Chapter 20 #2
“Don’t you know, Nathan, that I don’t need the universe, just you?
” she whispered back. Then she buried her face against his neck and tried to commit every second of this to memory just in case she landed back in Stephen Joseph’s hands.
If she did, then this moment had to last her the rest of her life. However long that might be.
August 10th
2:37 P.M.
If he didn't have a weapon in his hands, his head constantly on a swivel as he surveyed the landscape, continually checking for both animals and humans who might wish them harm, he could almost believe this was a date.
Emma’s hand was in his, and although he knew she was struggling, she hadn't complained once. She’d done everything he’d asked of her without argument, and she’d even let him make love to her.
Like he’d told her earlier, he would have preferred to be able to take his time, worship her, give her the attention that she deserved, but he was powerless to say no to anything this woman asked of him.
Too bad he couldn’t wrap the universe in a bright bow and hand it to her. She said she didn't need the universe, just him, but he wasn't enough. Not when he’d failed her.
Although Emma had a different take on things. One he hadn't considered before. To him, it was black and white. You either saved someone’s life or you didn't. It was as simple as that. Right now, he considered himself a failure because he didn't have Emma on a flight back home.
Could it be true what she’d said?
That he couldn’t lose her because a part of her already belonged to him?
“I have a savior complex,” he blurted out, causing Emma’s head to snap up to meet his gaze.
“Yeah, I could see that,” she said. “Makes sense given your job.”
“Started when I was a kid. My brother was sick with cancer, leukemia. I donated bone marrow that saved his life. He’s married now, has a few kids, has no idea what I do for a living, doesn’t know how saving his life changed mine forever.”
“How old were you?”
“Eight.”
“Just a baby.”
“Yeah,” he agreed. Now that he was looking back on it through the eyes of an adult, he realized that his parents had put enormous pressure on him, even though he knew they hadn't done it on purpose.
“Mom started drinking for a while, had to save her, too. And there was a girl, a neighbor, who was being abused. I tried to get her out. Managed it, too, but they wound up sending her back, and her dad killed her.”
“You know that’s not on you, right?” Emma’s fingers tightened around his, and she stopped walking, tugging him until he turned to face her. “You can't save everyone, Nathan. I know you realize that.”
“Know it, but don’t know it,” he admitted.
Of course, he wasn't stupid. He was aware of the fact that death happened, nobody could save everyone, no matter how much they wanted to.
But none of that eliminated this driving need that lived inside him.
He had to save, had to, it wasn't a choice, it was a compulsion.
If he didn't save, he wasn't … anything.
“Then let me say it again.” Her hands lifted to curl into the front of his tactical vest. “You can't save everyone. You’ve already saved so many people, Nathan. You care about everyone, and you see the world in black and white. But it’s not black and white, there are a million shades of gray.
There’s color too. Yellow, orange, pink, red, green, purple, blue.
So many colors, Nathan. Don’t miss out on their beauty because you only want to see the black and the white. ”
“How do you already know me so well?” he asked in wonder as he brushed his knuckles over her cheek.
She smiled up at him. “I don’t know. I just see …
you. I saw your goodness back when I was locked in that cage.
I knew you were different even when that didn't make any sense to me. That’s why I was hurt when I thought you had been lying to me all along.
I see the colors in you, Nathan. I see the blue, that’s your sadness because you think you're a failure. I see the red, that’s your anger because evil people exist, and you can't understand how anyone can want to hurt another person. I see the green trying to creep in, that’s the peace and calm that you deny yourself.
Maybe it’s time to let yourself experience some of that green.
You deserve it, Nathan. The weight of the entire world isn’t on your shoulders.
You deserve to be happy, too, even if that means someone dies because you weren't being vigilant.”
No one had ever spoken to him like that before.
Falcon often mentioned his savior complex and that maybe it was time to ease up on it a bit, but that was different.
Falcon was his boss, who paid him to save people.
