18. Lachlan
Lachlan
Oh fuck!
I’d thought it was the memory of Lainey talking through everything that asshole did to her that woke me out of the sleep I was barely able to fall into, but I quickly realized I was wrong.
My leg jerked uncontrollably under the covers as searing pain burned its way over my skin and burrowed deep into my muscle.
My spasms have been getting better since my last surgery, but they weren’t completely gone.
In fact, my surgeon said they might never be.
Just another gift I was given when I didn’t die under the weight of that car.
Shit. I didn’t mean it like that. It was a gift to live. But not like this. Not with this pain. This insidious pain that struck out of nowhere. This pain that kept me trapped for so long in my mind. Kept me trapped in my home…
I groaned as I pulled the blanket back, exposing the rippling flesh of my scarred leg to the cold air. It was pitch black in my room, and my hand fumbled as it tried to decide whether I should reach for the light or grab my calf and try to massage the pulsating muscle.
“What’s wrong?” The small voice from the doorway scared the ever-livin’ shit out of me.
Christ. We’d spent the day working through getting her things washed and put away.
By dinner, I could tell she was exhausted.
The last time I’d checked on her, Lainey had still been fast asleep.
And that was for the best, because my usual nighttime routine of checking all the windows, and the doors, and the stove, and the toaster, and the oven, and the lights was taking three times as long to do since I needed to be absolutely certain things were safe for her and the baby.
“Nothing. Go back to bed,” I barked. Another spasm had me biting my tongue to stop from screaming.
“No. I’m not going anywhere when you’re clearly in pain. Your groaning woke the alien up, and if he’s up, I’m up. So stop being so stubborn and just tell me what’s wrong. Maybe I can help.”
Her voice was closer, pitched higher. I bet she was doing that cute thing with the end of her nose. It scrunched up whenever she got flustered.
“My leg. It hurts sometimes.” My jaw ached from how hard I was biting down on my damn molars. “In the night. I’ll be fine.”
There was no response for a moment, just the slightest hint of air moving next to me before the light of my bedside lamp momentarily blinded me.
“Sorry. Is there anything I can do?” she asked.
Another cramp started, pulling the muscle tighter than before. I groaned, rolling to my side as I tried to flex my foot.
“No. Just go.”
“That seems silly. There must be something I can do.”
Her voice got closer, but the pressure from the muscle contracting had my eyes rolling into the back of my head.
“Are you…”
“Am I what?” I grumbled.
“Are you dressed?” she whispered.
“Yes,” I gritted out.
“Good. Then I’m going to move the covers all the way over and see what I can do.”
“Trouble…”
“Stop being such a stubborn ass. I’m here. I can help. ‘There’s no shame in needing help’, remember?”
I knew those words were going to come back and bite me.
“You should take magnesium before bed.” Cold air from the room wrapped around my body, and I went still as her warm fingers pressed against my skin.
“The alien has been giving me muscle cramps for months. I don’t have any of the stuff here I drink before bed, but I’ll ask Birdie if she has some.
She’s the one who told me about it before… ”
Fuck. I needed to pay attention to what she was saying so I could figure out how to order her some of that stuff, but all I could focus on was the goddamn shorts I was wearing.
No one…aside from my doctor, and Ma on occasion, had seen my scars healed like this.
My leg was a mess. Thick, raised scars traveled around my knee, down my shin, wrapped through my calf, and ended at my ankle.
I was lucky I kept my leg. Lucky I’d made it through my first surgery at all, not to mention the other three I had in the last two years.
But looking at it every day, suffering through seeing the physical scarring on my body that has become a permanent reminder that I’m not the man I once was, it made my stomach roll.
“Just go,” I growled as I tried to pull my leg away from her. But she didn’t listen—didn’t even budge as her fingers worked into the muscle. Deeper. Warmer. Little by little, the pain started to fade.
“Magnesium will help stop the charley horses. Looks like I need to add bananas to the grocery list. God, I know it hurts, and I’m so sorry you’re in pain…but look at all that power you still have in your leg. It’s beautiful. These scars…”
Her fingers started circling the contracting muscle with more purpose.
I was dumbfounded. Had she really just said my leg was beautiful?
I felt like the fucking beast from that fairy tale Jessie was obsessed with growing up.
How could anyone think that was beautiful?
But as I looked at her face to see if she was teasing me, my mouth went dry.
Because there wasn’t just concern and honesty in her eyes.
There was something that looked an awful lot like… heat.
She shook her head just slightly, breaking the spell, and went back to work digging her fingers into the most tender part of my leg.
“Jesus!” I groaned.
“Come on, Lach. You’re tougher than that.”
I wasn’t. I wasn’t at all. But I bit my tongue and blinked away the tears that were stinging my eyes. That was the last thing I needed.
