Chapter Eleven
“ Y ou look tired.”
“Hmm? Oh, yeah, sorry.” Mia shot her father a quick smile, but she couldn’t deny that it was probably tired around the edges. It had been two days since she had talked to Gabriel, and she had barely slept at all. “Is it alright if I go ahead and head up to bed? I’m not feeling well.”
It would have been impossible to miss the concern, or the way his eyes traveled over her, looking for an explanation for her odd behavior lately. It caused a pang in her heart, the secrets she was keeping from him, but she knew he would only worry more if she told him now, before she had the words to explain it all.
“I don’t mind. Get some rest, I’ll make you pancakes in the morning.”
“You make the best pancakes.” She lingered over the hug she gave him, misty eyed with exhaustion and uncertainty about her future. He had always loved her, but she knew he wouldn’t understand what was keeping her up at night.
There were crumpled papers crunched under feet as she walked across her bedroom, failed drafts of a letter she couldn’t seem to get quite right. She’d spent every free minute writing and rewriting it, but she couldn’t find the words to express her complicated feelings.
The image of Gabriel in her mind had shifted from a lost and lonely boy to an attractive man. She was afraid that their relationship had shifted, too. It had begun as a friendship, but now there was a connection between them, a hot and bright line that held more than friendly affection.
She had stared at her picture of him until she’d memorized every detail of his face. She knew the exact location of every freckle and the precise shade of his eyes, could have drawn the slope of his lips in her sleep. If he’d been able to, she would’ve wanted him to press those lips to hers, so she could discover the warmth and the taste of him.
They had never even seen each other in person, and it surprised her that her thoughts had become so impure, but Gabriel knew her deeply, all of her faults and her flaws, and she trusted him despite his circumstances. The way he treated her was a stark contrast to James’ superficial interest, a distinction that she was finally able to recognize and appreciate for what it was. James cared about her impact on his image and Gabriel cared about her as a person.
It was easy to fantasize that his interest would carry him to wanting to know her more intimately, that his kisses would not be polite requirements but demonstrations of passion. Kissing James had been tedious, but kissing Gabriel …
Would he really want that? Could he feel that way about her? And was it fair to either of them, considering his circumstances, for her to ask? She wanted to hope that she could convince him to ask for a new trial, but even if they gave him one, there were no guarantees that the jury would give him a different sentence. She might not have happily-ever-after hopes, the kind that would take some kind of miracle to achieve, but maybe it was better to grab onto what little they could get right now. It might be better than nothing at all.
She reached into her bedside drawer for a pen and paper, but let it drop when her phone rang. Her brief hope that it might be him died away when she saw another familiar name on the screen. She silenced the call with a swipe of her thumb and turned her back on the caller. There was no way that she could stay mad at Lilly forever for telling James about Gabriel, but she couldn’t devote the mental and emotional energy to deal with her friend right now.
The bed creaked under her as she flopped down on her stomach, pen and paper in hand. She had been trying to write this letter using her head, and that would never work because what she felt for him wasn’t rational. He had told her once to follow her heart, and there was nothing left for her to do.
“Are you going to open it?”
“Yeah.”
“Sometime today?”
Gabriel looked at Alex, sitting on the side of his own bunk, watching. He’d been sitting here staring at the envelope for at least five minutes, so the question wasn’t entirely unreasonable. “Probably … Maybe.” He winced, rolling his shoulder in an uncertain shrug. “I don’t know.”
Alex shook his head and leaned back against his own pillow. “It’s going to say the same thing no matter when you open it. You might as well stop being a coward and get it over with.”
“Yeah. Maybe I just won’t open it.” Gabriel tapped the envelope against his thigh. He knew he’d crossed a line during their last call. She’d brought it up, and he didn’t know why, but he’d fucked it up worse by saying something that might have made her uncomfortable and ruined their friendship.
“That’s really fucking stupid, you know that right? What if she actually has feelings for you? Isn’t that kind of what you two were hinting at the last time you talked to her?”
“I don’t know, but that would be the worst fucking thing for her. Because then what? We can’t be together. I can’t marry her or give her a family. She’d be wasting her fucking life. If I was a decent man, I would throw that letter in the trash, and never write to her again.”
“Good thing you aren’t a decent man. You’re a murderer and a prisoner, for once use it to your advantage and open the damn letter.”
Gabriel’s fingers shook as he tore the envelope and swallowed hard against the urge to run away from facing what she had to say, convinced that it would kill him, no matter what it was.
Gabriel,
I’ve started this letter over more times in the last two days than I can count and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever written.
Dread settled in the pit of his stomach like a stone, and he was suddenly numb and cold. She regretted what she’d said and was going to do the right thing and free herself from him before he could ruin her life. He understood but the loss of one more thing that he cared about might be more than he could bear.
I know what I said to you on the phone wasn’t fair.
You’ve never acted like you wanted to be anything more than my friend, and I put you in an uncomfortable position. I realize now that you might have worried it would jeopardize our friendship if you told me that you don’t think of me as anything more than that. That was not my intention, and it was especially unkind of me, because you have come to depend on me to be your only connection to the outside world, and I don’t want you to be concerned that I would take that from you.
He couldn’t believe her, how caring she was and how sensitive to his feelings. She thought he might feel taken advantage of and she was worried about him. Was she afraid that he didn’t want her, but he’d feel obligated to pretend otherwise? He wanted to pick her up and hold her, to kiss her until she knew that nothing, she wanted could ever feel like an obligation to him. Not with the way he felt about her.
Our friendship has become one of the most important things in my life. That will be true no matter what you have to say to me after reading this letter. I mean that, and I hope that we can be honest with each other about our feelings, even if you don’t feel the same way that I do, because I need to be honest with you about something.
I lied to you.
