20. Lily
Lily
20
“Idon’t know about this,” I share uncertainly while I take in the sight before me.
Gabriella hears me and waves away my concern. “Relax. I know my brother, and he’ll love this.”
I hold up a roll of festive red-and-white wrapping paper adorned with cute stocking designs. “Something tells me this isn’t Raphael’s style.”
“I know, right?” Gabriella reaches over the table and snags the roll of paper from my hand. “The man has no sense of style.”
“I think he looks great.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, and it takes me a solid three seconds to realize Gabriella, Rose, and Evie have gone still. Glancing up, I take in their stunned faces and wait.
“I meant how he styles his home for the holidays,” Gabriella explains with a teasing smile. “Not what he wears.”
Shit.
“But clearly you do,” Evie concludes with an equally teasing smile.
“That–that’s not what I meant.” I can feel my face turning warm from the growing embarrassment. “I just meant–that, you know…he–he dresses nice.” My voice drops as I mumble that last bit.
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about here, Lily. Not with us,” Rose assures me. “What you’re feeling is completely normal, and we would never judge you for that.”
A spike of anger stabs at my chest, causing me to pick at the cut end of a ribbon, which only makes the edges more frayed. “I know, I just—” I sigh in frustration and toss the piece of fabric on top of the table. “I hate feeling like this.”
“Feeling like what?” Gabriella asks. “Like it’s wrong to like someone?”
“Yeah,” I mumble. My eyes focus on the damaged ribbon. How much it resembles me is symbolic in a way. A little torn and uneven round the edges, flawed and unable to ever be put back together the same as it was before. “Raphael is too good for me. And I know that’s like an oxymoron because he has just the same amount of blood on his hands as Xiao does. But…even though he does, even though it should send me running for the hills, I’m not scared of him. I want to be near him; I want to know him. I want to feel his touch against my skin and his arms around me. I want to kiss him again, but it feels wrong to want that because I’m not worthy of him. Raphael deserves to be with someone who is not damaged and fucked up in the head. It wouldn’t be fair of me to ask him to wait because what if I never recover? What if I’m too broken beyond repair?”
The familiar burn of tears pricks at my eyes. I hate crying. I always have. I’m sure some therapist somewhere would argue that it’s healthy to cry and that it’s the body’s way of healing from trauma. If that’s so, then how many buckets do I need to fill up before I’m healed?
Gabriella moves from the other side of the table and sits right across from me.
“Lily.” She leans forward and takes my hands in hers. I look up and meet her eyes. They’re so eerily familiar that, for a moment, my heart squeezes because it’s like Raphael sits in front of me. “I wish I could say that it would have been nice to have met you before everything happened. But I’d be lying because I get to know the woman you are now…and the woman you’re becoming, and she’s stronger than anyone I’ve ever known. There’s this power inside you, this raw strength that has been beaten down and locked away for years, but I can see it growing stronger and stronger every second. And when it finally breaks free, it will be amazing.”
Rose kneels beside Gabriella and places her hand over our clasped ones. “You may think you’re too broken, but Raphael is too. And I think that, together, your broken pieces fit. You just have to be willing to take a little bit of that strength we see in you to try and trust again.”
I know they’re right. Just like how a wound will never heal if left untreated, my battered soul will never heal if I don’t take that first step. But I’m not afraid to admit that the idea terrifies me. At the same time, the vision of the woman I could be standing on the other side of this is worth fighting for.
“Thanks.” I don’t know what else to say, feeling overwhelmed by their support and reassurances.
“I’m sorry,” Evie speaks up. “But can we circle back to this kiss you mentioned?”
Rose’s and Gabriella’s faces light up with wicked smiles, like cats that got into the milk.
“Oh yes, you said kiss again. What kiss?” Rose asks.
“And when did this happen? Tell us everything.” Gabriella urges.
It feels like I’m suddenly back in high school, gossiping in the cafeteria with my girlfriends about the first boy who ever kissed me in the hallway.
“Last night. After he got back to the house.” I look away and pick up the wrapping paper to give my hands and brain something to distract them while my heart talks. “He liked my hair, and then I followed him outside, where he gave me an early Christmas present. I was so overwhelmed by it I couldn’t stop myself. I had to kiss him.”
“You kissed him?” Rose’s smile widens, and pride shines in her green eyes.
“I did.”
“And then what?” Evie asks.
“He kissed me back, and then that was it.”
“What a gentleman,” Evie admires before smacking Rose’s upper arm. “Looks like you picked the wrong brother.”
Rose rolls her eyes and snorts. “Not even close. Raphael is every bit as great as Michael, but he’s not Michael. Besides, Raphael is completely infatuated with Lily.”
“We barely know each other.”
“Look, I met Michael at a club, and within five minutes, we were having sex in the bathroom.” Rose shrugs. “Sometimes you just know right away. There’s no explaining it.”