“Am I hurting you?” she whispered.
“No. It’s feeling better.”
“Okay.” Lainey rubbed up and down my scars, over the bumpy and misshapen muscle. I couldn’t believe none of it freaked her out.
“I think it’s good,” I finally admitted a minute later. The charley horse sensation had left, but behind it was the tidal wave of emotion waiting to pull me under.
“Does it hurt like that all the time?”
“Not all the time. It did in the beginning, after the first surgery when all my bones were locked in place with the first round of screws and plates. Sometimes I wonder if saving the damn thing was worth all the pain or not.”
Her hand was still resting against my leg, her thumb tracing along the thickest scar.
“This leg is a miracle. I remember Dolly talking to me, I think it was right after your second surgery. When you were really sick and they didn’t know if you were going to lose it, or if they’d get the infection cleared.
I don’t know why, but I said a prayer that night.
And every night after that until I saw Dolly again a few weeks later, and she said you turned the corner.
That your rehab was going well and your leg was healing.
I can’t believe you look at this leg and don’t see how incredible it is. ”
Just perfect. My face was wet. Lainey reached up, wiping away the tears on my face.
“It’s okay to be upset with losing the life you thought you’d have.
To be frustrated about the pain. About the things that you have a hard time doing now that were once easy to tackle before.
It’s okay to cry and mourn what you lost that day, Lachlan.
But don’t ever think that your accident made you less than.
Less of a son. Less of a brother. Less of a man. ”
“It does,” I admitted past my gritted teeth. “I’m a broken shell of who I used to be.”
“And yet, that so-called broken shell came for me. That broken shell held me as I fell apart. That broken shell gave me shelter, and safety, and a promise that tomorrow would be better. That broken shell isn’t as broken as you think.
It might have a few cracks that are still healing, a few pieces that still need to be glued back into place.
But I, for one, am incredibly grateful for the broken shell that you are. ”
Her fingers squeezed my arm. “Do you want me to stay with you?” she asked.
“I’m okay. You should go back to bed. Rest. Sleep. That’s what you and the baby need.”
“I think the space invader is probably going to keep me up all night. Late pregnancy heartburn is no joke.”
I nodded. “I have antacids in my medicine cabinet. Help yourself.”
She smiled. “Thanks. I will.”
I watched her pad into the bathroom and open the medicine cabinet before hearing the door squeak open, then shut. Then she flicked the light off and came back into my bedroom.
I cringed, that uneasy feeling simmering just beneath my skin. My fingers itched to touch the light switch. To make sure that the time between on and off felt just right.
“How many times?”
“What?” I grumbled from my side of the bed.
The light was fine. That’s what Sloane would tell me.
The light was fine, and it wasn’t going to keep everyone safe if I got up and fiddled with it five more times.
Once was enough. She turned it off, and everyone in my family would still be fine in the morning.
Nothing bad was going to happen.
I didn’t need to get up.
I didn’t need to flip the switch.
“How many times do you need me to do the light? I can tell that once wasn’t the right number.”
Fuck.
“It’s fine. Just go back to bed. Don’t need you going into labor ‘cause you helped me out with a charley horse and flipping a light on and off.”
“First of all, that’s not how labor works.
Second, I just got your muscles to relax, so you will be lying there until you go to sleep and I’m going to make sure of it.
So, tell me how many times is the right number for the light so we can both get some rest. It’s not a big deal. I just want to do it right for you.”
She was wrong. It was a very big deal.
“Six. But my shrink would say you shouldn’t be helping me with my compulsions. That it only reinforces them.”
“I don’t think they like being called that,” she sassed back at me. “And, well…Sloane isn’t here right now, and you deserve to have a good night’s sleep. I won’t do it again. Deal?”
I waited, truly at a loss for words over what had just happened between us in the last ten minutes. Finally, I got my head out of my ass and answered, “Deal.”
“Grumpy man. That wasn’t so hard, was it?
” She smiled, and I swear my heart skipped a beat.
Christ, I needed to get a grip. It wasn’t like she’d say yes to spending the night in here so I could watch after her instead of having to get up and peek in on her like a creep.
No. Asking her to stay in here was a creep move, too.
“Lach?”
“Huh?” Shit. She’d clearly asked me a question and was waiting for an answer, only I didn’t have a fucking clue what she asked or how to respond.
Lainey sighed. “Do I start over, or does the first count?”
“Start over.”
She nodded, padding back to the bathroom. The light came on for a second, and then plunged us back into darkness. Lainey did that five more times, without comment. Without telling me there was something wrong with my brain. Without making me feel like a problem to be fixed.
And when she came to the end of the counting, my brain was finally quiet.
“Goodnight, Lachlan. Sweet dreams.”
“Night, Trouble.”