Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
M y body jerks to a halt and I stare after him in complete shock. How did this happen? What gave me away? Have I been putting on this charade, and he knew who I was from the moment I bumped into him?
“How did you know?” I say, trying my best to keep the panic out of my voice.
He stops and turns back to me, realizing that I am no longer alongside him.
“It wasn’t that difficult. If you were trying to hide it, you did a terrible job.”
Fuck.
I need to do damage control. I hadn’t expected anyone to figure me out at all, let alone this quickly. Would it be better to just come clean, or to ask for his silence? I straighten my shoulders and lift my chin, trying to let my years of lessons take over and hide the fear coursing through my body.
“I ask that you keep this between us.” My gaze meets his and I hold it, unblinking. I need him to know that I’m serious. My identity cannot get out, and news of this can’t get back to my father. I’m not sure how he figured me out, but that doesn’t matter now. He knows, and he needs to keep quiet.
“Why would I keep it between us?” He takes a few steps toward me, slowly closing the gap, his movements reminding me of the castle cats hunting their prey. “I think it is something you would want people to know.”
“I don’t,” I say, my words harsh even to my own ears. He is inches away from me now, so close that my heaving chest can almost touch him. He towers over me, and I have to crane my neck to maintain our eye contact to show him I am serious.
“I think it is information that the people back at the castle would find valuable, don’t you think?” There’s a gleam in his eye that sets off unease in my stomach.
“That can’t happen,” I grind out. I am ready to bribe him if need be. Is a bribe what he was looking for the entire time? Was he being kind to lure me in, and then turning on me for his own profit? I open my mouth, ready to ask him what he wants when his face softens.
He dips his head down, bringing his face closer to mine, and his voice drops into a soft murmur. “Why wouldn’t you want anyone at the castle knowing what an amazingly dedicated and hard worker they have?”
I snap my mouth shut.
Oh. Oh.
“Excuse me?” I need him to keep talking, to give me an explanation.
He gestures at my staff clothing with his free hand. “You’re here after a full day’s work at the castle, clearly doing some research in the healing section.” He lifts the stack of books he is carrying for me, and his tone changes to almost playful. “Now, I’ve never worked at the castle, but I can assume your job doesn’t start late in the day. I would think the kingdom would be happy to know what kind of person they have working for them. You’re clearly someone who is trying to better themselves and move up in the ranks. ”
The panic in me starts to subside. I was wrong. He doesn’t know who I am. I’m flooded with relief, but still need to back my way out of this. I know I came off defensive, and I don’t want him to pick up on it and start questioning who I actually am.
I cross my arms over my chest and try my best to give him a coy smile. “I beg your pardon, sir , but if I didn’t know better, I would think you were studying me more than your books.”
“Maybe a little,” he says with a smirk.
I look away to distract myself from the discomfort his words give me, but feel a flutter of thrill deep inside my stomach. Is this what flirting feels like? Is Dane flirting with me?
If he only knew who he was flirting with.
I glance around the library and realize we’re alone, the only ones left in the large room except for a woman, I assume, is Agnes, standing at the front desk.
“I think we should probably go. We’re the only ones here.”
He glances around, taking in the same empty room. “I guess I got distracted. Let’s go before Agnes gets upset with us.”
At the desk, Dane sets the stack of books down and gives Agnes our names to hold them under. Once they are tucked away, she bids us a good night and we turn toward the front door. I pull my hood up over my head, although not as low over my face as it was when I first left the castle.
At the top of the steps, I stop and take in the city’s calm. There’s no sign of guards frantically searching for me. Brynne isn’t wandering the streets, kicking in doors. Music and laughter echo through the mist covered streets, likely from the taverns and businesses still open this late. The liveliness brings a small smile to my face.
I want to see it. I want to see more of it than just the library and the fronts of the buildings in passing as I walk through the streets. I want to experience the people, the culture of our city and kingdom, not just read about it or hear stories from Edmond .
Maybe one day.
Dane stops alongside me. “It is late and dark already. I will escort you back to the castle.”
“Thank you, but I will be alright.”
“There’s no way I am letting a beautiful girl walk home alone this late at night. Besides, I wasn’t asking permission.” He extends his arm toward me, waiting for me to take it.
I start at his words. I know objectively my looks are appealing, but beautiful? No one has ever muttered that word describing me except for Tila, and I always thought she used it to refer to her work and contributions toward my looks. Beauty was never important, only the skills required to be a successful queen. I wasn’t sure the princes and nobles from other kingdoms coming to my birthday ball would even care about beauty when trying to seek an alliance and betrothal.
I don’t know how to respond, so I blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind. “I’ll be fine, really. I’m sure your wife will be worried if you get back too late.”
He chuckles softly as he shakes his head. “No, she won’t worry.”
My head snaps to look at him. He actually has a wife?
What an asshole. Flirting with me all evening, while he has a family waiting for him at home.
He drops the arm that he’s had extended and turns to face me. His eyebrow quirked and a small smile hints at his lips. “There would have to be a wife in order for her to worry. My sister might, though.”
Sister. Not wife.
So, he’s not an asshole. The amount of relief I feel at that revelation is…distracting. And I am not one to get distracted. I can debate war tactics with Edmond, recite poetry and quote literature. I can fight. But Dane distracts me. His beautiful eyes and sharp jaw should not be my focus at all. I need to focus on getting back to the castle unseen.
