Chapter 39
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
D ane isn’t at camp when we return.
It is still early, but the suns are starting their descent and the sky is turning pink over the trees. I shower quickly, scrubbing myself raw with all the scented soaps and oils, trying to wash away the lagoon water and guilt from my body. My skin is bright pink once I decide I’ve abused it enough.
I dress and braid my hair, one long plait down the back of my head, my skills in caring for my hair having drastically improved since being here. The suns have lightened it with brighter bits peeking through the deep, golden waves. The glow from my skin is also new. I didn’t know it was possible, never having been out in the light before.
I like it.
The thought of losing this reminder of my time in the warm sunshine once I return to my cold, dark throne upsets me.
I push it away and head to the tavern for dinner, sliding onto the bench next to Fin and Roley, who are having a competition to see who can finish their plate the fastest. The torches begin to light around us halfway through our meal. I look around, but there is still no sign of Dane.
Is he in trouble? How would we know if something happened to him and he needed help? Or is he even on the island?
It’s easy to forget that he actually has a purpose here, more than searching for the cure and the Castaways every day.
I bounce my foot on the bench underneath me, trying to hold in my impatience. I need to do something to expend this energy.
“Wanna go shoot?” I say, looking over at Fin.
“Yeah! Let’s go!”
I clear the table and drop my barely picked at dinner and Roley and Fin’s empty plates into the tree on our way out. “I need to grab a bow. Meet you down there.”
Fin is still using my bow and I’ve been waiting for the armory to give me a new one. I make my way over and pull the doors open. Sure enough, there is one hanging on a rack, as if the island knew I was coming.
Roley has joined us, and it makes me happy to see that Fin has made a friend. He is older than Fin by a few years, but still a child and total goofball. I don’t have it in me to ask how long Roley has been here, but I can imagine that it has been quite some time, and he may not have any family left to return to.
Some of the older Voyagers have made their way down to the practice grounds and are throwing axes or spears into the wall of targets. The regular thunks are familiar and soothe my nerves, giving me something to focus on other than waiting for Dane.
After a few rounds of my own, I turn to focus on Fin and Roley. Fin has taken to the bow quickly and is getting much stronger, but I still make sure the pressure on the bowstring is low enough for him.
“Make sure your fingers are right by your mouth. There you go. Now breathe in and out.”
He follows my directions and lets the arrow fly, striking the target on the second ring .
“Yeah!” He yells jumping up and down, giving Roley a high five.
“You did great. Now do it again!”
I sound like Brynne.
I watch him and Roley shoot the next few rounds, offering pointers and encouragement when needed, and even jumping in to show him myself.
The sky is dark and everyone has started winding down for the evening, but Dane still isn’t back. Someone starts a bonfire in the clearing and we head out to join them. I sit in one of the wooden chairs close to the fire facing the portal, and stop myself from looking up at it every minute.
I listen half-heartedly to the scary stories the boys are telling. Fin and Roley are on the edge of their seats, soaking up every word. Gauge brought down a pile of treats and is popping corn over the flames. Smells and laughter waft into the air, the cheerful mood warring with the sinking feeling inside me.
Movement catches my eye past the fire, and I quickly sit upright.
Dane appears through the portal, but he isn’t alone. A young girl follows him, looking scared as she takes in the surroundings.
I push up out of my chair and stride over to him. His face breaks into a grin as I approach.
“Lennox—”
I throw my arms around his neck and press my lips to his, cutting off his words. I don’t know what has come over me. Maybe it’s the guilt, maybe it’s the worry something had happened to him. We agreed to keep this between us, not in front of the other Voyagers, so hopefully he isn’t upset that I broke that agreement.
His hands splay over my sides, fingers flexing into my ribcage to grip me tighter.
Not upset then.
Whistles and whoops sound from the group behind us as Dane pulls away. A slight flush creeps across his cheeks, but he presses another short, chaste kiss to my lips before gesturing to the girl next to him .
“This is Lilly. I’m going to give her the tour and have Mara get her settled.” He bends down, his lips hovering over my ear, his breath tickling my skin and sending shivers down my spine. “I’ll find you after.”
I nod and turn to Lilly to introduce myself. I reach my hand out to shake hers, remembering my manners. “Hi Lilly, my name is Lennox. I’m fairly new here as well.”
