Beau
thirty-five
My heart is still racing. I don’t think I’ll ever breathe easy again. Now that I know the absolute fear of losing this kid, I’ll never not know it. The terror is etched into my bones.
“You can talk to me,” I tell Ollie. “Even about hard things. I hope you know that.”
He drops his gaze, the tears he’s valiantly held back splashing onto his jeans, and he doesn’t look up again.
I glance at Daisy, who watches me with a patient confidence I don’t deserve. How the hell am I supposed to fix this?
What do I know about the inner workings of a ten-year-old boy? He ran away from me, for Christ’s sake! I’m doing something wrong if the kid thinks this can solve his problems when I can’t.
Ollie is shaken up. I get that. My father showing up spooked an already fragile horse. Hell, I’m a grown man and it still knocked me down. I can’t imagine what it’s like for Ollie.
That’s when I realize I can imagine it. I know exactly what it’s like.
I remember being a kid, wishing an adult would swoop in like a superhero and make things right.
I remember not knowing what to do with fears and frustrations that made no sense to my ten-year-old self.
There was something wrong and unspoken about my family, but nobody wanted to look at it long enough to tell me it wasn’t my fault.
I sigh again. Ollie needs to know none of this is his fault.
“Ollie,” I say. “I know this is hard, but we need to talk about why you ran away. You share your feelings with Amy, but I should’ve made more of an effort to continue those conversations at home. Have you been sad, and I didn’t realize it?”
It takes a moment, but Ollie eventually replies with a short shake of his head.
“Not sad,” I say, thankful he’s starting to respond. “Maybe another feeling?” When he doesn’t reply, I try again. “Angry? Confused?”
Ollie lifts one shoulder, and I defer to Daisy for help, but she seems to think I’m on the right track because she encourages me with a tip of her head.
“You know, sometimes I find it hard to put my feelings into words,” I say. “For example, seeing your grandfather made me feel things I don’t want to feel.”
Ollie raises his head, curious and serious. “Like what?”
“Well. If I’m honest, I was angry. He wasn’t a very good father to me when I was growing up, and that was hard to understand when I was your age.
It’s still hard to understand now. I wanted him to love me, but I don’t think he did.
I can pretend it doesn’t hurt when I don’t have to see him very often, but the truth is, it still makes me mad.
When I saw him, it brought up those old emotions.
I don’t like feeling that way, but sometimes we can’t help it. ”
Ollie licks his lips, hesitating like he’s not sure he should admit something. “I get angry too. At Grandpa.” His voice is small. “And Mom.”
“I understand,” I say quietly. “I would be angry at them too if I were you.”
He plucks at a loose stitch in the seam of his jeans, and I try again.
“I also feel confused,” I tell him. “Because in a lot of ways, I still love your grandpa. And your grandma. And even your mom. They will always be my family, and it’s hard to not love your family, even when they treat you badly.”
Ollie curls in on himself, wrapping his arms around his knees. “I love them too.”
I set a comforting hand on his head. “It’s possible to love someone and be mad at them at the same time. You can do both.”
Ollie sniffles, then wipes his nose with the back of his hand. “Grandpa was mean to me,” he says. “He laughed at my hat.”
I give myself a moment to let the eruption of fury fade. “Grandpa doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and cowboys don’t take fashion advice from a man who can’t ride a horse.”
Ollie’s mouth tips up on one side. “Yeah.”
I tug on the sleeve of his T-shirt. “But you know what? We’re lucky, Ollie, because we have each other. We have to stick together. No more running away.”
“But I don’t want to go live with Grandpa,” he almost cries. “I want to stay here.”
His simple declaration makes the bridge of my nose tingle, and knowing I can’t promise him anything makes my heart thump erratically. I take a slow breath to calm myself.
“I don’t want you to live with Grandpa either,” I assure him. “He didn’t come here to take you away, and he’s gone now.”
“But you still want us to leave Silver Leaf,” he accuses.
“Why do you say that?”
He scowls a little. “Because you want to work at a place called Amber-Fee… Amber-Falls… Amber-something! It’s not fair that you get to decide where we live, and you’ve been keeping secrets, just like Mom!”
