Chapter 26
twenty-six
Iwent numb an hour ago. The hospital is keeping Dad in a room until we say our final goodbyes.
I don’t want to do it. The thought of seeing his dead body literally makes me nauseous.
I don’t want my last memories of him to be on a hospital bed.
I’d rather remember him how he was tonight before I left, but Will feels it’s something he needs to do.
He doesn’t want to do it by himself, though.
So here I am standing outside of a hospital room, ready to say goodbye to my father’s dead body.
I think back to the last time I saw him.
I was about to leave the house for the game.
He was sleeping in his chair, but I didn’t want to leave without a hug, so I woke him up.
I expected him to be out of it, but his mind was clear.
He stood and gave me a huge hug. One like he used to give me when I was a kid.
I could feel it all the way in my bones.
Then he told me he loved me. I said it back to him, but I didn’t realize how important that one moment would be. How it would be seared into my brain as a core memory I will never forget.
I don’t know what made me wake him up, but I am grateful for it. I might not have gotten to tell him goodbye, but he knew I loved him. That’s all that matters.
“You ready?” Will asks, tears still on his face.
I nod.
He opens the door, and we both step inside.
Dad looks like he’s sleeping. If I didn’t know he was dead, I wouldn’t know any better. They have no monitors hooked up to him, but they have a blanket over his lap, his arms lying on top, as if he will wake up at any moment and tell one of his silly dad jokes.
I can almost hear his voice now. The laugh he would let out when he made us laugh.
Will moves closer, so I do as well. His skin is gray. When I reach out to touch his hand, all I feel is coolness. There is no warmth.
“Dad, I’m sorry. I should have checked on you sooner. Maybe I would have been able to save you,” Will cries.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I tell him. “He had a heart attack. They said he went quick. There was nothing you could have done,” I remind him.
They said with our family history of heart disease, it wasn’t uncommon. Between that and all the medications he was on for his various health conditions, it was bound to happen at any moment.
It doesn’t make it any easier, but at least he is no longer suffering.
“I know, Lyla. Still, I feel guilty.”
He doesn’t need to explain it. I feel the same. Dad died thinking Wyatt and I were a real thing. He thought I had someone to take care of me. It makes me wonder if that didn’t contribute to him finally letting go.
A sour taste enters my mouth as I feel like I am about to puke. We lied to him over and over. Even when he was lucid, we played the charade. He never got to know the truth.
“Daddy, I am so sorry. I love you so much. Please forgive me,” I whisper to him.
He doesn’t answer, of course, but it feels good to say the words out loud.
“What are you sorry for?” Will asks.
I meet his eyes. “Wyatt and I aren’t really dating. It’s an arrangement to keep Kyle off my back and puck bunnies off of his. We lied. Dad died thinking I had a good man, but it was all a lie.”
Will reaches across Dad’s body to grab my hand. “Lyla, it might have started as fake, but that man loves you. I can tell by the way he looks at you.”
I shake my head. “I can’t be with him,” I choke out. “I can’t keep up the lie. I need to end it.”
“Don’t do anything drastic. Let’s deal with this, then reevaluate,” he urges me.
I nod, but that’s also a lie. I know I can’t keep doing it anymore. I need to uncomplicate my life, starting with Wyatt. Even if it hurts. Nothing can hurt more than the pain I am in now. I will endure.
“Let’s go home,” I tell him.
He nods, looking down at Dad. I step out of the room, giving him a minute alone. When he steps out, I grab his hand.
I don’t need anyone else. I have Will. Together we can face the world.
“You know this means you can have a life again,” I joke with him.
He gives me a tight smile. “I liked my life just fine the way it was. I’m not leaving you now that he’s gone. Nothing has to change.”
He’s wrong, though. Everything has changed. My heart is now empty. I feel hollow. Like there is a piece missing.
“Hey, I can give you a ride home,” Wyatt says as soon as we step into the waiting room.
Behind him, I see Kellan, Jason, Calvin, and Cora. They all came.
“I’m going to ride with Will, but thank you,” I tell him.
Then I look to Cora. “Thank you for rushing me here. It means a lot.”
She comes over and hugs me. “I’m so sorry, Lyla. I’m here anytime.”
“Thank you.”
I pull back, offering the others a small smile before I head out with Will.
Wyatt calls out as soon as we are in the parking lot.
“Talk to him,” Will tells me.
I nod, turning to wait for Wyatt to catch up.
“I will keep my phone on. If you need me, call. I will be right there.” He cups my cheek.
“Thank you.” I squeeze my eyes shut, “I think I need some space. This was all supposed to be fake, and right now I can’t. I just…can’t.”
He nods. “I’m whatever you need, Lyla. Always have been. I’ll be here when you decide you can. Or if you just need a hug. Or someone to sit silently with while you process. Whatever it takes.”
I nod. “I’ll talk to you later, Wyatt.”
He lets me go. I know he’s standing there watching me walk to my brother’s car, but I don’t turn to look. I can’t. I might break again if I do. I only have the mental capacity to deal with one tragedy right now.
I already lost my dad.
I can’t think about losing Wyatt too.
