Chapter 40
Chapter Forty
Arden
She stayed.
All night she stayed and she was even there when I awoke, wedged between my arm and my chest. It took a real concerted effort to slide out from underneath her but if I didn’t, I would absolutely be late for work. I should wake her. Take her to campus, get her a coffee before her lecture.
Or I could wake her and slide into her warmth like I did twice last night.
God, she looks so fucking beautiful with her fire red hair strewn out across my pillow. I want to keep her there forever. She’s never looked more perfect.
I pull pants and a t-shirt out of my dresser as quietly as I can but she stirs nonetheless, waking with a stretch.
“Walk of shame from your own bedroom? That’s a new low,” she says, her voice cracks from unuse.
She definitely used it last night, enough that I needed to remind her we have neighbors by gripping my hand over her mouth.
She rewarded me with a bite to the finger and I had almost finished right then and there.
“I’ve got an early shift,” I reply, sheepishly. “I can wait for you to get ready and drive you to campus, if you want.”
Danika glances at her phone, which she’d retrieved sometime after our second round and plugged into the outlet next to the bed. “Nah, I don’t have to get there until eight. I’ll drive myself. Thanks though.” She turns back over and curls deeper into the pillow.
I have to physically pull myself out the door to not join her back in that bed. She looks like a goddamn angel.
“Dinner later. I’m cooking,” I say, pulling on my pants. Danika turns back around to look at me. “Consider it a date.”
She nods and smiles.
Another date with Danika. This time, I’m making it official. I’m keeping the brat for good.
“Iced coconut latte.”
I barely hold back my grimace and ring the man up, turning to make his drink. I swear, the more time I’m spending doing this job, the less I want to drink coffee.
After he leaves, I glance at the clock and wonder if Danika is going to stop by before her lecture. The bell rings over the door and I’m hoping it’s her.
“Hey,” a female voice says.
Turning around, I give a smile but it turns out it’s the wrong her. “Hi.”
“Been using the app?” The nameless blonde asks.
“Are you stalking me?”
She rolls her eyes. “Please. Not my fault this is the only coffee shop on campus. A large black coffee please.”
I turn to make her drink and she keeps talking. “So, have you?”
I nod. “Actually, it’s been pretty helpful.”
“Would you mind meeting with me once or twice so I can interview you about using it?” She taps her card on the register and takes the hot beverage from my hand.
“Woah, hold on. I didn’t sign up to be a test dummy for your psych class.”
“Of course not, and you’re not the only person I have testing this app, it’s just…every person’s feedback helps.”
I think for a minute. This app really has helped me, I should help her with her class. It’s the least I can do. “When do you wanna meet?”
She smiles widely. “Use the app a few more times and then wanna meet for coffee on Wednesday after classes?”
“Sure.”
She beams. “My name is Katrina, by the way.”
“Didn’t ask.”
Katrina laughs, rolling her eyes as she turns around.
As she walks out the door, Danika walks in.
Fuck. That could’ve been bad. What the hell am I doing making plans to hang out with this girl when I know Danika had a problem last time I talked to her.
But it’s not like I’m meeting with her romantically.
I would never do that. I have no interest in anyone other than Danika.
She knows that. That’s all that matters.
“Morning, beautiful.”
She smiles. “Don’t start going soft on me now, tough guy.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it, brat.”
She tells me her coffee order but she doesn't need to. I already know she prefers a black iced coffee with way too much sugar. As I give her the drink, awkwardly pushing aside the credit card she insists on offering, I brush my thumbs across the back of her palm.
“Can’t wait until tonight.”
“Me either,” she replies, her cheeks warming. I love it when I can see the effect I have on her. It makes me feel like she feels it too. “Do you need me to get anything for tonight? I can pick up some wine on the way home.”
“Nope. I got it all covered, brat. Just show up.”
“I’ll be there.”
She turns to leave but I can’t help giving her one last thing to think about. “And I really wanna talk tonight. Like...really.”
She nods tentatively then leaves the cafe. I probably scared her off with that last comment but I don’t care. I’d rather she’s prepared for the conversation when we sit down. Because otherwise I run the risk of her completely bolting.
Now, she’ll have something prepared to say to try and change my mind about her and I’ll be just as prepared to convince her to be with me. It’s going to be perfect.
When I walk in the door, I see the table is set, a single candle lit in the center and wine glasses ready to be filled. Danika is sitting sheepishly at the kitchen island.
“Sorry, I got antsy," she says with a shrug.
“Don’t apologize, I love you.” Her eyes widen.
“It. I love it. Thank you.” I shuttle into the apartment, dropping my bag, hanging my coat, and hoping to god we can ignore that freudian slip.
I avoid her gaze as I walk into the kitchen and start preparing the dinner I planned this morning while I was working.
A beautiful skirt steak with potatoes and asparagus.
“Can I help more?” she asks quietly, and I’m so fucking thankful that it seems like she’s letting me get away with that slip.
