42. You Were An Asshole
YOU WERE AN ASSHOLE
TARA
The next morning I do something I have never done before in all my working life.
I take a mental health day.
Even after Aiden’s incredible monologue the night before, I can’t face the office today.
I feel sick to my stomach at the idea, so that feels like a good enough reason to call in sick.
The mere thought of having to spend another day pretending not to notice the looks on everyone’s faces when they see Aiden and I just talking to each other has stirred up anxiety I’d never felt before.
I’ve always shied away from the spotlight, preferring to keep to myself and let people like Kylie soak up the attention. So, to suddenly find myself in the limelight is so far outside of my comfort zone that my stomach is in knots.
I message Aiden so that he doesn’t worry before deciding to see Dad.
Arriving unannounced, I find Jo leaning against the wall outside his room with tears in her eyes .
“Jo? Has something happened?” I ask, my heart rate picking up.
She wipes away a tear and shakes her head. “No. Nothing new, anyway. I just needed a moment.” She has dark circles under her eyes, and I wonder how long it’s been since she’s had a full night’s sleep.
I can’t even comprehend how hard it must be for her. My grandparents passed before I was born, and from what I know, she doesn’t have any family here, so she’s doing it all alone. Coping with a spouse who is dying while raising two preteens can’t be easy.
“I’m sorry,” I say, and she cocks her head to the side.
“What for?”
“I haven’t asked you how you’re dealing with everything. I’ve been so focused on my relationship with Dad, but there’s so much more going on than how I’m feeling.”
She lets out a long breath and gives me a watery smile.
“That’s to be expected, Tara. Your relationship with your father has been tough, and you had no time to prepare yourself before having this all thrust upon you.
I’ve been managing as okay as I can. With how his health has been going the last few weeks, it won’t be much longer now, and it will be a relief for him to no longer be in pain. ”
Her words hit me hard, and I can feel my grip on my emotions slipping a little, but force myself to keep my tears in.
“Is he awake?” I ask, nodding towards the closed door.
“No. But I know he’ll want to see you, so please go in. You did well with the girls, but you still need that time alone with him.”
I nod and head towards the door. I reach for the handle before stopping and turning back.
“If you ever need my help with the girls, please let me know. Even if it’s just for a few hours, so you can have some time for yourself.”
She smiles and nods. “Thank you Tara. I would like that very much. So would the girls. ”
Nodding again, I turn back to the door before taking a deep breath and going inside.
Dad is hooked up to the IV once more, and the beeping of the machine is the only sound in the room while he sleeps peacefully. His skin has developed a yellowish tinge, and from the research I’ve been doing on kidney disease, he’s showing all the signs of his body deteriorating.
I pull out my phone and send yet another message to my sister.
Tara
Hey. I know our last conversation wasn’t great, and you probably don’t want to hear this, but I really think you should try to talk to Dad.
They are saying it won’t be much longer, and I truly believe you will regret not saying goodbye.
I love you and respect whatever decision you make, but I just thought you should know.
Knowing it’s the middle of the night for her, I put my phone away and hope that when she sees the message in the morning, she’ll be in the headspace to make the right decision.
Sitting down in the chair closest to the bed, I take Dad’s hand in mine and just watch him sleep. I refuse to feel guilty about the lost years, knowing that it won’t help with processing the grief, but I’m glad I have this time with him now.
After a few minutes, I start talking. I tell him all about my life over the last twelve years, sharing funny stories that I know would make him laugh.
I tell him how much it hurt not having him around as I entered adulthood, but that I forgive him for what happened.
While I’d thought I’d processed these feelings already, saying the words out loud has a cathartic effect on me.
It also puts my current problems into perspective.
Who cares what anyone at work has to say about my relationship with Aiden?
We both know the truth and we’re not doing anything wrong.
Watching someone you love slip away can serve as a reminder of how precious life truly is.
As I sit here sharing these thoughts with my sleeping father, I feel the broken pieces of myself slowly merge back together.
Now I just hope that my sister gets that same chance.
I spend the rest of the day with Dad and Jo. He wakes around lunch time and we end up having a great couple of hours together, just chatting and discussing mundane things until Jo leaves, returning with Jordan and Piper after school. For the first time, it feels like spending time with family.
