Chapter 34
The days after felt long and tedious. Cade insisted that Asha should rest, even when she felt well enough to move.
He fussed over her endlessly, constantly offering water, fluffing her pillows, and talking to her when she got bored.
For his part, Leo checked on her several times a day, and Dom brought fish and foraged edible plants for their meals.
They seemed surprisingly content, but then, they’d spent the last six months on the road.
It must’ve just been nice to settle in one place for a while.
Each night, he crawled into bed with her, held her, and slept at her side…
and that was it. He never pushed her for more, and he didn’t kiss her again.
Sometimes, she caught him staring at her, watching her, with the oddest look on his face: wistful, and hopeful, and most of all, happy.
So very happy, and she still didn’t fully understand why.
Every night when she was in his arms, before they fell asleep, Cade whispered, “I love you, my angel.”
There was no pregnant pause after the words. He didn’t wait for her to say it back. He simply gave the words to her like a gift, and the first time it happened, Asha wasn’t sure what to do with them. She lay there in silence, letting him stroke her hair, but her shoulders suddenly felt like marble.
“It’s not a trap, darling,” he said, huffing a laugh as he felt her tense up.
“It’s just that…so many nights when we were apart, I lay under the stars, wishing I’d just said the damn words when I had the chance, that it might’ve made all the difference.
And then I was terrified I may never see you again.
Now that I have you back, I never want to go another day without telling you. ”
Asha exhaled slowly, releasing her muscles. “It would’ve made a difference. But…it does now, too.”
Cade kissed her temple. “Good. Because it’s as true as anything else I know for sure: the sun will rise in the morning, Dom will be a grumpy dick, and I love you.”
It was her turn to laugh, and he grinned, clearly pleased by the sound.
Five nights after she’d been brought to Ashburn, Asha lay in his arms again and said quietly, “You haven’t asked me to explain myself.”
Cade stroked her hair. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Figured you’d tell me when you’re ready,” he replied with a small shrug. “Until then, I’m just happy we’re both here.”
“But what if…” she trailed off, scared to even voice the thought. Then she said in a rush, “What if you hear it and you don’t want me anymore?”
Cade held her tighter. “Not possible. I always saw the darkness inside you, and I told you to use it to survive. I can hardly be mad at you for taking my advice.”
Asha considered that. She supposed it was true, though it didn’t absolve her of anything. Then again, given his presence, she clearly wasn’t the only one seeking redemption.
“You can tell me anything, darling,” Cade added gently, massaging her shoulder. “I can feel all that pain you’re holding onto. All that anger. It’s so much for you.”
She was suddenly shivering fiercely, though the June evening was warm.
“Give it to me.” His voice was like velvet—so soft, so comforting. “Let me carry it for you. It’s just me and the dark.”
It was that familiar turn of phrase that ultimately delivered a death blow to her defences.
All at once, she broke apart. Sobbed uncontrollably against his chest, clawing at him in desperate agony, as if she needed him to anchor her to the Earth.
The pain of her outburst was unlike anything she’d ever felt.
Every bit of shock, torment, and misery she’d suppressed for all these months poured out of her in a torrential downpour of tears.
“Oh, Asha,” Cade murmured, heartsick, and his grip on her tightened. “I’m so sorry, my angel. You’ve been walking wounded all this time, hmm? Since long before I met you. Since before you can even remember.”
She couldn’t reply with anything but a desperate wail. She’d never cried like this in her whole life. She would’ve been embarrassed if she’d had room for any emotion besides sheer anguish.
“I know, darling,” he whispered, as though acknowledging something she’d said. “I can feel it. You’ve been carrying it all with you for so long.”
“You said to master the darkness,” Asha gasped out. “But I’ve become the darkness. There’s nothing left of me.”
“It’s alright,” Cade said simply, kissing her temple. “I’ve got you. You’re right here with me, and I’m never, ever letting you go again.”
It was what she needed to hear. He kept holding her until she’d finally exhausted herself. Then, at last, she began to tell him everything.
When she’d finished, Cade kissed her and said again, “I still love you.”
Asha cringed. “I don’t deserve it.”
“Well, that’s the thing about unconditional love, darling: deserving it isn’t part of the equation.”
