Chapter 2 Tula #2
"You're doing it again," Tony said. "Getting lost inside your own head."
Tula forced herself back to the present. "I'm sorry. I promise to stay here."
For now. For the next thirty-six hours. She would try to be more present and to memorize every second.
Guilt pressed down on her, making it hard to breathe. She thought about Areana's words from a few days ago—the guilt will be your constant companion. You need to make peace with that.
How?
How did she make peace with abandoning people she cared so deeply about? How did she carry that forward and manage to function?
She was still trying to figure that out when they'd adjourned to the dining room for lunch, pushing her food around her plate instead of eating it.
Tony looked at her with worry in his eyes. "You've barely touched anything."
"I'm not very hungry." Tula pushed the plate away. "My stomach feels weird." She put a hand over the swell of her belly.
It was another convenient excuse. Another lie. She was building a tower of them, each one adding to the structure that would culminate tomorrow night when she disappeared.
When they returned to the library, the afternoon stretched long and strange.
Time moved both too fast and too slowly, each minute simultaneously crawling and racing toward tomorrow.
Tula clung to Tony, touching him more than usual, and he responded with obvious pleasure, pulling her close whenever she was near, pressing kisses to her temple, her cheek, her lips.
"I like this version of you," he murmured, arms wrapped around her from behind as they stood before a shelf of Greek poetry to compare the binding. "This affectionate, can't-keep-her-hands-off-me version."
"Get used to it." The words hurt coming out, because he wouldn't get used to what would soon not be there.
Unless he joined her later.
Unless the Fates were merciful.
She turned in his arms, looking up at him. "If something happens to me—"
"Don't." Tony's expression closed off immediately. "Don't talk like that."
"But if it did—"
"It won't." His hands tightened on her waist, almost painfully. "Nothing will happen to you. I won't let it."
Did he really believe that he could keep her safe through sheer force of will? He was completely powerless on this island, in this harem, even more so than she was.
"I just need you to know," she tried again, "that you've been good to me, and I appreciate it. I appreciate you."
Tony's jaw clenched, and she saw the fear in his eyes. "You're talking like you're planning to do something stupid."
"I'm not." The lie tasted bitter in her mouth. "I'm just emotional. Pregnancy brain."
He didn't look convinced, but he let it drop, pulling her against his chest and holding her like she might disappear if he loosened his grip. Which, in less than thirty hours, she would.
Areana walked up to them and cleared her throat. "Tony, would you mind giving us a moment?"
He looked between them, reluctant to leave, but he couldn't say no to the lady in charge of the harem, the lady who was supposedly still trying to organize the escape of four people, not just Tula.
"I'll continue dusting the signatures of that huge poetry book," he said.
Tula forced a smile. "I'll join you as soon as Lady Areana and I are done."
The moment he was gone, Areana's careful neutrality cracked. "What are you doing?" she whispered.
"What do you mean?"
"This." Areana gestured at the space Tony had just occupied. "Clinging to him. Acting like you're trying to memorize every moment. You're going to make him and everyone watching you with him suspicious."
"I can't help it." Tula's voice broke. "He's being so sweet, and I keep thinking about how much I'm going to hurt him."
Areana's expression softened. "I understand, but you need to think clearly. If Tony suspects something is wrong, he will come after you and try to stop you."
The image made Tula's blood run cold.
Tony showing up while she was with Areana, seeing her stage the suicide, trying to intervene. Discovering the truth and confronting her. Or following her down the cliff face and falling to his actual death. After all, he was human, so he would be caught in the same shroud as the guards.
"I'll be more careful," she whispered.
"You need to act depressed and subdued," Areana reminded her gently. "Clinging to your partner like a drowning woman clinging to driftwood is not the behavior of someone planning suicide. It's the behavior of someone saying goodbye."
She was right. But knowing it didn't make it any easier.
"I don't know if I can do this."
"You can." Areana put a hand on Tula's shoulder. "I don't need to repeat all the reasons why. You know them by heart. Just keep repeating them in your head until they take root."
Tula nodded, drawing strength from Areana's certainty. The goddess was sacrificing so much for her, and she was doing so without moping around and acting weird like she was.
Areana's relationship with Navuh was on the line, perhaps even her own safety. The least Tula could do was not waste that sacrifice by failing to play her part the way she was supposed to.
"I'll give you something for Tony that will ensure he stays asleep tomorrow night," Areana said.
"That's a good idea. Thank you."
The goddess put a hand on her shoulder. "Just hold it together for one more day, and then you'll be free."