Chapter Thirty-Two
M y arm had fallen asleep from the awkward angle of holding Imogen’s hand while resting my head on the mattress for an afternoon nap.
Jet lag had definitely caught up with me.
A knock sounded and I jerked upright. Maeve poked her head in, smiling hesitantly.
Her gaze flitted to my sister and her eyes widened in shock that she quickly masked it. “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry. The first time I saw her, I was shocked too.”
“Is it okay if I come in?”
“Of course.”
Maeve stepped in and closed the door. In the four weeks that we hadn’t seen each other, her belly had grown, now making her look visibly pregnant. She held a plastic container in her hand. “Chocolate muffins with cream cheese filling. It’s one of the few things I can bake well.”
I smiled. “Thank you.”
I went over to the small couch under the window, and Maeve followed me.
She opened the lid and immediately the sweet scent of chocolate wafted into my nose.
Maeve handed me a muffin. I peeled back the paper wrap and took a big bite.
The chocolate part was almost too sweet, but the cream cheese filling lacked sugar almost entirely, so it was a perfect combination.
“I’m glad you’re back, even if the reason for it is horrendous,” Maeve said quietly.
“I’m glad to be back too. Ireland will always be my home but a piece of my heart is now rooted in New York.”
“Because of Lorcan?” Maeve asked, tilting her head and regarding me with a knowing smile.
“Things between us are still complicated. We have a lot to work through. Our marriage started on the wrong foot, with him forcing me to marry him. Then what I did… Trust needs to be rebuilt.” I sighed. “I take it one day at a time. I just hope Imogen wakes soon.”
“She’ll probably return to Dublin, what about you?”
“Mum can’t take care of her. She needs to work. And there’s Finn.”
“You could keep Finn. He could live with Lorcan and you. And Lorcan could pay for her care.”
“That’s a lot to ask from him. Depending on her state…” I couldn’t finish the sentence.
“But you can’t take care of her. You have Finn.”
She was right. I couldn’t give up my entire life for Imogen, especially because it would affect Finn too.
Imogen had made her choices and while I still cared for her, Finn and I couldn’t be the ones to pay for them.
Finn needed stability and people who showed up when he needed them.
Lorcan and I could be these people. If Lorcan was willing to do it.
Maeve lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “From what Seamus told me, Lorcan missed you. I mean, he was angry, very angry, but marriage is very important to him because of what his parents taught him. That’s why he made sure you’re safe.”
“They had a good marriage?”
“They had been with each other almost all their lives and loved each other very much, yes. Maybe ask Lorcan about it. When he talks about his parents, you realize there’s more to him than being the leader of Five-Leaf Clover.”
“I do, but he’s also a criminal and he’ll always be.” A murderer, someone who tortured people with a chain for fun. Finn would grow up in a world I never wanted him to be a part of.
“Yes, also that. Seamus is …” She brought her lips close to my ear.
“Lorcan’s best contract killer, but he’s also the man I love.
I accept that side of him because I love the other parts, and I pray for his soul every day.
” Ma eve reached into her purse. “Before I forget, Mrs. Byrne wanted me to give you this when I crossed her path this morning.” She handed me a box of chocolate truffles.
“For nerves of steel and because chocolate makes everything better, she said. And Talulla sends her well-wishes to your sister.”
I had to admit that I was touched by their consideration.
Despite the short time I’d lived in New York, I’d been able to form friendships I really appreciated.
In Dublin life had been so centered around Patrick, work, and household chores that I hadn’t allowed myself to maintain connections from school or build new ones.
Maeve gave a resolute nod. “I’ll stop bothering you now. ”
I took her hand. “If you don’t mind, stay with me for a little longer.”
Her smile brightened and she made herself comfortable. Maeve filled me in on the latest gossip floating around, even though I didn’t know half the people she mentioned.
Still, I was glad for her company. It kept my mind busy.
Lorcan came over to the hospital later that day.
It wasn’t even five o’clock yet, and he usually worked much later so I was surprised.
He closed the door, walked over to me and cupped my neck with his palm.
I released a contended sigh. The small gesture felt like permission to let go of my fear and worries, of the weight of responsibility, as if he would carry it now.
“Any updates?” he asked though I knew he didn’t expect any.
I shook my head.
