21. Lainey
Lainey
Birdie finally left a few hours ago. My blood pressure took a while to even out, but it eventually got to the same point it had been at my doctor’s appointment. She thought I was just upset about seeing him again. She didn’t know the truth. No one could ever know the truth.
Lachlan hovered outside the bedroom while Birdie fussed over me, but I kept the tears at bay long enough to convince her she could go home. She’d made me recite the symptoms to look for with my blood pressure about a hundred times before finally hearing my plea to just be left alone.
All this time, in the back of my mind, I’d wondered if Greg was sneaking off to be with someone else. The way we never went around his family together. All those times he stayed in Dallas because he was too tired to come home from work…
Never once did I ever think I was the other woman. He went on that hunting trip with his dad two years ago, and was just unreachable for three weeks. Things had been so good between us then that I hadn’t thought anything of it. Was that when they got married? Was he really on his honeymoon?
I picked at the lunch Lachlan had brought upstairs, but pretended to be sleeping when he came to tell me dinner was ready.
It was ridiculous to lie in bed and let my emotions get the best of me, but I could not get my body to do anything other than just curl up around the pillows and become one with the comforter.
Lachlan had finally gone into his room, and I listened for a long time to see if he’d try to check on me. I just wanted to fall apart in peace. Pity party for one. Actually, for two I was reminded as the alien rolled in my belly.
She was pregnant, too. And I hadn’t told her. That the babies in our bellies were half-siblings. That he was the worst kind of man and she should run—as fast as she could—away from him. Why didn’t I just tell her the truth?
My hand drifted to my extended belly. All this time, I thought that maybe there was just a shred of love left in this world for me.
How the hell had I gotten it so messed up?
How had I let myself get in a situation where I had to show another human—an innocent, tiny creature who would be completely dependent on me—unconditional love?
My sister was made to be a mom. All the hurt and neglect from our own mother had shown her exactly how to love in the most beautiful way.
But my brain didn’t work like that. Lach’s nickname for me was right on the money. I was trouble. All I’d ever invite into my life was trouble.
“You’d be better off with a different mama, and I’m so sorry about that.” Tears slid off the end of my nose until I buried my face in the pillow, trying my hardest to muffle the sobs that had finally found their way to the surface.
I don’t know how long I was lying there, crying about something I’d allowed to happen to myself in the most pathetic display of self-pity in the history of the world, when I heard a knock at my door.
I didn’t respond. I couldn’t. The tears and my ragged breaths were rushing out of me in a downpour I couldn’t stop. And even though I heard the door open and the soft taps of his cane growing louder as he moved toward me, surprise still flooded my body as I felt the bed dip beside me.
I don’t know what I was thinking, but I rolled as best I could, landing easily against his stomach. My own belly rested against his leg, but he didn’t complain. No. He wrapped his arms around me and moved his hand up and down my back.
“It’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna be just fine.”
“It’s n-not,” I whispered back once I could feel the peak of my emotions passing. Numbness was coming for me, and I welcomed it with open arms. “It’s never g-going to be o-okay.”
Lachlan’s thumb rested under my chin, pushing my face up toward his. “What happened today? I know this isn’t just from seeing him. Did he touch you?”
“He grabbed my arm hard, but I don’t care about that,” I said as I shifted, pushing up away from his chest.
“Hey,” Lach growled, “get your ass back over here.” His arms were spread wide, inviting me back in, but I just shook my head. “We both know you’re not done crying, and I’m holding you until you are.”
“I don’t need—”
“Fine. You don’t need me to hold you. But I need to.
I have a feeling what you’re about to tell me is going to be painful for you, and my brain won’t shut the hell up about all the possibilities.
So, let me hold you so I can calm my nervous system down, yeah?
Remind it that you’re here, and you’re safe? ”
I felt my whole body relax as I moved back to him, my head now resting on his shoulder. My belly rested against his side, and Lachlan chuckled as I got kicked.
“He’s active tonight.”
“Always is at night,” I shared. “Doesn’t know he’s meant to be sleeping now.”
“Probably can sense you’re upset.”
“Oh.” I hadn’t even thought of that. My pity party could hurt him. “I don’t deserve him,” I whispered, my hand landing over the little alien’s bum. Or his back. Some part of him was rounded and pushing up against his rapidly shrinking space.
“Whoa…why would you ever think that?”
“I’m so incredibly selfish. And you can’t be selfish and be a good mom.
Look at Birdie. Her whole life, she’s been sacrificing things for me.
To give me what our selfish mom never could.
And Birdie is the best mom. She’s like Dolly.
Your mom and my sister are filled with so much unconditional love it pours out of them.
I’m so stupid, Lach. I chase after love in all the wrong places where I’ll never find it.
Still the same little girl begging to be seen by people who would never want to find her if she was lost. Begging to be chosen.
” I cleared my throat, burying my face against the heat of his neck.
