Chapter 13
Farrah
"Will you marry me?" Jake punctuated his speech with the question while down on one knee next to our table at a very public restaurant in my hometown of Forest Park.
All eyes in the restaurant were glued on me, awaiting my answer.
I rubbed my now-clammy hands down my dress.
Was it hot in here? I hated a scene; I was naturally a more introverted person, and this was basically my worst nightmare.
I thought after being together for three years that Jake would know that.
The beautiful princess-cut solitaire diamond winked up at me while Jake looked nervous as fuck.
The apprehension written all over his face softened my heart a bit.
This was not how I’d seen our Valentine's Day dinner playing out.
I loved Jake, I really did, and my toxic trait was being a people pleaser, so naturally, I put him and the rest of the restaurant out of their misery and said yes.
Jake slipped the ring onto my finger before grabbing my face, kissing me, and lifting me up to twirl me around, again, in a very public restaurant. The rest of the patrons cheered and congratulated us.
And me?
I was mortified.
I should have been more excited, right? This great guy, who loved me, had just proposed, and I was now engaged.
I should have been calling my friends and family, gushing over it all—but I wasn’t.
When Jake and I returned home that night, we didn't even have sex.
He wanted to, but I wasn't feeling it, so I said I didn't feel very well, and we went to bed.
Now I was sitting at my kitchen table with my coffee at the crack of dawn, drowning in thoughts of Walker.
Christmas Eve had changed things. Being with Walker again after so many years apart felt like coming home. The comfort, the attraction, the love—it was all still very much there. Nothing even happened between us that night, or on the days that followed, when we found ways to spend time together.
But I didn't think I could ignore how I felt about him any longer.
I was planning to try to catch Walker before he left for spring training to talk and see where his head was at, but Jake sprung a last-minute Valentine's Day dinner on me, and now I was engaged.
I was such a fucking coward.
I couldn't have said no to Jake publicly; that would have embarrassed and crushed him. We needed to have this conversation about Walker privately, and I’d always planned to; I just didn't think I would be engaged to him when I did it.
Grayson: Congrats Farr… but weren't y'all just in a big fight?
Nate: Mom and Dad told us the news, happy for you guys. That is if you’re happy?
Nolan: Yeah, if you need help getting out of this engagement, let us know… I've got ideas…
Aria: Seriously, Nol? And what the hell is wrong with all of you, way to be happy and support our sister's engagement. How depressing…. but seriously, Farr, you good?
Well, I guess the news traveled fast. It hadn't even been a full twenty-four hours, and my siblings were blowing up our group chat. They all liked Jake, but knew we had been having issues and that I was on the fence about staying with him. I’m sure the news of my engagement was a bit shocking to them.
Me: Thanks! And ya, I'm good, I'm engaged!
Aria: Who you trying to convince?
Nolan: Yikes… that bad?
Nate: Did he really propose to you at a restaurant… on Valentine's Day? What a tool.
Grayson: Yeah, I'm with Nate. He doesn't know you very well, does he?
I sighed heavily at Gray's comment. What the hell had I gotten myself into? I was about to respond when my phone started vibrating with an incoming call from Aria. Luckily, Jake wasn't home, so I could talk freely with her… because I knew exactly why she was calling.
"Hey, what's up?" I answered.
"What about Walker?" Aria wasted no time getting to the point of her call. "I thought you were going to talk to him and break up with Jake?"
"It's not that simple, A. He proposed in such a public place, where everyone knows us. I couldn't embarrass him like that."
"Fair enough, but when are you going to break off your engagement and talk to Walker? Ava said he’s supposed to leave for spring training by the end of the week."
I knew I was running out of time, but the last twenty-four hours had been such a whirlwind, I hadn't had time to even catch my breath, let alone figure out how I was going to talk to Walker, and then Jake.
"Soon. I'm going to do it before he leaves, I just need a minute to figure out how to do all of this." I started to twirl a strand of hair around my finger nervously. I was in so far over my head.
"I get that, I just don't want Walk to hear about your engagement and it be too late.
" Aria was always a big fan of Walker's, so when I’d told her about Christmas Eve and the time I’d been spending with him, she could not have been more excited about the possibility of a Farrah and Walker reconciliation.
The next day after work, I tried calling Walker to see if we could meet up, but it went straight to voicemail.
I tried a few more times with no luck. I was beginning to get nervous that I had missed him; he was supposed to return to Austin to fly out to Florida the next day or so.
Desperate, I texted Aria to see if she’d heard anything.
Me: Hey, can you ask Ava if Walker is still in town? I've been trying to call him, and it keeps going straight to voicemail.
Aria: I was literally about to call you to see how your talk went… he went back to Austin last night…
My stomach dropped, and I could feel the back of my eyes stinging with tears.
