Chapter 12
B y October, I’d finally reached my limit in trying to juggle three jobs, so I asked Hazel and Mariana to meet me for coffee.
When I arrived at their table, they both looked up and smiled.
“Hi, sorry I’m late,” I mumbled while sliding into the seat opposite them.
They both looked surprised for a moment and then smiled.
“No worries at all,” Hazel said. “How are you?”
“Uh, I … I’m good,” I heard myself saying, my voice raising as though I’d asked a question.
They glanced at each other and then back at me with creased brows. “Are you, Roxy?” Mari asked.
“Yes, yes, I’m fine,” I said, trying to make my voice sound more convincing than my face probably was.
“Roxy,” Mari said with a gentle smile. “I know a little about hiding your feelings. I used to do it all the time. Maybe you remember?”
“She did,” Hazel said with a vigorous shake of the head. “She even convinced herself she didn’t have feelings.”
“Oh, I haven’t done that at least,” I said with a nervous laugh before I realized what I’d just admitted.
That you’d been struggling.
That you wanted to hide the fact that you’re struggling.
What was wrong with me lately? I couldn’t stop blurting out mortifying things wherever I went lately. I used to be so good at keeping it all under wraps.
“You used to be good at this, right?” Mari said, reading my mind. “Then things start to spin out of control.”
My lower lip wobbled as I tried to swallow around the lump in my throat. I needed to change the direction of this conversation. The pity in their eyes was killing me.
“It’s OK, you know,” said Mari, putting a gentle hand on my forearm.
I forced myself to meet her eyes. “What?”
“It’s actually a good thing that you’re no longer good at denying all your feelings. Because that’s bad for you,” she said.
“And you know that too,” said Hazel in a much softer voice than usual.
I swallowed again with some difficulty as I looked down, hoping a hair curtain would help. I crammed my hands under my legs on the seat to keep them from shaking.
“Agh—” I croaked.
“Here, have a glass of water,” Hazel said, sliding a glass toward me.
I accepted it hesitantly and then proceeded to guzzle half of it. Staring at the wooden table separating us, I cleared my throat and then pasted on a small smile. “I’m perfectly fine. Really.”
Mari shook her head sadly. “You’re not fine. But you’re not ready to talk about it. I get it.”
My brows scrunched together as I processed this. She didn’t believe me. She knew I was lying—she knew she was right that I was denying my feelings and hiding it all from others.
And she wasn’t ever going to believe me, because she knew .
I remembered the old Mariana. She was one of the most controlled people I’d ever met, showing no emotion most of the time or at least believing she wasn’t.
Some people, including me, had considered her cold and lacking humor.
But she’d proved us all wrong. She was anything but cold and unfeeling; the real Mari was warm, deeply sensitive, and one of the kindest people I’d ever known .
Still, I wasn’t her. I didn’t have a great, wonderful person inside me just waiting to be freed.
“It’s just … I don’t do pity,” I said, unable to meet their eyes.
Hazel scoffed. “It’s not pity, at least not from us.”
“It’s empathy,” Mari said softly. “Maybe you haven’t had a lot of that in your life.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s not—” I stopped to steady my breathing. “I think we should shift gears. I wanted to talk to you both about my workload and—and maybe strategize about how to optimize my time and responsibilities.”
Fortunately, I’d rehearsed that line quite a few times before I arrived here. I started breathing a bit easier after having declared my purpose for being here. I tried to look steadily into their eyes, but it was hard.
“You haven’t touched the coffee in front of you,” Hazel said mildly.
My eyes widened. I hadn’t even noticed a waiter bringing it to us. “Oh, uh, you’re right. I mean, I don’t like it really hot, so I was waiting till it cooled down.”
Lying isn’t bad if it’s for self-preservation, is it? Yet I knew the answer to that. And I think they did too, judging by their expressions of disbelief.
Mariana looked at Hazel before asking me, “Is that why you asked us to meet you?”
“Of course,” I said.
Hazel flipped her long, glossy black hair over her shoulder. “Oh, we thought you just wanted to hang out.”
I opened my mouth and closed it, unsure what to say. “I mean, it’s—hanging out is fine, but I know you’re busy. I promise this is just a work thing and won’t take too much of your time.”
They both frowned, and Mari fiddled with her wallet on the table.
“Did I say something wrong?” I squeaked.
“Not wrong exactly, but we don’t consider a coffee date with you to be wasting our time, Roxy,” Mari said carefully.
“I was looking forward to just chatting, actually,” Hazel said with a tentative smile.
What?
