Chapter 31. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
(Sienna)
Maggie chose not to join us for dinner last night. Instead, she remained in her room, and I completely understood. Revisiting those years must have been a truly harrowing experience. Today, however, she behaved like everything was fine, and our conversation never happened.
While Ander and Zayn played basketball in the backyard, Maggie and I spent the entire morning baking ginger and chocolate chip cookies with Rosita. I was watching them from the kitchen window, shirtless, all sweaty, and their muscles shining in the sunlight. Even though it hadn’t snowed in a week and December was warmer than usual, it was still winter. I didn’t know if they were brave or simply stupid. Of course, they ignored Claudia’s advice and kept goofing around with their bare torsos, which was seriously distracting. In fact, I’d been so distracted while retrieving a tray from the oven with our third batch that I now had a minor burn on my left wrist.
Every time I stared at the kitchen island, I remembered the time I was sitting on top of it with Zayn between my legs, fucking me hard on the counter.
Rosita had only left to enter the pantry room when Maggie turned to face me and teased, “You’re blushing and dribbling all over the cookies, and we know it’s not the only thing that’s getting moist around here.”
I punched her on her upper arm to make her stop.
“Rosita is going to hear you! Shut your big fat mouth!” I whispered.
The housekeeper returned carrying more flour and another pack of chocolate chips. It didn’t seem she’d heard Maggie’s comment.
“Have you got all your presents wrapped? I only bought a present for you, so I hope the guys don’t mind. I didn’t get them anything. I initially thought we were spending the holidays alone, and honestly, I have a limited budget, so don’t expect anything fancy.” Maggie didn’t know, but I’d bought her something that would blow her mind. I didn’t care what she got me. The only thing I really wanted was to see her face on Christmas morning.
“Yes, I have them all wrapped and ready. Including yours,” I responded, and her face lit up.
“I’m genuinely excited this year. I’ve spent the past couple of Christmases alone, and it’s been four years since my last one with my dad.”
Her comment made my heart ache. Nobody should spend these days alone, and especially not Maggie.
At that moment, I decided to throw a Christmathon party for her. It was a fantastic idea, thankyouverymuch , especially since Ander and I used to do it every year. The concept had evolved in the past two thanks to Sarah’s input, but the new changes made Christmathon even better. It was an upgrade.
“I’m gonna make this Christmas rock for you, and I have a plan.”
“Do you? Oh God…please. What is it?”
“Christmathon!” I lifted my arms without realizing they were covered in flour.
Maggie laughed while I coughed and asked me between giggles, “Christ…what?”
“So…Ander and I watched many Christmas movies as kids, and we called it ‘Christmathon.’ Our parents used to celebrate the holidays together, but when I left for Switzerland and we stopped hanging out, I would watch them on my own or with Sarah. She came up with this cool idea two years ago for our ‘Christmathon’ sessions. We’d pick a particular word for each movie we watched. Whenever a character in the movie said that word, we’d take a shot. She sneaked into our principal’s office and stole a bottle of whiskey the first year, then grabbed a bottle of vodka last year. We should do it when Noah’s here. Everyone gets to pick their poison and snacks. It’ll be fun.” My voice squeaked at the end. I was so excited.
“If it involves alcohol, I’m in.”
We continued working on the next batch of cookies while “All I Want for Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey played in the background.
An hour later, Zayn and Ander walked into the kitchen. Rosita was helping us with the cleanup, and the final batch was cooling down on the counter. Zayn tried to pick one from the tray, but I was able to slap his hand away before he snatched a chocolate chip cookie. He gifted me with one of his characteristic smirks.
“Ouch. You’re very protective over your cookies.”
“Yes, I am. They are for tomorrow, so you’ll have to wait,” I exclaimed.
Ander came out of the laundry room, holding two hand towels and throwing one to Zayn.
“What are your plans for today? We could resume your self-defense training in the gym downstairs,” Zayn suggested.
We had been training on and off for the last few weeks, although this time, we kept the sessions professional and our clothes on.
“Yes, that’d be great. I haven’t heard from the stalker lately, but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared if they show up again…” It had been a few weeks since they threatened me with a knife, but I was worried that they would corner me when I was alone and helpless. At least I wanted to be ready if it happened again.
“Get changed. I’ll see you downstairs in ten.”
* * *
I could hear “Suffering” by Melrose Avenue blasting through the speakers as I descended the steps to the basement, which was cleverly divided into three distinct sections, each serving a different purpose. To the left was a cozy little kitchenette with a dark wooden table positioned at its center. A massive L-shaped leather sofa stretched out directly across from the kitchenette, facing an impressive 85-inch TV. On the right-hand side was a dedicated workout area. The presence of weights, dumbbells, exercise mats, and other modern equipment gave the space a fitness-friendly atmosphere. The room screamed man cave .
“Hey there.” I made my way toward the mats, where Zayn was currently stretching. With each movement, his shorts and T-shirt clung to his body, and I wondered how good it would feel to have another one-on-one like that time at The Dragon Den.
Focus .
