17. You Cant Have Both
Chapter seventeen
You Can't Have Both
Meca stopped calling every night.
She still answered when Miko called, but the conversations became shorter. The laughter that once carried them past midnight had been replaced by careful questions and quiet pauses.
At work, Meca remained professional. She completed her assignments, responded to Miko’s emails, and helped whenever assistance was needed. But the personal connection between them was slowly disappearing.
Miko noticed everything.
She noticed when Meca brought only one cup of coffee instead of two. She noticed when Meca ate lunch with someone else. She noticed when an entire day passed without receiving a message asking whether she had made it home.
Miko had asked for time, but she hadn’t expected that time to feel like distance.
One Thursday afternoon, Miko walked over to Meca’s desk. “What are you doing after work?”
Meca continued looking at her computer. “I have plans.”
“With who?”
Meca looked up. “Why does that matter?”
“I’m just asking.”
“I’m meeting a friend.”
“What friend?”
Meca leaned back in her chair. “Miko.”
“What?”
“You don’t get to question me like that.”
“I wasn’t questioning you.”
“Yes, you were.”
Miko lowered her voice. “I wanted to spend some time with you.”
“You should’ve asked earlier.”
“Would it have made a difference?”
Meca looked at her for a moment. “I don’t know.”
The answer irritated Miko more than she wanted to admit. “So now you don’t know?”
“I learned it from you.”
Miko folded her arms. “You’re being funny.”
“No, I’m being honest.”
Jemika walked past them carrying a folder. She glanced in their direction but wisely kept moving.
Miko leaned closer. “Can we talk outside?”
“I’m working.”
“After work.”
“I told you I have plans.”
“Then before you leave.”
Meca sighed. “Fine.”
Miko returned to her desk, but she couldn’t concentrate. The idea of Meca spending time with someone else bothered her. She tried to tell herself it was only because their relationship had become distant, but the feeling was more than that.
It was jealousy.
Miko had expected Meca to remain available while she figured out what she wanted. She hadn’t considered that Meca might stop waiting.
At five o’clock, Meca gathered her belongings and walked toward the elevator. Miko followed her.
“You said we could talk.”
Meca pressed the elevator button. “So talk.”
“Not standing here.”
“Miko, I have somewhere to be.”
“Five minutes.”
The elevator doors opened, and they stepped inside. Neither woman spoke as it carried them to the first floor. Once they were outside, Meca turned toward her.
“What do you want to talk about?”
“Us.”
“What about us?”
“I don’t like how things have been between us.”
Meca adjusted her purse on her shoulder. “Neither do I.”
“Then why are you pulling away?”
“Because I need to.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
“No, I don’t.”
Meca shook her head. “You asked me to give you time, so that’s what I’m doing.”
“This doesn’t feel like time. It feels like you’re leaving.”
“Maybe I’m trying to accept that there isn’t a place for me.”
Miko frowned. “I told you that you have a place in my life.”
“But you still can’t tell me what that place is.”
“Why do you need everything defined?”
“I don’t need a label, Miko. I need a boundary.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I’m not going to keep acting like we’re building something while you’re rebuilding your relationship with Jayson.”
“I told you that my feelings for you are different from what I feel for him.”
“And I told you that doesn’t make this easier.”
Miko looked away. Cars moved through the parking lot while employees walked toward their vehicles. She wished they were somewhere private, but she also knew delaying the conversation wouldn’t change it.
“I don’t want to lose you,” Miko said.
Meca’s expression softened. “I don’t want to lose you either.”
“Then don’t walk away.”
“I’m not walking away because I don’t care. I’m stepping back because I care too much.”
Miko felt her chest tighten. “So that’s it?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then what are you saying?”
Meca took a slow breath. “I’m saying you can’t have both.”
The words landed harder than Miko expected.
“You said you weren’t going to pressure me to choose.”
“I’m not telling you who to choose.”
“It sounds like you are.”
“No. I’m telling you what I’m no longer willing to participate in.”
“What’s the difference?”
“The difference is that you’re free to make whatever decision you want, and I’m free to protect myself from that decision.”
Miko became defensive. “You knew I cared about Jayson.”
“I knew there was history between you. I didn’t know I would be expected to stand to the side while you decided whether that history mattered more than me.”
“I never said he mattered more.”
“You never said I did either.”
Miko opened her mouth but couldn’t respond.
Meca nodded slowly. “Exactly.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Maybe it isn’t, but I’m not competing with him.”
“Nobody asked you to compete.”
“That’s what happens when two people are waiting for the same woman to decide where they belong.”
Miko looked down. “I need more time.”
“And what am I supposed to do while you take it?”
“I don’t know.”
“Wait?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.”
Miko felt tears forming, but she refused to let them fall. “So you’re going to start seeing other people?”
Meca studied her face. “Would that bother you?”
“You know it would.”
“Why?”
“Because I care about you.”