Of course, there was a friendship between them, a kinship that everyone at Prey was part of, but their relationship always reinforced his need to save because that’s why he’d taken the job with Prey in the first place.
“How’d you get to be so smart?” he teased, leaning down to rest his forehead on hers.
“Can you tell my third graders that when we get home? Sometimes they act like anyone over ten is stupid,” she said with a giggle that was the prettiest sound he’d heard in his life.
“I’ll do just that, blondie.” If she was making jokes like that with him, then he had to believe they could overcome how they’d met and maybe have a future where they could both find happiness and peace.
“Then we’d better keep—”
When she broke off abruptly, his head jerked up. Maybe he couldn’t save everyone, and he had to work on accepting that, but that didn't mean he could slack off while on a job. Scanning the landscape, when he spotted a sleepy-looking face in the grass a mere fifteen or so yards away, he froze.
“Is that … a cheetah?” Emma asked.
“Looks like it, blondie.” The animal was impressive and beautiful, as it blinked and looked around. He had no idea whether it had spotted them, but he had to assume that it had.
“Is it dangerous? Will it attack us?”
“Nah, I don’t think so. Cheetahs rarely attack humans. They’re shy, prefer to use their speed, and run if they feel like they're in danger. There are even times they’ll lie down next to people, wildlife photographers, and sleep beside them. They’re beautiful animals, but not a threat to us.”
“Wow, he’s gorgeous. Or she,” Emma added as the cheetah who had been snoozing in the long grass, camouflaged to the point where they probably would have walked right past it if it hadn't lifted its head, stood, giving them a curious look.
Then it did a big cat stretch, and they may as well have been watching an overgrown domestic cat. “Oh, look how cute,” Emma gushed.
“It is stunning,” he agreed, but it was also a wake-up call that he’d been distracted and almost gotten them into trouble. What if it had been a lion napping in the grass and not a harmless cheetah?
“I've never seen one before, never been anywhere like this. Maybe one day I’d like to come back to Africa, do a safari, enjoy this beautiful continent rather than be dragged here against my will.”
She hadn't talked about what had happened to her while she’d been with Stephen Joseph, and he still wasn't going to push her, but he knew whatever it was hadn't been pretty.
But she was still standing, wasn't giving up, had been enacting her own plan to escape when he’d found her, all of that made him believe that she would be able to recover from this ordeal.
It would leave scars, both physical and psychological, but she had a huge family at home to support her, and she had him.
He'd burn the world to the ground for her, kill anyone who touched her wrong. Hell, he’d kill anyone who looked at her wrong.
“Look, Nathan, it’s walking in our direction,” Emma squealed, but in delight, not in fear.
They both watched as the cheetah meandered a little toward them, then it paused, yawned, stretched again, and took off in a run, passing them almost close enough to touch.
“That was amazing,” Emma said with a sigh. “But I'm not sure I want to meet any of Kenya’s other animals that close. Definitely not the big five,” she added. “Lion, leopard, elephant, rhino, and buffalo, right?”
“Right,” he agreed. “And I'm not too keen on seeing any myself. At least not unless we were safely tucked inside a jeep.”
They’d spotted some giraffes earlier, antelope grazing, a few warthogs, but so far they hadn't spotted anything dangerous, and he wanted to keep it that way. He wasn't losing his girl to an animal, just like he wasn't losing her to the sadistic monster who’d bought her.
“We’ll definitely come and safari here one day,” he told her as he shifted his weapon in his hand and refocused his attention on their surroundings. They could still talk as they walked, but he wasn't going to get distracted again. “But right now we have to get walking again.”
Emma sighed, and he knew she had to be utterly exhausted, but she just nodded and started walking alongside him again when he moved.
The trust she was putting in him should be all the motivation he needed to keep focused.
Maybe she’d been right in everything she’d told him earlier, but if there was one person he had to save, couldn’t handle failing, then it was the pretty blonde whose fingers were currently tangled with his.