Chapter Thirty-Two #2
“I’ll die before you, that’s a must,” he said with a smirk, but then he became very serious.
He turned his upper body toward me and cupped my neck.
“We won’t ever find out if we don’t try.
I never wanted to risk trying because I was worried about failing, which is bullshit.
You never get anywhere in life and love if you think that way. You made me want to risk failing.”
“I’m not sure I feel confident in us if you word it that way,” I muttered with a small laugh. But I had to admit, Lorcan’s words really made me want to try—and not fail. Was I crazy for striving for something I hadn’t even believed in prior to Lorcan, with someone like Lorcan? Maybe.
“But the fact remains that I betrayed you. That’s a difficult thing to overcome. I hated Patrick for cheating on me. I won’t ever be able to get over that.”
Lorcan’s expression tightened. “It’s not the same.
If you had slept with another man, I could have never forgiven you.
That would have been a breach of the most basic principle of marriage for me.
What you did is still bad, still a form of betrayal, but I understand how it happened.
You didn’t trust me, and my actions made it difficult for you to do so.
You were desperate. I know it won’t happen again, because you’re now allowing yourself to trust me, not fully, but it’s a start.
And I’ve started to forgive you for what you did.
That doesn’t mean I’ll ever forget but it’ll eventually only be part of our story, of the hardships we had to overcome to build a strong foundation for our marriage. ”
I swallowed hard. I wished Lorcan had talked to me like that a few months before.
I wasn’t sure if I would have believed his words but maybe it would have changed things.
“I won’t betray you again. After the attack, I was approached by police in Dublin.
They wanted to scare me, to win me over and promised me safety. I chased them away.”
Lorcan nodded. “I know. It was Balor’s way of testing you.”
My mouth fell open, and a hint of anger rushed through me at having been played like that, but then I decided I was glad.
“Fair enough,” I said with a sigh. “But in the future, we need to be honest with each other. Lies only lead to mistrust. I don’t want this. There’s so much going on right now, I want to be certain that you’re on my side.”
“I’m on your side. I think my actions prove it.”
“They do. And I’m on your side, Lorcan, even if admitting it scares me.”
I picked up Finn from the airport. After Imogen’s heart flatlined this morning and it took two attempts to revive her, Aislinn didn’t want to leave her sister’s side.
Part of me thought it was better if Imogen died.
I was a cruel bastard and death was part of life, but mainly I was concerned for Aislinn.
Her whole life circled around her sister and the hospital now.
It wasn’t healthy and there was no end in sight.
Maybe Finn’s arrival would slowly lead to a change.
Another one of my men had accompanied Finn this time because Aislinn’s mother needed a new passport so she had to take a flight a few days later.
Considering our steep prices, I wondered how she planned to pay for the passport in addition to the flight plus interest but that was her problem. My offer still stood.
The soldier who accompanied Finn had been back in Ireland for a family visit because his grandmother had died. He and Finn came through the sliding doors of the airport.
Finn looked a little shy. Brody wasn’t the most communicative of people. I gave him a grateful nod. The moment Finn spotted me, his face lit up and he rushed toward me, almost stumbling because of his spasms. I met him halfway and picked him up. “Hey, buddy.”
He glanced around. “Where’s Aislinn?”
“A friend of hers had a little accident, and Aislinn agreed to take her to the hospital. We’ll pick her up there in a few hours, okay? Will you be fine spending the day with me?”
Aislinn didn’t want Finn to know about Imogen.
She thought it would be too much for him.
I wondered if that really was the case. Finn had probably begun to distance himself from his ever-absent mother a long time ago.
On the other hand, the boy had lived through enough heartbreak because of his mother, so maybe it was better to spare him the news until it was final.
“What are we going to do?” he asked with a sly grin.
I chuckled. “Is this a bargain?”