“Let’s just go.” I start down the stairs and hear a small chuckle followed by footsteps behind me .
I wrap my cloak tighter around me, the chill and moisture in the air so different from what I am used to in the castle. Dane catches up to me in a few strides, but I don’t slow down.
The Blackwood trees tower over the structures, casting darkness and shadows everywhere. Fog seeps through the trees, billowing over the tops of the buildings. The only light that breaks through glows around the lanterns and the torches lit, marking the doors to the establishment.
It feels eerie, being out here this late. I know the city streets, but walking down them in the dark feels different. I suddenly am aware of how vulnerable I am, and a shudder works through my body.
“Too cold outside of the castle?” Dane says.
“That, among other things.” Despite thinking he was an asshole looking to cheat on his wife a few minutes ago, I’m suddenly grateful that Dane is here.
Making a friend wasn’t my goal for the evening, but maybe it wouldn’t harm me to have one. I’ve wanted friends outside the castle walls my entire life, and Dane seems like he is interested in being friends with me, too. It would definitely make me feel more comfortable having someone to walk home with at night.
“I tend to run warm.” He extends his arm toward me again and eyes me expectantly.
My gaze trails over his arm, remembering the lines of muscle that were visible through his shirt, now hidden by his thick cloak.
I wrap my arm around his, remembering my royal manners and keeping our arms linked exactly how I had been taught as a young girl. Despite the formal posture and extreme focus, every inch of my arm in contact with Dane is tingling with energy. I feel his warmth even through layers of fabric. No one inside the castle has ever touched me as easily as he does.
We continue walking, silence heavy between us, neither of us acknowledging our closeness or the last bits of our conversation.
Is this what it feels like to be normal? To be a woman escorted home by a man, where any physical contact didn’t spur talks of alliances and betrothals? To just be free to do what I want, when I want?
“I haven’t seen you around before,” he says, finally breaking the silence. “Are you from Blackwood or from another kingdom?”
I need to keep this conversation general and stick to truths where I can. Too many lies might make him suspicious, especially if I get caught up in them.
“I’ve lived here my whole life, but I don’t get out much.”
“What made you come out tonight?”
I think back to the lie I told the librarian. I don’t know how well Dane knows her, so I need to stay consistent. “I want to become a healer, so I’ve been working to build my knowledge. I’ve read mostly everything in the castle over my years working there, so I decided to see if there was anything more before I pursue it.”
“Sounds like you’ll make a great healer if you are willing to seek out more knowledge like that. A lot of them seem to be very stuck in their ways, at least the ones that I’ve interacted with.”
“Thank you,” I murmur. I don’t disagree with him. After overhearing the conversation with the castle healer and my father, I couldn’t help but feel that they weren’t seeking out any new information. They gave up and told him it was time to let go.
I don’t want to accept that, not after the gift Edmond gave me.
I try to turn the conversation away from me. “What about you? What brings you to the library?”
“I’m doing some healing research as well.” I see him sneak a glance at me out of the corner of my eye, but keep my eyes trained on the road before us. “There aren’t normally many people in that section of the library, so I wasn’t expecting you to come around the corner. I apologize again for bumping into you. You seemed startled.”
“I was startled,” I chuckle, glancing over at him. “Look at you. You basically plowed me over.”
His head falls back with a loud laugh, the sound infectious and bringing a smile to my face. “At least neither you nor the books were damaged in the process.”
“We were not. Luckily for you.” I smirk up at him and make eye contact briefly but turn away. What felt like a long walk to the library is flying by on the way home, probably from the distraction of his arm still wrapped in mine. I can already see the stone of the castle walls just ahead, and the guards in front of the gate I came through earlier.
I break my hold and pull away from Dane’s arm, reaching up to pull the hood down farther over my face. I don’t want to risk getting too close and having someone recognize me.
“Thank you for walking me home. I very much appreciate it,” I say. “I don’t want to keep you too long from your sister.”
“Yes, I should be getting back to her. I hope to see you again Addy.” He grins at me, and I feel something in my chest clench.
He wants to see me again. How has this night turned from the most intense and nerve-wracking to the most exciting night of my life?
“I will try to come in the evenings after work, but it depends. Hopefully I will see you again too.” I give him a small curtsey and turn toward the castle, walking quickly with my head down so I don’t catch anyone’s eye.
“Evening miss. Glad to see you had someone escort you back,” the guard says as he unlatches the lock on the gate.
“Yes, it was very kind of him,” I reply.
“Have a good night, miss,” he says with a nod. I curtsey before heading straight for the kitchen. The castle is quiet now, and I weave through the stairs and halls without running into another person before finally making it back to my rooms.
This almost feels too easy. Has leaving been this easy the entire time? Have I been so groomed to listen to what I was told and never try to do anything for myself that I sat locked in this castle when it was so easy to leave? Had all this suffering and isolation not actually been at the hands of my father, but my doing, because I was not strong enough to stand up and do something for myself ?
That will not be me any longer. I am going to do what I want now. No one had noticed I was gone, so there would be no one to stop me. I will go out again, and I will find what I’m looking for.
Who knows, maybe I’ll even find who I’ve been looking for, too.