15. CHAPTER #2
“Oh yes! I love that! Never thought of it that way. I’ll have to remember that.” Your Majesty hummed, smiled, and went right back to eating. He picked up a phone with a shiny bronze case. “My love, did you hear that?”
“Yes, darling,” a deep voice rumbled through the phone. “Makes me hunger for your delicious insides.”
Your Majesty squealed. “Talos! Such things you say.”
“Mmm, the things I’ll do.”
“Did you get the clamps? Please tell me you got the clamps.”
“Of course, I did. All I need now is you…”
Seymour and Sariel appeared relieved.
The cat was disappointed.
Indy still had no idea what had just happened, except he did have the distinct feeling he’d narrowly avoided some kind of danger.
A first this week.
“Now we’re going,” Mr. Heiss dragged Indy out the door and didn’t look back.
“Bye!” Indy waved, grunting as Mr. Heiss pulled him along. “So, uh, explanation?”
“Sariel and Seymour Madison. An angel who is my former employee and his annoying flesh bag who owns one of the Artifacts. The Hisan Inro.”
“That was the cat, right?”
“Yes, I believe they call her Day.” Mr. Heiss pushed Indy inside the limo.
“Okay, and the other guy? The one with a face beat for the gods?”
“King Zolrya.”
“King of what exactly?”
“The Fae.”
“Oh… Oh! Oh fuck.”
“Yes. Fuck.”
They stopped at a McDonald’s so Indy could use the bathroom and finally get something to eat. It took two crispy chicken sandwiches, a Big Mac, and a large fry to make Indy feel better about having a brush with such a powerful and dangerous creature, and he definitely had some follow-up questions.
“So.” Indy waited until they were back in the limo and headed to the flower shop to dig in. “Sariel used to work for you? I had always heard you had an angel in your little gang but didn’t know if it was true.”
Mr. Heiss scowled. “Not anymore.”
“And Seymour and… Day, right? Little kitty cat doesn’t seem that scary.”
“She bites.”
“I can see her because I own the Memento Mori. Which is why I could see Lou’s guys, right?”
“Yes. There are exceptions, obviously.”
“Like Dill. ’Cause everyone can see him.”
“Yes.” Mr. Heiss made another sour face. “The clerk at the flower shop is named Othniel Ricci. He is Lou’s mate and also owns a Reliquary spirit, so there will be another one you’ll see.”
“Wait, how? Does he have the Reliquary or does Lou?”
“Lou holds all but one. A spirit chose Neil and—”
“Oh! Hold up! Yes! We are so talking about monster dicks when we get there.”
Mr. Heiss squawked. “What?”
“He’s dating a werewolf. We can trade knot stories!”
Mr. Heiss held his face in his hands. “Please do not do that.”
“Why? Is that gonna make you jealous, baby?”
“No, but I may become ill listening to you discuss my brother’s dick.”
“Okay, fair.”
Uranian Flora was a three-story brick building with colorful flowering bushes flanking its hot pink front door beneath an equally bright pink awning.
The painfully brilliant color scheme continued inside, with the counter and framework being the same extreme shade of pink, a lime green menu, and neon blue wooden floors.
It looked as if a rainbow had thrown up everywhere, and honestly, Indy loved it.
The man at the counter was young and had an olive complexion, dark hair, and several days’ worth of scruff.
He was thick, his smile friendly, and he waved cheerfully.
“Hi there! Welcome to Uranian Flora! I’m Neil.
Let me know if—” His smile vanished the second he saw Mr. Heiss.
“Oh, it’s you. What the fuck do you want? ”
“You really don’t have any friends, do you?” Indy muttered under his breath, rolling his eyes. He flashed a dazzling smile as he approached the counter, cooing, “Hi! I’m Indy Summers. Heard so much about you. Such a pleasure. So, you’re into werewolf dick and—”
There was an odd meow, the sound echoing and strange, and something rubbed up against Indy’s leg—a cat-shaped blob that appeared to be made of swirling galaxies and the very fabric of space itself.
The material was reminiscent of the magic going on inside of a lava lamp because small bits kept moving and breaking away and rejoining the cat’s main blob body.
“Whoa. Space kitty.” Indy laughed, kneeling to give the strange cat a little scratch. “Hi, baby. Oh, you are beautiful!”
“I am two seconds away from calling Lou,” the young man warned. “What the hell is going on? How can you see Buffy?”
“Buffy! How cute! And oh, I can see her because I have a special buddy of my own.” Indy kissed his ring.
Dill appeared, his eyes wide as he took in all the greenery. He was very mindful of his size next to so many delicate displays, but he was definitely interested in checking out the different plants.
“Hey, babe.” Indy smiled. “Dill, this is Buffy! And that guy over there is Neil. How fun is this? Spirit party.”
“Party.” Dill sat right down on the floor, clapping excitedly as Buffy slinked up to him. He petted her ever so gently, and she started purring away.
“Big plant guy. Uh. Okay.” Neil blinked slowly before realization hit. “You have one of the wizard’s Artifacts.”
