Chapter 36
MADDOX
No. No. I can’t lose her again, not after everything. Not after this day.
“But why? I don’t understand,” I pleaded.
Callie looked away for a moment, and then back at me. “The way you looked at the waitress… it just brought it all back.”
Fuck. Of course that would be a trigger. How could it not be, given my past behavior?
Why hadn’t I been more thoughtful?
Possibly because it hadn’t crossed my mind to see the waitress in a sexual context. Whatever she looked like, her appearance had made no impression on me whatsoever.
“Callie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think. You’re absolutely right. I promise, I can be more sensitive.”
“But you didn’t do anything,” she said, with the smallest, saddest smile I’d ever seen. “You just smiled at a waitress.”
“But… if I didn’t… I don’t understand?”
“It wasn’t what you did, Maddox. It’s what I felt. If we stay together, this’ll be the rest of our lives. You’ll never know when some normal interaction will set me off. You’ll feel like you’re living in jail.”
“Being with you could never feel like jail!” I blurted.
“No matter what sets you off, you can take it out on me. Don’t hold the pain inside.
Pass it to me however you can. Blow up at me, tell me off, send me back to the basement.
Anything that helps you get over this, I will do, and I’ll do it forever, and I’ll never complain. ”
“Treating you that way would eventually just make me feel worse,” she said quietly.
“But it shouldn’t,” I insisted. “It’s my fault if a normal interaction sets you off, so I’m the one who should carry that, not you.”
Callie squeezed my hand. “I wish that would be enough. But I don’t want to live fearing these reactions.
I don’t want to always worry I’m suddenly going to spiral just because you acknowledge another woman.
” Her shoulders sagged. “I just know… it’s always going to be there.
That fear that you’re going to go back to your old ways. ”
“The memory magic,” I said quickly. “Use it on me every day. You can have total access to my consciousness. There’s no other woman I want. I’ll prove to you every day that you’re the only woman I’m even thinking of.”
“Maddox, I don’t want a relationship with a man whose mind I have to scan seven times a week.
I want what we had today. Connecting just from being together, and talking, and…
” She trailed off for a moment. “I want all that, with a man I can trust to never cheat on me. And you can’t ever be that man. ”
Hot tears made their way down my face. “I’ve changed, Callie.”
“I know you have.”
“I could never hurt you like that again.”
“I know you really mean that.” She paused. “Right now. But people are always changing. Your old patterns were so ingrained. If you had me back, if you were comfortable again, can you really say you’re one hundred percent sure you wouldn’t get that wandering eye again?”
The thought of ever becoming that man again filled me with revulsion beyond description. “I am certain. I would never do that again. I’d rather die,” I said, my tone firm.
But as I sat with that, I realized there was something else I should acknowledge.
Which was going to be hard. I took a deep breath.
“But I understand your reaction. If I were in your shoes, I don’t know how I would trust me again.
” I hesitated, wondering if it would be selfish to say the next part. “But is there any way we could try?”
Callie softly shook her head no.
My desperation was building. There had to be a way out of this. I couldn’t lose her. “What about time travel?”
“Time travel?”
“With the magic. Take us back to before I started cheating. I’ll talk sense into my younger self. I’ll stop him—me—from ever betraying you in the first place.”
She released a genuine laugh at that, though it faded quickly. “That’s really sweet. But there is no magical time travel. The past is the past. Magic can’t change that.”
“But I love you.” My voice cracked.
“And I love you. I don’t think I ever stopped.
I thought I had, when I was hating you so much, but I understand now why I felt that way.
I was so angry exactly because I still loved you.
” She took my hand again, and leaned in closer.
“I wish my fear hadn’t rooted so deep. But it has.
And I can’t live with it for the rest of my life. ”
I didn’t know what to say. She was explaining herself so clearly, and with such resolve. I didn’t want to accept it. I didn’t want it to be true. But she obviously knew her own mind.
Everything in me screamed to fight for her, to hold on to her and never let her go.
But how could I justify that when she was telling me with such decisive directness that she needed this to end?
A sharp, mirthless laugh escaped her. “Everyone kept praising the curse construction for how perfectly it punished you. But looking back, when the curse happened, I was feeling such terror at the thought of losing you. I think the curse terms were really about keeping you close to me, in a way that felt safe.”
“I’m so glad it did. It gave me a chance to remake myself into someone better.”
“And I’m happy you’ve grown so much.” Her voice caught, and she took a moment to compose herself before continuing.
“I’m glad the curse made sure I found my way to forgiveness.
If I had just dumped you and left, with no closure, no catharsis, I would have carried this so much longer.
It was important for me to forgive you, for my own sake, so that I’m not stuck stewing in bitterness forever. ”
Callie drew a breath, steadying herself.
“But the reason it’s important for me to forgive is so I can truly let it go. If I stay with you, I’m going to have to live forever with the possibility that it happens again. There won’t be any letting go. I have forgiven you, but I can’t forget.”
I wanted her more than anything. Without her, I knew I could never be happy again.
But the future she described for herself if she were with me sounded horrible. Haunted forever by fear, insecurity, and doubt… I didn’t want that for her.
My chest felt like it was caving in. But I knew what I had to do.
I knew what I owed her. “All I want to do right now is beg you to change your mind. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make it right with you.
You’re the love of my life.” I steeled myself for what I had to say.
“But I won’t do any of that, because you deserve peace.
I respect your wishes. But I’ll never stop hoping that you change your mind and come find me again. ”
“Oh Maddox. Thank you for the beautiful day. It was exactly the farewell to summer I needed.”
She leaned in and kissed me, soft and lingering. It felt like goodbye. The tears were streaming down both of our faces now.
“If only we could meet for the first time today,” she said, barely getting the words out.
“I’ll never stop loving you,” I whispered, knowing it’s the last time I might ever get to say that to her.
Callie brushed the tears off my cheek. “Goodbye, Maddox.”
She vanished in a shimmer of teleportation magic.
“No!” I screamed, bringing a sudden hush to the restaurant as every diner turned my way.
Not that I cared. I just stared at the spot where Callie had been, beside me in the banquette. I trailed my fingers along the cushion she had been leaning against, still warm from her body heat.
I don’t know how I could ever find a way to accept this. I had ended up with the most incredible woman on the planet, and then fucked it all up, completely beyond fixing.
She was gone. I had lost her forever.
How could I let her go?
There had to be something else to try.
Didn’t there?