She gives a shy wave, her eyes flitting back and forth between Dane and me.
“Come on, Lilly, let me show you around,” Dane says.
They head to the rope ladder and I return to my spot at the fire.
“Ew, gross,” Fin sing-songs as soon as I sit down.
I giggle. “Someday, Fin, you will take that back.”
“Never,” he says.
“That’s right,” Roley chimes in. “We’re gonna be Voyagers forever!” He thrusts his small fist into the air like he is stabbing it with a sword.
Sadness falls over me as I look at Fin.
“Is that true? You don’t want to go back to your family now?”
He shrugs and digs a stick in the grass in front of him. “I don’t know. What if I never find it?”
“We’ll find it. I know we will.” I look him in the eye when I say it, with as much reassurance as I can muster. I realize it’s not only for him but also for myself.
“And if we don’t, VOYAGERS FOREVER!” Roley roars, beating his fists on his chest.
“Aahhhhh!” Fin yells, jumping up and chasing him around. I giggle as they play. It feels amazing being around children like this. Looking around at everyone here makes me feel like I missed out on a huge part of life. I’ll never get that experience back in my childhood, but hopefully one day I would be blessed with children with whoever my father deemed appropriate to sit on the throne beside me.
I choke that thought down as my thoughts return to Dane.
It will never be him .
I clear my throat and focus back on the boys.
“You two need to head up to bed soon.” I stand from the chair and dust off my pants.
“But they’re all staying awake,” Fin whines, gesturing to the older boys who are still laughing and joking around the fire.
“Yeah, Lennox, you aren’t my mom!” Roley sticks his tongue out at me.
“No, I’m not, but I care about you boys. You need to be rested to stay safe searching tomorrow.”
They both groan loudly, throwing themselves on the floor.
“Fine,” Roley whines. “We’ll go in a couple of minutes.”
They jump up and fake a sword fight and I laugh, shaking my head. “I’ll see you two tomorrow.” I stride back over to the training area and pick up my bow again. Now that it is quiet and my mind isn’t running away with thoughts about where Dane could be or if he was safe, I can focus on the target and pass the time.
I go through almost a dozen arrows, hitting the bullseye nearly half of the shots when I feel someone behind me.
“Don’t miss,” Dane rumbles in my ear.
I loose the arrow, striking the center of the target and spin around in his arms.
He regards the arrow impressed, then looks back toward me. “Sorry I took so long,” he says, his voice low and husky. His body curves around mine as he wraps his arms tighter. He walks me backwards, holding me tight as my feet try to keep up with him. I drop the bow to the ground at my side and wrap my arms around his neck.
“It’s alright,” I murmur before reaching up and brushing a kiss across his lips.
In one swift motion, he scoops me up, wraps my legs around his waist, and leaves the training area. His hand cups the back of my head and pulls my face to his. The kiss is heated, and I meet his every move, my lips pressing hungrily against his. The light fades as we get farther away until all I can see are shadows from the glow of the moon .
“I have a feeling you missed me,” he says against my lips, his breaths becoming short and shallow.
“I did,” I breathe as my back hits something solid. My mind flashes to being pinned against a wall today. To when he pinned me to the wall. I push the thought from my head and try to focus on this moment.
We are tucked away in a cove of trees, completely hidden from everyone left in the clearing, but I can still hear soft snippets of conversation.
“I thought something happened to you.” I pant, diving back in for another kiss. “I was worried.”
Dane’s grip tightens around the curve of my backside as he holds me against the tree. His right hand slides down, stroking the backside of my thigh.
No one has ever touched me like this, only him. No one was ever allowed to get close, unless I was training with Brynne looking on.
His lips move across my jaw, tracing a trail that starts down my neck. I throw my head back into the tree, giving him more access. His lips caress a spot at the base of my neck, just above my collarbone. His tongue flicks out and strokes my skin, sending shivers down my spine.
I close my eyes, and instantly a pair of teal eyes flash before mine.
Please.
I squeeze them tighter, willing them away. I can’t think about how he made me feel, the way he made my stomach heat and my knees buckle. The way every inch of my skin that he touched made me burn. Not right now.
