51. Katya
51
T he first thing I notice when I wake is the light, not the warm flickering of candles or gas lanterns, or that strange bluish light emitted by crystals in the underground.
No. This is daylight. It glows red behind my eyelids, the visual both familiar and foreign. The surrounding air is frigid, but the sun’s warmth kisses my skin, making the cold more tolerable if not chasing it away completely.
My eyes flutter open. I’m in an unfamiliar room—someone’s bedroom by the looks of it—covered in a scratchy blanket, bits of hay from the mattress poking me in the back.
It’s amazing.
I roll my head to the side, and there is Aemon fast asleep, his big body curled up into a faded-blue wingback chair. I sit up and rub the sleep from my eyes. I’m definitely in somebody’s bedroom. The entire room is decorated with a hideous wallpaper covered in tiny pink and green flowers and some greenish-brownish spots that I’m guessing is mold. A wardrobe sits beside Aemon’s chair and a vanity to the left of the bedroom door, both a golden maple to match the bed. There’s a tall window on the right of the headboard, and I slip from the bed, pausing to test the strength of my legs before I pad across the chilly wood floor to peer outside. The sunshine’s even stronger here, its warmth soaking through the white tunic and pants I’m wearing. I hope whoever changed me saved the dress I was wearing when I arrived, so I can burn it.
The light stings my eyes, and I’m forced to squint. Who knew a few weeks underground could have such a profound effect? I’m in an apartment sitting atop what appears to be a shop and looking out over a small town, intriguing in its normalcy. Simple two and three-story buildings boasting shops and restaurants on the first floors, line a street just large enough to drive two carriages side by side, though all I see down there now is a horse-drawn cart parked across the street.
“Katya.”
I spin around at the sound of Aemon’s voice. He’s sitting up in his chair now, a tiny smile on his face.
I rush across the room and jump into his arms.
He hugs me back, chuckling as he says, “I take it you’re feeling better?”
“Where are we?”
He glances out the window, then back at me. “A little town on the edge of Elterra. It was the closest one to the caves where we came out.”
I search my mind for any recollection of caves or even leaving the arena, but it’s fuzzy, just flashes of bodies moving, people shouting and smoke—lots and lots of smoke. I rub my forehead, as though it might jar something loose, but there’s nothing. I’m struck by a sudden wave of dizziness, and Aemon is out of his chair in a flash, hand to the small of my back as he guides me back to the bed.
“I’m sorry,” I say as he helps me sit.
Aemon sinks to his knees on the floor between my legs, and gazes up at me, eyes squinted. “You have nothing to apologize for.”
“I don’t remember what happened.”
“Well, Jael said—”
My heart leaps. “Jael? She’s here?” I ask, glancing about myself like she could be hiding in this very room. “What about the other girls? Oh, gods.” I throw a hand over my mouth. “Leina. Have you seen Leina? Did she get out? What about the others? I told her to get them out. What if she tried and got caught or killed or—”
“Woah. Slow down.” Aemon pulls my hand from my mouth, clasps it between his and rests them on my lap. There’s something so comforting about his big, warm hands wrapped around mine. I just want to crawl into his arms and never leave. “Jael and the girls are all fine,” he says, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “Leina is fine.”
I let out a choked breath that turns into a relieved laugh. “Yeah?”
A huge grin spreads across his face, setting off little crinkles at the corners of his eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile like that—so open and unrestrained. It’s beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, I’m admiring it instead of listening to him, so it takes me a minute to comprehend what he’s saying. “—freed everyone. Everyone. She had to leave to take the healthier ones to the next town over because they couldn’t handle so many here.”
And that’s when my giggles start. I don’t know if it’s relief or excitement or simple joy bursting out of me, but I start giggling and giggling and the longer I giggle the more perplexed Aemon’s expression gets, which makes me just giggle more and soon he’s laughing along with me and wiping the tears from his eyes.
“Why are we laughing?” he asks me even as his chest convulses with chuckles.
“I have no idea,” I say. I press my lips together, trying to hold it in, but it only lasts maybe three seconds before I burst into laughter all over again. A knock at the bedroom door interrupts our insanity.
“Come in,” Aemon says.
The door creaks open and Jael pokes her head in. “Looks like that hit to the head did more damage than I thought.”
“Jael.” I throw my arms wide, and Jael runs into them, hip bumping Aemon out of the way. He feigns annoyance, then steps back to give us room. Jael squeezes me around the shoulders and swings back and forth playfully. “I’m so happy to see you,” I tell her.
Jael pulls back, hands on my arms, to look at me. “Me? When you didn’t show up, I was terrified they’d caught you.”
“They did.”
“So, I heard. Usually, I’d give you a hard time about going back for a man…” She glances over at Aemon, pretending to give him the evil eye even though she can’t stop smiling. “But this one did carry you all the way here, so he gets a pass. This time.” She turns back to me with a sigh and clasps her hands in front of herself. “Thank you,” she says, suddenly serious.
“Don’t thank me. You got yourself out.”
