23. Chapter 22
Alexiana
I tilt my head as I watch Kayden sleep peacefully in his motorcycle room. My heart breaks a little at how relaxed he is, unlike how he’d sleep back in Rose Hill, tossing and turning, crying in his sleep.
I made a mistake, and I already knew it, but seeing it makes it clearer.
A few tears fall, and I quickly wipe them away.
When I came downstairs a few hours ago, my eyes went to all the photos on the wall, the memories.
My heart cracks because this was my home, a place I thought I’d grow a family in with Hayes.
It didn’t help that everything that Hayes and I had decorated hadn’t changed.
My dark grey throw was still over the leather couch, my slippers near the door.
Even the plants I bought that he has somehow managed to keep alive after all this time still sit on the windowsills.
The paintings I chose still hanging, pictures of us everywhere, including the one of us on our wedding day, large in front of the fireplace.
I tried to ignore it all, I tried to shove the memories, the pain, down, and focus on the little trouble who has been feeding his father everything he overheard me say or do, even if it was hard.
Guess Hayes should have made sure I couldn’t hear his conversation when I woke up dizzy and disoriented, handcuffed. It took me over twenty-four hours to recognize the room we once slept in, the bed we made love in the day he moved me in. That’s when I realized the asshole drugged me.
I sigh as Kayden turns in his sleep. I couldn’t think about anything else, I refused to allow myself to because if I did, I would have torn this home apart in anger that my husband drugged me and dragged me back to Hill Crest.
I chew my bottom lip as I watch Kayden's little chest move up and down slowly.
He was finishing up his schoolwork, and despite side-eyeing me, gauging my reaction, the little monster ignored me, and now I’m understanding why.
He felt like he was betraying me by speaking to his father about my plans for us and I get where he was coming from, I do.
He wanted to live with his daddy, but he also didn’t want to lose me.
He has to come to understand not all parents stay together, I mean, he was born without his father around no thanks to that woman.
As much as people say, like my so-called friend Linc, that if I had shown up with a baby I would have seen everything she sent was a lie, she sent me pictures of him holding a goddamn baby for Christ sake!
Frustration runs through me at my current situation, of not feeling like I have any control of my life right now.
A warm hand grazes my hip and tingles rush through me sending electric bolts throughout my body.
The hand splays flat on my stomach, and I feel soft, warm lips touching my shoulder, a lip ring giving me that sense of peace as it glides over my skin.
“How are your balls?” I ask quietly as I keep my eyes on my son.
Do I feel bad for hitting Hayes and kneeing him? No, I don’t, he deserved it. I may have felt a little bit bad when I saw him icing them while he was on the phone with Trick, worried I may have busted one, which I didn’t, he was just being dramatic.
Maybe he should try pushing a baby out on his own.
“Better after icing them,” he admits as he places his chin on my shoulder and cautiously wraps his arms around my waist and even though I should pull away.
Even as the picture of him in pleasure hits my eyes yet again whenever I think about even discussing our future let alone him being near or touching me.
Instead, I gently lean against him causing his arm to tighten around my waist and we watch our son.
God, it is still so weird that Kayden has met his dad, that he was shot… It just all feels surreal, like it’s a nightmare I just can’t seem to wake up from.
“He’s worried you’ll be mad at him,” Hayes says after a few minutes of silence.
“I could never be mad at him for wanting his parents together,” I admit and it’s the truth, we just have to help him understand not all parents belong together, that they can still be in love but not have that kind of future.
Not that I will tell Hayes that part, because the man is on a mission to win me back.
I just don’t know how I can move forward right now when my whole life is up in flames.
I mean dammit, he’s canceled my college class that will get me jobs that could have our son living comfortably.
I worked my butt off and nearly finished my degree, only one subject holding me back.
He hums. “That’s because you are a really good fucking mama,” he whispers, but I don’t say anything in return as I swallow my scoff.
Right now, I don’t feel like a good mom. I know everything I have done has been for Kayden, but taking him back to Rose Hill was a mistake. I can see that, especially with how content he seems to be here, in my favorite place on earth.
I traumatized him because I was selfish and couldn’t be here, and even now, I feel like I’m suffocating.
“Admit it, you're both more relaxed here,” Hayes murmurs, but I don’t nod. Instead, I remind him, “You hurt me and being here hurts me, but Kayden is content, and he is all I care about right now, his feelings, and his safety.”
Hayes sighs, “I know I hurt you, but haven’t I suffered enough? I still love you, Alexiana. You’re still my wife, my old lady. Your cut is hanging in our closet, you never gave it back, you took it with you, and that has to mean something.”
“I didn’t give it back because it’s a part of our history, part of me finally allowing someone in and reminding me how much it hurts when they destroy you and Hayes, sometimes love isn’t enough,” I whisper.