Ugh, I’d blown this too. They wanted to just hang out like friends? I must be misunderstanding. “Oh. Um, sorry.”
Hazel laughed. “ Stop apologizing, Roxy.”
“I like to think we’re friends, or at least I’d like to be,” Mari said slowly.
Now I knew I must be hearing wrong. She couldn’t want to be friends with me. And Hazel … I looked over to see her nodding along.
“I’m sorry, what’s going on?” I heard myself say, like an idiot.
Hazel sighed. “This isn’t an intervention, Roxy. We just thought you wanted to spend time with us. It seems you didn’t, and that’s OK,” she said with a touch of impatience.
My heartrate jumped. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her feelings. Or anyone’s. “Oh, I’m sorry—”
Mari frowned and cut me off. “Seriously, no more apologizing,” she said gently. “If it makes you more comfortable, let’s talk about your work responsibilities, OK?”
The feelings of shame only increased at their responses, but I swallowed and nodded.
“Yes, all right. So, as you know, I’m doing three jobs.
” I looked back and forth between them. “I’m co-managing your new project to set up the counseling center by December 31, Hazel, and still serving as your assistant in your other endeavors, such as book marketing, events, and other outreach.
Mariana, I’m also still in charge of event planning at the resort.
” I paused. “It’s a lot of work, and I love doing it all, but—”
“It’s way too much,” Hazel finished for me, and her brow creased. “Roxy, I feel terrible. I didn’t put all the pieces together about how much work we’ve put on you. I’m really sorry.”
“Same,” Mari said with a troubled expression. “I knew you were busy, but I didn’t realize it was that much.”
“I mean, it’s mostly been manageable, and I like working for you both. Truly, I’m lucky to have these responsibilities.” I bit my lower lip. “I shouldn’t complain.”
Hazel let out a strangled laugh. “No, you’re just being polite. We’ve dumped a ton of stuff on you, and you have every right to complain.” When I opened my mouth to object, she shook her head. “No, you absolutely do. Let’s figure out how to fix this.”
“What can we do to help?” Mari asked.
“Well, I have a few ideas, but …” I paused and took a deep breath.
I’d practiced this part too, but it was still gut-wrenching to say—to admit I couldn’t do it all.
“Potentially the most impactful change would be to hire another event planner for the resort. Or maybe an existing employee can take on those responsibilities.”
They looked at each other, a silent thought passing between them, and I tried to squelch the queasy feeling of regret rising in my stomach.
“Consider it done,” Mari said.
“We should’ve done that months ago,” Hazel added.
My jaw dropped. “Oh. That was easy. Are you sure?”
“Absolutely,” Mari said with a smile.
“Will that be enough, or do you need me to find a new assistant too?” Hazel paused, putting her long purple fingernail to her lip for a moment. “Or maybe the better question is, what do you see yourself doing in the future, once the new center is open?”
I maintained steady eye contact even though I was still shaky. “I need to think about it some more. Am I … am I understanding right that you are open to some different possibilities?”
“Of course! There are any number of useful roles—hopefully professionally fulfilling ones—you could take in the new center. I mean, you know that as well as I do, as you and Jeff drafted a list of positions we’ll need to hire in the future.”
I nodded and pasted on a polite smile. “Yes. I would appreciate some more time to think about it, if you don’t mind.”
“Sure,” she said breezily as she took a bite of the orange scone in front of her. I realized I was also famished, but eating could wait until I got home.
“Are you hungry? We can order some food,” Mari suggested.
Apparently I’m incapable of hiding any feeling on my face now. Ugh, I’d need to work on that. “A little, but it’s no big deal.”
Mari looked like she was going to object, but Hazel nudged her and spoke instead. “All right, so we’ll circle back to this future role discussion in the coming weeks, and Mari will hire a new event planner. I hope this helps, Rox.”
I offered a smile that was mostly genuine this time. “Yes, thank you so much. And don’t worry, we’re still on track to open your center by New Year’s Eve, I promise.”
Hazel eyed me thoughtfully for a moment. “You know, I was just thinking the other day about the day we met you. You were meant to interview for the position at the resort, and you got lost in the north wing.”
My smile was a bit shaky now. “Yes, and you helped me find Mari’s office. I was so grateful. Thank you again.”
They looked at each other.
“Can I ask you a question, Roxy?” Mari asked.
I blinked rapidly and nodded, dread filling me. “Of course.”
“Were you really lost on your way to the interview? Or were you looking for an escape?”
My breath caught in my throat, and my face must have been a sweaty, blotchy mess, so I looked at my nails.
Don’t look at them.