Chapter 20
Alexiana
“You hungry?” I ask Kayden, and he shrugs, making me twitch my nose, and I lean against the kitchen counter while he looks over his schoolwork, and worry hits me.
Two days, that's how long it’s been since Hayes said he won’t be returning to Hill Crest until we do.
He pissed off his MC and his dad, who have been calling him nonstop, worried he won’t return to the club.
His dad has even tried calling me, not that I’ve answered and two days, Kayden still won’t look at me.
I said I’d move back, but I’m second-guessing my decision.
I’ve had time to think, the jackass manipulated me by bringing Kayden into it, using my hurt and motherly instincts against me.
I get it, I do, he doesn’t want to lose Kayden, he thinks he wants to try again with me, to try and save our marriage, and yes, I do still love him, but love isn’t always enough.
I fought for him, I fought my demons, my insecurities, my past for him, and he basically threw it in my face. I just don’t know if it is a good idea to move back where my hurt centers, and maybe moving elsewhere would be better, somewhere where there is no pain or heartache, no terror.
I spoke to someone this morning about an apartment outside of Hill Crest.
“Kayden,” I begin, but he cuts me off and asks, “When is daddy coming back?” without looking at me, and I swallow hard again.
When he’s off like this, I feel like he hates me for keeping him here, but after overhearing him the other night, I know it’s out of guilt.
“Soon, he’s just meeting up with the local ambulance service,” I reply softly, though I did tell him not to bother because again I did say I’d move back.
I’d meet him in Hill Crest in a few weeks but the man is adamant about staying here until I get my shit in order.
He said he can’t sit still otherwise he may break in the women’s correctional facility and kill the woman who hurt our son without caring about getting locked up.
Well, as long as I give him conjugal visits which obviously I did not find funny.
Kayden needs him, especially right now, and preferably not locked up, and me, well, I need to sort my scrambled head out.
I rub my forehead. The woman has been given forty years for attempted murder, and her major problem isn’t the divorce she was handed by Toupee. It’s the inmates who will target her because she tried killing a seven-year-old. She’s going to suffer and will most likely not survive the year.
I tilt my head at my sullen-looking son when he doesn’t reply to me, and I swallow the lump forming.
He isn’t happy if his daddy isn’t here, who is his comfort blanket, I guess.
Hayes has been trying to comfort Kayden for the past two nights when he’s woken up from nightmares. He has refused to stay anywhere but here, despite my protests, and normally it works. I’m beginning to think he doesn’t feel safe here anymore.
Maybe he doesn’t feel safe with me?
I open my mouth to try and get him to speak to me, but my phone rings, and I sigh as I grab it from my pocket and answer without looking at the screen, thinking maybe it's Hayes, keeping my eyes on my son.
“Hello?” I answer with a sigh, and my best friend replies, “Well, someone sounds happy.”
I smile automatically.
“It’s been a hard few weeks,” I admit, and Linc hums.
“I can only imagine,” he whispers, “You’ve been through a lot. Kay getting shot, Hayes suddenly back in your life, it is a lot. I understand, but Alex, come home, please.”
“Not you too,” I sigh as I walk out the back door and take a seat on the wooden bench.
“Surely you would have seen this coming, you’re my best friend, and I miss you.
The girls miss you, and Hayes, look, Alex, I don’t want you to think I’m on his side with this, but I’ve seen him self-destruct for the past eight years.
I’ve seen him push everyone away including me and struggled to breathe without you. ”
“I’m beginning to sound like a broken record, Linc, he cheated,” I huff, fed up with everyone rooting for him, trying to convince me to give him a second chance, all because eight years have passed; no one sees the struggles I’m having right now, no one wants to see the pain I still hold.
“And he has beaten himself up daily since you left because of it. He has physically had people beating him up in the ring,” he sighs, and I shake my head.
“You’re supposed to be my friend,” I choke, feeling a little betrayed.
“I am your friend,” he whispers, but I shake my head.
I’m drained, I’ve barely had time to think since the school shooting, which was what, three weeks ago now? And I’m beginning to shut down. I can feel it, and the fact that my childhood friend isn’t seeing things from my point of view, knowing what I lived with, well, it’s making things worse.
“I’m always on your side, Alexiana,” Linc says fiercely, “But I’m also on his, and you two, you were supposed to be together, you were supposed to be growing your family.
\ I know he cheated, I fucking understand, but you are being stubborn,” I scrunch my nose but soon scowl when he adds, “You’re running scared. ”
“You’re not being fair!” I snap, and he chuckles.
“I don’t have time to be fair. My best friend, who hadn’t even called me over the years, cutting me out, is finally within my grasp.
I’m finally seeing life in my baby brother again after eight years of watching him self destruct,” he says, “Fuck, Alex, you know how close I was to him, right?” I hum so he knows I’m listening even though like a child I don’t want to be, “He has barely said twenty words to me outside of club business in eight years, since the brothers convinced me to take the road captain role and instead of getting closer with him again, I lost him completely.”
