52. Aemon
52
I didn’t immediately follow Katya to her room. Instead, I talked to Jael for a few minutes, just to give Katya some time to collect herself. Gods know, I’ve never been any good at this sort of thing. I never know what to say or how to act, but this time is so much worse because this is my fault. I’m the one that trusted Troi to keep his word. I’m the one who chased after her instead of staying behind to rein him in. How can I possibly comfort her when I’m the one who ruined her fucking life?
As expected, I find her lying in bed, curled up onto her side, silently crying. Every fiber of my being is screaming at me to fix this , but I can’t. I don’t know how, and it’s killing me. I want to scream or cry or punch something. Instead, I simply stand here, watching her suffer, and wish it was me. I never knew it could be like this—this feeling someone else’s pain like it’s your own. I’d take every drop of that pain from her just to see her smile .
I don’t speak. There’s nothing I can say that will make this better. I simply climb into bed behind her, tuck her against my chest and hold her. Sobs wrack her tiny body and tears roll down her beautiful face. I tug my sleeve down and wipe them away, then press a kiss to the back of her head. Even in this, I’m a self-serving bastard. I can tell myself I’m trying to comfort her, but really, I’m just trying to comfort myself. I’m holding her because I need to feel her body pressed against mine, to soak up her warmth, to know she’s safe and whole and mine.
It’s ironic to think that in learning to love someone else, I’ve come to truly hate myself.
Katya rolls over and presses her palms against my chest. “Do you think they could have survived?” she asks. Her tone isn’t hopeful.
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. I brush the hair back from her face. Her eyes are red and swollen from crying, and yet, she’s still so beautiful it takes my breath away. “I talked to Jael, and she’s working on getting us a horse and supplies so we can go check it out for ourselves. If we leave first thing, we should be able to make it before nightfall.”
She nods. “Thank you.” She leans in and presses a kiss to my mouth. Her mouth is warm and salty with tears. Then her tongue slips between the seam of my lips, and I’m done for. I pull her body flush against mine and kiss her with everything I am.