Chapter 21 #2
Her mother had been innocent. It was on the tip of her tongue to say so, but she swallowed the words.
They both knew it was the truth but hurting him with it had lost its appeal.
He was sorry for what happened. She knew he was.
She believed that. She didn’t need to hear him say it again. It didn’t change anything.
After a moment, he sighed and then tipped her face up. “Have I scandalized you, angel?”
“No. You tell the best bedtime stories.”
He searched her face. “Most women in the capital run away when they find out who I am.”
“Why? You didn’t do anything wrong. You were a child.”
“I imagine it’s for the same reason you’re out there in Toam. Can’t escape family.”
“You can if you run fast enough.”
He huffed out a short laugh and resettled her against him. Their bodies fit together.
“Are you hungry?”
She wrinkled her nose. “That meat is awful. I don’t know how you can eat it twice in a day.”
“I’ve gone weeks without anything else.”
“That must play havoc with your digestion.”
“You’ve no idea.” His voice warmed, losing some of the tightness it’d had when he’d been telling the story. “It’s always nice to get back to the barracks and regular meals.”
She tried to imagine living in barracks, always surrounded by people, but none of them family. “Do you like it, living in the barracks?”
“Mostly. It’s all I’ve known between the orphanage and the Academy and the guard. I don’t know what I’d do sleeping in a room alone. I’d stare at the ceiling wondering why it was so quiet.”
“You’re a captain. Don’t you get your own room?”
He shook his head. “We’re out on patrol for most of the year. It wouldn’t make sense to leave a room empty so long. There’s not a lot of space in the city, all of it precious.”
Their home wasn’t much better, she supposed. She slept in the same room as her mother, but they managed to respect each other’s privacy. Her mother had her garden to retreat to. She’d always had the woods. She had some time alone in the house every day, to bathe or daydream.
“Are you never alone?”
“Rarely,” he said. “Even the showers are communal.”
She’d heard about showers. They had rooms in the city where heated water poured over you from pipes in the ceiling.
“I’ve never had a shower.”
He tipped his head toward the rain drizzling outside their little shelter. “You can step out there for the experience. The water’s not much warmer than that in the barracks. The heating system always needs repair.”
That sounded less luxurious than she imagined. She tried not to picture a naked Casrian in a roomful of naked men.
“How does…?” God, how to ask this? She swallowed the question, but it bubbled up again anyway. “What happens if you need privacy?”
“What do you mean?” he asked, but she could tell by the way his voice deepened and smoothed that he knew what she was getting at. Was he going to make her ask it?
She came at it from another angle. “Do you have a sweetheart at the capital?”
He was silent a moment, and she realized she’d overstepped by the slight tensing of the muscles beneath her. Her bad manners. She wondered if she ought to apologize. It had been so long since she’d been around people who cared about those kinds of rules.
“I had someone who was special to me. When I was a novice, taking classes at the Academy, there was a woman there who was training to be a healer. I thought she would stay in the city when her training was complete, that we might marry someday. She was from a merchant House, wealthy enough not to care about any scandal I might carry. But she received an apprenticeship in Taran to the south. It wasn’t anywhere near my patrol.
She took it, and I haven’t seen her since.
” He paused and cleared his throat. “There was a woman I was more recently involved with, a widow who remarried last year and ended the relationship. We’re only home for a month or two out of every year.
It makes long-term relationships difficult.
” He shifted slightly beneath her. “How about you?”
She thought about making someone up, just as a shield, but he’d been honest with her and she figured she owed him the same. “There aren’t a lot of men my age in Toam and the ones who are…”
“Aren’t the best the kingdom has to offer?”
“No.” She didn’t appreciate the trace of scorn in his voice whenever he talked about Toam.
It wasn’t that bad. He hadn’t really answered her question about privacy, but she didn’t have the heart to prod.
She supposed if he was fucking some widow, they must have done it in her bed or in an inn somewhere. She should stop thinking about it.
He didn’t sound bitter about either woman leaving him, only resigned. Like it was what he expected out of his relationships, that they were temporary things, easily ended. Like he expected people to leave. Like his parents.
He didn’t leave people behind though. Not Casrian. That was the whole reason they were out here.
“What about now?” she asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You said your last relationship ended a year ago.”
“I’ve been on patrol since.”
“I’m sure you meet plenty of women while you’re on patrol who are willing to offer you a warm bed.”
She probably wouldn’t have said it any other time. But it was just the two of them now, alone in the dark in the Black Woods, and she was curious.
“Are you offering me something, Rowan?” There was a teasing lilt to his voice that turned her insides warm and liquid.
“I’m just curious,” she said.
He gave a low laugh. “I shouldn’t be talking about this with you.”
“You can break the rules with me, Casrian. I won’t tell anyone.”
His breath hitched but then evened out. They fell silent for a time.
The storm was moving off. She could see occasional flashes of light in the distant clouds, turning them purple, but the thunder sounded more distant. The fog wasn’t as dense here either. Hopefully, the rain would end soon and they could have a fire.
“Why did you have that charm?” he asked.