“That’s not enough to ask me to remain alone while you’re seeing Jayson.”
Miko became quiet.
Meca’s voice softened. “I’m not trying to hurt you. But you can’t ask me to accept something you wouldn’t accept from me.”
Miko imagined Meca talking to someone else at night, laughing with another woman, and becoming part of someone else’s everyday life. The thought made her stomach tighten.
She finally understood what Meca had been feeling.
But understanding it didn’t make her ready to choose.
“Are you meeting another woman tonight?” Miko asked.
Meca sighed. “I’m meeting a friend.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“It’s the only answer you’re entitled to right now.”
Miko stepped back as if Meca had pushed her.
Meca immediately regretted the sharpness in her voice. “Miko—”
“No. I understand.”
“I don’t think you do.”
“You made yourself clear.”
“I’m trying to be honest with you.”
“So am I.”
“No, you’re trying to hold on to both of us long enough for one relationship to make the decision easier.”
Miko stared at her.
Meca continued, “If Jayson disappoints you, you’ll come closer to me. If I ask too many questions, you’ll go back to what feels familiar with him. You’re not choosing between two people. You’re choosing between two versions of yourself.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is.”
“You think because I have feelings for you, everything I had with Jayson is supposed to disappear?”
“No. I think you need to decide what kind of relationship you’re capable of offering me.”
“I already told you I care about you.”
“And I care about you, but I need more than feelings. I need to know I’m not somebody you turn to only when your other relationship isn’t working.”
“You were never that.”
“Then show me.”
“How?”
“Figure out what you want.”
Miko looked at Meca. “And if I don’t choose you?”
Meca’s eyes became sad, but her voice remained steady. “Then at least I’ll know the truth.”
For several seconds, neither woman spoke.
Miko wanted Meca to take back the boundary and return to the way things had been. She wanted another late-night conversation, another morning coffee, and another chance to avoid making a decision.
But Meca had changed the rules.
Or maybe she had finally created rules where Miko had hoped there wouldn’t be any.
“I have to go,” Meca said.
Miko nodded. “Okay.”
Meca started walking away, then stopped and turned around.
“For what it’s worth, I never needed you to become somebody different for me.”
Miko looked at her.
“I just needed you to be honest about whether there was room for me.”
Meca walked toward her car.
Miko remained in the parking lot, watching until she drove away.
That night, Jayson came over carrying food from one of Miko’s favorite restaurants. He placed the bags on the kitchen counter and kissed her cheek.
“You look upset,” he said.
“I had a long day.”
“You want to talk about it?”
“No.”
Jayson began removing the containers from the bag. “You sure?”
“Yes.”
He didn’t push. He turned on music, prepared their plates, and talked about his day at the barbershop. Miko listened, but her mind remained on Meca.
After dinner, Jayson sat beside her on the couch. “I’ve been thinking.”
“About what?”
“Us.”
Miko looked at him. “What about us?”
“I want to make this official again.”
Her stomach tightened.
Jayson took her hand. “No more disappearing. No more taking breaks every time we argue. I’m ready to do this the right way.”
Miko stared at their joined hands.
Only hours earlier, Meca had told her she couldn’t have both. Now Jayson was asking her to fully restore their relationship.
Two people wanted clarity.
Miko still didn’t have an answer.
“I need to think about it,” she said.
Jayson released her hand. “What is there to think about?”
“A lot.”
“Is this because of Meca?”
Miko looked at him sharply. “Why would you ask that?”
“Because every time I talk about us, you act like somebody else is part of the decision.”
“She’s my friend.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
Miko stood. “I’m not having this conversation tonight.”
Jayson looked up at her. “Then when are we going to have it?”
“When I’m ready.”
“And how long is that going to take?”
“I don’t know.”
Jayson shook his head. “You keep asking everybody to wait while you figure yourself out.”
The similarity between his words and Meca’s made Miko angry.
“Maybe everybody needs to stop pressuring me.”
Jayson stood. “Maybe you need to stop acting like you don’t know what’s going on.”
“Goodnight, Jayson.”
He stared at her for a moment before picking up his keys. “Call me when you’re ready to be honest.”
When the door closed behind him, Miko sat alone in the silence.
Meca wanted her to decide what kind of relationship she could offer.
Jayson wanted to know whether they still had a future.
Both of them believed Miko already knew the truth.
Maybe they were right.
Maybe she wasn’t confused about her feelings at all.
Maybe she was simply afraid of what choosing one life would cost her in the other.
Her phone began to ring.
Miko reached for it, expecting to see Meca or Jayson’s name.
Instead, she saw the number belonging to her attorney.
She stared at the screen as the phone continued ringing.
For weeks, the legal situation had remained quiet. Miko had allowed herself to believe that no news meant she had more time.
But the call came too late in the evening to be routine.
Suddenly, the decision between Jayson and Meca no longer felt like the biggest problem in her life.