Chapter 16
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I push the door closed behind me once I reach my chambers, but I don’t hear it slam.
“Lennox.” I knew Brynne was tailing me throughout the castle after I stormed off from the ceremony, but I had hoped she would give me at least a minute alone to collect myself.
“What Brynne?” I growl back at her. I rip the dagger from the loop holster, slicing right through it before I slam the blade onto the sitting table. Tila won’t be happy that I sliced through her masterpiece, but at least it was only that and I didn’t cut myself out of the bodice. Yet.
I reach behind me and start unknotting the ties, pulling and loosening the ribbons of the corset. My breaths are heaving, not only from my run through the castle, but from holding everything in through that piss poor excuse of a coming-of-age ceremony. I feel the bodice fall and rip it off as quickly as possible. I throw the dress on the chaise and walk over to my wardrobe, crouching down to dig out the new clothes I had stolen from the laundry and stowed in the back of the wardrobe .
“You must know that the king only wants to ensure that you are protected,” Brynne says as she approaches me, her voice almost pleading.
I whirl on her, my feet snagging on the long silk slip I wore under the dress and causing me to stumble.
“You knew? You knew this whole thing was going to be a complete embarrassment? A farce? That he invited no one?”
Her gaze drops to her feet, and that is all the confirmation I need.
My rage echoes through the room as I yell at Brynne for the first time since she walked into the castle. “You let me go in there like that? Completely unprepared? Some fucking friend you are.” I stomp over to the changing screen and start pulling on the new clothes. The pants and tunic are different than the normal servant uniform, but I don’t care. I’m comfortable, like any old day in the sparring rings. I feel like me.
I want to feel like me tonight.
“If it matters, I didn’t know until today. The king didn’t make the final decision not to let anyone in until just before the ceremony.”
I stick my head around the edge of the screen to look at her, trying to see if she is telling the truth or just trying to settle my anger.
“Other kingdoms were actually invited?”
“Yes, but they were not allowed through the gates at the last minute. It has been a bit of a situation, trying to settle down the tempers. You can imagine that there are some that feel lied to and tricked.”
I huff and disappear behind the screen again. I don’t give a shit if my father has to deal with some upset rulers. He did this to himself. Besides, they aren’t the only ones feeling lied to and tricked.
“I know you’re angry, but your safety is the priority.”
“Safety from what?” I yell as I come out from behind the screen, tucking the oversized shirt into my pants. “The only time I’ve spoken to anyone outside of this castle was a few weeks ago, and none of them have any idea who I really am! What secret threat is my father scared of? Why is he depriving me of everything that every other king and queen of this kingdom has had? What is he so afraid of? ”
“Where are you going?” She ignores my questions and eyes my outfit, puzzled.
“Out.” I stomp over to the wardrobe and grab a pair of worn in boots. I drop to the floor in the most un-princess like manner I can muster, and start pulling them on, ignoring Brynne.
“You’re not going anywhere.”
“I am,” I say firmly. I stand and pull a dark cloak from the rack and drape it over my shoulders.
“You are not,” she grinds out, stomping toward me.
“I am. I can’t be here right now, Brynne. I need to do something . I can’t sit within these walls, being the perfect little obedient princess that he’s still trying to force me to be.”
“Not tonight, of all nights. It is far too dangerous, with too many unknowns in the city.”
“And whose fault is that? If everything would have gone as it should have, I would have been under constant supervision. But I don’t care. I’m going.”
“No.” She moves in front of the door, blocking my only exit.
I stare her down and drop my voice. I never want to speak to anyone like this, especially her. I hate pulling rank. She is my guard, yes, but she is also my friend, and a piece of my heart breaks knowing that I have to do this.
“As your future queen, I command you to stand guard of my rooms and inform anyone who comes looking for me I am not taking visitors.”
A flicker of hurt flashes in her eyes. Her loyalty is to the crown, and after the past hour, I am now the crown. Any threats she made before to tell my father on the guise of me being in danger are now over. Sure, she could still tell him, but her duty wouldn’t let her. I know she is trying to protect me, but it is her job to follow orders, my orders. She can’t say no.
She nods, her jaw clenching before gritting out, “Yes, princess.”
I turn to the mirror and pull up my hood. I don’t bother darkening or braiding my hair, instead just shove it far back into the hood so it is hidden. My face is still covered in Tila’s makeup, but I don’t care. I’m not going to waste time taking it off. It is getting late, and the library will be closing soon, so I need to hurry.
“Will you at least tell me what you have been doing? What is so important that you’re putting yourself at risk? If something happens, I need to know where to find you.”
I weigh the consequences of telling her. If there is anyone in this castle I don’t feel will judge me, it is Edmond, but I still hadn’t told him. Brynne is a close second. I don’t want her to pity me, or to think what I am doing is in vain. But I also don’t want her to stop me.
I understand her need to ensure my safety, and I don’t want anything to happen to her if I am successful and she has to explain. I need someone on my side.
I need to tell her.
“I’ve been trying to find a cure for my mother.” The look of shock on her face startles me. She rarely lets her emotions show, but surprise cracks through. I keep going before she can interrupt me and take away the courage I had to muster.
“I read through everything in our library, so I tried looking in the city. I looked for weeks through anything that could help. Books, notes, case studies from healers. There was nothing. But Edmond…gave me something.”
