Chapter Twelve
A lex didn’t comment on his increased masturbation habits, which Gabriel was extremely grateful for. They each tried to give the other what little privacy they could, but there wasn’t much to be had and it mostly all came down to them pretending not to be aware of the other’s activities. There were some things that they just didn’t acknowledge and that included one another’s bathroom habits and how often they each felt the urge to take their sexual needs into their own hands. It was as much a reality of prison life as the terrible food and the inescapable smells.
For the three years that they had been trapped in this hell together, Alex had usually been the one with the more intense needs, but that had all changed once Mia realized how interested he was in her.
She hadn’t sent nudes, and he knew her well enough to know she wouldn’t be willing to have something like that confiscated. The photos that she had sent him with the last letter, however, were … suggestive. Her dress was cut a little lower, a hint of the top curve of her breast peeking out from beneath the pretty pink lace. She was still smiling, but her lips were slightly parted, and her eyes were soft and welcoming.
He knew that look, the one that invited a man in, and he wanted to pin her beneath him and feel her heat wrapped around him as throaty little moans poured from her lips. His hand was a poor substitute for her body, and he grit his teeth against the futility of the fantasy that drove him as he pumped himself into his fist with the image of her in his mind. She wanted him, she’d told him so, and if he could ever have gotten the hell out of here, he could have touched her and done all the things to her that he thought of doing when he was alone with nothing but his own rough stroking. He could have tasted her, felt her curves under his hands and her legs around his waist, whispered in her ear to tell her how beautiful she was, and everything she made him feel.
He tightened his grip, his mind running over with possibilities and his heart beating a fast rhythm that perfectly matched the punishing pace he set as his hand slid up his length and back down again. He tried to be quiet, but when he was this close it was hard to keep his breathing even and avoid making the sounds that were trapped behind his lips. Sounds he had to keep quiet now, but that he wanted to give to her. She would have known, then, how special she was, how much he wanted her, how much he loved her.
Maybe she would have even said it back.
That was the thought that drove him over the edge, that had his muscles tightening and ecstasy shooting across his mind like the streaks of light behind his eyes.
He laid on his bunk after he had cleaned the mess he’d made and wondered if she ever thought about him like this. It was hard for him to ask her, when their calls were monitored, and all of their letters were read. He didn’t want to embarrass her, knew that women that were raised as conservatively as she was were often hesitant to talk openly about sex. She might not even know that she could bring pleasure to her own body.
If she didn’t, he wished he could be the one to teach her.
He’d filed his paperwork with the court in mid-November, pointing out that his lawyers had not done a proper job of addressing his claims of abuse and the mountain of knowledge available in the scientific community about the ways that those things affect the brain and people’s behavior. It all amounted to a claim that he had not been properly represented, that his council had been ineffective.
If the court agreed, he would either be released entirely or get a new trial. Either way it would be a second chance. All they had to do now was wait.
“Merry Christmas!”
“Kennedy!” Mia hugged her and pulled her over to an empty seat. “I’m so glad you’re here! You haven’t come in a while, and I was getting worried.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t answer your texts.” She picked at the snowflake shaped sprinkle on the edge of her cupcake “Things haven’t been so great at home.”
“Your parents again?”
“Always,” she said, tipping her head back and closing her eyes with a deep sigh like she was offering her troubles up to an indifferent God. “I wish I could move out but every time I think I’ve got things ready they find a way to ruin it somehow.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Not really, I’ve missed all of you and I’m just glad to get out of the house and finally have a little distraction.”
Mia looked at the meeting room with its festive garland and the little tree trimmed in lights and decorations the kids had made in Sunday school. “Well, our Christmas party is something, but other than that we don’t have much distraction to offer.”
“Oh? I talked to Lilly before you got here, and she said you might have something to talk about?” She leaned forward, cupcake in her hand forgotten as she waited for the latest gossip.
Mia barely resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Lilly had never been good at keeping a secret. “It’s nothing, she’s upset right now because I’m not seeing James anymore.”
