Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Danika
I spend the whole of Sunday with Gemma in her dorm. We study, watch movies and have girl talk. It’s nice to be able to spend time with someone other than Arden. I miss having girl energy in my life.
But I can’t stay there forever, a fact I’m not yet willing to face.
“Are we going to talk about what happened last night with Arden or are we going to keep pretending you two didn’t have a dramatic Hallmark movie style blowout in the KA backyard.”
I roll my eyes, throwing a piece of popcorn into my mouth. “We did not have a blow out. We had a conversation.”
“A loud one.”
“Oh what do you know? You were too drunk to comprehend anything.”
“Your raised voices were the only reason I was able to find you.”
I glare at her, unwilling to counter that argument any further. I guess it was pretty heated. We both said some interesting things.
I want you, Danika. I’ve always wanted you.
What the hell did he mean by that?
He can’t possibly mean what I think he means. Always? Since when did a situationship become an always? I mean, I’ve dreamed about being with him since I was a teenager but that was it…a dream. It was never meant to be a reality.
“What’s with you two? Clearly you like each other. You’ve been fake dating for months. Why does it have to be fake?”
“It’s complicated. I should probably get home.” I get up from the couch and go to grab my shoes and jacket.
“You’re avoiding the topic but lucky for you, I need to stretch my legs so you can tell me the whole story while I walk you back to your apartment.”
I open my mouth to protest but she cuts me off with a glare. Fine, maybe it will be nice to talk to someone on the outside about this. I love Margot but she’s more than a little biased about the whole situation.
Gemma and I put on our coats, and I tighten the sweatpants I borrowed from her to sleep in. As we leave the dorm, I start on the saga.
“We grew up together. I hated being at my house so I spent much of my growing years with Arden and his sister, Margot, my best friend. Of course, I’ve always had a massive crush on him because are you even a teenage girl if you didn’t have a crush on your best friend’s brother?”
“Henry Chase,” Gemma says wistfully then nods, urging me to continue.
“Arden was always around. Even though it really seemed like he didn’t want to be.
He would sit in the living room when Margot and I would watch movies.
He wouldn’t say a damn word, nose stuck in his phone or a book, but he wouldn’t leave.
He would sometimes drive me home from school if Margot had a club and my dad took my car away, like he did every other weekend for no reason. He was even my first kiss.”
“Girl, what?”
I shake my head, not wanting to get into that particular detail. I’m naming all the best things about Arden right now, I need to be fair and give her the whole story.
“But he was violent too. He always got into fights at school. He would punch other boys and he was always getting into trouble.”
“And you don’t like that side of him…”
“Would you?” I turn the question on her.
“My father is angry enough. I don’t need two angry men controlling my life.
” Even as I say it, I know I’m being too harsh.
Arden has explained those fights to me and the fact that he was fighting to defend me isn’t lost on me.
As much as Arden raised his hand for me, it was never ever toward me.
Even the most shallow parts of me know that Arden would never hurt me like that.
“So, you think he might lash out and hit you one day?”
I’m shaking my head before she can get the question out. “No, he would never.”
“Dani, I’m confused.”
“Yeah.” We keep walking. “So am I.”
After leaving Gemma outside, I walk into the building feeling no more resolved than I did leaving it last night. We have a lot to talk about and I’m worried that this impending conversation is going to change everything.
When I put my hand on the doorknob, I hear Arden’s voice through his open door. He must be on the phone. That shouldn’t give me pause but for some reason it does. And I find myself taking my hand off the doorknob and pressing my ear to the wood instead.
“Being close feels dangerous, even when it shouldn’t.”
I pull back for a second, deciding if my morals are higher than the need to eavesdrop. In the same second, I realize they’re not.
Arden’s voice is exasperated as he continues. “It’s probably better to let this go before anyone gets hurt. I deserve someone better who won’t bring chaos into my life.”
Well, fuck.
I guess that answers that question.
Without thinking, I leave the building and stand outside, trying to get some fresh air and make sense of what I heard.
He thinks I bring chaos into this life? What am I doing besides exactly what he’s asked me to do this whole time?
I mean, sure, asking him to be my pretend boyfriend is a bit much but it was his idea in the first place!
I never would’ve gone along with it if he wasn’t so adamant.
If anything, he’s the tornado that’s swept me up in this mess when all I’ve been trying to do this entire time is pass med school.
I think the only option here is to give each other some space. We don’t need to do all this “chaos” if he doesn’t want it. All he has to do is say the word and it’s over.
Or I can say the word.
Do I want it to be over?
I’ve loved crashing into Arden’s bed night after night. Having him near has been a relief and distraction that I didn’t know I needed and now I fear might be gone. We can never go back to casual, even if we tried. There’s nothing casual about us. There is no us.
Whether I think it or not, there’s no more time to spend in the inbetween. I need to go inside and face whatever it is he’s about to say.
With a fresh resolve, I let out a deep breath and head back inside. When I open the door, Arden is standing in the living room. He whips around when he hears the door open, his arm dropping from the top of his head.
“Shit, brat, where the hell have you been?”
“At Gemma’s, you knew that,” I kick off my shoes, trying to be as casual as possible. Because that’s what we are: casual. “What’s the matter?”
“‘Whats the matter?’ You haven’t answered any of my texts, I had no idea if you were coming home today or if something happened to you or—”
“Chill, Arden,” I let out a merciless laugh. “We’re just roommates. You don’t have to worry about me like that.”
For a second, he’s silent. I know he wants to fight me on this. Duke it out until we’ve come to an understanding one way or another but I just don’t have it in me. I’m tired. This whole entire thing is making me bone tired. I just need it to be over.
“I’m going to study for a bit in my room and then probably pass out. Enjoy your night.” I turn to go into my room, but I feel Arden’s hand grip my wrist, keeping me in the room. I have no idea how he even got over here so fast.
“Wait, please.”
“Let go of me.”
Arden drops my arm immediately and takes a step back for good measure. When I meet his eyes, he looks absolutely devastated. “Dani, what the hell is going on? You’re shutting me out.”
“I’m not shutting you out. I’m just exhausted and don’t want to talk right now.”
“I waited all day for you to get back. I just want to know where we stand.”
“What do you mean? We’re roommates, we’re fuck buddies, we’re pretend dating. I thought all of that was pretty clear.”
“Fuck buddies…”
“Friends with benefits?”
“Dani, please.”
Throwing my arms up in the air, I huff in exasperation. “Arden, I don’t know what the hell you want me to say. We aren’t in a relationship. We have made no vows to each other. We have sex occasionally. That’s it.”
He’s quiet again and I know my words are hurting him. Hell, they’re hurting me. But I have to say them. In order to give us some time apart, I need to create space.
“That’s it. Okay, Danika,” Arden says, nodding his head a few times before turning around. He walks into his room and closes the door. I turn around and do the same. Even though, the minute it’s closed, I immediately collapse against it and cry hysterically.