Chapter 45
It had been two weeks since the cocktail bar in the boathouse had been opened and on Friday night it was even busier.
It had also been two days since Hannah and Alex had kissed.
Seeing him so upset when watching the Commonwealth Games where he should have won a medal had been hard.
So hard that she had ended up kissing him as a way to comfort him.
Except she couldn’t stop reliving that kiss, the way he had kissed her back.
And she still felt guilty. As much as she had relished being in his arms, she couldn’t ignore the tiny voice inside reminding her that he was probably still dating Aimee. But Alex wasn’t a cheater and nor was she.
Neither of them had referred to the kiss since then and she was grateful just to be friends with him, friends who were comfortable with each other. Friends who had shared one amazing kiss.
Thankfully Ella and Beth had come back to help out in the cocktail bar that weekend and were proving just the distraction that she needed.
‘That was a great idea,’ said Beth, flexing her biceps after the self-defence class which they had just finished early on Saturday morning.
Ella rolled her eyes. ‘I can do more damage with my stiletto than my hands,’ she said.
‘I think those false nails could be your biggest weapon, to be honest,’ said Hannah.
Ella gave a fake roar and raked her French tips through the air as if they were claws.
It had been Aimee’s tentative idea to Alex about self-defence classes that had triggered their interest. Aimee was unsure about a new direction so Alex had suggested that she teach the girls first to see how she got on.
Despite her guilt over kissing Alex and jealousy over their dating, Hannah had begun to like Aimee. She was kind and funny and was a really good teacher as well.
‘Those self-defence tips were amazing,’ said Hannah as they sat down afterwards for a coffee. She had decided to not open up the café until 10 a.m., just to give herself a bit of breathing space.
They all breathed a sigh of satisfaction before looking out across the lake from the veranda.
‘What a lovely day,’ said Lily. ‘But you know what, I feel more empowered thanks to Aimee.’
‘Absolutely,’ said Beth. ‘If anyone ever tries it on with me on the tube, then I’m going to try out that trick with the fingers.’
‘Or you could just wear slightly longer skirts,’ murmured Ella.
Beth laughed. ‘It’s not my fault that my favourite vintage style is from the sixties,’ she said. ‘I love those miniskirts.’
‘And you’ve got the amazing legs to go with them,’ Lily told her.
But Hannah couldn’t get over what Ella had just said.
‘Look, I know you’ve got a classic style which is gorgeous, by the way,’ she said to Ella.
‘But why should Beth change whatever she wears just to placate some weirdo on the tube? She should be able to wear what she likes whenever she likes and not be hassled because of it.’
All three friends turned to look at her with surprised looks on their faces.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever heard you speak like that,’ said Lily.
Ella nodded. ‘And I absolutely agree with your sentiment, by the way. Who’d have thought? Hannah Jackman embodying the spirit of girl power.’
Hannah giggled. ‘I did just sound like someone else, didn’t I?’ she said, now feeling a little embarrassed.
‘Oh, no, you can’t take it back now,’ said Ella, shaking her head. ‘The mouse has started roaring and we love you even more for it.’
‘What’s changed?’ asked Lily.
Her friends waited whilst Hannah tried to find the right words to explain to them how she was feeling.
‘I guess it was this place,’ she said, gesturing around the café.
‘I had to be brave at long last and yes, it totally took me out of my comfort zone and yet I’m proud of myself,’ she said, before slumping back in her chair in amazement. ‘I’ve never said that before.’
‘Well, it’s long overdue,’ said Lily, smiling at her.
But Hannah couldn’t find her own smile. Instead, she was thinking back to the worst of times in her life. ‘Actually, it’s ten years overdue,’ she said in a soft tone.
There was a short silence whilst her friends exchanged concerned looks.
‘Since Sean,’ prompted Beth, gently.
Hannah hesitated before finally nodding. Would her friends judge her for being with him in the first place?
‘You know, you’ve never told us what happened all those years ago.’ Ella reached out and took Hannah’s spare hand to squeeze it in hers. ‘We will never ever judge you,’ she said, as if reading her friend’s mind.
And that what good friends did, thought Hannah.
But despite trusting them implicitly, she had kept a secret from them.
The fallout from her relationship with Sean had been her burden alone to carry.
She had never shared quite how bad it had been with him, although her friends knew that it hadn’t been good.
But now, she finally felt strong enough to tell them the truth.
Hannah took a deep breath. ‘He frightened me.’
She heard her friends breathe in sharply.
‘Did he ever hurt you?’ asked Lily, frowning.
Hannah shook her head. ‘Not physically, no. But mentally? Absolutely. He used to criticise me over and over, making me think that every little fault that I had was of my own making. Whatever I did, however hard I tried, I was never good enough. Then one night, he shouted at me and he was so angry. So very angry.’ She shivered and Lily leant across to wrap her arm around her.
‘Tell us,’ said Beth, coming over to kneel in front of her. She squeezed Hannah’s knee with her hand and then her friends waited.
