Chapter 2 Tula
TULA
"I'm taking a break." Tula put down the book she'd been working on, pushed to her feet, and walked out of the library without looking at her sisters.
She could practically feel their worried gazes on her back, but she was out the door before any of them had the chance to ask her what was wrong.
Not that she could have answered their questions with anything that made sense.
She felt overheated and sweaty even though the air conditioning was pumping cool air as usual, and she was sure that if she checked the thermostat, it would show the same temperature as it always did.
What could be making her feel so hot and unsteady?
Was it pregnancy hormones?
An overload of guilt?
The new glue that had arrived that morning, which she'd just opened to use on the book she was restoring?
She pressed her palms against the stone wall of the hallway, trying to absorb the coolness it had stored inside of it, or maybe seeking its silent steadiness when everything inside her felt like it was spinning out of control.
Tomorrow night.
Less than thirty-six hours.
At the thought, her heartbeat accelerated, increasing the inferno raging inside of her. It was probably just in her head, mirroring the storm of emotions flickering through her in rapid succession. One moment it was excitement, and the next it was terror or guilt or all three twisting together.
The baby fluttered inside her, barely perceptible but there. Her precious reason for this grand betrayal was reminding her of why she was doing this. Why it was all worth it.
"Tula?"
She hadn't noticed Tony walking up to her. Hadn't heard his footsteps because the cacophony in her head was drowning out everything.
"Are you okay?" he asked. "You've been standing there and leaning against the wall like you were about to faint. Are you nauseous?"
She turned, forcing a smile. "I'm fine. I'm just so hot all the time." She fanned her face with her hand. "It's like ten degrees warmer than normal." She glanced down at her belly, saying to him nonverbally what she couldn't say aloud, what with the walls having ears.
She didn't need Navuh to find out about her pregnancy mere hours before she was going to escape. The increased scrutiny would kill the plan.
Tony knew that her body temperature had been running higher since she'd conceived, but he didn't know that wasn't the reason she was pressing herself against the cool stone like she was trying to disappear into it.
He would never know.
"You should have said something." Tony placed a hand on her back and began to rub it in an up-and-down motion. "I can find you a fan. I'm sure Hassan has some down in storage from when there was no air conditioning in the harem."
"There's no point in bringing it up now."
The words slipped out before she could stop them, and Tony frowned. She could see him trying to understand why there was no point in doing something that might make her feel better, or why she sounded so defeated.
"Why is there no point?" he asked.
"We can't bring a fan into the library. Can you imagine what would happen? Papers flying everywhere. I could use one in my room, though."
That would give him something to do so he would get out of her hair.
"I'll get it for you."
As he started to turn, a new wave of guilt and profound sorrow washed over her, and she caught his hand, pulling him to her. "Not yet." She threw her arms around his neck, burying her face against his shoulder before he could see the tears burning in her eyes.
"Hey." Tony's arms came around her immediately, one hand stroking her hair. "What's wrong?"
Tula usually wasn't that emotional with him, or that loving. They were partners, and they had created the life growing inside of her, but Tony had never been her forever man.
He couldn't be.
He was human.
The thing was that even if he were immortal, he still wouldn't be the type of man she would want to spend eternity with. That didn't mean she didn't care about him, though.
"I just—" Her voice cracked, and she pressed closer. "I'm overly emotional. I'm sorry."
"That's okay." His voice rumbled against her ear. "You are entitled to be emotional."
Tula pulled back just enough to see his face, memorize it, so she could describe him to his son when the time came. "It's the pregnancy hormones," she whispered, smoothing her palms over his chest. "Everything feels too big right now. Too intense. I get emotional over nothing."
"You don't have to explain. We are all tense waiting for Areana to deliver on her promise," he said in a barely audible whisper. "Any news on that front?"
She shook her head, and tears welled in the corners of her eyes.
Tony sighed. "It's killing you. The rest of us can deal with being stuck here. But your situation is different."
She nodded because that was exactly what she needed him to believe. "I can't take it," she whispered. "It's tearing me up from the inside out."
