Chapter 38
THIRTY-EIGHT
sinner
I’d kill every earthly in the damn city if it meant getting Athena out of there alive.
I wasn’t sure when I’d made that decision—when I’d mentally sacrificed hundreds of innocent souls for the woman standing beside me. But the second Athena questioned whether this was real? It didn’t matter to me.
Real or not, for her, they would all die.
I was not a hero.
I was not a good man.
Had I forgotten that?
I hadn’t been a good man since the day I killed my best friend. Since the day I lost a piece of my soul to this sick magic.
I deserved the curse, of course. And every fucking thing that happened to me after that day. Every bit of torture. Every ounce of pain. It was all rightfully mine.
I paid for that debt every fucking day of my life.
And I’d gladly continue. I’d be the evil man for them—for Athena. For Margaret.
If they needed me to be the bad guy, I wouldn’t hesitate. I’d kill every earthly with my bare hands.
That’s why I was called Sinner, anyway.
It wasn’t just a name I’d chosen for myself—it was a reminder.
I could never go back to who I was. I could never be just Elijah again.
The damage was done. My soul had forever been tainted with my sins.
But now, looking at Athena as she slicked her messy, loose hair back into a tight bun, a weakness overtook me and I wished—for one tiny moment—that I actually deserved something good.
Then I banished the idea. I’d sealed my fate years ago. So hoping for anything different would only cause more suffering.
Once Athena had finished tying off her hair, she peered at me over her shoulder. “I can sense you staring at me.”
“You’re beautiful. I enjoy staring at beautiful women.”
She sauntered to me slowly. Torturously. Even in the baggy men’s clothes she wore, I couldn’t look away.
“Women?” she questioned, one brow cocked. “Plural?” She didn’t stop coming closer. Closer.
I swallowed, throat bobbing, but said nothing.
“Are you telling me there are other women out there you like looking at?” she teased, trailing a finger across my chest.
I snatched her wrist and squeezed. “How could I possibly even think of other women when you consume my every. Fucking. Thought?”
She gasped and her teasing smile faltered. “You don’t mean that.”
“I’m obsessed with you. You think I would lie about that?” The thought alone made me laugh. “How many times have I told you that you’re mine?”
“I thought that was just you being possessive. Your phantoms wanting to own me and my power.”
I brought my face closer to hers. Close enough that I could feel her breath on my lips. “I am possessive,” I gritted out. “I’m also outrageously obsessed with you, and I will never look at another woman.”
I was acting insane. But everything was about to change.
After this final test, real or not real, she wouldn’t look at me the same. She wouldn’t see me as the man who’d had to pretend to be her claimed so she could survive.
She would just look at me as…as a nobody. As another one of them—another one of the mystics who threatened her.
So I had to get these words out now.
Her lip quivered. “Why are you saying this right now?”
“I’m done pretending.” My heart thudded heavily. “It kills me to act like I don’t care. Like it doesn’t fucking rip my heart out to separate myself from you.”
She swallowed and her wide eyes fluttered to my mouth. “Then stop pretending, Elijah.”
I brought my lips down so they barely brushed hers as I said, “If I let myself feel everything I want to feel for you, I’ll lose everything I stand for.”
With that, I let her go. I paced to the edge of the cobblestone street and peered out over the town below.
“Why do you do that?” she yelled from behind me. “Why do you make me believe you might actually care, and then rip it all away?”
I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t look at her. “I’m doing the best I fucking can, okay?”
“At what?” She scoffed. “Playing games? Because I’m done playing.” She stormed up from behind me and gripped my arm, forcing me to face her.
God, she was stronger than I gave her credit for.
And anger twisted her features into that look I fucking loved so much.
“I want you, Elijah. Fuck!” She threw her hands up, then paced in a quick circle while she rubbed her temples. “Is that fucking crazy to admit? After everything we’ve been through, why do I feel like my fucking chest is going to explode every time I see you?”
A fucking bolt of adrenaline coursed through my entire body. I clenched my fists and forced myself to stay silent. Nope, if I spoke, I’d only say something I regretted.
She stopped pacing and pinned me with a look. “I don’t like you. I never fucking liked you. And I didn’t want to feel like this. Especially now, especially when the two of us claiming is exactly what the Ministry wants. And I won’t give it to them. No matter how badly I might want you.”
“You want to claim with me?”
“I don’t know what I want, okay?” Her shoulders rose and fell as she panted heavily.
“I never wanted to claim with anyone. Especially you. That’s why you were the safe choice.
We needed to get out of that damn dungeon, and I couldn’t imagine ever feeling anything but disdain for you.
But then our magic was weirdly connected…
and…and…what the fuck is that, anyway? We aren’t even claimed but we controlled each other’s magic that day. What does that mean?”
A sharp pain radiated through my chest. “I don’t know. I don’t know what that means.”
“Whatever it is, it’s not normal. If the Ministry knew—”
“They’ll never know. Because we’re going to make it out of this damn city, and we’re going to get the fuck out of there. We’ll find Mags. We’ll find Katherine. And we’ll never be under this kind of pressure again.”
We were both worked up. Not thinking clearly. High on adrenaline and the strange excitement that came with the connection between her magic and mine. Of course we weren’t thinking properly. Nobody in this situation would.
“You’re safe with me,” I assured her in a softer tone. “You can admit whatever you feel, and I’ll do the same. But we can’t complete the claiming. That was our deal, right?”
Her voice lightened to a whisper. “And that’s still what you want? If the Ministry wasn’t an issue, you’d still resist the claiming? Even with the way you feel about me?”
I tore my gaze away. “I swore to myself a long time ago that I would never claim with anyone. God is playing some wicked fucking trick on my soul by connecting me with you, but please understand that it’s better this way. That it’s better if you never have to claim with me.”
Despair was like a heavy weight on my chest, pressing down where my phantoms slept.
“Why?” Her genuine question made my heart fucking crack.
“I care about you too much to put you through that. To tie your life to mine. It will never be just the two of us,” I insisted. “Do you understand?”
When she didn’t respond, I marched toward her and gripped her chin.
“It can never simply be about me and you. About my feelings and yours. There will always be this.” I poked her in the chest, and my shadows whipped out, clouding the space between us.
“There will always be this magic messing with our minds. You’ll never see clearly when I’m around, because you’ll never be free from your magic. ”
I let her go and backed up again.
She gaped after me. “You think I want you because of my magic?”
“Of course.” I threw my head back and growled. “I’m a fucking monster, Athena. And you’re…”
What? A goddess? A walking miracle? An otherworldly being sent here to bring us all to our knees?
She closed the distance I’d put between us. “Look at me.”
I did. Of course I fucking did.
She zeroed in on me, looking at me like she didn’t know me at all.
That was the only explanation that made sense when her eyes lit up and she ran her thumbs across my knuckles.
That was the only rationale I could come up with for why she broke into a perfect little smile when she brought a hand to my face and ran a finger across my cheekbone.
If she really knew me, she would never look at me that way.
Breath held, I tensed, ready to pull away again—to remind her that I was an evil, disgusting beast. That I tainted her just by being in her presence.
But the sound of stone clattering against stone cut through the silence, and we whipped around.
It wasn’t just one falling rock or two—but entire buildings crashing down, just a few blocks away.
“We need to run. We need to run right the fuck now.”