Chapter 15 Extra Credit #4
“Of course,” she says. “If you have to go to the dorm, I ask that you don’t go alone.
If there’s any chance that he could be there, then I don’t advise being alone with him.
I will talk to him and his friends, but I’m still going to treat this as though I don’t have any suspects.
I don’t want to just blindly assume that it’s them and miss the actual perpetrators. ”
“Okay,” I sigh.
“I’ll be in touch, but you can call or text me if you have any questions or concerns. Please don’t think that you are bothering me because you aren’t. I want to help in any way I can.”
“I appreciate it,” I say.
Once I am finally able to leave, I find out that Keith had a friend of his drop his car off at the hospital.
I am exhausted but I am also wide awake.
By the time we get to his house, I am calmer than I expected.
Now that the exam and the interview is done, I feel like no matter if I get justice or not, I can start healing.
We sit on his couch, and I sit back and close my eyes. “Tired?” he asks.
“Yes and no,” I say. “I feel oddly okay.”
“Yeah?” he asks.
“Yeah. I think I should probably call my dad at some point and let him know what’s going on,” I say. “I’m not super excited for that conversation.”
“Why?”
“Because my dad will want to come up here and kill Grant and his friends,” I say. “After Mom died, he became super protective. He hates that I went so far for school but supports it nonetheless.”
“What are you doing after graduation?” he asks. He is sitting on the couch facing me, but I feel like if I look at him for too long, I’ll do something stupid.
“Hopefully find a job,” I laugh. “I’m staying here. He and I already know that he is going to end up moving here. A few years is one thing but permanently moving here is completely different.”
“May I ask how your mom died?” he asks.
“She killed herself,” I say. “I was the lucky winner of finding her when I was sixteen. She… slit her wrists and died on the bathroom floor.”
“My God. I’m so sorry,” he says. “That must have been hard.”
I can’t help but laugh. I finally open my eyes before turning on the couch to face him. I have my legs tucked underneath me and I’m unintentionally close to him. Close enough for me to be stupid.
“Why do I get the feeling you are playing therapist right now?” I ask with a smirk.
“It’s a force of habit,” he says, matching my smirk.
“Did you know when someone bleeds to death in your home, you have to clean it up or hire someone to clean it up?” I ask.
“I was so fucking mad at my mom because she chose the messiest way to kill herself. I think I knew she was going to end up doing it, but I was pissed off because she couldn’t even do us the courtesy of taking pills or something…
saying that out loud sounds a bit more insane than I intended. ”
“It’s dark, but it’s not insane,” he says. “You seem to cope with dark humor.”
“Apparently I cope with trauma by being an idiot,” I say.
“What do you mean?” he asks.
“I just… I feel like my thoughts are out of my control,” I say vaguely.
“I feel like an idiot Because I walk through life thinking that no one would ever do that to me. I knew the bad people existed and I knew that sometimes those bad people would hurt others… I just never imagined that I would be one of those people.”
“No one wants to think that will happen to them,” he says softly. “Wanting to see the brighter side of your life does not make you an idiot.”
“No, what makes me an idiot is what I’m thinking right now,” I say. “Even though I have told myself over and over again what I’m thinking is not possible, somehow it still seems logical.”
“Far more is possible than you think, Bekah,” he says as he lays his arm across the back of the couch before gently squeezing my arm. His touch is electrifying, and I don’t understand it. He is watching me closely and it’s just fucking with my head even more. “What’s on your mind?”
“You,” I admit.
“I’m curious,” he grins.
“I don’t really understand it, to be honest,” I say.
“Well, you are a brilliant woman. I’m sure whatever it is is amazing,” he says sincerely.
“That’s a dangerous thing to tell me right now,” I say.
“How so?”
“Because I’ll believe it” I tell him.
“I want you to believe it,” he says. “You are unlike anyone I’ve ever met.”
Those words are all it takes for me to do the stupid thing that I’ve been hyper focused on since we got here. I lean in and kiss him, and his hand immediately comes up to cup my face. As quickly as it hits me, the realization sweeps over me on what the fuck I just did.
I pull away and I feel like I’m in shock. “Fuck. I’m so sorry,” I say hurriedly. “I don’t know why I did that. I told you I was an idiot. I shouldn’t…” I suddenly freeze when he grabs my face and pulls me closer to him.