It’s only been two days, but I am climbing the walls.
She hasn’t reached out at all. I know she has read my daily texts asking if she’s okay and reminding her I’m here.
Still, she hasn’t even liked the message.
She leaves me on read, which only makes me worry about her more.
If it wasn’t for Will giving me daily updates about her, I would be at her house.
I know she is physically okay, but it’s her mental state that’s in the most danger.
“Dude, you need to chill out. You have been pacing for two days,” Kellan tells me.
“I can’t settle down. What if she’s not okay? Lyla is a strong girl. She is very stoic. Feels like she has to do everything herself. I don’t want her suffering alone when I’m right here waiting for her,” I ramble.
“She sounds an awful lot like my best bud Wyatt. I don’t know where he is right now, though, because the guy I see in front of me isn’t him,” Kellan jokes.
I narrow my eyes at him. “You all have complained about me never talking, and now that I do, it’s a problem?”
He holds up his hands. “I didn’t say it was a problem. I was just saying that you have always been the rock of the group. The steady one everyone comes to when they need clarity. It’s jarring to see you so out of sorts. I knew you liked this girl, but I didn’t realize you loved her.”
“Why wouldn’t I? She’s fucking perfect.”
The front door opens, drawing both of our attention. I groan when I see all of my friends and their women filing in.
“What the fuck are you doing here? You have a game tonight,” I curse at Clay and Beckett.
“Bereavement leave. Kellan said the funeral is tomorrow. We weren’t going to miss it,” Clay tells me.
“Is she doing okay?” Grace asks.
“Of course she isn’t,” Peyton scoffs. “She lost her father.”
Beckett pulls Peyton in, kissing the side of her head. She was a foster child, so family means something a little different to her.
“I swear, Brett. I am going to punch you,” I hear Emery yell as Brett comes through the door with my niece in his arms.
“You love me,” he calls back.
“Why is she mad at you now?” Beckett asks.
He grins. “She said she was getting the baby, but I told her no way. This is my bundle of joy.”
Emery steps through the door, looking like she has been through the wringer.
“The day you push a ten-centimeter head through your penis will be the day you can claim her as your bundle of joy. I went through the pain, I get the glory.”
Beckett chokes while Clay hides his face in Grace’s neck to stop from laughing. I crack a small smile, the familiarity of my people being in one room together again like a balm to my soul.
“Don’t worry, pumpkin. Mommy doesn’t mean it,” Brett whispers to his daughter.
“Hey, Wyatt.” Emery comes over, hugging me. “How are you holding up?”
“I’m fine,” I mutter.
“He’s a hot mess. Won’t stop pacing.” Kellan rats me out.
I shoot him a glare.
“That’s allowed,” Emery tells him.
Cora comes down the hall moments later squealing, which prompts Jason and Calvin to come out of their rooms to see what the commotion is.
With everyone gathered, I feel the pressure building. I have been keeping everything bottled up, and now it’s about time to let it blow.
“Guys, Lyla and I aren’t dating,” I tell them.
“What? Did you break up?” Cora asks, looking angry.
“If she broke up with you, it’s the pain talking. She will come to her senses,” Emery tells me.
I shake my head. “No. I mean, this whole thing has been fake. Or at least for her it was. I told her I needed her to fake date me to keep girls off my back.”
Brett snorts. “Jesus, she bought that lie?”
I glare at him, which only makes him laugh harder.
“What the hell is going on?” Clay steps in, the OG captain of this group.
I hang my head. “I have been in love with Lyla since freshman year. She was dating that douche canoe Kyle, though. So I waited. Then when he made the mistake of letting her go, I swooped in, but she wasn’t ready for the real thing. I was scared. I didn’t want to lose my shot, so I made it all up.”
“That girl doesn’t have fake feelings for you,” Cora adds.
“I think her feelings are real, but she won’t talk to me now. She said she needed space. I’m worried that when she is done with this space, she won’t need me anymore. I have no idea what to do,” I admit.
“Wow. I never thought I would see the day,” Brett mutters.
“Shut up, Brett,” Emery says, smacking him across the back of his head.
“Ow. Fuck,” he curses.
“Language,” she chastises him.
He frowns, rubbing his head, but doesn’t say another word.
Peyton steps forward. “She was close to her dad?”
I nod.
She gives me a sad smile. “Then she is trying to process those feelings. Sometimes we need to compartmentalize. Since you started as fake, she was likely already confused by whatever is going on between you two. Now she can’t think about it because her mind is preoccupied.
All you can do is be there for her. I can’t promise you that she will come back, but if you love her, you want what’s best for her, right? ”
I nod.
“Good. Then you let her decide what that is. Even if that’s not you.”
Peyton’s words cut like a knife, but I know it’s the truth. It’s the advice I would give myself if I were an unbiased outsider.
Still doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
I click the side button on my phone, bringing up her picture. She is beautiful, smart, and funny. Everything I imagined she would be and more.
I don’t want to lose her, but I meant what I said to her.
I would be whatever she needs, even if it means I need to be a ghost.
I only hope it doesn’t kill me in the process.