Chapter 37
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Arden
The little blonde had found me again and I’m not sure if I can be as nice as I was last time.
“I’ve been watching you,” she says and then she continues before I could dismiss her. “Not like that. I know you’re with the redhead. I just mean, I’ve seen you at these parties and on campus and I’ve noticed something.”
I don’t care what she’s noticed or what she’s about to say but she shoves her phone in my face and the bright light pulls my focus. I’m expecting to see her phone number or a naked picture or something but what she shows me is an app. An app called Calm-me.
“What is this?”
“So, I’m a psychology major. I created this app as part of my senior project. It’s an app for people who are easily triggered and need help finding strategies to calm down.”
“I’m not—”
“Like I said…I’ve been watching you. At first, I’ll admit I was interested but when I saw you were head over heels for the redhead, I got over it.
Instead, you became research for me. I analyzed how you reacted to certain stimuli at parties like this and tailored some of the calming strategies on the app specifically to how they would work for you. ”
I blink a few times, not sure how to respond to this. “I’m…flattered?”
She smirks. “Let me send you the link for the app. It’s still a prototype so you can’t download it from the app store. Give it a try or don’t. But I really think it’ll help.”
My sessions with Melissa have helped me more than anything but I will admit that sometimes I get caught up in situations and forget all about my tools to help me. This app might actually save my life. And my relationship with Danika.
After typing my number into the link she opened, the girl—whose name I don’t even know—makes a sound like she’s scared of something and then I follow her eyes…right to Danika.
Fuck.
This does not look good.
And there she goes, out the door. Fuck.
Watching Danika shuffle down the street with Gemma is the hardest thing I’ve done in a while. It might make me a stalker but there’s no way in hell I’m letting them walk to the dorms at two in the morning by themselves. I just plan to stay a few paces behind so they don’t see me.
While I wait for them to get a headstart, I check out the link Blondie sent me. I could really use some calming right now.
The app has a search function but it also has categories of situations and specific calming techniques for each.
I scroll through the hopeless category until I find a thinking exercise that’ll calm my whirling thoughts. I walk a few paces forward, knowing Dani and Gemma are at least half a block away at this point and work on the calming exercise.
I have to admit it actually works. At least a little bit. I follow the steps the entire time I walk behind the girls and then close the app once I watch them go into Kennedy dorm. I guess Danika really is staying there tonight.
I truly hope she comes home tomorrow with an open mind because at this point, I’m willing to lay my heart on the line for her, I just hope she doesn’t tear it to shreds.
She doesn’t come home Sunday.
I know she heard what I said. About how much I care for her. I know she believes that I wasn’t flirting with that girl. God, I hope I’m right about that.
I think she’s really afraid of her feelings for me. For what we can be together. She’s afraid to commit so she’s hiding, hoping it’ll all blow over. Maybe she thinks the longer she stays away, the more I’d just let it go.
Fat chance.
The minute she walks in the door, we’re talking about it. And she knows that. Hence the disappearing act. I can only pace the apartment so many times before I start a fire under my feet.
I check that app a few times, using some of the strategies.
I hate to admit that they actually work, seeing as this whole thing was the cause of the problem in the first place.
I’m counting the minutes until my call with Melissa.
I need an intervention at this point to not go to Gemma’s dorm and drag Danika out myself.
“Dani?” I answer the phone without looking at caller ID, truly going mad.
It’s Melissa's voice on the other side of the phone. Wow, I really must’ve lost track of time worrying all day. “Arden? Are you alright?”
“I mean, not really but hi.” I collapse on the couch, finally able to relax for a minute.
“Hi. Is now not a good time?”
“No, it’s a perfect time. Danika and I got into it last night and she hasn’t been home since. I’ve just been worried, that’s all.”
“Worried because you don’t know where she is or worried about how the fight has affected your budding relationship?”
I breathe out. “Both, I guess. I had assumed she’s still at her friend’s dorm but now that you mention it, she could be anywhere. She hasn’t answered any of my texts all day.” I jump up again, a new worry crawling its way up my throat. What if she is in danger somewhere? I’d have no idea.
“Okay, Arden. I’m sure that wherever Danika is, she’s fine. She’s a grown woman who is allowed to stay out wherever she wants. Right?”
“Sure,” I agree tentatively. “Yes.” I move my pacing to the kitchen, filling a glass with water from the sink to quench my suddenly parched throat. I spend most of the session talking through the events of last night, Melissa asking me clarifying questions throughout.
“Okay, I have an idea. Let’s put aside what happened last night. I assume you want to be prepared to talk to her when she does return. Let’s focus on that with our remaining time.”
I refill the glass and take it to the dining room table, my back to the front door.
It helps to be near the exit for some reason, just in case I need to go for a walk to let off some steam.
There’s a shuffling in the hallway. One of my neighbors must’ve just gotten home.
How nice, can you get Danika to come home too?
“I like to do a kind of ‘mind’s eye’ exercise with my patients.
Think about Danika and your relationship with her.
You said she has some reservations about you.
Put yourself in her shoes. What might she say to you if you ask her for more in this relationship?
The point of this activity is to see where your insecurities lie and then we can tackle those one at a time. So, what do you think she’d say?”
I think for a moment. She’s afraid I’ll hurt her. She thinks I’m like her father. I have to prove to her that I’m nothing like him. “Probably something like: ‘Being close feels dangerous, even when it shouldn’t.”
Melissa hums, encouraging me to continue. So I do. Even though it hurts. Really fucking bad. “It’s probably better to let this go before anyone gets hurt. I deserve someone better who won’t bring chaos into my life’.”
“What do you mean by chaos?”
“This mess, this back and forth. We’ve been doing it for years whether we knew it or not. Especially after what happened last year. Everything changed after that.”
“I recall you being happy about that interaction last year.”
“I was. But I’m not sure how Danika felt about it. We never talked about it. Not really. She’s a great avoider when she wants to be.”
Melissa talks me through a few more ideas for how to approach the conversation with Danika before we hang up and I take in as much as I can.
I know everything she says is subjective but it’s the only lifeline I have right now.
I even tell her about the app and she seems on board and asks me to send her the link to check it out herself.
I feel equipped to tackle some kind of conversation with Danika when she comes home. If.