My throat sticks. “Who said we’re leaving Silver Leaf?”
He glares for a moment, then rolls his eyes. “I’m ten, not stupid. Me and Izzy heard you guys talking.”
I swap a chagrined look with Daisy. “Well, I can understand why you’re mad at me, but Ollie—where we live and where I work is a decision I have to make as a grown-up. We need to go where it’s best for you, and I need a proper job to take care of you.”
I sigh and run a hand through my hair. “I should’ve been more honest with you, but I was trying to protect you. I didn’t want you to worry. I guess my plan backfired, huh?”
“So we are leaving?” he asks.
I force myself to focus on my nephew, my gaze never straying toward the woman holding her breath by my side.
“I don’t know,” I tell him. “I’m still working it out.”
“Is that why you ran away?” Daisy asks. “So you could stay at Silver Leaf?”
“It was Izzy’s idea,” Ollie confesses. “She said I could share her room. She has a trundle and everything.”
“Oh, buddy.” I pick up his hand, and it looks so small in mine. “It’s very, very important that you never do something like this again. You could be hurt if nobody knows where you are, and I was terrified when I couldn’t find you. I don’t ever want to feel like that again.”
Ollie hangs his head. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles.
“I know,” I say. “And whether you like it or not, you need a proper guardian. It’s my job to love you, care for you, and keep you safe. And I want it to stay that way, which means we stick together, even in the hard times, okay?”
His nod this time comes with a sigh. “Okay.”
“And you know what else? If you weren’t around, I’d really miss you.”
He looks up through his dark lashes. “Really?”
“Oh, yeah. You’re a great kid, and the way you help me with the horses? I’d be lost without you.”
For the first time in three days, Ollie smiles, and my chest releases at the sight of it.
“But Ollie? The only way this works is if we trust each other. It’s obvious that we both have to work on that, but I’m willing to try if you are.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
He scrubs his hand under his nose, fidgets a little, and then casts another of those hooded looks at Daisy.
“Is there something else, cowboy?” she asks.
His shoulders curl in. “I’m sorry I came into the loft without a grown-up. I know that’s against the rules.” Ollie picks up a piece of hay and clasps it in a fist as his brows knit together. “Does this mean I’m fired?”
“Fired?” Daisy blinks with alarm, but she’s fighting a smile. “No, sweetie. You’re not fired. I’m impressed that you admitted your mistake and apologized. That takes maturity.”
He brightens a little. “It does?”
“Of course. But you’re right. It was against the rules.
You know what your uncle was saying about trust?
Well, that goes for you and me too. We might have to talk about what you can and can’t do in the stable.
And I’ll keep a closer eye on you until I’m confident that you’ll only go where I say you can go and you’ll only ever be where you promise you’ll be. What do you say to that?”
Ollie smiles with tight lips. “Okay, Aunt Daisy.”
Her brows rise alongside a sharp inhale, and she presses a hand over her heart. I’m fighting for my life to try not to react and ruin their moment.
“Is that okay?” Ollie asks hesitantly. “If I call you Aunt Daisy?”
Daisy throws herself across the floor and tackles the poor kid, barreling him into a hug that knocks them both to the boards. “Yes! Absolutely. I love it. If it’s all right with your Uncle Beau?”
“It’s more than all right with me,” I say with a crack in my voice.
Ollie giggles. “You’re squishing me!”
“Oops.” She pushes herself upright and helps Ollie back to his seated position. “Sorry. I got a little carried away.”
“Who said I didn’t like it?” Ollie quips with a grin, then to me, he adds, “Where’s my hat?”
“It’s back at the cabin,” I tell him. “Which is where we’re going now to have a good breakfast and maybe go back to bed? You look tired.”
Ollie yawns widely but says, “I’m all right. I can work. Pony Noir needs his breakfast too.”
Daisy questions me with one lifted brow. “What do you say, Beau? Business as usual?”
My body aches like I’ve already done a hard day’s work, adrenaline and panic leaving my muscles and my mind exhausted. But keeping busy is best for all of us. It’ll give us less time to think.
Because I’ve got a decision to make, and it’s not going to be easy. Not when the future of this little boy comes first, and I’m struggling to imagine a future for me at Silver Leaf.