Not ever.
I pull Dane’s face back to mine. He opens my mouth with his lips, his tongue slowly sliding against mine. He angles his head and leans over me, hiking my body higher and firmer against his.
I kiss him harder, trying to push everything that happened today out of my mind, but they won’t stop. Flashes of those eyes. His eyelashes. The strong jaw. The perfect lips.
I wish these were his lips .
I break away from Dane’s kiss in shock at the uncontrolled thought that flashed through my mind. What am I thinking?
“Are you alright?” Dane pants, his eyes searching my face.
“Yes,” I lie, trying to break through the intrusive thoughts. I grab his face and bring it back to mine again. He meets my kisses strongly, his tongue working against mine and leaving me breathless.
Dane’s hand trails back up my thigh and to my shirt, pulling it from my waistband. He slides his hand up under it, causing me to gasp into his mouth, which only encourages him. His warm fingertips caress my skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake.
He chuckles into my mouth before he flattens his hand across my stomach, dragging it across to run his fingers up and down the curve in my side. He leans into me more, his hips lining up with mine so I can feel his excitement against my core.
I suck in a breath and groan into his kiss.
I want this.
Right?
Teal eyes flash across my vision again, the memory of his hips pinning me to the wall.
No. No, that was wrong. This is right.
Dane lets go with his other hand, using only the pressure from his hips and the strength of the tree to keep me aloft. His kisses are still strong and sensual, but I can’t get lost in them like I had on the beach. There is too much on my mind.
I try to only feel, to focus on the feel of his hands and breath on my skin.
His other hand slips under the edge of my shirt, both of them now slowly caressing my skin. His fingertips tease me, slowly making their way up. I feel my nipples harden as I wait for his touch. His knuckles brush the underside of my breasts, caressing the lace undergarment.
My breath hitches as his head lowers. He takes my nipple in his mouth, sucking through the fabric. I whimper and arch my back, pushing my chest closer to him, my mind finally clearing .
His fingers shift under my shirt, grasping my breast and bringing it farther into his mouth. All that’s left between his skin and mine is just a little lace and a bit of parchment…
FUCK.
My mind snaps into focus instantly.
The map.
The map is tucked into my undergarments.
Just a little higher, and he will find it. I can’t explain it. I just need to stop it.
“Wait, wait, wait,” I say. I reach down and grasp both of his wrists, pushing his hands down to rest on my stomach, where it was safe. “Stop, Dane, please. I need to stop.”
He releases my nipple and lets out a long breath.
“I’m sorry,” I breathe.
“Don’t apologize,” he says, meeting my gaze. He lifts a hand to stroke the side of my face. “I got carried away.”
“It wasn’t just you,” I smirk.
He lets out a breathy chuckle. “No it wasn’t. But I can’t help how much I want you.”
He moves his hands back down to hold me, cupping the curve of my backside. “You make me crazy, Lennox.”
My stomach flutters at his admission. It feels good to make a man feel crazy, to have someone as invested in me as Dane is. It is something I’d only ever read about, something I never thought I would have.
He leans in and places a soft sweet kiss on my lips, then looks me in the eye.
“I want you to stay.” His eye contact breaks on the last word, as if the vulnerability of admitting this is too much for him.
A tear runs down my cheek.
Emotions battle inside me. Sadness, loss, regret, guilt, frustration. So many reasons for that tear.
“I wish I could. ”
He nods and slowly lowers me to the ground. I steady myself on his shoulders before he wraps me in a tight hug.
“I know what it would mean if you stayed,” he says into my hair. “It would mean you never found what you came here for, and that is the last thing I want to happen.”
I nod and take a deep inhale. His scent overwhelms me as I feel another tear drop onto my cheek.
We turn to make our way back to the bunks, and I try to break the tension after what just happened between us.
“Is everything alright with Lilly?” I ask.
“Yeah, she’s a sweet kid. She seems nervous. I hope Mara didn’t scare her too badly.”
I laugh. “She definitely didn’t welcome me sweetly, but now that she isn’t fighting for your attention, I think she’s lightened up. Hopefully, Lilly isn’t too intimidated.”
“I think she’ll be fine. We’ll pair her with some easy-goers in the beginning.”