“That’s all?” Kennedy’s face fell, disappointment wiping the excitement away.
“No,” Mia sighed. “I guess she probably wanted me to tell you about Gabriel, too.”
“The prison guy?”
“Yeah.” Mia glanced around to make sure no one was listening nearby. “It’s really nothing but …” She paused, nibbling her lip as she tried to figure out how to explain what had happened between them.
“But?” Kennedy pressed.
“But I might have feelings for him,” Mia mumbled. “Feelings that he might also have about me.”
“So, he’s your boyfriend?”
“I don’t know.” Mia glanced around again. “Things are complicated and it’s hard with him being in prison.”
Kennedy frowned and hesitated before asking, “Are you two not …”
“Not what?”
“Sexting? Phone sex? Sexy letters?” She was clearly appalled when Mia didn’t seem familiar with any of those things. “You know?”
“I really don’t know? Do people really do that?”
“Definitely,” Kennedy said, a perplexed mix of shock and pity on her face. “I can’t believe you’re not doing that. He’s hot, right?”
“He’s attractive,” Mia said, but she was blushing profusely. It hadn’t been long since she and Gabriel had talked about any kind of feelings between them, but what if he did expect her to do those things? “The guards read all of our letters and record all of our phone calls,” she muttered weakly.
“If they want to listen to or read your sexy shit, let ‘em,” Kennedy continued with a shrug, clearly unbothered by the thought.
The last bit carried in the small room, and Mrs. Newberry glared at them. “Language, please, ladies.”
Kennedy gave her tight smile as Mia leaned in and whispered, “Have you … you know?”
“I can’t date, remember? That’s the closest I’m gonna get to a real girlfriend until I can move out of my parent’s house.”
It made sense, but it had never occurred to Mia that even Kennedy had more sexual experience than she did because her parents were so controlling. What had she been missing out on all this time?
The conversation lingered in the back of her mind as she waited for Gabriel to call that weekend, unable to stop turning over everything Kennedy had told her …
“Gabriel?” she asked, interrupting him as he asked about her day.
“Yeah?”
“Have you had sex before? I know you were young but …”
“I’ve had sex before,” he interrupted, and she knew that somehow this was one of those mysterious things connected to what had happened to him that he would be reluctant to talk about.
“Do you …” she hesitated before pressing on cautiously, “Do you think it’s wrong for people who aren’t married to have sex?” She’d said she wasn’t going to demand answers about his past, but she didn’t want to drop the subject entirely.
There was a long pause, and she could almost feel the thoughts swirling inside his mind as he tried to figure out how to answer that question. “I don’t think so,” he said finally. “Especially if they care about each other.”
“I care about you,” she told him huskily.
“I care about you, too,” he said, but there was a note of hesitation there, a hint of confusion. He obviously couldn’t see where she was going with this conversation, and she was too shy to announce suddenly that she thought she might want to try having a long-distance sexual relationship.
“If you weren’t in prison, you’d be kind of like a boyfriend, right?” she asked instead.
“I think so,” he told her. “I don’t think we’ve used that word before, but I would be if I could.”
“And, if you were out here with me, would you want to have sex with me?”
“Of course.” His voice relaxed a little, like he had decided that she was asking for him to reaffirm his feelings for her. “I’d give anything to even be able to kiss you.”
“Gabriel?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you know what phone sex is?”
There was a loud crash on the other end of the line, and she realized with a startled giggle that he had dropped the phone.
“Mia? Are you still there?” He sounded panicked and she couldn’t quite stifle another laugh.
“I’m still here,” she assured him. “What happened?”
“Nothing. I just … I know what that is.”
“Oh, okay,” she said. There was no way to find out except to ask. “I know you probably don’t have that kind of privacy and there’s always a chance someone could be listening since the calls are monitored but …”
“Wait, are you asking if there’s some way that we could share some kind of sexual relationship?”
“Yes, exactly.” She could feel the heat of her blush from her chest to her hairline, but she wasn’t backing down now. “You said you wanted me, and I want you, too.”