He giggled. The kid was clever and funny. Fuck, I really liked him. I’d always liked kids, even their obnoxious antics, but Finn was special. Maybe because he was part of Aislinn. I didn’t even care that he didn’t have my blood coursing through his veins. I would adopt him if Aislinn wanted it.
I pushed the thought aside. These Killeens really got under my skin, and I needed to rein myself the fuck in.
“How about we visit the bridge of a container ship and talk to the captain. I’m sure you can ring the ship’s horn.”
Finn’s blue eyes grew wide. “Yes!”
“All right, then let’s go. ”
I took Finn’s suitcase from Brody before Finn and I headed out.
During our ride to the harbor, Finn chatted animatedly about his adventures back in Dublin, mostly games he’d played with his old neighbor or movies he’d watched.
Aislinn’s mother didn’t have money and time to go on real adventures with the kid, but he was still a happy camper.
Despite his stutter, Finn didn’t hold back around me anymore, and I understood him perfectly by now.
Aran had had a light stutter as a kid but he had been big and strong, and beat anyone who made fun of him.
Finn often chose to stay silent without any way to defend himself against the mockery.
Maybe that would change if he became a Devaney.
When we picked up Aislinn in the afternoon, she was pale, her face worry stricken, but she forced a smile for Finn. The moment she joined him in the backseat, he recounted our adventures to her. She sent me a grateful smile through the rearview mirror.
When we settled at the dining table for the stew she had cooked the day before, my worry for her only increased. She hardly ate, only listened to Finn and watched him eat. “I did a drawing for you!”
Finn hopped off the chair, then glanced between Aislinn and me.
“It’s okay, you can get up,” I said when Aislinn only smiled, looking miles away.
Finn headed toward his room where his suitcase was.
I grabbed Aislinn’s hand, which rested beside her full bowl on the table and squeezed.
“You need to eat and take care of yourself. I don’t want you to risk your own health because of your sister. ”
Aislinn looked surprised, then she nodded slowly and picked up her spoon. She ate a few more bites under my close watch before Finn returned with a piece of paper with a colorful stick figure drawing. He held it up so we could see it.
It showed four stick figures holding hands.
Aislinn furrowed her brows.
“This is you,” Finn explained, pointing at a stick figure with red color around her head, presumably hair. “This is me, Lorcan and Grandma.”
I stifled laughter. The chances of me holding hands with Aislinn’s mother were slim. Aislinn beamed at Finn. “I love it, thank you.” Her eyes scanned the drawing again. Maybe she realized as well that Finn hadn’t painted his own mother.
“Thanks for including me in your drawing, buddy,” I said and ruffled his hair.
He grinned.
Aislinn looked over at me with a thoughtful expression. I wondered what went on in her pretty head again.
When she joined me in bed late that night, she sagged against me with an exhausted sigh. “I really thought Imogen would die today, but she pulled through. The doctors are confident they have it under control now.”
“Now that Finn’s here, you can’t spend all day in the hospital,” I said firmly.
“I know.” She kissed my bare chest, surprising me.
I stroked her head. “I can free up a few hours in the mornings and spend time with Finn, and if I can’t, I’m sure Maeve won’t mind jumping in as long as she’s still capable of it. Then you can take over around lunch time. We can look for a permanent daycare for Finn soon.”
Aislinn looked up. “Permanent?”
“Now that we’ve decided you’ll stay in New York with me, I think we should consider letting Finn live with us indefinitely. We can be a family.”
I’d even considered bringing up adoption but Aislinn and I still had to work through a few of our issues before we should take that step.
Aislinn’s eyes grew wide. “Really?”
“You already take care of Finn. He didn’t even draw Imogen. You are his true mother, and he needs to know that there’ll be stability. Your sister won’t ever be the mother he needs, now less than ever.”
She nodded slowly, her eyes solemn. “I know. She probably would have given him up for adoption at birth if it hadn’t been for Mum and me. She was relieved that we took care of him. It was too much for her to handle.” She swallowed, her eyes searching my face. “You sure?”
