to me. A few tears fall, and I take a deep breath before grabbing my phone from my cut.
I unlock it, a picture of my girl and me, the evening after I gave her the property cut, two months before I fucked up, both of us so fucking happy.
I swallow hard as I go to my call log and press her number, like I do every single day, keeping her up to date on the day-to-day events.
I know she’s probably ditched the phone, but I just… fuck, I need to speak to her, or believe that I am, even if I’m not.
The phone rings out before her voicemail hits, and I sigh as her voice echoes, “Hey, this is Alex. I can’t get to the phone right now. Hayes is probably occupying my time, but if you leave a message, I’ll try and get back to you…”
The phone beeps, and I sigh, “Freckles,” as I lean my head back against the wall and close my eyes.