Chapter 41
In all the times I’ve been around the Dare brothers getting busy, I’ve never actually been in the same room as two guys fucking. But seeing Dom and Liam together, holy shit, it’s fire. Is that what Zahn and I look like? Dom and Zahn look similar, even though Dom is a bit more bulky, and Liam and I are both blond, so maybe we look similar to them while we fuck.
I make a mental note to fuck in front of a mirror sometime. I’m desperate to know what we look like together.
A vague part of my mind is thinking back to the old Remy. The one who would have scoffed at this sausage party. Six guys and only one chick? I would have turned my nose up at it and felt like there was no place for me. But here I am, balls deep in a guy, loving every second of it. I’ve never been with a Dare before Zahn, obviously, but now that I have one as my own, I get to be an active part of their open ways. Life has changed so much in the past little while, and… I kind of love it.
But here’s the weird part. I’m looking at Dom, Jed, and Kade, who all look so similar to Zahn, and while I can appreciate their looks, literally no part of me is attracted to them. Somehow, this bastard I call a best friend tricked my mind into wanting him, and the more I have him, the stronger that desire grows.
I look down at Zahn and wonder if I’ve ever seen anyone as sexy as he is. It’s his appearance and his body, but it’s his energy and personality, too. Like, Gar is hot shit, but I’ve never wanted him like I want Zahn. Gar was a sexy little mystery because I got attracted to him but had no idea why or what to do about him. He was a fantasy and will always remain a weird fantasy, but Zahn is very real. A fantasy come to life, and I can’t remember ever being this attracted to anyone.
Maybe Laken.
I look across the room at her. She’s got Jed behind her and Kade in front of her, and she’s taking them both like a champ, even though I can’t see below her waist. Her body is hot and her eyes are magical, but she’s not… him.
Liam moans and Dom growls. Shivers tingle down my spine as I watch them fuck.
Kade demands and Jed praises. Laken dictates all of it. My stomach clenches.
“Remy.”
And with my name, they all fade away. I look at Zahn, focusing on him because he’s the only one my mind wants to pay attention to in this room full of sex. The tingles and the clenching have nothing on the vibrancy of pure want that one look from Zahn gives me. The heat in my chest radiates straight from my heart like it’s the epicenter of everything I feel for him.
Slowly, I ease out of him. He complains, but when I sink to my knees in front of him on the couch, he licks his lips and watches me and only me. I have all his attention, too.
I thought I might be a bit embarrassed to suck a cock in front of the Dares, but I’m not. Not even a little. Because the Dare family is all about openness, acceptance, respect, and understanding. They’re a family who understands attraction and doesn’t discriminate against feeling it for anyone in any situation. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been Zahn’s straight, lifelong best friend. Because we’re something more now, and this family accepts that without question.
I look up at Zahn, fisting his cock and feeling pretty ravenous to get him back into my mouth. “This our new open-door policy, Zahn?”
He licks his lips and says, “Hope you enjoy being watched, Rem. Because if anyone ever touches you again, I might fucking kill them.”
Yeah, I like that. Confidence blooms in my gut and makes me smirk. When I suck him into my mouth, he moans my name so long and so loud that I know everyone is watching.
Watch me. Fucking bring it on. I’ve never been prouder.
“Uh oh,” Kade says. “Bossy has a new fetish.”
Pretty proud of that, too.
Sitting on the front porch of the Dare house the next morning while Zahn showers before we head to work, I light a cigarette and wait for him in the cold air.
My dad wasn’t an asshole yesterday, which honestly threw me off. He’s been an asshole to me from the moment I started talking, and I’ve never really known any other side of him. He doesn’t hate me, but he sucks at being a dad and doesn’t know how to be anything other than a dick. I dislike him for it, but he’s still my dad. Maybe this sickness and the threat of death changed his tune a bit, but no matter how much he tries to make up for lost time, I don’t know if I have it in me to forgive him. I should so that I don’t carry the burden around forever, but I’m only human.
Regardless of how I feel about him, it’s going to hurt when he dies. Whether from this cancer or later in life, it’ll suck.
“Coffee, Rem?” Rayne walks out the front door with two mugs.
“Thanks.” I take one and sip.
“You okay, hun?” she asks, sitting in a rocking chair next to me. She lights a cigarette and doesn’t scold me for smoking my own.