I hold back from telling her about the diary. It feels too personal to share with anyone. It is mine, the one connection I have to her, and my motivation for doing all of this. While I’m sure Edmond knows the contents, no one else needs to. I can hold that close to my heart.
“It made me see that I have wasted enough time ignoring what happened. I overheard the healer telling Father it was time to let her go, and now I can’t fathom giving up on her.
“The problem is, I haven’t found anything, and I have no idea when my father is going to decide he has held on for long enough. I had another idea, but it was something I never thought I would try. After tonight, though? After my father so clearly showed he doesn’t care about what is best for me, I want my mother back. I need to do whatever I can to get her back, and maybe all of this,” I gesture to the castle around me, “would change. Maybe I’d actually have a normal life, as normal as it can be for the future queen.”
“So, what are you going to do?” she asks.
I pause, mentally pleading with her not to laugh at what I am about to say.
“I’m going to find Dawnlin.”
I wait for the shock to show through like it did before, but it doesn’t come. She stays collected, but she is clearly processing the information.
“Have you figured out how?”
“I’m working on it.” I try not to sound too defeated. “I only just decided to start looking for it. I, uh, I made a friend…he seems to know a little more than I do. I was hoping to talk to him and keep researching.”
She nods, and I wait in silence as she mulls over my words. “What am I to do, your highness? Stand here and pretend to guard your door and never know if you’re going to actually be back?”
“Yes,” I breathe.
“How am I supposed to know if you’re harmed or just successful? What am I supposed to do when, I don’t know, no one can find you?”
I haven’t planned that far yet. I don’t feel close to finding Dawnlin at all, so we have time to work out a plan.
“I don’t know yet. We can figure that out. I’m sure Edmond would help you.” The more I thought about it over the last few weeks, the more I felt Edmond had a motive in telling me his story. He’d told me stories for years, but never had brought up Dawnlin before. Why this one? Why now?
I want to ask him and see if he’d be honest with me or continue to hide his motives. I need more information, but part of me is scared to bring it up. What if I, like everyone I judged before, had simply latched on to hope that the story gave me and read more into it than there was ?
I am not going to focus on that right now.
What I need to focus on is getting out of this castle and trying to find Dane. If I can’t, maybe I can convince Agnes to let me into the library after hours.
“I’m not happy about this, Lennox,” Brynne says tensely. I can see the anger on her face as she tries to accept that there is nothing she can do about my order.
“I know. I’m sorry. But I’m not staying here any longer.” I move toward the door, and she slides in front of me again, blocking my path.
“Brynne—”
“Since you’re forcing me to stay here and not letting me protect you, you have to keep your promise.” She points to the table where I had thrown my dagger. “You promised that next time you’d be armed.”
“Right.” I turn back to the table and grab the dagger. It isn’t exactly inconspicuous, so I need to conceal it, but I had nothing to protect it. I wasn’t going to stay at the ceremony a moment longer to ask.
“Here.” Brynne reaches her hand out to me, holding a sheath for the blade. “I was holding onto it for you. It should fit. You’ll be able to keep the blade in your waistband like we’d practiced.”
I give her a small, sorry smile. “Thanks Brynne.” Even when I force her not to, she still does what she can to protect me.
She fixes the stoic face of a guard back on and steps away from the door. “You’re lucky it’s your birthday,” she murmurs as I walk past her and place my hand on the handle.
I chuckle as I open it. “You can yell at me later. I’ll be back soon.”
“Be careful, Lennox. There are a lot of people out in the city tonight.”
“I will,” I say, tapping the hidden dagger at the back of my waistband. “I promise.”
She assumes her guard stance in front of my closed chambers, and I make my way down the hall. A crack of light from my mother’s room spills across the floor, and I slow myself as I approach her door. I step lightly in the boots, trying not to make a sound in case someone is close to the door. I strain to hear any sound as I inch closer, but a deep murmur makes my spine straighten.
The only person who talks in her room is my father.
I creep closer, staying flush against the wall to stay hidden. I want to hear what he is saying, tonight of all nights.
It is definitely my father. The low boom and timbre of his voice is unmistakable to my ears, especially when my body goes on high alert every time I hear it.
I listen harder, trying to pick out any words, but he is mumbling too much. He pauses, and I hold my breath, hoping he will not leave the room and catch me listening in.
“Lyla…she’s not ready.”
The words ring out clearly, and my blood turns cold.
Not ready? Is that what tonight was about? The fury that had been mildly tamed after my conversation with Brynne returns almost instantly and my blood that was cold only a moment ago begins to boil.
Not ready?
Of course I’m not ready. He has ensured that. Beyond my lessons with Edmond and Brynne, nothing has been done to ensure I will be a successful queen. This is his failure, and he’s confessing to my mother, tonight of all nights, that it is my problem?
Is this the reason for the last minute change, revoking the invites he sent out and risking our relationships with all the other rulers? He decided at the last minute he didn’t want to parade his inadequate daughter off in front of everyone who would clearly see me as a lesser royal.
What have I done to make me such an embarrassment?
Why doesn’t he want me?
I don’t care if he hears me at this point. I rush past the door and run down the steps, heading straight for the kitchens. I look back over my shoulder as I round the corner quickly, to make sure no one is following me when I slam into someone in the hallway.