I frown as I sit forward and I ask, “What do you mean by force you?”
When Hayes mentioned in the voicemails that Linc took the role he was supposed to have, I was shocked. I was a little disappointed in him for pushing his friend away like that.
As much as Hayes hurt me, he didn’t deserve the treatment he got from his dad.
He sighs, “Several of the old timers cornered me at college. I’d spent probably three months trying my fucking hardest to get Hayes to talk to me, but the idiot blocked me.
They were all convinced that me joining the club, having Chains sponsor me because Hayes stepped back from everyone, that Hayes would settle, that we’d get our friendship back on track.
Of course, Killer had to train me and that caused more friction between us,” he huffs, “I didn’t want to be a brother, but I wanted my little brother in my life and in the end I realized this way was probably the only way, I just didn’t expect him to resent me. ”
“He doesn’t resent you, Linc,” I whisper, the hurt in his voice hard to hear.
“Daddy!” I hear my son cheer, and I flinch before looking forward.
Maybe Kayden does hate me?
Linc scoffs, “Yeah, right, what world are you living in, Alex. You haven’t been around, you haven’t seen the distrust and hate he glares my way, and only recently, it’s been Kayden who has softened him.”
I hear the back door open then close, and I repeat, “Hayes doesn’t resent you,” just as the man takes a seat next to me.
He doesn’t put his arm around me, knowing I’m struggling with his touch. He does sit close enough that I feel his heat.
“How can you be so sure?” Linc chokes, and I smile softly.
“Because, despite not being around for the past eight years, I know my husband. He loves you. He’s just struggling with his emotions because the whole situation was so messed up.
I mean, your dad has only just opened his eyes to see how wrong he was way back then.
He shoved Hayes aside, Linc, after spending years grinding into him not to mess up with the club, micromanaging his life, he shoved him aside, and he’s struggled with that, but he doesn’t resent you.
” I say, and Hayes nods with a small smile as I look his way.
“I wanted him to find himself within the club, and to see if he could have a relationship with my mom and our dad without my hurt influencing his decisions,” Hayes says softly, and I nod in understanding while Linc grunts, “Fucking jackass!” and my lips twitch.
“As I said, he doesn’t resent you,” I whisper, and he sighs as I murmur, “Next time you call him, he will answer,” and I give Hayes a pointed brow, and he nods in agreement, making me melt slightly.
And this is one of my problems – he always listens to my words, hears them, and most of the time agrees with them, making it hard to walk away.
He shows me respect, but those two acts, even after all this time, I’m struggling to let it all go. Linc is right, I need to speak to Hayes, and I need to see if he can get through to our son.
“I need to go, but I’ll message you later, okay?” I say to Linc, and he sighs again.
“I love you, you know that, Alex. You’re not just my best friend, but you’re my sister. I’ll always have your back, even when you think I don’t. You two belong together.”
With that said, he hangs up, and I shake my head.
“He thinks you hate him, you need to fix it,” I begin, and Hayes hums.
“I know, I guess as the months and then years went by, talking became difficult,” he admits, and I nod because I understand more than most.
“He won’t speak to me,” I whisper after a few minutes of silence, “He grunts, he barely looks at me,” I swallow hard, “I feel like he hates me right now for forcing him back here.”
“He doesn’t, he feels guilty for telling you that he hated you when he didn’t.
He let his anger out and he gets that from me,” Hayes says softly before he murmurs, “Here,” and hands me a water, and I give him a slight smile before unscrewing the lid and taking a few big gulps, trying to psyche myself up for this conversation.
Going back to Hill Crest, I don’t think it is a good idea but I can compromise and move an hour away from there. Maybe see if I can change colleges or do my courses online, I mean, there’s no ice rink near there but I always knew I wouldn’t get a career in skating.
Maybe Hayes and I could try to be friends? I don’t know how to really let him in further than that right now.
I blink as tiredness hits, my mouth suddenly dry, and I take some more big sips of the water before I mumble, “We need to talk, Hayes,” and he hums, but it sounds underwater.
“I-I, move, Hill Crest, not, no go,” I stumble over my words before I sway slightly, and Hayes quickly wraps his arm over my shoulders, helping me lean against him as my eyes feel heavy.
“Hill Crest, no, no, can’t, hurt, pain,” I continue to stumble as I lay my head on Hayes’s shoulder, everything blurring.
“I, what, I mean, so tired…” I gurgle as I blink, then slowly close my eyes.
“Get some rest, baby, it’s been a hard few weeks,” I just hear Hayes say, his voice different, and I close my eyes as I drop the bottle of water.
His voice sounding far away as he calls for our son is the last thing I hear as I slowly fall into him, a deep sleep, sucking me in.
Sleep, hmmm…