CHAPTER 9 #2
There’s something tawdry in the word admirer. I want to protect those letters and what they mean to me. It was much more than love notes left by a secret admirer.
“It didn’t feel right to kiss Arden even though I really wanted to,” I admit.
The memory of how torn I felt, of how close I was to saying fuck it and kissing her with all the pent of lust she’d been making me feel since the moment I laid eyes on her. But I didn’t.
And now I’m wondering if I should have.
“The letters,” I pause and look at Eliza, needing to see her reaction, “they’re always signed with a sunflower sticker.”
Eliza sucks in a breath and the look on her face confirms it all. Her voice is thready, shocked, “She’s the one who has been writing you?”
“I think so,” I tell her. “She said something when I took her home. It was right out of one of her letters. The first one. I knew then.”
“She didn’t tell me,” Eliza breathes out. Then her eyes sharpen. “You didn’t kiss her, even though the woman you fell in love with through letters was right in front of you?”
I run my fingers through my hair again.
“I know that now, but I didn’t then.”
“You gotta go easy on him, Baby,” Kendrick coaxes. “It wasn’t like she bumped into him and almost knocked him over in the middle of the market.”
Eliza throws her hands up, “I did not almost knock you over. I swear, every time you bring it up it gets worse and worse.”
“I remember it the way it happened,” he teases her, his eyes flashing with heat I have to look away from.
“Arden is,” Eliza’s voice trails off before she looks at me seriously, “she can hold people at arm’s length even though she’s bright and friendly with them. It makes her good at her job, and it makes her good at hiding that she rarely makes real connections with people.”
“Yeah,” I croak, “I’ve noticed. What I don’t understand is why,” there’s a plea in my voice and from the way Eliza’s eyes soften, she can hear it just as clearly as I can.
“Arden was really young when she came here,” Eliza begins.
“I remember hearing some things back then. I’ve been trying to remember, but I was a kid and I didn’t pay much attention to adult gossip. I was too busy starting to learn about Sagebrush and my duty to it.”
“Kids shouldn’t listen to adult gossip,” Eliza says with a wave of her hand, like me being concerned about it is silly.
She sighs, the look on her face full of hesitation.
“I’m not going to share everything, but I do think it’s pretty common knowledge that Ginger took Arden and got them out of a violent situation.
I don’t know a lot of details because Arden doesn’t really remember them.
She remembers the fear, though,” her face is grave.
Realization dawns on me and I sink back into the couch. “A friendship date was safer,” I murmur the words, more to myself.
Eliza shrugs one shoulder. “Probably, to her. I’m sure she’s also been feeling guilty about not admitting to writing you those letters. She’s never been a good liar, and this probably feels like she’s holding back a big one.”
“I should have kissed her,” I spit out the words as my frustration builds.
I was holding out for her, I just didn’t know she was my Sunflower at the time. If I had, things would have been different. I would have kissed her until her lips were all red and puffy, until we were both breathless.
Arden is it for me. My Sunflower. I don’t know if I could have held back. I’ve been waiting for the right woman to come along and now she’s here.
Eliza’s words make me wonder—would the kiss have been her first as well?
I shoot up from the couch and am moving toward the front door of the Watts farmhouse before I’ve really thought it through.
“Thank you,” I throw over my shoulder. “I’m going to write her a letter.”
I’m fairly sure I hear Eliza giggling from inside the house, but I’m already at my truck, jumping in, and driving back home. When I’m staring down at a blank piece of paper on my desk, I take a deep breath and pick up a pen.
Dear Sunflower,
I’ve figured out who you are, Arden. Not just to this town, but to me. I wish I had known it sooner, but I think I understand why you didn’t tell me. It would have been awkward, and I know I wouldn’t have had the courage to say it.
Thank you for letting me spend time with you. You have no idea how much I’ve looked forward to seeing you around Seneca Falls and taking you on our friend dates. But we both know we aren’t just friends.
We’re so much more.
I think we could be everything.
You also deserve an apology, and this is kind of embarrassing to write out. I should have kissed you. You have no idea how much I wanted to. Everything in me was screaming to pull you into my arms and kiss you until we both forgot our own names.
I held back though.
The reason?
You.
But I didn’t know it was you then.
The only reason I didn’t kiss you is because it didn’t feel fair or right. Not when I was also thinking about my Sunflower who has been writing me letters for the last year. Because with every letter in my mailbox, the world felt just a little bit easier to navigate and I didn’t feel so alone.
Knowing my Sunflower was out there, somewhere, while I was spending time with you was tearing me apart. Then you said something as you got out of my truck and ran into your house.
It’s easy for birthdays to be swept under the rug on days like that.
I’m not sure if you even realize it, but you said it and I think I knew instantly who you really are to me.
As much as I wanted to chase after you, I also wanted to make sure.
After getting back to Sagebrush, the first place I went was to my bedside table where I keep all your letters.
I read those same words, almost exactly, in your first letter to me.
And I knew for sure then.
I don’t care that you didn’t tell me, if you’re worried about it. I don’t care at all. All I want is you, Arden.
To hold you in my arms.
To know in my heart that I’m holding the woman who has no idea how she saved me and maybe wasn’t even trying to.
To kiss you because it feels like I might lose my mind if I don’t.
Arden, my Sunflower, please, be brave.
Your Cowboy
As I fold up the letter, I look out my window at the inky black sky, the stars twinkling like they’re giggling at how much I’m pinning on this letter. No big deal, it just feels like my entire future and the woman I’ve fallen in love with is hanging in the balance.
Tomorrow, when I wake up before the sun, I’ll sneak into town and drop the letter into her mailbox. Hopefully, she’ll come to me. I’ve waited this long and can wait for a little while longer.