“Come on, then. Let’s go home.”
I squeezed Imogen’s hand. “I’ll be back tomorrow.
” Then, I got up and took Lorcan’s outstretched hand.
He led me out with confident strides, and I followed.
The Five-Leaf Clover tattoo peeked out from under his shirt sleeve.
I remembered Maeve’s words. Could I accept that part of Lorcan whole-heartedly?
Hadn’t I already? I shared a bed with him, and even allowed Finn to live under the same roof.
Lorcan wasn’t a good man but he was loyal and held certain values many normal people had forgotten, like faithfulness.
He’d been kind to Finn, even after I’d betrayed him.
Did I even have a choice? I hadn’t been able to forget him while I was in Dublin. I had feelings for him.
“You’re quiet. That’s never a good thing,” Lorcan commented when we’d been driving in silence for a while.
“A lot is going on in my mind. I’m wondering if there’s anything I need to buy before Finn arrives in two days. ”
“Groceries so you can cook him a delicious stew or pie.”
I rolled my eyes with a small smile. “And that’s completely altruistic of you.”
“I love every taste you create.”
He’d worded it in a way that held innuendo. I flushed with heat, and a pleased smile tugged at my lips.
After dinner—I’d made cottage pie, because cooking always relaxed me—Lorcan and I settled on the sofa. He turned on an Irish folk singer whose soft voice had an almost hypnotic effect on me. Lorcan wrapped an arm around me.
Despite my increasing drowsiness, I finally had the courage to ask, “Why did you take me back?” He’d insisted I lived here with him again and pretty much resumed our marriage as if nothing had happened. “I know you respect marriage, but is that all?”
I wasn’t sure what I wanted to hear. A declaration of love?
Lorcan met my gaze. His dark green eyes still got me. There was an intensity in them that always made me shiver a little. “When I spoke the vows in church, I meant them. Some people say them as if they’re reciting lyrics they heard for the first time. Without really understanding the meaning.”
I hadn’t taken this marriage seriously because I never thought that Lorcan would.
If I’d known what this bond meant for him, I probably would have thought twice before agreeing to help the police.
Though, I hadn’t even been a great help to them considering Lorcan wasn’t very concerned about getting caught.
“I was desperate, you know. I didn’t think I could trust you, but despite that, I chose not to hide the bugs where they’d really hurt you.” I really needed him to understand this, so we could move on. It felt crucial for us to have a chance.
“I know.” Lorcan rubbed my shoulder lightly, and I almost purred. “Something good came of it though. We scared Desmond senseless and now he’s giving us the occasional tidbit of information about ongoing investigations. I doubt I would have ever risked torturing him if it hadn’t been for you. ”
Desmond worked for Five-Leaf-Clover now? I nodded, deciding to change the direction of our conversation. While I knew what Lorcan did, I wasn’t ready for the bloody details. “Maeve mentioned that your parents are your role models when it comes to marriage.”
Lorcan smiled sardonically. “What a good thing that you’re becoming best friends with my best friend’s wife so she can fill you in on everything.”
“She didn’t say much. She got me curious, though.”
“My parents were married for thirty-five years until my mother died of cancer. They had their ups and downs. My mother struggled with my father’s business activities, like you.
But they fought for their marriage and eventually they were an inseparable unit.
My father cared for my mother the last year of her sickness.
That’s when he handed the business in Ireland over to my brother Balor.
He was only fifty-four at the time. Much too young for a clan leader to retire. ”
I had to admit I was surprised. It took a lot of patience, dedication and love to take care of a dying loved one. I wouldn’t have thought a Devaney was capable of that deep level of connection. It seemed I had to work through my own misconceptions.
“And you want what they had?”
“Still have. My father still loves my mother. Despite many tasteless offers from women hungry for a powerful man, he hasn’t been with anyone since my mother died. And yes, that’s a bond I aim for.”
I swallowed. That was a lot to live up to. Not that a bond like that didn’t sound wonderful. “My mother’s views about love and marriage are far less romantic. Maybe that’s why I’m so jaded.”
Lorcan chuckled. “You based your pick of Patrick on your jaded views, I suppose. That’s why it’s good that I took the choice out of your hands and made you marry me.”
I huffed. Then, I became quiet, searching Lorcan’s face. “You really think we can be like that?”