‘He pushed me over one evening, shouting over and over at me. Afterwards I lay there in bed that night shaking with fear,’ said Hannah.
‘He was asleep and I just prayed that he didn’t wake up.
It was the longest night of my life. I was so worried.
I honestly thought that he was going to hurt me.
So, after he’d left for work the next day, I quickly packed up my stuff and somehow made it home on the train. I ran away.’
‘And there’s no shame in that,’ said Ella. Despite her firm nod, there were tears glittering in her eyes. ‘You left him and you were safe, that was the main thing.’
‘Thank goodness,’ said Beth, shaking her head and looking upset.
‘We knew it was bad,’ said Lily, squeezing her even tighter. ‘Of course we did, but we never knew how bad.’
‘So he’s the reason that you’ve never dated anyone since then,’ said Ella.
‘Well, Maple Tree Lodge hasn’t exactly been overflowing with available men,’ said Hannah, with a small smile.
‘And even if it had been?’ prompted Beth.
Hannah shook her head. ‘I’ve never been comfortable with anyone to feel that way,’ she said.
‘Except Alex,’ said Lily.
Hannah was about to deny it but then she realised that she couldn’t deny it any longer, to herself or to her friends. So instead she nodded. ‘Except Alex,’ she muttered.
‘So don’t reject Alex just because he’s a man,’ Ella told her. ‘Although I admit the majority of them are pretty hopeless,’ she added with a grin. ‘Learn from Sean and build a better more honest relationship with Alex who’s a good guy.’
‘Except he’s already in a relationship,’ Hannah reminded them. ‘With Aimee.’
‘Actually, that might not be true,’ said Beth, frowning. ‘Aimee was just telling me about her hot date tonight with some drummer from a band. Definitely not Alex.’
Hannah stared at her. ‘You mean they might not be going out any more?’
‘Doesn’t sound like it.’
Hannah drew in a sharp breath. Could it be true? Was Alex available?
She looked out from the veranda and watched him wade out of the water after his morning swim. Looking at his perfect body half-naked in the water, she wondered how she’d ever managed to walk away after their kiss. His body was perfect. His personality was too.
She frowned to herself. Actually, he was too perfect a gentleman. Too polite. No searing looks since. No flirting. No hint or suggestion of any impropriety at all. It was completely infuriating and she was being slowly driven crazy with desire for him.
As she contemplated how on earth she could move things forward between them, she slowly became aware that her friends had gone quiet.
She turned her head and found them all watching her with smiles on their faces.
‘What?’ she asked.
‘Do you need to jump in the lake to cool off?’ teased Ella.
‘I know the perfect lifeguard to save you if you want to drown,’ added Beth, with a grin.
Hannah huffed out a sigh. ‘You lot are impossible, you know? Nothing’s happening between us.’
‘But you’d like it to,’ said Lily, raising her eyebrows in question.
Hannah couldn’t think up a slick enough answer, leading to a flurry of more exchanged grins.
‘Oh, this is so exciting,’ cooed Beth who liked to see the romance in everything.
They all glanced over to where Alex was now sitting on the paddleboard. Hannah couldn’t stop herself looking at his skin glistening with drops of water and gulped.
‘Yes, but you know what they say,’ carried on Beth. ‘Good on paper or paddleboard, bad kisser.’
‘Actually, he’s a great kisser,’ murmured Hannah, lost in her own world of memory.
‘Yes, but you were drunk that doesn’t count,’ Ella reminded her. ‘You could have imagined he was a good kisser.’
Hannah shook her head. ‘I’ve kissed him twice actually.’
‘And you didn’t tell us?’ asked Lily agog.
Beth rolled her eyes. ‘Yes, the first thing she should have done upon being kissed by Alex is get on the phone to us all.’
‘Let her speak,’ said Lily, hushing her friends.
So Hannah explained how upset he’d been on viewing the triathlon event at the Commonwealth Games and how her support had somehow ended up with them kissing.
‘So now what?’ asked Beth.
‘I honestly don’t know,’ replied Hannah.
‘But you want something more, don’t you?’ asked Lily. ‘Now you know he’s single.’
‘He’s so lovely,’ she told them. ‘He’s kind and funny and so supportive.’
‘So what’s the problem?’ asked Ella.
‘I’ve kissed him twice and he hasn’t said anything about it,’ moaned Hannah, burying her face in her hands. ‘I made a total fool of myself and he doesn’t feel the same way.’
‘Well, this doesn’t sound like the new Hannah Jackson, does it?’ said Lily. ‘Be brave. You’ve been through so much. And who knows what you might get from all this positivity and success you’ve had recently?’
Hannah found herself wondering what it would be like to date someone like Alex, someone true and trustworthy. She just didn’t know if he felt the same way.
But her friends were right. Maybe it was time to find out.
Because she had moved on at last, she realised. And now it was about finding the true happiness that she knew she deserved.