13. Lily
Lily
13
Raphael is the first thing I see when I open my eyes. He rests his head on his arms, right in front of me on the edge of the bed. He’s so close that I can feel his warm breath gently brushing against the back of my hand that he holds.
I wait for the panic that a man’s touch brings me…but it doesn’t come. Strangely enough, his touch is comforting, like a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer or finally putting on that old T-shirt after a long day in scrubs.
His face is softer, less intimidating, and more vulnerable in sleep. Before my kidnapping and abuse, Raphael was precisely the kind of man I found myself attracted to. Tall, dark-haired, tattoos, with a killer body. Raphael checks every box and more.
And the thought terrifies me. Because I can see myself falling for him. It would be so easy. But that can never happen. It won’t. Raphael lives in the world I’ve grown to hate and want to be free from. And I’m too damaged to be loved. Too lost. And that’s okay. Because when this is all over, I will have Mei, and she’s enough for me.
From the second I stared into my daughter’s eyes, my life belonged to her. The moment she took her first breath, she became the center of my world. My sole purpose in life transformed into ensuring she grew up happy, safe, and loved. Granted, I’m two for three there, but I’m working on it now that I’m free of Xiao. I’m not sure how…but I’ll figure it out.
Raphael shifts and raises his head like he senses I’m awake and watching him. Groggy, sleep-hazy amber eyes meet mine before a lazy smile pulls on his lips. “Good morning.”
“Morning,” I whisper back, my voice small and cautious.
“How are you feeling?” Raphael sits up, and I brace myself for him to let go of my hand, but he surprises me instead by keeping a firm grip, and I don’t resist his touch.
“I’m fine,” I instinctively reply, the words slipping out without a second thought. How come is it so easy to talk to him? “Why are you here?”
“You fell asleep outside last night.”
“I did?”
“Yes. Want to tell me why?”
I steal a look at our still tightly clasped hands. It doesn’t seem like either of us is ready to let go.
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“Why not?”
“I had a nightmare.” Partially true. My dream started out lovely enough until it shifted into something worse.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
A trace of hope lines his question. I want to tell him, but I also remember calling out his name before the man between my legs turned into Xiao. My face heats at the memory. No. I can’t tell him.
I shake my head. “Not right now. How did I get back inside?”
A brief look of disappointment flutters across his face, but it’s gone within a heartbeat, and he doesn’t push the issue. “Mei woke me up when she couldn’t find you.”
I glance over my shoulder, expecting to see my daughter behind me, but the bed is empty. “Where is Mei?”
Raphael gestures with his head toward the pullout couch across the room where my daughter’s small body rests. Her arms and legs are spread wide like a monkey, and her mouth is open in the cutest little “o” with Mr. Cuddles beside her.
It must have been terrifying for her to wake up and find me gone, and then have to explore a strange place on her own to find help... If there’s a Worst Mother of the Year award, I definitely win by a landslide.
“We found you passed out on the terrace. You were freezing and shaking. Even your lips were blue.” I notice a subtle trace of disappointment in his tone.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to burden you.” Dropping my eyes, I try to extract my hand from his, but he refuses to let go.
Raphael’s hold is just strong enough to prevent panic from setting in. If I really wanted to, I could still pull free…but I don’t. His thumb ever so slightly brushes over the top of my hand, and surprise comes over me at the calming feeling his touch brings.
“You’re not a burden.” His voice is firm and confident, but doubt still lingers in my mind.
Out of the corner of my eye, he extends his free hand and lifts my chin with two fingers. Warm amber eyes search mine, pulling me in like a bee to his honey trap as he continues. “Look, Lily, I know you have no reason to trust me, but you need to know my family is not like Xiao. I’m not like Xiao. I hope you can see that or will one day.”
His words echo Rose’s. All I’ve ever known is pain in this dark world he lives in. It would be insane to trust him, insane to believe what Rose said, but I guess that makes me insane.
Because…
“I’m trying to,” I whisper and draw my bottom lip between my teeth. It’s a bad habit of mine when I’m nervous. Raphael’s eyes flick to them and something predatory flashes across his face. When he looks back up at me, honey transforms into a darker shade of amber. Heat skirts down my spine, pooling between my legs.
Before Dr. Rodriguez, before Xiao and the years of torment and abuse, I enjoyed sex. A lot. As any red-blooded woman would. That all changed the first time I was raped. But God, how I want to go back to the woman I was before. And she’s there. For the first time since my hell started six years ago, I can feel her hovering beneath the surface, trying to break free. And I think it’s because of Raphael. For whatever reason, she trusts him to save her. Again, that stupid heart of mine.