“I do but … What if I never get out of here? I don’t want to hurt you or get your hopes up that we can be more than what we are now.”
“I know.” She’d thought about that, too, and how much more it would hurt them both if that happened. Eventually they would have to end things, wouldn’t they? She’d have to move on, have a life and a family but … “I know it’s selfish of me and we might regret it someday, but I want what I can have now.”
“It’s not selfish, I just … Damn it.” She imagined him looking around before his voice dropped low, clearly trying not to be overheard as he whispered. “Have you ever touched yourself, sweetheart?”
She whimpered, pressing her thighs together as that honeyed voice flowed over her. “No, I haven’t,” she admitted. “I was ashamed because it’s supposed to be a sin, but I don’t think I’d be ashamed of it with you. I’m trying out a rebellious streak, you know?”
“I’ve noticed, and it makes me so proud of you when you stand up for what you want.”
She swallowed and heat bloomed in her stomach. Why did that always happen when he talked to her like this? When he was proud of her and happy because of something she’d done?
“I want you,” she said quietly. “I want to do this with you, if you’ll tell me how.”
“Can you try touching yourself tonight? For me? Think of me when you do, and then write me a letter to tell me if you liked it. Would you like to do that?”
“Yes, I think I’d like to try that. Would it make you happy if I did?”
“Everything you do makes me happy, but this? That would be incredible, baby.”
Mia felt like her bones had gone liquid. “I like it when you call me that. Can you do it more often?”
“Baby, I’ll call you any name you like.”
It was harder than she thought it would be. Without his voice in her ear to encourage her, her mind drifted to the other voices she had heard in her life. Sex outside of the marriage bed, where even touching oneself was frowned upon. It was a sin, an offense against God and her future husband. But if she had a future husband, she realized, it wouldn’t be Gabriel and not offending some man she hadn’t even met yet was suddenly less important than having whatever she could with him right now.
She’d never noticed how quiet her room was at night, or how clearly sounds traveled when you were trying to be sneaky. Her heart was beating so loud that she was afraid her father would hear it and come to investigate, to find out what was wrong with her. When he didn’t appear, she tried to focus on her conversation with Gabriel, on his hastily whispered instructions on what she should do with her hands.
The idea of doing that with her fingers was intimidating, but he’d promised her that if she thought of something that excited her, her body would be ready and it would be pleasurable. She tried to remember the exact sound of his voice when he told her what to do, how it had gotten deep and husky with desire for her, and when she found the places he’d described for her, the slick wetness he’d told her about was there.
It was strange, learning about her own body and experiencing sensations she’d never felt before, but she moved her hand experimentally, rubbing where it felt good and exploring the walls of that hidden place with her fingers like Gabriel had encouraged her to do.
There was a pang of sadness that he wasn’t here to see how much she liked it. He would’ve wanted to touch her here, maybe even join their bodies together in the way she’d read about in health class. It had seemed cold and frightening then, but now she thought it would have been so nice to let him know what it felt like to have someone else touch her the way she was touching herself.
She’d have to do her best to describe it for him. His reaction to that would be worth the embarrassment she’d felt when he had been explaining what she should do.
“You’ll need to find your clit,” he’d whispered.
“Gabriel,” she’d hissed back. “You can’t say that word.”
“I’m going to get you used to hearing more words than that,” he promised. “I want to hear you say it when you tell me all about touching yourself.”
“I can’t say that!”
“You can but I can wait till you’re ready.”
Now she thought she’d be willing to say it a hundred times in gratitude just for him helping her find it. She’d never imagined it was possible to feel such pleasure, and she was soon biting down on her lips to keep the moans quiet. Gabriel had told her that it might be difficult to orgasm the first time, since she was unfamiliar with her body.
Instead, she wondered if she should be ashamed of how quickly it happened and how much she wanted it. It washed over her like a rising tide, cresting on a peak that made her shake and tremble. It was the closest she had ever felt to heaven, an odd thing to happen in this little slice of sin. When it was over, she was alone, but she felt more connected to God and to Gabriel than she ever had before.