“Absolutely. I like the kid and he’ll have a better future with us than in Dublin with your mother who needs to work all the time just to get by.”
“Mum won’t like it. ”
I gave her a doubtful look. “She knows you’re the best caregiver for Finn, and she knows my money and power can buy Finn a future he might not get in Dublin for various reasons.”
“Maybe. She didn’t hesitate to send him here.” Aislinn lifted her chin in that stubborn way. “But I don’t want him to be part of your business. Finn’s clever. I want him to go to college and do something with a real purpose in life.”
My eyebrows rose at the many insults Aislinn had managed to pack into her words. “So I’m a stupid brute without a purpose in life?”
Aislinn choked out a laugh, her cheeks reddening. “You aren’t stupid, no. But you’re a brute, and I want another purpose for Finn than making money.”
“I guess the kid will decide which purpose he wants in life. But I certainly won’t force him to become part of Five-Leaf Clover. The business isn’t for everyone. You need to be dedicated to the cause. I’d rather have loyal men than men who need to be coerced to work for me.”
I pulled Aislinn in for a kiss. I could tell that Aislinn was more willing to give this marriage and us a chance this time around.
I was glad I’d managed to rein in my fury when I found out about her cooperation with Desmond.
My restrained reaction had probably made the difference.
Maybe it was the first time she saw I wasn’t just a senseless thug.
According to my father, my parents had worked on their marriage every day of their lives.
A good marriage doesn’t come easily. It takes work, consideration, and on occasion, restraint.
I was willing to work on it and I had a feeling Aislinn was too.
She leaned her head against my shoulder and stroked my chest, her fingers playing with the cross dangling from the gold chain around my neck.
“This was my grandmother’s,” I said quietly.
Aislinn stilled. Her eyes met mine. “Were you close?”
“Very. She made me feel like her favorite grandson when I was with her. But she managed to make each one of my brothers feel the same way when she had them over. She just had so much love to give, it made all of us feel special even when she had all of us over. I admire her patience and dedication. Having all five of us boys over was wild and chaotic but she never lost her patience.”
“She sounds wonderful,” Aislinn said quietly. “I wish I could have met her. ”
“She would have loved you. Your patience with Finn reminds me of her.”
“So she gave you the cross before she died?” As usual Aislinn had trouble hearing me praise her, especially about how great she was with Finn.
“She gave me the cross on her deathbed. She was very pious. Each of my brothers got another piece of her religious treasures. She died two years ago.”
“It must be horrible to lose someone from your family. I always only had Imogen and Mum, and later Finn as family, so I didn’t have to watch a loved one die yet.” She swallowed thickly.
I stroked her head. She was worrying about Imogen and I could offer her little consolation. The situation didn’t look good. “Have you longed for a bigger family?”
“Yes, especially at Christmas or birthdays. Some of my friends at school had huge families and their stories about big weddings and messy family reunions always made me jealous.” She laughed, but I could tell that this was a topic that had bothered her in the past.
“My family is big and messy, so you’ll get your fill, and we can create our own little family. In a few years we can have a few more kids.”
Aislinn pushed up and kissed my lips.
I cocked an eyebrow. “What was that for?”
“For saying more kids as if Finn were our kid too.”
“If he lives with us, that’s what he is, right?”
Aislinn nodded and quickly ducked her head but I’d seen how glassy her eyes had become.
We sat in silence for a few minutes and I fumbled with Aislinn’s wedding ring, which I’d carried in my wallet since I’d taken it from her after her betrayal.
Only this morning I’d taken it out and carried it in my pocket all day.
I’d hesitated to put it back on her because I wasn’t sure it was time yet.
But I wanted her to wear it to show that she belonged to me.
I pulled her wedding ring out of my pocket and held it up in front of her.
For some reason my heart started racing.
Her eyes widened in surprise. She searched my face then held out her hand without a single word from me.
I slid the ring on then kissed her fingers and my heartbeat slowed again.
“This time forever I hope.”