“Please, stop calling yourself an idiot,” he says softly. “You don’t have to apologize.”
“I do. I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t know why I did that. I can’t get it out of my head. It’s just stuck in my head, and it won’t go away,” I say.
“What is, Bekah?” he asks.
“You. I can’t get you out of my head. I can’t get the thought of you touching me out of my head. It’s just playing in a fucking loop. It won’t stop,” I ramble as I feel myself start to spiral.
“First, I need you to take a deep breath with me,” he says, taking a long deep breath. When he does it again, I synchronize my breathing with his. “Good girl. Now, I’m going to explain something, and I want you to just listen for a moment, okay?”
“Okay,” I say with a small voice. His praise is doing something to me, and I want so much more of it.
I can’t stop the dirty thoughts from piling up.
I am hyper aware of how close he is. His hand is still on my arm, and he is gently stroking my skin with his thumb.
Our legs are touching, and it makes me want to climb into his lap. I feel like I’m going insane.
“Becoming hyper-sexual after a rape is very normal and very healthy. It is just how your brain is deciding to cope with what happened to you. As long as you are not trying to force yourself into something, it’s healthy to explore it.”
“Why the fuck would I want to have sex right after getting gang raped? Why is it that the thought of you holding me down and fucking me stupid is so goddamn hot, but I just filed a police report for someone doing that to me just hours ago?” I pull away and say louder than I intend.
Keith gently pulls me close to him again and I melt when he resumes holding my face in his hands. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, Bekah,” he says softly.
“It’s normal. Your brain is desperately seeking control right now.
Even by wanting to give up control to someone else, you are still seeking something in an attempt to cope.
If you are not putting yourself at risk of harm, you don’t force yourself, and you are aware of your triggers…
there’s nothing wrong with exploring it.
Even then, trying to force normalcy back into your life is also a normal reaction to trauma.
Avoidance is a trauma response. Hyper-fixation is a trauma response.
I promise you, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. ”
“I can’t get it to go away,” I say quietly, looking at my hands as I fidget.
“Do you want it to go away or do you think that you are supposed to make it go away?”
“I guess I feel like it’s wrong to want to have sex now,” I admit.
“Sweet girl, sex is human nature,” he says as he lifts my chin to look at me.
Hearing his words that I teased him with earlier in the day brings a smile to my face.
It’s like a breath of fresh air to be reminded that I’m human.
“Let me get you something to put on so you can be comfortable. Go ahead and take a shower and relax for a second. I’m going to have you sleep in my bed and I’ll take the couch until I can get my guest room set up. ”
“Thank you,” I say with a sigh.
We stand up and I follow Keith to his room. I gasp when I see a mammoth of a cat laying on his bed. “Oh my goodness!” I say happily. I go over to the bed and squat down to pet him.
“I wouldn’t…” Keith starts to say but stops when Frank starts purring.
“You are the cutest little boy,” I say with a baby voice as I am scratching behind his ear. He leans into my hand and closes his eyes.”
“What kind of voodoo magic did you just do on my cat?” he asks as he comes over to pet Frank.
“Everyone loves Bekah,” I say to Frank. “Someone a little more than others and without permission, but that’s okay.
Isn’t that right, Frankie?” Frank responds by rolling to his side, so I move my scratches to his chest. He licks my hand as I love on him, and this is the happiest I have felt in months.
“Did you just call him Frankie?” Keith laughs.
“Yes,” I say, smiling at him.
“Alright, Frankie. Let’s let the cat whisperer take a shower,” he says to Frank. “Towels are in the closet. My sister left some stuff here the last time she visited so look through the cabinet under the sink and there should be everything you need there.”
“Thank you,” I say as I stand.
“You don’t have to keep saying that, ya know,” he says as he hugs me. I wrap my arms around him and relax. “Go shower before I get distracted.”
“You mean like when you were staring at my tits after class?” I ask and he chuckles.
“I was definitely distracted,” he says simply.
“Aw. That’s all I get?” I ask as I pull away.
“Go take a shower and we can talk more, okay?”
“Okay!”
I leave Keith and go to the bathroom. I get the shower started before finding all of the items that he told me about. By the time I get done, the water is scalding hot. I strip off my secondhand clothes and step into the shower.