Chapter 5 #3
“Good chance, but in my experience, there’s no such thing as too many. Accidents happen, and now we have three women living with us.” He grabbed two different types of pads. One had a sun and one had a moon on the box, so I hazarded a guess as to why there were two different kinds.
“Lu’s pregnant,” I murmured, looking down at my phone. I hated feeling so inadequate. If Kalea hadn’t been so private about these things, I would have known what to do for Caroline.
“She won’t always be,” he reminded me. Staying at the side of the cart, he put his hands behind his back.
“I’m going to ask you a question, and we’re in a public place with security cameras, so do try to mind your temper when I do.
” I didn’t get a chance to react or tell him that I didn’t give a fuck about cameras or the public before he asked his question.
“You have feelings for Caroline, don’t you? ”
And suddenly his preface made sense. My eyes narrowed on him and my grip on my phone tightened. “Why the fuck would you ask me something like that? She’s fucking seventeen, you sick fuck!”
Lucifer raised an eyebrow, but did not back down. “I’m not blind. I see the way you look at her—or try not to look at her—and I am aware of how old she is. Still doesn’t change my question.”
“She’s fucking seventeen!” I might end up killing a Man of God today anyway. All the good favor he’d earned from me just vanished in the blink of an eye.
“Did I accuse you of sleeping with her or doing anything inappropriate with her?” Lucifer asked.
Why was he so fucking calm? It was driving me nuts.
“I asked if you had feelings for her. I see how tightly wound you are, Tangaloa. I see the battle raging inside you. I see the strength it takes you to keep your distance from her. I am not encouraging your actions one way or the other, but I do believe acknowledging them will go a long way into easing your burden. I’m not saying to shout them from the rooftop or to hire a sky writer.
You can stand in front of a mirror or you can speak to someone like me. But it will help, I promise you.”
I stood there frozen. I didn’t know what to say. Even forming the words felt worthy of a firing squad.
Tick came rushing down the aisle then, disrupting Lucifer’s and my intense eye contact.
“Shoots! I think I got everything you wanted. The heating pad, the bubble bath, Midol… I didn’t know which brand of dark chocolate with sea salt, so I grabbed a variety.
Also found this lower back massager. Lady I talked to said it can help with cramps.
” He dropped it all into the cart on top of the vaginal deodorant, pads, and tampons Lucifer and I had picked out.
Then held up a slip of paper in triumph.
“Also got her phone number. Daddy’s got a date tonight,” he added with a wide smile.
Lucifer held my gaze another moment before turning his attention to Tick. “We better stop by the next aisle and get you some condoms too. I do lessons with the teens on how to put them on. If you think you’ll need assistance, we can stop by produce and get some bananas—”
“Fuck you, man!” Tick laughed, playfully pushing Lucifer. He adjusted his glasses on his nose. “Haven’t you heard? Nerds are in! My dick probably needs to see a vet, it’s been getting so much pussy.”
I didn’t even bother to roll my eyes at that awful line. Instead, I put my phone away and pushed the cart forward. There was a flower section by checkout, and I owed Caroline an apology. Probably should pick up some smoked salmon too. It was her favorite after all.
My arms weighed down by grocery bags, I tapped gently on the door to my bedroom. Technically, I could have just walked in—it was my room, after all—but that felt rude.
Caroline opened the door, her eyes widening when she saw it was me and not Saga.
I held up my arms, showing off my olive branch. “Delivery.”
Her lips twitched, and she stepped back to let me into the room. “Sebastian told me you were going to the store. I didn’t mean to trouble you.”
I dumped the haul onto the couch cushions, careful not to crush her flowers. “First and foremost, you are never a trouble to me. And second, don’t call Saga that. Even if he asked you to. He’s ‘Saga’ to you.” I hated hearing his birth name on her lips. It sounded too intimate, too personal.
I didn’t give her time to respond before I held up the flowers. It was a mixture of red and purple anthuriums, red mokara orchids, and foliage. I did not know this prior to reading the card that came with them. “I owe you an apology.”
Caroline stepped forward cautiously. She accepted the flowers, pulling them into her chest. Eyeing the numerous canvas bags behind me, she quipped, “So you bought out a grocery store?”
“I didn’t want to run the risk of not getting something you needed.” Which reminded me of the other stop I’d made on my way back. I pulled the phone from my back pocket. “I know you said you didn’t want a phone, but I should have insisted anyway. You need a way to reach me.”
Lifting her head from sniffing the flowers, Caroline stared down at my next offering. “Before a couple of days ago, I didn’t have to worry about reaching you. You were always there.”
My eyes flicked to the chair beside the door that hadn’t been there before. It looked like one from downstairs. Guilt squeezed my heart at the knowledge that she’d been barricading the door in my absence.
I stepped forward. Grabbing her wrist, I put the phone into her palm. “I will always be here, but that doesn’t mean we are always going to be together. You should have had this from the beginning in case you needed something, like today.”
Her cheeks flamed under her sprinkling of freckles. She opened her mouth, but I stopped her from what I could only assume was an apology.
“Never apologize for asking me for something you need. I don’t give a fuck if it’s dumplings from China that you’re having a craving for. I will hop on a plane and get them for you.”
Her smile finally reached her eyes. “I’ve never had dumplings from China.”
Fuck. Now I was going to have to start researching the best ones and plane tickets. I had some clients in China who might be able to help.