I caught Zayn smirking at my ogling. I’d been doing that a lot lately.
“Let’s begin with a warm-up before diving into the training. It’s important to avoid straining your muscles,” Zayn advised, demonstrating the correct stretching techniques. He then guided me through the tactics we’d discussed in our previous training sessions.
For the next couple of hours, we reviewed the things I should improve and practiced counteracting attacks when they came from different angles.
I was lying on my back, staring at the ceiling, as I attempted to slow my breathing and relax. He’d been exceptionally quiet during our training. He wasn’t very talkative, but his silence felt different this time.
“Where’s your mind at? You’re very quiet today.”
“It’s nothing.” He sighed.
“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
He stayed pensive for a few seconds before speaking.
“It’s this time of the year. It always makes me moody.”
“Is it because you miss your father?”
He nodded. It was an obvious question. The night we met, he told me about his father’s passing.
“I get it. It’s my first Christmas without my parents. It’s weird, especially spending the holidays in this house. Did you know I used to spend every Christmas Day with the Scotts until I was twelve?”
“What was it like?”
I bit my bottom lip, and my eyes dropped to the floor.
“Some of my best memories happened in this house,” I confessed. He searched my face, trying to find something. Regret, maybe? What could it have been but never was?
“What happened between you two?”
Too much was what I wanted to say.
“I think somewhere down the line, we became more than friends, but after what happened between my dad and William, my father made it his mission to forbid me from seeing Ander. While I was in Switzerland, we tried to stay in touch through letters, but…let’s say the mail got lost before they reached their destination.” I changed the subject. “Tell me more about your father. What was your relationship like?” I wanted to know more about Zayn and what made him, well, him. He always carried this I don’t give a fuck attitude about himself, but the truth was that I began to witness a side of him that I never expected to see. He was full of passion and cared about the people he loved.
“He was the best man I’ve ever known. He would come to every single tournament and take me fishing on the weekends. My mom absolutely adored him. That’s why I struggled to understand what she saw in William or how she could be ready to settle down with another man so quickly.”
“She seems happy.”
“I think so too. I stopped overanalyzing it when I realized my attitude was negatively affecting her. The last thing I want is to have the only parent I have left resenting me.”
He’d never been so honest with me, and I appreciated that he was opening up to me on such a delicate subject.
“She loves you, Zayn. I can see that much.”
Zayn gently raised his hand, tucking away a stray strand of hair that had slipped from my ponytail behind my ear. The gesture was so sweet and caring that my body shifted toward his until his palm touched my face, and his thumb stroked my flushed cheeks with light movements.
“Have I ever told you how beautiful you are, Sienna?”
My blush deepened, but it wasn’t because of the workout this time.
“When you say those things, it’s hard to resist you,” I admitted.
“Believe me, it’s taking me a lot of restraint not to bend you over the sofa right now and fuck you senseless.”
My pussy throbbed. I hadn’t had sex since Thanksgiving, and my body was now betraying me. Four weeks was a long time when I was constantly surrounded by the hottest guys I’d ever hooked up with in my life. Maggie said I was a lucky bitch, but my conscience was working overtime. No matter how I looked at it, any decision I made would hurt someone.
“What do YOU want, Sienna? Forget about what I want and what Noah wants.”
And what Ander wants…
He saw what was going through my mind.
“I wish it were that simple,” I answered.
“It is. We have talked about death and grieving. A little talk about your feelings and what you want is light conversation at this point.” He chuckled.
Could I be totally honest with him? Would he think I was a little slut for all these thoughts I had in my head about having sex with them? Maybe at the same time? I was already carrying a significant weight of guilt for not mourning my parents in the way society deemed appropriate. The truth was that my heart still ached from the loss. However, these guys had unexpectedly entered my life amid this emotional chaos. Their presence, how they seemed to care about me, had breathed new life into my world, offering a glimmer of hope within the shadow of my grief.
“Don’t judge me, okay?”
“Never.”
I took a deep breath before saying, “I really like you and Noah.” For now, I opted to exclude Ander from the conversation, as managing the situation with two candidates in the running was challenging enough. “Not only because of the way you make me feel…physically. I mean, the sex has been amazing, no complaints here, but the way you are, too, especially around me. You show me that you care about me, about my well-being…keeping me safe. I can’t think about a scenario where I choose one and not the other…so I’ve been wondering what it would be like…you know… to be with both of you.”
Zayn’s eyes widened.
I knew it. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth.
“What do you mean by ‘the both of us’? At the same time?”
A grin slowly appeared on his face. I nudged him away with my shoulder, hoping to prevent his smug expression from leading to any teasing or jokes.
“You know what I mean, asshole. Yes.”
“Interesting choice of words.”
I smacked his arm and exclaimed, “Stop it.”
Zayn wouldn’t stop looking at me funny, and I found it difficult to maintain eye contact because I felt incredibly embarrassed after confessing my fantasies to him. I stood. After tightening my ponytail, I cast a glance over my shoulder.
“You’re impossible,” I muttered before adding, “I’ll see you at dinner.”
My footsteps echoed as I hurried upstairs.