“What was the gift that drove you to kiss him?” Gabriella asks.
Rose’s soft chuckle and glance at Evie tell me they already know. Michael and Enzo must have shared the details.
“There was this doctor in Columbia. He was the one responsible for everything. He drugged and raped me before selling me to the local cartel. Well, anyway, I guess Raphael tracked him down and presented his severed penis to me in a gift box.”
Gabriella goes silent and still while Rose and Evie fall into a fit of laughter.
“He gave her a dick in a box,” Rose jokes between fits of laughter.
“Wrong dick, though,” Evie comments back.
“Holy…shit,” Gabriella finally says. “That’s…a unique gift and one hundred percent my brother.” She laughs too, and before I know it, I join in, enjoying myself because I don’t feel any judgment or pressure around these girls. They understand what I’m feeling because they live in this life and understand it better than anyone I knew from before ever could.
“Knock, knock,” Alice sings before she appears in the doorway with Mei and Liam. She volunteered to watch the kids while we wrapped the many presents that arrived this morning. Much against my annoyance. But Raphael pressed the checkout button last night on the online cart we packed before I could get a word in otherwise.
“Mommy!” Mei cries out before she sprints forward to collide with me.
“Hi, princess. Did you have fun with Alice?” I smooth her dark hair away from her flawless, porcelain skin and stare into her blue eyes, sparkling with joy.
“Yep! We made bread with fruit in it!”
I glance up at Alice for clarification.
“Panettone. Think of it like fruit cake but better,” she answers.
Liam squeals when Rose reaches for him. I watch him and see Mei at that age in my mind’s eye. When she was a baby, Xiao often used her to control me. If I behaved at one of his parties, I got to spend the night with her. If I pleased his men, I got her for a day. Xiao spoiled her as she grew older, and I’m not proud to say this…but I used it to my advantage. So when she wanted her mommy, Xiao eagerly complied. Still, he kept using her whenever I misbehaved. A constant dark storm cloud of threats hanging over my head, always forcing me to seek shelter.
Rose bounces Liam on her knee while she talks with Evie. He sees me and gurgles some baby nonsense, waving his chubby arms around in the air. If I didn’t know any better, his cuteness makes my ovaries flip with need.
“Mommy, when can I have a little brother?” Mei asks.
All conversation ceases, and we’re suddenly in the spotlight.
I reach for Mei and cup her arms, bringing her close enough to look up at me. “We’ve talked about this, honey. Not now.”
Mei pouts and stomps her foot. She always does the same thing whenever we have this conversation. “But I want one now!”
“Mei, that is enough,” I say sternly. “We are guests here, and you will behave. Do you understand me?”
Mei drops her face and mumbles, “Yes, Mommy.”
I sigh and lean forward to kiss the crown of her head. “I love you, Mei.”
“Love you too.”
“Do you want to watch Beauty and the Beast, Mei?” Alice asks.
All thoughts of a sibling slip from her mind at the sound of watching what has quickly become her favorite movie as she chirps, “Yes, please!” And then she’s gone to the other side of the room, where Alice turns the TV on and starts the movie before sitting on the couch next to her.
“Lily, can I ask you a question?” Rose asks. “It may be sensitive, so if you don’t want to answer, that’s fine. No offense taken.”
“Okay,” I answer, wary of her question.
“Why haven’t you had more kids with Xiao…or anyone else, for that matter?” She’s careful with the words she uses and asks her question slowly and quietly.
“I have an IUD,” I explain.
“Xiao allowed that?” Gabriella asks incredulously.
I shake my head. “No. But he doesn’t know either. The doctor who helped deliver Mei worked for him but took pity on me. You see, as sick as it is, Xiao takes care of the girls who work for him. He doesn’t like to see them pregnant because, at a certain point, they can’t work, and if they can’t work, they’re not making him money. So he has them all on birth control. So the doctor inserted an IUD and told Xiao that I suffered a rare complication that could make conceiving more difficult in the future. It’s how I’ve been able to avoid getting pregnant again despite Xiao’s efforts.”
“Wow,” Rose breathes out.
Evie leans back in her chair. “Bloody hell, that’s intense.”
“Did you ever see the doctor again?” Gabriella asks.
“No. And I wish I could thank her, but I didn’t. I wish I could tell her how she saved my life and the lives of any further children born.”
“I lied earlier,” Gabriella confesses. “You’re not just strong. You’re incredible.”
My eyes land on the ribbon resting on the table. I reach out for it and a pair of scissors. With one quick and decisive snip, I cut off the damaged end and watch it fall to the floor in small frayed pieces.
I may be frayed around the edges like this ribbon, but you know what? I too will cut my broken ends off to reveal the person left whole and new behind.