Realizing I still held her wrist, I stepped back. “I wasn’t sure what you needed so I got a variety.”
“Thank you,” she murmured, clearly embarrassed. “Lu helped me last month, but I didn’t think about going swimming and I was still sore—” Caroline’s eyes widened as she clamped her mouth shut.
Rage shook my body. But not at her. I stepped forward, slowly at first. Opening my arms, I stopped just before her, letting her take that final step.
She rushed into my arms so fast that I feared she bruised herself.
Her grip was tight and she buried her face into my chest. I dropped myself over her, my body creating a physical shield between her and the world, and rested my cheek against her hair.
My shirt was thin enough that I felt her tears soak it almost immediately.
Her little hands gripped my cut at my back, tightening it over my shoulders.
She smelled divine, some vanilla and honey mixture.
Lucifer had not pressed his inquiry at the store, but that didn’t keep it from my mind. Who else knew? Who else saw and suspected?
Did Caroline?
I should step away from her. There was absolutely no excuse to be holding her like this. It didn’t matter if it was what she needed. It was still wrong. But there was no denying how good, how right, she felt against me.
And really, what difference did another seven months make?
“Fuck!” I ripped myself away from her, easily breaking her grip on me. I could not be thinking such things! I’d never allowed myself to. Not an acknowledgement of her birthday or a countdown to the end of the year. Because that would lead to me thinking the exact question I’d just thought!
I ran my hand through my hair in frustration. “Coming back here was a mistake. My number is programmed into your phone. If you need something, let me know. But I can’t be here right now.”
Caroline stepped between me and the door. “Don’t go! Please!”
I stopped so I didn’t collide into her. “Caroline…” My voice was a warning.
“I’m scared,” she confessed, and it felt like the floor went out from under me.
My heart hammered in my chest. “Of me?” I didn’t want to know, but I had to. If it wasn’t me, then who? Saga?
She closed her eyes, tears streaming out the corners and down her cheeks. “Of what you’ll think of me when I tell you everything.”
Not of me, but what I would think of her? I stepped forward cautiously, not wanting to startle her when her eyes were closed. Gently, I took her face between my hands, wiping the pads of my thumbs under her eyes to brush away her tears.
I leaned down and pressed my lips to her forehead. I could claim it was a platonic gesture, meant only to comfort her, but even a blind man would be able to see through that lie. I heard the flowers hit the couch before her hands came up to grip my wrists.
“Don’t tell me,” I encouraged against her soft skin. “Not until you’re ready or not at all. It won’t matter and it doesn’t matter. Not to me.”
I couldn’t imagine, and frankly didn’t want to even try to imagine, what she had gone through.
I had no reason to know unless it would help her to tell me.
Nothing she said, nothing she did to have survived the hell she’d been put into when she was fucking nine years old, would change anything.
So why say it? Why force her to relive those memories when the outcome would be the same?
She shook slightly against me. “It’s not fair to you—”
“I don’t give a fuck,” I interrupted. Not if it tormented her to say the words. I would take unfairness over her pain any day. “It changes nothing.”
“I don’t deserve you…”
Fucking hell. This woman might as well rip out my heart and stomp on it; it would hurt less. “Don’t say that. It couldn’t be further from the truth.”
“The things I feel for you… I thought I was going to die in that basement, Tangaloa. I thought it was going to be my fate to die in that basement, my daughter never having seen the sunlight or know the feel of the breeze on her cheeks. I never expected… How do I know? Dr. Akamu told me about Stockholm and Hero Worship syndromes. How do I know if what I feel for you is real?”
E iho ana a luna
E pi’i ana o lalo
E hui ana na moku
E ku ana ka paia
I chanted the Oli Hooikaika, a prayer for strength, in my head at least twenty times. Both in my native tongue and in English.
That which is above, be brought down.
That which is below, shall be lifted up.
The islands shall be united.
The walls shall stand upright!
It did nothing to help.
My knees gave out, and I slid to the dense carpeting before her.
She was so petite that my face easily buried in the crook of her shoulder as I wrapped my arms around her.
“How can you ask me that?” My voice sounded rough, like I’d just eaten gravel.
“After what you asked me the other night, how can you ask me that now?”
With our positions now reversed, it was her turn to rest her cheek on my hair.
“I don’t believe that you would take a woman against her will.
If I did, I wouldn’t be standing here with you right now.
I was hurt that you were with her. I think I was trying to find a reason to blame you, to hate you.
I’m so sorry, Tangaloa. I did not realize how much I needed you until you weren’t there. ”
Her reasoning hurt, but after my talk with Holly—or rather, Holly’s talk with me—I understood it. Didn’t like it, but understood it.
“I can’t be what you need,” I told her, inhaling that vanilla and honey lotion she wore today.
“I need you here. For now, isn’t that enough?”
I nodded. It had to be, because the last four days were some of the worst of my life. “I shouldn’t be holding you like this.” Even as the words came out of my mouth, I gripped her tighter, not wanting to let go.
“I need you to hold me like this.” Caroline tightened her hold too. “I don’t know when Samantha will be back, but I need this. So badly.”
I did too. I hadn’t realized just how much rage, frustration, and self-pity I had been harboring inside me until it seeped from my soul at her touch.
It became an unspoken vow. We clung to each other until that inevitable knock on the door that popped our delusion and sent reality crashing back down on us.