Chapter 11
I twirled my fountain pen in my hand as I pondered how to answer Danny’s question.
How was your day?was an innocent question that most people asked to be polite, and I’d answered it awkwardly on more than one occasion.
Oh, I’d learned years ago that people asking this question often didn’t care but rather were just performing a social nicety—they only expected you to sayI’m good, how are you?
But that didn’t stop me from agonizing over how to respond.
Because I wasn’t alwaysgood, and it felt weird to claim I was.
But this was Danny. I’d told him lots of things I’d never tell anyone else.
And he hadn’t appeared to think worse of me afterward.
I groaned and set the pen down, abandoning my intention to stick to the plan and share my notes on the game design book we’d both spent the last week reading.
In what little free time I had, reading the book had been a nice distraction from thinking about the strangely not terrible—but definitely unsettling—hiking experience earlier this month.
He didn’t reply at first, and I wondered if I was being too negative. People didn’t like being around negative people, right?
You should smile more.
You should be optimistic.
You should think positively.
You should be grateful for what you have.
You should stop being so depressing.
I wiped a lone tear about to escape my eye.
I was so tired of the voices. The voices from my childhood—parents, friends, teachers, everyone—but also my adulthood.
Nowadays, it was just my voice. My parents were rarely that blunt anymore, and I avoided most people anyway.
Still, that harsh voice was as strong as ever.
SawyerRox4: Sorry to be a Debbie Downer. I’m really fine. How are you doing?
CastGamer55: You’re not a Debbie Downer. Don’t apologize. You can say whatever you want to me.
A rush of warmth passed through me, followed by goosebumps. No one ever said that to me. Apart from Julia, I couldn’t really be myself with anyone. Until now.
CastGamer55: Do you want to try doing a call?
My eyes widened as I scrambled to sit up straight.
What?
We’d never done that, never even discussed it. Why did he want to call me? I looked down at my old pajamas and remembered the messy ponytail I’d hastily assembled before parking myself on the couch for the night.
No way.
CastGamer55: Hello?
SawyerRox4: Sorry, I wasn’t ready for that question. Like a video call?
CastGamer55: We don’t have to. The idea just popped in.
SawyerRox4: I don’t know …
CastGamer55: You’d asked about my day, and I was thinking it’d be easier to explain in a call rather than doing a ton of typing. And I have an idea for the game. But you can say no.
SawyerRox4: Ah, well I want to hear about your day. What if … maybe an audio call? I’m honestly not camera-ready at the moment
CastGamer55: I don’t even know what camera-ready means, but OK. Audio is fine.
SawyerRox4: Typical man, you’re probably wearing sweatpants but looking just as good as usual
Why on earth did I say that? I had no idea what he looked like. And even if I did, that was so, so inappropriate.
SawyerRox4: Sorry, my usual filter is on a low battery right now.
And then the phone ringing sound came across my computer speakers, and his user avatar appeared large on my screen.
I gulped and accepted the call. “Hello?” I managed to choke out.
I heard chuckling. “Your filter—”
“Sorry— ”
I ended the call.
I was … not ready for this. It was too real. I hadn’t planned for this, and we’d never discussed it. We hadn’t even shared our real names!
And the worst part? It was too much of a risk.
I couldn’t risk our friendship. Because I knew myself, and I’d mess it up.
Then you’d lose him, what little of him you have anyway.
CastGamer55: Are you OK?
SawyerRox4: I’m sorry. Just not ready for that.
CastGamer55: It’s OK. Stop apologizing. You didn’t do anything wrong.
SawyerRox4: I didn’t mean to disappoint you.
CastGamer55: You didn’t. I like it when you’re honest with me.
SawyerRox4: OK, then the truth is, I am really valuing our friendship … let’s not screw it up, k?
CastGamer55: I don’t think a phone call would screw anything up, but sure. I respect your view.
SawyerRox4: Please share though. I really do want to hear how you’re doing … and we have to talk about the book too
CastGamer55: Let’s talk about the book tomorrow. I want to reread Part 4, actually, because I think it’s related to my idea.
SawyerRox4: You’re presumptuous. How do you know I’ll be around tomorrow?
CastGamer55: Sorry, I mean the next time we’re both online.
SawyerRox4: Don’t apologize… it’s sweet
CastGamer55: No one’s ever accused me of being sweet.
My mouth curved upward. How had I gone from being terrified to talk to him to … almost flirting?
SawyerRox4: I can’t believe that, Danny
CastGamer55: Tell that to, basically, everyone who knows me. Haha.
CastGamer55: But seriously, I understand your hesitation. I don’t open up to a lot of people. Not anyone, really.
CastGamer55: Well, except my sister.
SawyerRox4: Baby sister?
CastGamer55: Yes, we practically raised each other.
SawyerRox4: I sense a story there. You don’t have to tell me unless you want to.
CastGamer55: Maybe another time.
CastGamer55: I just struggle to connect emotionally with anyone.
SawyerRox4: No, you refuse to
CastGamer55: Well, maybe.
SawyerRox4: You think you don’t deserve to.
SawyerRox4: I know bc I’m the same
I felt another tear in the corner of my eye and swiped it away. I might have gone too far here, but it felt so darn good to connect with someone.
CastGamer55: Well, what do you call this, then?
CastGamer55: If this isn’t connecting, I don’t know what is.
SawyerRox4: *mind blown*You’re right
SawyerRox4: Let’s talk about the show then
CastGamer55: You’re right—you’re just as bad at this as I am, Mindy.
SawyerRox4: I’m much worse, Danny
CastGamer55: But you make me laugh.
SawyerRox4: Then it’s all worth it