No, don't freak out yet.
I could still talk to him about everything over the phone while he was in Florida.
Not ideal, but it was still okay. This gave me more time to do it the right way and talk to Jake first. The only reason I was going to talk to Walker first was to catch him before he left, but this would actually work out better in the long run. Better for Jake to know first.
…Is what I told myself, until I woke up the next morning to photos plastered all over social media that shattered my heart into a million pieces.
As I was scrolling through Instagram, photo after photo popped up of Walker and a gorgeous dark-haired woman walking hand in hand, leaving a bar. Another photo of them kissing, his hands tangled in her hair.
I wanted to fucking puke.
Was I really that stupid? Did I imagine Christmas Eve and what I’d felt developing between us this last month? Did I make the whole thing up in my head?
God, I was so stupid.
Walker was just being a nice guy, a friend to me when I was sad about fighting with my boyfriend. Nothing more, nothing less. We were just friends. Yet here I was, ready to blow up my engagement to a man who actually loved me, all for a fantasy I’d created in my head. I really was pathetic.
The heartache didn't lessen over the next several weeks; it only intensified as photo after photo of Walker took up my social media feeds, each with a new stunning woman latched onto his arm, walking in and out of clubs, hotels, and bars.
I couldn't seem to escape the photos of him with countless women and their tongues down his throat.
And what was even more fucked up? I couldn't stop looking at the pictures—comparing myself in every way. The insecurities I’d struggled with in the past began rearing their ugly head again.
My boobs weren't big enough, my ass was too flat, I didn't have curves, my build was too athletic, and not feminine enough.
At least those were the things I told myself. It was what I saw.
Jake and I were still engaged, but the guilt of having planned to end the engagement was eating away at me.
I knew I needed to talk to him. Things were a lot better between us, but I chose to ignore that it likely had to do with my focus being solely on him and not Walker anymore.
I wanted to start fresh and be completely honest with him.
Come clean about my momentary lapse of judgment.
After we ate the dinner I made, I poured us each another glass of wine to give myself a little more liquid courage. "There’s something I need to talk to you about."
Jake took a sip of wine and nodded. "Sure, what's up?"
I proceeded to tell him everything that had happened over Christmas Eve and the weeks that followed.
The feelings I’d had for Walker, how I’d felt about the proposal, and what I’d been planning to do.
All of it. By the time I was done, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
But when I saw the hurt in Jake’s eyes, the relief faded fast, replaced with guilt.
I placed my hand over his. "I'm really sorry, Jake, but I want to be honest with you. I completely understand if you want to call off the engagement—but I do love you, so just know that."
Jake remained quiet, processing the bomb I just dropped on him.
After several moments, he cleared his throat.
"I appreciate you being honest with me, and I'm sorry for how I proposed.
After looking back on it, I realized I thought more about me in that moment and not about what you would have wanted. "
I stayed silent. I could tell he wasn't finished.
"And about Walker…” he began. I winced, bracing for impact.
“I'm not stupid, Farrah. I've known for a while that you still have feelings for the guy. I just hoped, after so many years with me, that they would disappear, but clearly, I was wrong. I love you, but I'm not sure where to go from here." He glanced down at our hands.
"I convinced myself feelings were still there because of everything you and I were going through at the time.
I let the nostalgia and the familiarity get the better of me.
I'm not saying that as an excuse, or that it makes what I did okay, but this, " I gestured between him and me, “this is real life. Can we start over?"
Jake was a great guy. He loved me, he took care of me, and we had fun together.
He was successful, steady, and had been my constant for the last three years.
I was stupid and irresponsible to let one night fueled by alcohol cloud my judgment and my feelings towards this man in front of me.
Jake had shown up for me day after day, and wanted to build a life with me.
Walker had always been about himself and his career, as evidenced by his current playboy streak.
Walker was my past; Jake was my future.
I wouldn't make that mistake again.
It took several long months and a lot of deep conversation, but Jake and I made our way back to each other and were on solid ground.
We never ended the engagement; instead, we started over, and I worked to earn his trust back.
We were better than we’d ever been, and I was truly excited and looking forward to marrying him.
He even redid his proposal by taking me out to an evening picnic underneath the stars in the hills; it was everything I had wanted.
As for Walker, based on what I saw in the media, he was still fucking his way through every city with a major league baseball team, which was fine by me.
He could live his life how he wanted. I heard from my parents that he’d bought a house on several acres in Primrose Hill, not too far from his parents' property, which made avoiding him a little more difficult.
I hadn't seen or spoken to him since before he’d left for spring training, and that was for the best. Out of respect for Jake, I made sure to stay far away whenever I knew Walker was in town—luckily for me, my siblings always knew his whereabouts through their connection with the James siblings.
My life was finally getting back on track.