We climb the ladder and head toward my bunk, but before we get far, Dane stops me.
“I need to tell you something,” he says, his voice low as he looks around to make sure no one is near.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
We stopped in the middle of the walkway, between the light of the torches so we are hidden in shadows just enough. He reaches down to the sack that never leaves his side and lifts it, opening it between us. The glow of the dust lights my face, the same way it did back in Blackwood when Dane and I stood by the fountain, and he offered me a chance at the solution I’d been looking for.
Dane had brought two people back to the island after me, Fin and now Lilly, and the already very empty pouch looks even more so.
“The dust is running out. I don’t know how many more trips I have left. ”
“What do you mean it’s running out? Can’t you just get more?”
“That’s the thing,” he says urgently. “This has never happened before. I’ve never had to refill it. When I took over as Guardian, this pouch was full, almost to the brim. The last Guardian didn’t leave me with the knowledge of how to get more.”
Of course he didn’t, because Weston killed the last Guardian.
I wonder how much knowledge about the island was lost because of that act. Did the Guardian actually know where the cure was, but now no one does?
I stay silent, trying to process what he is telling me.
His voice drops even lower. “I’m worried that there may be a day where I go but can’t come back.”
“No,” I say furiously. “There has to be a way. Maybe the island just refills it once it gets down? This place is magic. What is stopping it from replenishing on its own?”
“Do we want to take that chance?”
I release a frustrated sigh. “No, of course not.”
It is impossible that the island would just cease helping people from the kingdoms because the dust had run out. That would mean that no one else could ever visit Dawnlin and everyone already here would be…
“Trapped,” I breathe, my eyes glazing over and unable to focus.
“What?” Dane asks. He places a finger under my chin and lifts slightly so I am looking into his face.
I clear my throat and try again. “If there is no more dust, all of us here, we’ll be trapped. It won’t matter if we find the cure or not. There will be no way to get home without it.”
“That would put an end to Dawnlin. We can’t let that happen.”
I gaze into the pouch at the small amount of dust at the bottom. “How much do you think is left? How many trips will that get you?”
“There and back, maybe three? Or four? It’s just an estimate. I can’t be exact. It takes more dust if there are more people.”
I nod. “Okay, then we need to keep searching for the cure, but also try to find out if there is any information on how to replenish it. Maybe the previous Guardian kept notes or journals? Have you found anything like that?”
He shakes his head. “I haven’t looked, but we could try.”
“We have to try. We can’t strand everyone here. It was a choice before, choosing to stay, but if we run out, then that choice is taken from everyone.”
He cracks a smirk. “Just like old times, trying to find answers hidden away in old books.” I roll my eyes, not wanting to recall his deception early in our relationship.
Now I’m the one being deceptive.
He pulls the strings, closing the pouch. The glow disappears, and he hooks it back to his belt. “We need to keep this between us. I don’t want to spread panic among the Voyagers.”
“Absolutely,” I reassure him. I don’t want to deal with the potential fallout of everyone being trapped on the island, either. I don’t even want to think about it myself.
“Good.”
Despite our plan, I know I am going to be worried all night, reeling with the thought of being here forever.
As if enough hadn’t already happened today.
Dane gives me a sweet but heated goodnight kiss before heading back to his side. I don’t see Lilly on the climb up to my bunk and assume she took one farther down. I sit down on my bed and reach in my shirt to pull out the map. This small thing could have made tonight end much differently. I toss it onto the shelf and lay on my side.
Today was a nightmare. I hadn’t even told Dane everything that had happened. I doubt Storm would keep it from him, but that was the least of my worries. My mind is elsewhere.
Had I been trying to force things with Dane tonight, doing anything to erase the guilt? Did the touch of the man in the cave really affect me that much ?
I huff angrily and roll onto my back, staring at the stars blinking in the sky.
I don’t want to admit to myself that maybe the map stopping anything from happening tonight was for the best. I care for him, and he for me, but I don’t want to be with him in that way if it is tinged with guilt and other emotions.
That isn’t what I want.
I fall asleep trying to put the thoughts out of my mind, willing my body not to feel the desire that had been coursing through me today, and ignoring the voice in the back of my head that keeps reminding me it wasn’t for Dane.