Chapter 36
I don’t realize how tightly I’m holding onto Connor until my fingers start to ache. I’m afraid if I loosen my grip, even just a little, this moment will slip right through my hands.
I should let go.
But I can’t.
Connor’s arms tighten around me and then I feel it. His lips press against the top of my head. My breath stutters, and I want more than anything to feel the press of those warm lips against mine.
It would be so easy. All I’d have to do is tilt my head back the slightest bit and lift my lips to his. I’m picturing it now in my mind, the way he’d respond, and how I’d open my mouth for him. I can almost feel his tongue tangled with mine.
God, I want to.
But there’s something holding me back. It’s heavy and sharp, and it won’t allow me to move.
I know what it feels like to lose him. I’ve already done it once.
No, scratch that. I’ve already lost him twice.
First, he broke my heart when he left for college, and it took me years to feel comfortable being in his orbit again around our friends.
Then, there’s the second time he left. It was even more confusing and painful than the first time because I had no idea why he disappeared.
I still don’t truly know why working on himself meant cutting all of his friends out of his life.
Grieving him twice nearly destroyed me, and I don’t think I could survive it again. That alone is enough to keep my head down and pressed against his chest.
“Let’s get you unpacked.”
His words are the splash of cold water on the moment that I need. I pull away quickly and reach around him for my suitcase.
“I can do it. You’ve already done enough.”
Not waiting for a response, I pull the suitcase to the small walk-in closet that’s next to the bathroom. I can feel Connor’s attention on me, but I get to work unpacking my clothes.
“Let me know if you need anything. I’ll be in the living room.”
I might be imagining it, but I swear I hear sadness in his voice. When I look up to thank him, he’s already gone.
After the moment in my bedroom, things were awkward between Connor and me for the rest of the morning. He was overly polite while I did my best not to get in his way. It was like two people thrown into a waltz and I was the one who kept stepping on his toes.
When Sadie texted asking if I wanted to meet for lunch so we could catch up since I haven’t seen her much with Niko’s family in town, I jumped at the opportunity.
I need to work through my jumbled thoughts with someone if I’m going to be able to handle living in the same space as Connor for the next week or two.
I walk into the restaurant and immediately spot Sadie sitting at a table near the window, the purple streaks in her hair looking more vibrant than the last time I saw her.
As I weave my way through the vintage-looking tables, I take notice of the local art decorating the walls, giving this space a sense of community and welcoming vibe.
I give her shoulder a squeeze before taking the seat across from her.
“Your hair looks amazing! Did you just get it done?”
She flings it over her shoulder in a dramatic fashion.
“I did. I was nervous about meeting the rest of Niko’s family so I spent a day at the spa.
Now that they’re here, I need a break. So I thought lunch with my new favorite friend and hopefully all the details of her moving in with her high school sweetie would be the perfect reprieve. I want to know everything!”
Ten seconds in the same space as Sadie already has me feeling lighter. There’s something about her and the energy she carries. She makes everyone around her feel better.
The waitress stops by and we both order our food.
I wait for her to walk away before diving into all things Connor.
As soon as she’s gone, I lean in closer to Sadie.
She leans in as well, the two of us looking like we’re on some top secret mission, when all we’re here to do is gossip and sort through my feelings.
I almost laugh at the ridiculousness of it all but it’s been so long since I’ve had a girlfriend I could meet for lunch and gush about boys, so I embrace the joy, ready to spill my guts.
I open my mouth to tell her everything, but then remember that no one on the Bobcats knows about our fake marriage arrangement.
It’s going to be hard to sort through everything if I’m not absolutely honest about everything.
Sadie knows Connor well and is dating his best friend.
If anyone can help me figure him out, it’s her.
Can I trust her not to tell Niko? I don’t even know if it’s fair to ask that of her.
Would it be such a bad idea if she did tell him though?
“Are you okay?” Sadie whispers.
It’s then that I realize we’re both still leaning over the table. I drop my chin to my chest, unsure of what to do.
Sadie rests her hand on top of mine. “Hey. You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. It’s your business. But I just thought, from your text, that you needed someone to talk to. Does this have anything to do with the Bobcats playing against your ex soon?”
Well, fuck.
It wasn’t about that, but now that she’s bringing it up, it only adds to all of these conflicting feelings coursing through my body.
Every time I saw the game against St. Louis on the schedule, I pushed the terror away.
I thought that maybe, if I didn’t think about it, when the time came I’d be able to handle Bryan being in my new city.
And the fact that I’ll be up in the rafters during the game was enough for me to pretend I wouldn’t be affected.
I was dead wrong.
“Now that you mention it, I really don’t want to see his stupid, smug face, even if it’s only on the monitors in my commentating booth.”
Sadie gives me a reassuring smile. “I’m sure it’s not going to be easy. But you know me and the girls are here for you. Whatever you need.”
The reminder that I have a support system here makes the dread subside just a tad. I haven’t even talked to Connor about the matchup yet. I think neither of us want to bring up my ex-husband’s name, but we’re going to have to broach the subject sometime.
“Thanks, Sadie. I’ve been putting in the work at therapy, but being in a different state than him definitely helps. Knowing he’ll be in the same building as me makes my skin crawl.”
She reaches out and squeezes my forearm. “It’s going to be hard, but you’re strong. And if you’re feeling weak, lean on me. I got you.”
I look up to see the sincerity in her eyes.
Sadie has been my greatest support person outside of Tamara and Connor, and I trust her with almost anything.
