Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
I put my car into park on the long gravel driveway and reached for another package of tissues. I ripped it open, my hands shaking. My breath came in sharp, hiccupping gasps that deprived my lungs of air. My chest ached, raw and hollow, as if my heart had shattered into something too sharp to fit back together.
I tried.
And it still didn’t work. I still wasn’t wanted.
No one stayed, no one wanted me.
My throat burned with unshed sobs.
The sharp rap on the window jolted me, snapping me out of the spiral. I turned, my vision blurred, to see Mom standing there, her brow furrowed in worry.
She tried the door, but it was still locked. I hit the unlock button and mom pulled the door open. She squatted down beside me so we were eye level.
“What’s wrong?”
I blew my nose into my tissue. “Oh nothing…” I gasped, trying to catch my breath. “It’s just you and Jane were both wrong.” My head flopped onto the steering wheel as I choked ba ck a sob. “It didn’t work out and now I am miserable. I was fine before. I was content.” I blew my nose into another tissue.
Mom’s hand moved in slow, soothing circles on my back, smoothing out the cracks in me one stroke at a time. “It’s cold,” she said gently and nodded toward her house. “Let’s go inside.” She reached over and took my hand in hers, and pulled me from the car.
I followed her inside, my body shuddering with sharp stabs of pain in my chest.
Sitting at the worn kitchen table, I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. Love wasn’t worth the pain.
“Okay, let’s talk about it.” Mom scooted her chair closer and pulled my face toward her, her arms extended, and she waited for me.
“Oh, Mom.” I buried my face into her as I wrapped my arms around her in a hug, smearing the contents leaking from my face onto her shirt.
“What happened?” Mom wrapped pulled me in tighter.
She wouldn’t let me fall, she wouldn’t leave, because she truly loved me. “I ruined everything.” I reached for another tissue.
Mom wiped the tears off my cheeks. “Oh, I doubt that. But just in case,” she stood from the table and headed over to the cabinet. “I have never faced a problem that couldn’t be softened with some chocolate.” She smiled as she reached into the cupboard and pulled out a battered plastic container—the same one from my childhood, still decorated with fading broccoli stickers.
I let out a watery laugh. “You still keep it in there?”
Mom shrugged. “It helps me not eat it as fast, plus I like the memories it brings with it.” She grabbed a bowl and put some mini candy bars in it and then grabbed an extra box of tissues. “I used to change up the hiding place to see how long it would take for you little heathens to find my chocolate stash.” She chuckled. “It was never long.” She sat beside me, pushing the bowl of chocolate toward me. “Let’s start at the beginning. ”
I folded my arms over my chest trying to hold everything together. “Everything hurts. I let myself hope. I let myself believe that love could work for me. I don’t know why I agreed to date him.” I picked up a Snickers as I gasped for breath. “I was so stupid.”
“That’s not stupid, hon.” She pulled me into a side hug before she reached for a chocolate.
“No, it was.” I nodded, resolute. “Love might work for other people, but it’s not for us.”
Mom leaned back. “What do you mean?”
“Dad left before I could hardly walk, and you haven’t loved anyone else since. You know every relationship is a ticking time bomb, waiting to end.”
“Emma.” Mom smiled. “I have loved and been loved every day of my life.” She raised her brows.
I scoffed and leaned away. “It doesn’t count if it’s us kids.”
She scowled. “Why ever not? You have filled my life with so much love and hope. I never had a day I didn’t feel love. Plus, I have had a few romantic relationships since your father as well.” Mom exhaled, setting her chocolate down. “And your dad didn’t leave us. I made him leave.”
The words didn’t compute at first. I blinked at her, my breath catching in my throat. “Wait…what?”
“Oh, Emma, if you focus too close on the piece in front of you, you will never get to see the whole picture.” She picked up my hand in hers. “But I can promise you I have love, by you and others. I loved your dad, even if we ended up not working out.”
“Wait, you made Dad leave?” My brain was spiraling.
Mom’s shoulders drooped. “Your father was constant proof you can love something that is not good for you.” She reached up and brushed a tear off my cheek. “I know a little about choosing to love yourself over the pretend affections of a man.” Her head tipped lower to see my eyes. “But I also know what it feels like to be loved for who you are, not in spite of it. ”
I didn’t know if it was from the tears or incoming headache but I was spinning. I didn’t know Mom left Dad, or that she had dated through the years. In fact, sitting here at this table with the wonderful woman holding me, I wasn’t sure if I knew my mother at all.
“Love is worth the risk.” She straightened her shoulders. “Now, enough about your father and my love life.” She patted my back. ”What happened to you and Grant?”
This beautiful woman with wrinkles and worn hands had always been there when I needed her. “I love you, Mom.”
She pulled me into another hug. “Love you too, Em, but you’re not getting out of it that easy.”
I chuckled. “I know. I just wasn’t sure I told you enough.” I leaned my head onto her shoulder and absorbed the weight of her head resting against mine.
“Probably not.” I felt her chuckle.
I took a strong breath and started to spill every piece of my shattered heart. She sat there and listened. Not interrupting or judging, just listening.
Once I went over what happened earlier that evening, I felt sick to my stomach. “I was hoping I wouldn’t get him in trouble. I was hoping I could help him. I just got this idea in my head that maybe he needed help and wanted to see me.” I shook my head in defeat. “But I was so, so wrong.”
Mom sat quietly putting her thoughts into place. “I’m sorry about your night, hon, but it also isn’t all on you.” She met my eyes, with raised brows. “You did deserve answers, and you did not intend to cause him trouble.” She pinched her lips and rubbed my hand. “You never know. Tonight might not be as final as you feel.” She wiped a tear from my cheek and pulled me into an embrace. I felt my gasping breaths matching her steady heartbeat, calming my storm.
“No, it is. I even told him I never wanted to see him again as I ran out. ”
Mom continued to rub my back in soft circles. “Maybe.” She shrugged. “Time has taught me a lot of things, and one is that the word never is not as final as it seems. And if it doesn’t work between you and Grant, it wasn’t supposed to, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have more love coming your way.” She leaned back and looked at me. “Now, want to watch a movie?”
I nodded. “Yeah.” I stood and turned toward the living room. I walked in and sat on the corner cushion of the worn blue couch. Mom walked to the back of the room, grabbing my favorite green blanket from the stack and bringing it to me. “All right, which movie are we feeling tonight?”
I grabbed the soft blanket and tugged it tightly around me, hoping the warmth would fill the hole in my chest. The familiar scents wrap around me like a second embrace—lavender laundry soap, faint traces of sun-dried hay, and something indefinably Mom.
The blanket was healing, but mostly it was Mom that was healing, as she held me close, letting me know I was safe and loved no matter what. Her lips pressed against my forehead as I leaned against her, watching the opening credits to the movie.