14. Zoe
Zoe
As much as I know that I need to be doing research for my anthropology course and running through practice problems for calculus, I’ve got my nose in Fate of the Fire.
I can’t shake the feeling that there is something in here I need to know. Something important. Will I know it when I see it?
I woke up with the sun this morning and have been holed up in the library since. I know I'll have to grab something to eat at some point, but I want to avoid that for as long as I can. After Ray kissed me last night, I don’t want to risk running into Viv.
What do I tell her? That after berating me publicly, her brother hid in the woods, then grabbed me and kissed my brains out?
He was drunk. There is no point in straining their relationship over a single drunken kiss. After planting the idea in Viv's head that I'm using her to get to him, that could make her think that's the truth, when it's anything but.
Besides, he probably doesn’t even remember it.
But I'll never forget; that's for sure.
I have never felt that way from a kiss. I’m twenty-three years old, and I feel like it was my first. I'm like a giddy schoolgirl, unable to stop thinking about it.
My fingers drift to my lips, remembering how bruised and puffy they were afterward.
I liked it a little too much, rubbing my fingers over them last night as I lay in bed, feeling the physical reminder of the way his mouth moved against mine.
I am not doing myself any favors here.
I sit on my hands to keep myself from caressing my mouth again, and refocus on the passage I’ve read four times already this morning. It claims that some believe Ilota never existed because there is no record of her ever bestowing a Blessing upon anyone.
But if she wasn’t real, why do we have records of her at all? Why do we touch her stone? She must have Blessed someone at some point.
The most devout among us believe the Gods walk among us, unwilling to show themselves. The reasons why vary from us not being worthy to the Gods being so beautiful that we’d be blinded if we ever laid eyes on them.
I don't agree. I think the Gods are more likely to have chosen to pull away from us. There is no denying the Gods exist. We see proof of their Blessings every time an Alpha or Omega shifts. I can't imagine it would be easy to live alongside your creations every day.
The question keeping me up at night is why would anyone think she's real if they think she has never Blessed anyone? I find it hard to believe that she could be a manmade Goddess, invented by others to impart some lesson upon us, or find other ways to control us.
Maybe she is only a whisper in the back of someone's mind, swearing them to secrecy.
The more I read, the more confused I get.
I may not have paid much attention in my classes, but I know we were never taught about theories claiming she didn't exist. Everything we were told about the Gods was said with certainty: who they were, what their domain was, and which beasts they Blessed Alphas and Omegas with.
They didn’t teach any beasts for the Fire Blessing, but it was framed as a failure in our society's recordkeeping, not something that never happened.
The next page in Fate of the Fire claims that we have not earned Ilota's Blessing. Why would she Bless us when we do not respect her?
We do not let her power run free like we do the others. When a fire breaks out, we rush to put it out, sometimes with the assistance of Aenella's Alphas.
We bring her fires into our homes for warmth, and then smother them without a word of thanks to her.
Did she stop Blessing us because we weren’t worthy, or because we smothered her, rendering her powerless?
Other theories are expanded on throughout the chapter, only to leave me more confused about everything. I wish there were a way to know with certainty what happened to her.
I flip to the index of the old book, not sure what I’m looking for, but stopping when I see a reference for her stone, the garnet. There are several pages listed, so I choose one at random and flip open the book.
The page tells the story of a volcanic eruption attributed to Ilota. The author says it's a fable, a cautionary tale taught to children about what can happen when the Gods are angry. It describes that eruption as a “tantrum from a jilted God” as punishment to a town for not worshipping her enough.
The words seem to jump off the page at me.
When the ash cleared, and the people of Fetoria emerged from their homes to tend to their wounded and count their dead, a path of red garnets ran from the volcano through their town, leading to the door of a widow who was with child.
No ash had fallen on her roof, and no smoke had entered her home.
The woman was devout, praying to Ilota daily, worshipping her, and trusting that the Goddess would deliver her the healthy child she longed for.
Her prayers were answered, and she gave birth to a baby girl who took her first steps on that path of garnets. Whispers followed the girl everywhere, calling her Blessed, the Daughter of Garnet, claiming she had Ilota’s favor, for nothing hurt the healthy child of the pious woman.
Years later, the woman was attacked, torn apart by a beast wearing the face of a man.
The wounds were fatal, and her daughter sat at her bedside and prayed to Ilota to give her more time, to let her love her mother longer.
This was not a prayer Ilota answered, but the Goddess still ached for the loss of her most faithful.
When the mother's body lay cold, her daughter wrapped her in silks and carried her down the path of garnets to her final resting place, never to return to Fetoria again.
Ilota, in a fit of rage, ripped the garnets from the ground.
The path had been her Blessing, a boon unto the woman who worshipped Ilota more than any other.
With the woman gone to senseless violence, Ilota believed that there was none worthy of her Blessing and swore that until the Daughter of Garnet walked the path again, she would withhold it.
My heart is beating out of my chest, and my hand is squeezing my pendant so tightly it’s starting to ache.
Remember whose daughter you are.
I wasn't sure of what my mother meant when she gave me the pendant and whispered those words in my ear. I've heard stories of the adversity the women in our family have faced over time, so I assumed it was a reference to the strength that lives in the women in the Ansell line.
But this story. This tale, written off as fiction about a Goddess that some people don’t even believe existed, resonates with my soul.
I can feel it, as sure as if I ate the words, spinning in my stomach.
Remember whose daughter you are.
Until the Daughter of Garnet walked the path again…
I’ve been telling myself for weeks now that the feeling when I touched the garnet was all in my head. That the voice I heard weeks ago was my imagination taking my fears and running away with them.
And yet, I have to tell myself that repeatedly. If I believed it, wouldn’t I have accepted that explanation as fact and moved on rather than ruminating on it?
Remember whose daughter you are.
Whose daughter am I? All Ansell women have had one daughter, who is always born before any sons. They also retain their surnames, refusing to adopt their husbands’ so that their daughters can carry the family name.
Remember whose daughter you are.
I thought it was a proud tradition, only a proud tradition, but after reading this story, one that was never taught in school, I wonder if there is more to those stories than what I was told.
Remember whose daughter you are.
What if the daughter I am is one of Garnet?