It was the guilt that was doing it, not despair, but the pain was the same, sharp and cutting in her chest. She was going to let him believe she'd killed herself.
He would grieve, perhaps blame himself, but most likely blame Navuh and the impossible choice he forced on Tula.
It was either stay and let them take her baby from her soon after he was born or end her life.
The cruelty of those so-called choices made her sick.
"Don't go to work with Elias today," she said. "Help me in the library."
Tony blinked, surprised. "You want me to help you restore books?"
"You can just sit next to me, and I will tell you what to do."
That got him smiling. "Isn't that what I always do?"
She slapped his chest playfully. "You make me sound like such a tyrant."
"Because you are."
She would have argued if not for the need to act depressed and despondent.
One more day.
Just one more day of pulling off this impossible act of pretending that everything was normal while also acting sad enough to make a suicide believable.
Well, she was sad. But it was a different kind of sad. It wasn't despair. On the contrary, it was hope for something much better. She was just sad to leave behind everyone she cared about.
Tony took her hand and brought it to his lips for a kiss. "Let's go inside, so you can put me to work on rebinding old books. I love learning new skills."
He did, which was one of the things she loved about him. He was always so curious. But for every positive, Tony had a negative, and sometimes the scales tilted in his favor and sometimes against.
It was so very human of him.
Tula was well aware of what she was doing. She was distancing herself from Tony and shoring up her internal protective walls.
"Good morning," Areana said as they entered. "Are you joining us in the library today, Tony?"
"Tula wants me to help her, and I'm more than happy to learn the art of book rebinding."
"I see." Areana's gaze fixed on Tula, and even without looking, Tula could feel the silent reprimand. She wasn't supposed to do this. Clinging to Tony was not her normal mode of operation, and it would be suspicious.
But how was she supposed to act normal when tomorrow night she would be gone forever from Tony's life?
How was she supposed to maintain the careful facade of depression when she felt like she might burst apart from too many emotions all fighting for space inside her chest?
"The Greek poetry book is such a big undertaking," she said. "It has over fifty signatures. I could really use Tony's help with it, and I'm sure that Elias can do without him for one day."
It wasn't even Tony's official job to assist Elias in the interior garden or the medicinal one in the outside gardens. Tony had volunteered because he loved learning about plants, and Elias was like a walking encyclopedia of knowledge on that subject and many others.
"I see." Areana nodded. "It is a laborious undertaking." The goddess cast Tula a look that was edged with concern and tinted with reprimand, before returning to her work.
The message had been clear. A woman planning to kill herself should be withdrawn, listless, going through the motions of life while sinking deeper into despair. But Tula wasn't sinking. She was floating, spinning between euphoria and devastation with nothing to anchor her.
As she and Tony worked in silence, organizing the materials on her desk, Tula tried to focus on the physical task, but her mind kept spinning forward to tomorrow night.
Hopefully, the guards would be watching from a distance. She would have to make it convincing, would have to cry and sob on Areana's shoulder, and seem desperate. Would her acting be good enough?
"Tula."
She looked down and realized she'd been dusting the same signature for far longer than was justified.
"Sorry." She set it down. "I got lost inside my own head."
"That happens sometimes." Tony caught her hand, squeezing it lightly to signal that he understood.
He didn't, though. He had no clue.
She was going to escape this place and never see him again. She was going to have their baby somewhere safe, surrounded by a clan of immortals who had become Wonder's family and would hopefully welcome her as well, while he would be here, thinking she was dead.
The unfairness of it was staggering.
Unless they extracted Tony soon after her.
Areana had said that it might be possible once Tula was safely away. A few weeks, maybe a month. Tony would have to act depressed as well, so his copycat suicide would look believable.
Perhaps it wouldn't be a forever goodbye after all.
Except, she had a feeling that Areana was just saying that to make her feel better.
Tula didn't know much about submarines and divers with underwater scooters, but it all seemed like a tremendous undertaking, and she doubted Annani and her clan would bother to do so for a human, and she couldn't even feel bitter about it.
She was grateful that they were willing to put forth all that effort for her.
Still, the hope flickered. Maybe. Possibly. If the Fates were kind.