“Yes, but none of this would have happened if you hadn’t been there. ”
I wave her off. “You give me too much credit. I got lucky. That’s all.”
She cocks a brow. “Twice.”
I don’t know what to say, so I deftly change the subject. “So, what news have you heard?”
Jael rolls her eyes. I guess my ruse wasn’t as stealthy as I’d hoped. She sighs. “Nothing good. King Troi is on a rampage. He’s accused all the great houses of conspiracy to overthrow the crown. Bellatorae soldiers have raided all the doms south of here, searching for dissenters.”
Her words hit me like a sledgehammer. The room starts spinning again. I close my eyes and rest my forehead in my hands.
“Wait, what?” Aemon says. “All of them?”
“As far and I know.”
I lift my head. “Duje?” I ask, though a large part of me doesn’t want to hear the answer.
Jael glances at Aemon, then me, then her hands, where she starts tugging at a scrap of cuticle dangling from her thumbnail. “It’s destroyed. I’m so sorry, Katya. We’ve taken in a few refugees from there, but not a lot have made it. The ones who have…” She shakes her head. “I’m just so sorry.”
All I can do is stare at her as her words sink in. They’re all dead: Leodin, Mama and Max. Oh gods, poor Max. He was just a little boy. What kind of monsters would kill an innocent, sweet little boy? Tears spill down my cheeks. If I had made it there… If I’d warned them, maybe… I press a hand to my aching chest. My heart’s still beating. How can it still be beating when it feels like it’s been ripped out? I back up to the wall, pull my knees to my chest and whisper, mostly to myself, “It’s all my fault. ”
Aemon leaps in front of me. “No.” He tips my chin, forcing me to look at him. “There’s no way anybody could have known he’d do that.”
I don’t reply, just let the tears flow.
“This doesn’t make any sense,” Aemon says, turning toward Jael. "He was supposed to take over the doms, not destroy them. What could he possibly gain?”
“I can only tell you what I’ve heard,” she says. The other doms were ransacked, and a lot of people were killed, but Duje was...” Jael looks at me, her eyes creased with worry. “Worse.”
“Because of me,” I say, the words barely squeezing through my swollen throat.
“No,” Aemon says, even more emphatically. “This is not your fault. This is nobody’s fault but Troi’s. Do you understand?”
He’s wrong, but there’s no use telling him that. Instead, I turn to Jael and ask, “Can I see them?”
“Who?”
“The survivors. From Duje.”
“Of course. If you want to—”
I wipe my face and sniff back the snot leaking from my nose. “Now. Please. I’d like to see them now.”
Aemon holds me tight against his side as Jael leads us through the tiny clinic. It’s much like any other clinic I’ve seen. Cots are lined up in rows—three, to be exact—with a few extras pushed up against the walls to manage the larger than usual number of patients. The scent of vinegar stings my nose and eyes, and underneath that, like someone tried to cover it up but didn’t quite succeed, is the musk of decay.
None of this feels quite real, like I’m standing outside myself, watching someone else’s life crumble to bits around them. If only I’d been able to warn Mama about Leodin, maybe she would have taken Max and escaped before they came. Maybe, if I wasn’t so worried about myself, I might have thought to ask Aemon to send a telegram when we stopped in that little town. He had the money. But no. I was too worried about what was going to happen to me. And if I’m being honest, I never thought any of this would happen. I was so gods damned na?ve.
Jael stops beside a bed to speak to a female, and I’m so distracted, it takes me a moment to realize who it is. One side of her face is gnarled and mottled where it must have been horribly burned. She attempts to smile at Jael, but the movement only tugs at the scarred skin, making her appearance even more grotesque.
I step up beside Jael. “Magi Alise?”
The magi stares up at me, her eyes widening in recognition. “You? We all thought you were dead.”
Of course they did. I disappeared for weeks after escaping the palace. “I’m looking for my mother and Max. Have you seen them?”
Her eyes soften. “Not since the morning before the fire. We’d all just received the news about your father, and they were so upset.”
Poor Max. “Do you know where they went after?”
“Your mother’s room to rest, I think. The soldiers came that night when everyone was asl—” She makes a sort of choking sound, then erupts into a fit of coughs that rattle her whole body. Jael passes her a glass of water and the magi’s hands are shaking so badly she spills as much as she drinks. Finished, she returns the water to Jael and collapses back onto her pillow. She closes her eyes and takes a few breaths, then continues, “They set the building on fire with all of us inside. I heard the children screaming,” she says, her voice laced with grief, “and I opened the door, trying to get to them, but the fire.” Another deep breath and a cough. “I swear it came after me. I jumped out of my bedroom window to escape. I don’t remember much after. I’m sorry.”
“That’s alright,” I reply, trying and failing to keep my voice from quavering with the tears I’m refusing to let fall. “You rest.”
I turn to walk away, but Alise grabs my wrist, stopping me in my tracks. “Don’t blame yourself for not being there. You would have just died too. Your mother would be glad to know you’re safe.”
The tears I’ve been holding back burst from me like a tsunami, and I sputter out a quick “thank you,” then rush off in search of a place to cry.