“Yup. Lucky me.” Indy chuckled, standing back up now that Buffy was distracted with Dill. “This is the Memento Mori. Comes with my very own undead leshy and his very hot girlfriend.”
“And you’re…” Neil stared. “With Mr. Heiss.”
“Yup.”
“Voluntarily?”
“Eh, like fifty-fifty.” Indy grinned.
Neil narrowed his eyes. “Buffy, come here, girl. Are you hungry? Need a snack?”
Buffy meowed, turning back toward Neil with a flick of her long tail.
Mr. Heiss sighed loudly. “Indy is not here under any duress… I am protecting him.”
“Is that true?” Neil demanded. “Because I find that very hard to believe.”
“Yes!” Indy gave Mr. Heiss’s arm a small pat.
“He’s totally protecting me. Also, have you ever fucked a demon?
Or just hot for werewolves? Because I would understand.
The knots. Just wow. You know, I love a big, thick—” He squealed as Mr. Heiss put a hand over his mouth. “Hey, Imh ruhing toh make ah frond!”
Neil actually laughed and relaxed, shaking his head. His face was red, but he was still smiling as he replied, “Yeah, uh. You know, I kinda got this other friend who’s dating an angel and we sorta chat about that stuff every once in a while.”
“Seehmour! Yuh! Jhust met hum!” Indy flailed and finally managed to peel Mr. Heiss’s hand off. “Okay, group chat. Monster Fucker Squad.”
Neil snorted. “Let’s workshop the name, okay?”
“I am very glad you two are having so much fun, but we are here on business.” Mr. Heiss placed his hand on the back of Indy’s neck. “The flower.”
“Ugh, no fun. As usual.” Indy sighed dramatically and crossed his arms, cocking out his hip.
“We need to talk to you about some sampaguita flowers. Me and my Gammy bought one from you a while back, and now we just found a bunch at a monster drug lab and there were bodies in crates and—ow! Why’d you pinch me?
” Indy rubbed his butt. “Don’t bully me. I’ll come.”
“We need to know who has purchased this flower and the volume.” Mr. Heiss ignored Indy. “Now.”
The floorboards rumbled, throwing Indy off balance and causing him to careen into Mr. Heiss’s arms. “What the actual fuck?”
A loud clacking drew Indy’s attention to the menu hanging above the counter. The letters moved around to form words.
HELLO
A NEW SPIRIT!
A NEW HUMAN!
YAY
AND OH LOOK
A GIANT ASSHOLE
Mr. Heiss sneered.
“This is Izba,” Neil said, waving around them. “He’s the flower shop. He used to be a witch’s hut and now he’s this.”
“Okay, fabulous. Loving it.” Indy laughed and snapped his fingers. “Slaying the house down boots and you are literally the whole damn house.”
YES
I SLAY
I HELPED SLAY A UNICORN ONCE
“Give me a second to check our records. I can probably figure out who bought the sampaguita.” Neil tapped away at the computer on the counter. He gave Mr. Heiss a wary glance, asking, “This drug lab have anything to do with the drug lab upstairs?”
Mr. Heiss glared.
“You had a drug lab upstairs?” Indy whistled. “Okay, party.”
“Bunch of humans backed by monsters trying to make a big mess for the family.” Neil clicked a few more times. “Thought it was all taken care of. You know, mafia for everybody is either dead or arrested.”
“Why don’t you just tell him?” Indy asked Mr. Heiss.
“I don’t speak to worthless fleshy mortal holes,” Mr. Heiss said icily.
“Newsflash, but I’m a fleshy mortal hole,” Indy retorted. “A hole you really seemed to enjoy pounding raw and leaving stuffed and telling me so much filthy shit that my ear might be pregnant. So, spill. What is your deal?”
Mr. Heiss grimaced, pinching the bridge of his nose.
HE IS AN ASSHOLE
I BELIEVE WE ESTABLISHED THAT
Neil pressed his lips together in a thin line, trying not to laugh.
“Well?” Indy pressed.
Mr. Heiss continued to say nothing.
A
S
S
H
O
L
E
“See, this. This? This right here is why no one likes you.” Indy threw up his hands.
He took a deep breath and then gave Neil a sweet smile.
“For purposes of getting this whatever flower info, just pretend he isn’t here, ’kay?
Us fleshy holes should stick together. But not because we’re sticky. Well, only sometimes.”
Neil let out a small muffled snicker. “Yeah, got it.”
Mr. Heiss sighed.
Indy winked at him.
“You’re incorrigible,” Mr. Heiss mumbled.
“That means adorable, right? Because yes. I know.” Indy batted his eyelashes. “And thank you.”
Mr. Heiss cracked a small smile, trying and failing to hide it.
Neil looked between the two of them and then grinned. He didn’t say anything else though, returning to working on the computer. “You know whatever this is about, Lou is gonna find out and just tell me anyway.”
“Then you can wait until after I have discussed it with him,” Mr. Heiss said dryly, eyeing Indy. “Unless you continue to show zero aptitude for being able to keep your teeth together.”
“You mean keeping my mouth shut?” Indy smiled sweetly. “Pretty sure you prefer it wide open and gaping.”