“I know it isn’t, but it’s a start, isn’t it?” he replies, “It means we can rebuild the trust, to find us again,” he sighs, “Fight for me, baby, like I fight for you every single day, please…”
“How can I fight for you when I don’t know if I want to?” I ask, “I’m not trying to be mean, Hayes, I’ve gone eight years building a life on my own, figuring out who I am.”
He cuts me off, “But you haven’t been happy,” and I flinch before I get out of his hold and walk out of my son's room. I head to the guest room, not wanting to hear the reality because I know I haven’t been happy, I know I have hated life and that Kayden is the only reason why I get up in the mornings.
“Freckles, walking away isn’t going to stop me from telling you the truth,” he snaps before he grips my arm and then drags me to the master bedroom as he growls, “And like fuck are you staying in the fucking guest room,” and I gasp as he shoves me into the room I used to stay in before I glare at him.
“Don’t make me knee you again, Hayes!” I threaten, and he growls as he stalks my way, but I hold my ground, even as he wraps his hand around my throat. I don’t move.
I trust Hayes with my life, I just don’t trust him with my heart.
“I’d like to see you fucking try, baby girl, because as soon as your knee lifts up, I’ll have you on that bed and handcuffed before you can say fucking ‘boo’!
” he sneers as he tightens his hold on my neck.
He snaps, “I have spent eight fucking years trying to find you. Eight years missing you like crazy, only to find you three fucking hours away, with my son no less. You were living a life you didn’t even fucking like with debts as long as your fucking arm.
I’m not letting you go again, and if I have to handcuff you until you realize it, then so fucking be it! ”
That said, he slams his lips against mine while keeping hold of my neck, and do I shove him away and knee him again?
Nope, I freaking melt.
My hands find their way to his shirt, and he groans into my mouth as I fist the material before he lets go of my neck. Bending slightly, he grabs my ass before lifting me up.
I wrap my legs around his waist and kiss him back harder, my mouth instantly opening for his as he licks the seam of my lips and I grip his hair.
My body heats up as his tongue tangles with mine, and he lays us on the bed before he breaks the kiss and moves down my body. He makes sure to run his lips over my skin so I can feel his lip ring.
“You can hate this in the morning, you can hate this every fucking day until you are blue in the face, but I won’t lose you, I fucking refuse,” he rasps with so much emotion I feel like I can’t breathe before he grips my leggings and panties, then yanks them down my legs.
Before I can even open my mouth to tell him that too much hurt is between us, he spreads my legs, then dives in, sucking my clit into his mouth without pausing. All I can do is gasp and arch my back in shock and pleasure.
He groans gripping my thighs, then eats me like he’s been starved, and I squeeze my eyes tight as my breathing gets heavy.
I shouldn’t be letting this happen. I should be shoving him away, not letting him thrusts two fingers inside me.
He curls them forward and thrusts hard and quick while sucking my clit in pulses.
All rational thoughts leave me, and I allow myself to be moved into that pleasurable bliss I have missed for eight years.
My fingers could never do the job, and I could never afford any toys…
My stomach tightens, and I bite my lip hard to stop myself from screaming as my orgasm takes over quickly. My breathing becomes choppy while Hayes licks up my release, groaning in pleasure.
Holy shit.
I blink, then blink again as the picture comes to mind, making me tense and suddenly feel dirty.
I go to move, but sensing the change in my body, Hayes quickly climbs up my body and slams his lips against mine, forcing his tongue into my mouth.
He forces me to taste myself while he lifts my left leg and places his cock at my entrance.
“Condom,” I choke out as I break the kiss, and he growls like I offended him, like seriously?
The man cheated for Christ's sake!
“You are my wife, I will never fucking use a condom with you,” he snaps, and I open my mouth to remind him of his past transgressions, but he thrusts forward hard. I choke out a gasp as he fills me to the freaking brim.
Holy…
“Shit, baby,” Hayes croaks as he places his face into the crease of my neck, “you’re tight…”
“That tends to happen when the last person I slept with is currently putting me at risk of a possible STD,” I breathe as I grip his hair, happy he never cut it as he threatened in the voicemails if I didn’t return.
“I’ve been celibate for eight years,” he admits, making me tense, “I told you, I fucking love you, and I won’t lose you again.”
That said, he slams his lips against mine again and shoves his tongue into my mouth.
I melt, once again, like an idiot and as soon as he moves his hips back then thrusts forward hard and slow, making love to me, I wrap my legs around his waist. I allow myself this, allow him to make love to me, not once, not twice, but three times before we pass out.
I can regret this in the morning and then figure my life out while ensuring my mother doesn’t hear that I’m back in town.
Right?