I didn’t actually mean it. I don’t actually love her.
I love being around her. I love hooking up with her.
And having her fall asleep on my chest. And when she quizzes me in statistics and shares her terribly cooked meals with me.
And when she smiles. Or frowns. Or laughs. Or just sits there looking at me.
Fuck.
I love her.
“Nope, brat. You just sit there and look pretty.”
“I excel at doing that,” she hums, pulling up a textbook from the bookshelf. “But I was thinking I’d quiz you while you cook. It’s been a while since I kept up my end of the bargain.”
Her comment makes me pause.
How could I forget that we were meant to be fake dating.
“You don’t have to do that anymore. I mean, I think we’re far from where we were at the beginning of the semester,” I say, not meeting her eye as I start prepping the steak.
“I know. I want to.”
When I do meet her eye, she looks so goddamn sincere I want to squeeze her to my chest and never let go. I nod, letting her proceed and we spend the next half an hour on plant and animal physiology.
As we sit down to eat, a notification from the CalmMe app appears on my phone but I shove it into my pocket before Danika can see. She notices the motion with a narrowed eye but doesn’t say anything.
Should I just tell her about all of it?
No. The very last thing I want is for Danika to think of me like a ticking time bomb. Like I could explode on her at any minute. That I need help to be a normal, regular person. What would she think of me then?
Then it dawns on me. I’m not ready for her.
Maybe I am still a bomb ready to explode. I’ve been doing so much work with Melissa and this app but maybe I’m not fully ready to be with her. I shouldn’t open this door for us until I’m absolutely certain that nothing will happen to her. Or nothing will happen to us to make her doubt me.
I want to spend all my time with her. I want her to want me. But I’m afraid that her wanting me will lead to her being afraid of me. That’s the very last thing I ever want. It’s not lost on me that she thinks I am violent. And I haven’t really done anything to disprove that point recently.
There’s no rush, really. We are in a good place. There’s no reason to rock the boat if I’m not ready to face the consequences of someone going overboard.
Okay. Redirect.
I had gone into this date with the intention of making her my girlfriend but now that I’ve realized we’re not ready for that, I need to shift the focus.
“How were classes today?”
“Fine. It’s back to regularly scheduled programming now that midterms are over.” She takes a bite of the steak and visibly holds back a groan. “This is really good.”
“Thanks,” I reply, taking my own bite. We eat in comfortable chatter for a while, catching up on classes and friend drama.
I want to ask if Nico’s still giving her a problem but I also don’t want to say his name and bring up bad memories.
She hasn’t mentioned him in a while so I can only assume he’s backed off.
I can tell she’s antsy since I told her we’d be having a conversation but she doesn’t bring it up and neither do I. Any change can be scary and unless we’re both one hundred percent certain we want to do this, we shouldn’t.
This decision doesn’t change my feelings for her. If anything, it makes them stronger. It also makes the work I’m doing on myself so much more important. So much more necessary.
When we finish, Danika grabs the plates and takes them to the sink to rinse before putting in the dishwasher. I start to help but she swats at my hands to keep them away from the plates.
“You know the drill. You cook, I clean.”
I love having a domestic routine with her. Geez, these back and forth feelings are giving me whiplash.
As Danika does the dishes, I sit at the counter, watching her.
“Like what you see?” She teases.
“What if I do?”
Danika flips off the water and turns around, leaning back against the sink.
“Should we talk…about this?”
Yes. No. Fuck.
She knows that was my intention with this dinner. To sit her ass down and talk to her about whatever the hell is it we’re doing and how to make it more of a permanent situation. I don’t want to be her friend with benefits. I want to be her boyfriend. I want to be her everything. One day.
But I can’t be that until I’m sure that I’m fully ready. Physically I am. But emotionally? I just want to be one hundred percent sure there’s nothing that can cause her to doubt me.
Until I am, we need to keep it going the way we were going. Fake dating hook up buddies who aren’t in love with each other. Good fucking luck with that.
Game face on.
I saunter over toward her, swag on full display. As much as I want to have a deep, emotional conversation with her, I think it’s best for us both if I deter that. So instead, I do what I do best. I seduce her.
“We don’t have to talk.” I wrap my arm around her waist, pulling her fully against me.
“We don’t?” She asks, tentatively. She leans into me, clearly wanting to give in but something is holding her back.
I kiss her neck once. “Nah.” I kiss her neck again on the other side. “I have a much better idea of what we can do with our mouths.”
Before she can respond, I capture her lips and kiss her like we didn’t just eat a huge meal and dessert. She falls into me and lets me take control, something she doesn’t usually do but it seems like she realizes that I need this. I’m distracting us from the real conversation and she’s letting me.
Danika wraps her arms around my neck and I scoop her up, resting her bottom on the edge of the sink. This, we can do. This, we’ve done now dozens of times. This isn’t scary. At least not for Danika.
For me? Being this close to her and not being able to call her mine? That scares me more than anything.