While I’m getting ready to leave, my phone dings, and I pull it out of my handbag, expecting to see a message from Aiden. Instead, I’m surprised to see Chris’s name on the screen.
Chris
Hey. Have you got plans tonight?
While we’re close, it’s not like Chris to send me a message like this out of the blue, so once I’ve said goodbye to everyone and head back to my car, I dial his number.
“Hey,” he says, answering after only one ring.
“Hey. Is everything okay?” I ask, arriving at the elevator just as the doors are closing.
“Yeah. Do you want to come to dinner at our place tonight? I have something I wanted to talk to you about.”
Curiosity gets the better of me, and despite just wanting to go home and see Aiden, I agree to head to their place instead.
By the time I’ve pulled up in front of their house twenty minutes later, various scenarios have started doing the rounds in my head. It takes me a moment to register that Will’s ute is parked across the street, and that just adds to my concern. Has something happened with Morgan and the baby?
“Hey,” I call out as I walk in the front door.
After two and a half decades of friendship, knocking isn’t something that happens anymore .
“We’re in the kitchen,” Morgan yells back.
She sounds normal, so I rule out problems with the baby.
Navigating my way through their lounge area that is littered with various tools and other equipment, I walk into the kitchen to find Chris and Morgan preparing dinner. Will is doing something in the ceiling, with half his body missing while he stands on a ladder.
“What’s going on?” I ask, very confused.
“Will is checking stuff out so we can start renovating in the next few months,” Morgan replies, and I raise an eyebrow.
“You’re starting renovations now? How long will it take to finish them all? Isn’t that going to be stressful with a baby?”
She shrugs. “Yeah, but once we’re done with it, we’ll finally have our dream home, and we’ll have it completed before the tiny human starts walking, which would be even worse.”
“I guess. Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?” I ask Chris.
He shakes his head. “No. Hang tight til we get dinner sorted and then we can chat about that. Why weren’t you at work, anyway?”
I sigh. “I was up at the hospital.”
Morgan looks up quickly. “Is everything okay with your dad?”
I shake my head, feeling my throat constrict a little with emotion. “He doesn’t have much longer, apparently.”
“Oh honey. I’m so sorry.” She steps away from the stove to give me a hug, and I let her hold me tight for a few moments.
Once she returns to stirring whatever is in the pot, I turn to see that Will has emerged from the ceiling and is watching me with concern.
Of all the people in this room, he knows the most about what our family went through after Dad left.
Despite our recent issues, it’s hard to forget how much he and his family supported us through it.
“I probably shouldn’t ask this, but is Annelisa going to come back to see him?” Chris asks, flicking a cautious look towards Will before returning his gaze to me.
“I honestly don’t know. I’ve told her what’s going on and that I think she should speak to him. But the ball’s in her court now. I know she’ll regret it if she doesn’t at least speak to him on the phone, though. Regardless of how she’s felt about him over the years, he’s still our dad.”
“Annie will come around,” Will says, and the three of us turn to look at him.
It’s the first time he’s spoken about her in front of me in three years, and hearing him use the nickname that only he used for her is like a blast from the past. The utter conviction in his tone reminds me how well he knows her. I just hope he’s right.
Will doesn’t stay for dinner, saying he needs to get home to his dog, which is another surprise for me, because I didn’t even know he’d gotten one. I hadn’t realised just how out of the loop I am on his life these days, and that makes me sad. I miss the way our friendship used to be.
Once he heads off, the others finish making dinner and usher me towards the table.
“So, enough suspense. What’s going on?” I ask, stabbing a piece of broccoli with my fork.
“I’ve been promoted at work to senior partner, and that means my job is up for grabs. It’s up to me to fill the role, and I think you’ll be perfect for it.”
I stare at Chris for a moment, not entirely sure I heard him properly. “What?” I ask.
He laughs. “You heard me.”
“But… You can just hire me without having to talk to anyone about it?”
“I told you, I’m a senior partner now. They trust me to find someone who will be a good fit with the company, and I’ve spoken to them about you in the past.”