Raphael clears his throat and drops my chin. He releases my hand, and I miss the contact immediately. He sits back, looking ashamed, if that’s even possible for a man as bold as he is. “If we’re being honest here, I have something else to confess.”
“What is it?”
“Your clothes were cold and a little damp from being outside. I had no choice but to change you.”
I glance down, and sure enough, I’m not wearing what I wore when I went to bed last night. “You…changed my clothes?”
“Yes, but I saw nothing, touched nothing, I swear.” He holds his hands up in defense like he expects me to go off the rails and yell at him.
I should be angry and lash out at him. I should accuse him of being as narrow-minded as Xiao and his men…but something in the way he looks and sounds prevents me from getting the words out.
“It was that or let you freeze and die,” he continues.
I snort softly. “You’re being dramatic. I wouldn’t have died.”
“Maybe not, but you would have gotten more sick.”
“I’m not sick either.”
Raphael picks up a thermometer from the nightstand before swiping it over my forehead. When it beeps, he turns it around to show me a low-grade fever of 99.8. As a doctor, I know that doesn’t classify as being really sick. But it is enough to warrant some medication at least.
As if he heard my thoughts, a pair of pills appear in my vision, along with a glass of water, and I follow the hand up to his face to see a smirk playing on his lips. “I asked my sister what you should take when you woke up. She recommended Tylenol.”
I accept the pills and water, taking the medicine before asking, “Your sister?”
“She graduates in the spring with her nurse practitioner license.”
“That’s impressive.” I hope the sincerity is clear in my voice. I had the privilege of working with incredible nurse practitioners in Chicago. In my opinion, with their experience in bedside nursing, they have a unique perspective that gives them an advantage over doctors.
“Do you mind if I ask you how long you were a doctor before you were kidnapped?”
It’s painful to remember the memories even now, but trust is a two-way street. “Right out of med school, I started working in an emergency room in Chicago for a couple of years. I was on my third trip down to Columbia when a doctor I worked with drugged me. He raped me, and abused me, and when he was finally done with me, he sold me to a group of men who did the same.”
Raphael reaches out his hand, palm up, and places it on the bed close to mine. He’s offering me a comforting hand…literally. I slowly slide my hand into his, and he engulfs mine with a gentle squeeze.
“I meant it when I said you’re safe here, Lily. Xiao can’t get to you.”
I want to believe him, but he doesn’t know Xiao like I do. The moment I took Mei, I signed my death warrant. And doomed anyone else who helped us to the same fate.
“But he can get to you…and to the others,” I argue. “Enzo and Evie have already suffered at the hands of his anger.”
What if next time it’s Raphael? Or Rose? Or innocent little Liam? I can’t handle the guilt if someone gets hurt or worse…dies because of me.
“Remember when I asked you to help us take down Xiao?”
“Yes.”
“We’ve spent the past year searching for him, and just when we think have him, he slips through our fingers. But in less than a single day, you just being here has brought the bastard out of hiding.”
Unable to look him in the eyes, I study our clasped hands and say, “Rose told me about her family and yours…that your family leads the High Table and everything that goes with that.”
“Yes.” He must catch on to my fear. “Does that scare you?”
Honesty goes hand in hand with trust. Raphael hasn’t lied to me, nor has he given me a reason to doubt him. He deserves the truth from me. “I’d be lying if I said no.”
Raphael remains quiet for so long that I finally glance up. He’s looking at me with a quizzical, almost humorous expression. “I’d be worried if you said no.”
“What else can I do to help?”
“Right now?”
“Yes.”
“All I want is for you to concentrate on getting better.”
“Why? How does that help you against Xiao?”
“I know how men like Xiao think, Lily. In his mind, you and Mei have been kidnapped, not rescued. So when he sees that you two are doing fine and are even happy, it’ll piss him off.”
“Make him angry enough to lash out. Like you want him to. Like he’s already done,” I conclude.
“Exactly. Now you’re getting it.”
“Raphael,” I sigh. “Why do you even care if we’re okay or happy? You don’t know us. You don’t owe us anything.”
“That’s true,” Raphael agrees. “Maybe it’s because you’re both innocent in all of this, and if I can do anything to help you get back the life that was stolen from you, I will. It’s the least I can do for you after you agreed to help.”
Yep. I’m in danger of falling, alright.