I am okay. I really am. I’m handling it better than I thought I would, but that might be because I’m slightly detached from my dad. But it also might be because I’m happy in other aspects of my life. Zahn, specifically.
“Yeah. Just thinking about it all feels weird.”
“Is he handling the treatments alright?” she asks.
I shake my head. “They say the treatments are only going to make him sicker. They might fix the cancer if his body can survive them, but he’s not a very healthy man, so…”
Rayne reaches over and wordlessly touches my hand. It breaks a dam of emotion inside me because she’s the only real mother figure I’ve ever known, and I trust an emotional breakdown in front of her.
The next thing I know, I’m spilling my guts.
“It’s just, I’ve got all these fucking questions, you know? Like, what if Mom wasn’t a hoarder? Would Dad be healthier if he lived in a healthier house, not breathing toxic air all day? Would he have been more active if the house wasn’t dragging him down? What if they weren’t poor? Would they have sought out treatment sooner? Could I have helped them a long time ago but they had too much pride to ask? Or did I neglect them like they neglected me all my life? I could have at least checked in more, right?”
I take a drag and try to slow my thoughts down.
“And what the fuck is even going to happen if he dies? My mom can’t take care of herself, and Rhett sure as shit won’t help, so does that fall to me? Do I have it in me to fight with her every day about a healthier lifestyle and a clean house? After all this time, I know she doesn’t want to hear it, and she definitely doesn’t want to hear it from me. I don’t know what my role in this is! They’ve never treated me like their kid, but now that he’s dying, I feel like I’m obligated to owe them my time and money just because we’re blood-related or some shit. They’re my family, but they’re not my family, you know? The Dares are my family. I just… I don’t know what to do, Rayne.”
Rayne doesn’t rush her response. She never does. I just unloaded on her, and she’s so casual about it that it forces me to take a beat and settle myself down.
“You take it one day at a time, and you always remember that you have our entire family at your back. You reach out for help when you need it, whether that be to us, to medical aid, to a therapist, or to anyone who might help. And if you can’t find the right person, you come to me and Corbin and we’ll help you find the right one. We’re here, Remy. You aren’t about to take this all on alone. We’re your family, too.”
She is my family, and now that she’s said it, my mind is off on a different tangent. “I think I love Zahn.” Blurted that one right out without any pretext. Jesus, Remy.
“You’ve always loved that idiot,” she huffs at me.
I love it when she calls her boys idiots. Isn’t afraid to say it how it is. “It’s different now, though.”
“Different doesn’t have to mean anything scary. Just love him and go from there. You two will figure it out.” She shrugs, smoking.
“Does it upset you?” I’m hesitant to ask because Rayne is the one person I respect more than anything and everyone else. Her opinion matters to me, and her love for me is vital to my life. I’ve always just been the best friend who got up to constant trouble with her son, the extra son she didn’t ask for but took in regardless, and the only blond boy at the dinner table. Will she accept me in this new role?
“Yes,” she says, stubbing out her smoke. My heart sinks. “It upsets me that you’d even ask such a stupid question. I know we always say there are no stupid ones, but that was a stupid one, Remy. Don’t let Zahn’s idiot wear off on you.” She laughs. “It takes a special kind of someone to put up with Zahn’s mentality. That special someone has always been you because you’ve been right there, leading the way with him. This changes nothing. You were both bound to be in each other’s lives forever, and I respect that the meaning has changed.”
“Are you sure? It’s not weird for you?”
“Everything these pricks do is weird to me. Trying talking two of your sons out of killing each other and having to listen to their sex stories about the same girl. Then we’ll talk weird.” She stands up. “I respect the hell out of the two of you for handling this shift with so much dignity. You aren’t in need of a porch chat, Remy.” She leans down, kissing my head. “Now come eat breakfast because Zahn is still waiting for the shower.”
Well, it might not have been an infamous Rayne Dare porch chat, but fuck me, I feel better already.
As I sit around the table with the whole Dare crew, I wonder if a family like this is in my future. Maybe not kids, but this family right here. Maybe I’ll always be at dinners with them, watching them grow, blending in and being a part of their lives for the rest of mine. Zahn at my side.
We might not be ready for that step in whatever this thing we’re doing is, but there might be a step we are at.