Unconditional love. Something like awe filled her. She’d never been offered such a gift, and so freely. Immediately, however, she knew she felt it for him, too. Nothing he’d done had extinguished her love for him, even when she’d been at her most angry and betrayed.
“I’ll love you until the sun burns out,” Cade murmured against her hair. “Until we’re all nothing but dust, and everything you’ve done is erased from living memory.”
Summer stretched forward like an endless road before them.
After Asha had recovered physically, she began to help the others with rebuilding Ashburn.
Cade had already done a good job fixing up his own cabin, where she’d been staying, but the others needed more work.
Leo took over the biggest one and was in the process of turning the main room into a makeshift clinic, so she spent a lot of time helping him organize supplies and scavenge for decent furniture.
Dom was spending all his time planting a new garden, full of new medicinal herbs and vegetables. To Asha’s surprise, Lana and Cassie were eager to help him, even if Dom didn’t seem to appreciate their presence. Then again, it was always hard to tell with him.
“It’s good to see you again,” Asha had said to Lana one warm afternoon in the garden, feeling a little awkward. “I’m sorry it’s under these circumstances, but—”
Lana scoffed. “You should’ve told me about everything before you ran off, Asha. I would’ve helped you. You should’ve trusted me.”
Asha nodded. “Yeah, I know. That’s a tough one for me. But…for what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re safe. And I missed you.”
Lana still gave her a severe look, but her eyes softened a little. “Alright. But you’re still on thin ice with me.”
“Understood,” Asha replied with a small smile.
A week after arriving at Ashburn, she awoke alone in bed, which was unusual. Cade typically woke her when he got up, but sunlight was streaming in through the window, and he wasn’t home.
Irrational panic squeezed Asha’s chest like a vise. She jumped out of bed. He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s—
Sitting on the grass outside. What?
It was true: in the early morning sun, visible from the front window, Cade sat cross-legged on a patch of soft grass. His back was to her, but his palms lay open, facing skyward, on top of his knees. Curiosity overtook her fear, so she got dressed and headed outside to meet him.
He was still just sitting there, and when Asha approached him, she realized his eyes were closed. His breath was slow and deep, and he looked…calm. Relaxed. Maybe more than she’d ever seen him before.
It was only once she dropped in the grass beside him that Cade opened his eyes and looked at her, and his gaze was so full of soft affection that it made her flush a little.
“What are you doing?” she asked, reaching over to take his hand.
“Meditating,” Cade replied with a touch of dry humour. “I do it a lot now. Even if it still feels a bit hokey sometimes.”
Asha was surprised. “I never saw you do it before.”
“That’s because I never did before I left the Nest. When we were on the road, Leo talked to me about some things. Helped me learn to manage my temper. He tried to offer me psych help before, but I never took him up on it till then.”
He paused, seeming to consider his next words carefully.
“Even though I told you to talk about it before—about your trauma—I never took my own advice much, except with you. Then when I decided to search for you, I knew I wanted to be better. Not just for you, but for me, too. So, I’ve been… working on things.”
Asha was seized by sudden tenderness. She didn’t quite know what to say, except, “I’m proud of you.”
Cade smiled warmly at her, like her praise really meant something to him. “You should join me, darling. You might be surprised by how much it helps, over time.”
So, she did. Every morning over the next few weeks, they meditated together for an hour.
Like Cade said, it sometimes felt a little hokey, but she was surprised by how much she started to look forward to it.
Something about focusing all her energy on breathing, on the sounds of nature, on the sunbeams warming her face felt healing.
And in the dark of the night, she still whispered her secrets to him, told him her nightmares, and let him comfort her.
That felt like healing, too.
After that, they spent a lot of days hunting and fishing, since it was now their main source of food. The quiet of the wilderness was peaceful in a way she’d never found it before, until she understood that it was being with Cade that brought her peace.
He still didn’t press her for anything more. He did, however, start planning little outings for them. A long walk in the woods, or a picnic by the lake. A trip to the Post for supplies or just for fun. A candlelit dinner in the cabin.
It was different. He was different.
“Since when are you Mr. Romantic?” Asha asked one evening, with a small giggle.