When I told you that I wasn’t sure about my relationship with James, I said it was because I had never been turned on by anyone before but that isn’t true.
I’ve been turned on by you.
Alex chuckled at the choked sound he made, and Gabriel glared at him before turning his attention back to the page.
I feel something when I hear your voice, when I see your face in the picture that you sent me, when I read the words that you’ve written to me over all these weeks. Friendship, yes, but it’s more than that. It’s a heat beneath my skin, a fluttering in my stomach, an ache in my body that I’ve never felt for anyone else, and I needed you to know.
He reread her words again, sure that he must have misunderstood, but their meaning didn’t change, and he glanced at Alex, suddenly uncomfortable that he was so close and watching with such interest. Sharing such a small space was hard enough when it had been his own vulnerable emotions on display, but it was worse somehow when Mia was talking to him about this. She was inexperienced and must have felt so exposed to speak to him so openly. Alex’s presence felt like a violation of her privacy, even if he couldn’t see her words.
He would have waited to open the letter until his cellmate wasn’t around, but he hadn’t expected her to tell him this. He’d been denying and fighting his own attraction for so long, sure that she would never feel the same. His only hope had been that Mia felt some kind of emotional connection to him, a friendship and someone to care what happened to him, the idea that she might feel something sexual for him simply had not occurred to him.
They’d never met, but her pictures on the wall mocked him, a potent reminder that lust was perfectly able to flourish from something as simple as a photo and a phone call. He would never forget the way he had felt when she’d answered the phone for the first time. Hearing her sweet lilting voice had been one of the best experiences of his life.
He’d been ashamed of it, had felt like a creep for the way he’d felt about her, but if she felt the same way …
I needed you to know that no matter how you feel about me, I have strong feelings for you. I know I said I wouldn’t push for you to ask for a new trial, but I’m going to do it anyway. Please, if you feel the same way I do, if you want the chance to see what there might be between us, fight for your future. I’ll help you.
I’ll always be your friend, but I wish I could be more.
MIA
“If I were a decent man …” But the letter was clutched protectively in his hand, and he didn’t know how to let her go.
“You’re not.” Alex reminded him. “And I don’t think she wants you to be. Seems like she had one of those and decided she liked you better. So, whatever she said to you, say it back. Then ask her to send nudes.”
Gabriel glared at him. “You know the guards would confiscate that shit, besides she’s not like that.”
Alex snorted. “Women in love do crazy things.”
Gabriel’s heart, already pounding impossibly fast, somehow beat faster. “She’s not in love with me.”
“Isn’t she?”
Gabriel looked at Mia’s letter again. He was a selfish man and he wanted that from her, even if he only ever had her through the letters she sent.
“She didn’t say that she was,” he clarified carefully.
“Did you? Because we both know that you’re in love with her.” Alex didn’t wait for an answer before he shook his head and gestured at the letter. “It doesn’t matter if she said it, you know it’s true.”
She was too happy to be angry anymore. Her most recent phone call with Gabriel had pasted a smile on her face that didn’t waver when Lilly pulled out a chair and sat down beside her in the library.
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
Mia nodded. “I have and I’d say that I was sorry, but it would be a lie. You told James about Gabriel, and you did it without talking to me about it.”
Lilly winced, but she didn’t deny it. “I thought I was helping you. This thing with Gabriel …” she drifted off, and her brows drew together in disapproval. “I’m worried.”
“I know you meant well which is why I’m not avoiding you anymore.”
Lilly relaxed, a soft sigh escaping her as she reached into her bag. “Does this mean that you’ve worked things out with James?” She pulled out a bar of chocolate and split it between them
“No,” Mia said with a laugh. Several of the other students turned to glare at her, but she ignored them. “It means I’ve forgiven you because I don’t care at all what James thinks anymore.”
“He’s a good man—”
“He didn’t love me,” Mia cut in. “I’m not even sure he liked me, really, and I deserve someone who does.”
“Of course you do,” Lilly agreed. “I just wanted you to be happy.”
“I am happy.” The memory of Gabriel’s phone call flashed through her mind, how he hadn’t even bothered to say hello when she answered.
“I want you,” he’d said breathlessly. “I want you so much and I didn’t know how to tell you and I didn’t think you’d feel the same. I don’t know what the hell we’re doing, and you have a whole life ahead of you that I don’t want to ruin but if you want me, I’ll try everything I can to get out of here. The guys that spend all their free time helping the other inmates with legal shit agreed to help me file the petition. If they approve it and I have to go through a whole new trial, then that’s what I’ll do.”
“What are you smiling at?” Lilly asked. “Did something happen? Wait, do you have a new guy?”
“No, not a new one,” Mia considered not telling her, but it was bubbling inside her, a secret that begged to be shared. “It’s just … it’s Gabriel.”
The look of horror on Lilly’s face was almost comical. “No … Mia, I don’t even know what to say. I knew something was going on with you two.”
“You don’t have to say anything …”
“Does your dad know about this?”
“No,” Mia shook her head. “He doesn’t need to.”
“I guess,” Lilly said doubtfully. “What do you even see in him? He’s a murderer, Mia.”
“He’s given me support, encouragement, and unconditional friendship. All of that has helped me become more confident and through him, it’s become truly clear to me that God has called me in a different way than we all expected.”
“You still think God called you to Gabriel?”
“Yeah, I really do.”
Lilly sighed, clearly defeated. “He can’t give you a family,” she said, hitting the concern that lay closest to Mia’s heart. “You always wanted a family.”
“I still want one,” Mia said slowly. There was no point in mentioning that they were trying to get him out. Not yet. Lilly’s concerns might very well still turn out to be the reality of her future and it was one she was deeply afraid of. She had nothing but her faith to lean on. “I’m just going to trust that God has led me this far and He’ll lead me the rest of the way.”