It’s clear that not only can I lean on her when I need to, but I also can confide in her about anything.
Friends don’t keep secrets, right? Here goes nothing.
“I’m going to tell you something, and I need you not to freak out until I get through it all.”
Sadie’s curiosity is immediately piqued. I can see it in the way she folds her fingers under her chin and her eyebrows shoot up.
Here goes nothing.
“Connor and I got married.”
Sadie’s jaw drops for half a second before she shrieks. “You did what?”
“Shh! I told you not to freak out. Let me explain.”
She holds her finger up to me quickly and then grabs the attention of our waitress. “Hold on. I think I’m going to need something stronger than water for this conversation.”
I wait until the waitress drops off our food and a bloody mary for Sadie to fill her in on the rest. Sadie takes a long sip of her drink and sets it down on the table.
“Okay. Now I’m ready.”
“You know how bad my health has been, and I think I’ve also hinted at the fact that I don’t have the best financial situation since the divorce.”
Sadie grabs a fry and points it at me. “Yes. Your ex is a piece of shit just like Niko’s. I remember this conversation.” She pops the fry into her mouth, and I laugh at her candidness.
“Right. Well, Connor offered to pay for my hospital bills and any other costs that might accrue with the tests I needed to figure out what’s been going on.”
“But you don’t want to owe anyone anything,” she says nonchalantly while cutting her burger in half.
How the heck did she figure that out? She looks up at me and must see bewilderment all over my face.
“You won’t let me or any of the girls help with much.
” She shrugs. “I get it, though. No need to explain. You’ve been through a lot with your ex and want to stand on your own two feet.
Niko was like that for a while with Sophia. I’m guessing Connor was persistent?”
I stab a piece of lettuce with my fork and huff out a laugh.
“Pretty much. He’s always been pretty protective over the people he cares about.
He’s like that on the ice and I’m sure you’ve seen it plenty of times off it, too.
” Sadie nods but doesn’t say anything so I continue.
“Well, after the fainting spell at the bar, he was extremely worried and desperate to help me. After I told him my job doesn’t include insurance this season, he offered to pay for the tests again, but I was adamant about not accepting his money.
So, he told me to marry him and use his insurance. ”
When I look up from my food, I see Sadie has abandoned her lunch and is sitting back in her chair. Shock is written all over her face but there’s a ghost of a smile hidden behind it.
“And you agreed? Avery, I am shocked.” She places her hand over her heart and I toss my straw wrapper at her.
“Stop! I didn’t agree right away. I talked to Tamara about it for a bit and she made me see that Connor had a point.
He’s already paying for the best insurance there is to offer, so why not put it to use?
I also think she had ulterior motives when she urged me to accept, and I’m starting to think I should thank her because… ”
Sadie scoots forward in her chair now, hanging onto my every word.
“Oh my god! You want a second chance with your high school sweetheart! This is just like a romance book Hunter and I read last month. It was so toxic. His sister never gave him the note she wrote when she left, and oh my gosh, I’m sorry!
This isn’t a book. It’s real life. I’m just so freaking excited! ”
This girl.
“Slow down, Sadie. It’s a bad idea.” I lean back in my chair, realizing now that she said it out loud, it’s absolutely crazy to think I should see where these feelings of mine might take me.
She reaches her hand out to me again and squeezes my arm. “No, it’s a great idea. I know it didn’t end well the first time, but you were just kids. You’re both adults now and have better heads on your shoulders. Tell me what’s been going on and why you think it’s such a bad idea.”
I replay the moment at his apartment earlier this morning and every moment that came before that. The kiss. The tilt table test. The way he’s researched and knows just as much about POTS as I do now. The way he looks at me.
“The way he kissed me at the courthouse—”
Sadie’s eyes bulge and she chokes on her bloody mary. “Sorry. Wrong pipe. You kissed?”
I can almost feel his lips pressed against mine when I close my eyes every night. It’s all I think about when I’m alone. I bring my finger up to my lips as I remember the way it felt.
“We did. And it was perfect. And he’s been so amazing, researching POTS and advocating for me, even when I don’t ask him to. He sends me food because he knows I get lost in my work and forget to eat sometimes. He redid an entire guest bedroom for me in my favorite color.”
Sadie’s smile stretches across her entire face. “I’m not seeing why this is such a bad idea. He clearly still has feelings for you. And by the blush creeping up your neck, I think the feeling is mutual.”
I bury my face in my hands. She’s right. I have a crush on my ex-boyfriend.
Looking up at her, I ask, “What if it doesn’t work out again? I was barely able to put myself together after the last time he left me.”
Sadie tilts her head, her smiling shrinking but still there.
“In the words of the man I love, but what if it does work?”
Life has not been kind to me over the past couple of years.
I’ve been conditioned to always see and think the worst of people.
I’ve been through so much, so many people and even my own body letting me down, I stopped being optimistic.
Sitting here with Sadie and thinking about everything she has done for me, everything Connor and Katie and the entire Bobcats organization has done for me, maybe this chapter doesn’t have to end tragically.
Maybe, just maybe, I can get my happy ending after all.
I smile at Sadie, my cheeks hurting from the intensity of it.
“All right, Sades. I’m in. If life really is giving me another shot at love, I really don’t want to fuck this one up. I’m gonna need your help.”
She raises her bloody mary glass, and I grab my water, lifting it to hers.
“Project second-chance romance starts now. Let’s get you your man back.”