Jesus, I was practically trying to melt my body into his.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt so safe to be so vulnerable.
Other than the first night I came here. Lach really was so good to me.
I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be turning his life inside out with my drama.
“You have enough to deal with. I’ll figure this all out. I didn’t mean to dump that on you.”
“I’m glad you told me. I’m glad you got to say it out loud.
Because now I can tell you the truth. You should never have had to beg to be loved.
It pisses me off that your mom ever walked away from you and Birdie.
Birdie didn’t deserve that, which I think you know.
But neither did you. And nothing that you’ve done since then, no matter how hard you pushed people away, no matter how many times you tried to make it work with Greg, means that you deserve to be treated how you have been.
Nothing you ever did made it okay for him to lay a hand on you. Got it?”
I was silent for a moment before I realized I couldn’t hold the truth in any longer. “He cheated.”
Lachlan scoffed. “That doesn’t surprise me—he’s a fucking lowlife. Is that why you’ve been so upset? He finally admitted that to you today?”
I shook my head. “I met her. She was with him.”
“For fuck’s sake.”
“You don’t understand. He was cheating on his wife, Lach. With me. I’m the other woman.”
His whole body went stiff. “I’m really gonna kill him now. Please tell me you told her. That you laid it all for her and he was mortified. Tell me she slapped him and is probably drawing up divorce papers now.”
I sighed, hating the fact that I hadn’t.
“He’s selling the house. That’s why all my stuff was on the lawn the next morning.
Why he was okay with me running away. All that time he was in Dallas for work…
he was staying with her. With his wife. His family.
They have a son already.” My chin shook as I forced myself to continue, nausea swelling as two tiny feet shoved up into my stomach.
“She was holding him on her hip when she walked up to us.”
“That bastard.”
“She’s pregnant again, too,” I whispered, slapping my hand over my mouth as I rolled away from Lachlan. I’d barely made it to my feet when bile scorched my throat. Thankfully, the bathroom was a clear shot across the hall, and Lach had left my door wide open when he came in.
With my hand under my belly, I made it just in time, my legs buckling in front of the toilet as I retched.
“Christ.” I heard Lachlan shuffle in behind me, the water in the sink running for a second while I continued to lose what little was in my stomach. God. I hadn’t thrown up in months, but it was a thousand times worse now that the invader was so big.
My stomach cramped again, just as my hair was lifted off my neck and a cool washcloth was laid over my skin.
“I’m so sorry, Trouble.” Lachlan’s hand ran circles over my back, just like he’d done before to comfort me.
After another minute of my stomach trying to kill me, I grabbed at the roll of toilet paper, tearing off several sheets before wiping my mouth and flushing away the literal physical representation of how sick I was over the truth of my situation.
I moved back, falling on my butt before bringing my hands up to my face.
“That’s what I should have said to her. I was planning a whole life with her husband. With the father of her children.”
“He’s the father of your child, too.”
“No. He’s not. I’m a mom, but he’ll never be anything to either of us ever again. I can’t believe the one thing I never wanted is exactly where my life ended up.”
“Where?”
“I’m a single mom. The man I…he’s never going to…and I’m responsible for it all.”
“No. None of this is your fault.”
“It is. I should have left him before I got pregnant.”
“How could you have known this was going on?”
“I should have seen the signs. Read the room. Listened to the way my sister noticed everything and tried to warn me.”
Lachlan sighed, his hand running over his face. “It’s not healthy to think that way. If I said something like that in one of my sessions, Sloane would set me straight right away.”
My hands dropped away from my face as I groaned. “So you’re a therapist now?”
Lachlan chuckled. “I might have picked up one or two helpful things in my sessions. Don’t tell Sloane I said that.”
“Your secret’s safe with me. Just like I hope mine are with you.”
He shook his head, looking over his shoulder out into the hallway. For a split second, my heart jumped, scared that his family was somehow there and had heard my confession. But it was only us here.
“I don’t think you should keep what he did a secret. Everyone in this fucking town should know what a scumbag he is so they can have your back.”
“That won’t happen. The Lourys are almost as influential in this town as your family.
Look at what happened when I tried to get that order of protection.
Greg’s uncle is a Clarence County judge.
I don’t want that kind of attention. I…” My hand went to my belly, smoothing the fabric of my shirt over my bump.
“I will have to live every day knowing we’ve never been wanted. ”
“Maybe you’ll think that from time to time.” Lach sighed, shaking his head. “But I’ll be here to remind you why that isn’t true. Okay?”
“Thank you. I shouldn’t have gotten so upset. It doesn’t matter. I’m not putting his name on the birth certificate. I’m not giving him those rights. He wants them, he can come try to take them. Let him explain that to Jasmine.”
“You shouldn’t have to do it all on your own. You should get child support from him. Forget about him being a part of the baby’s life, but you shouldn’t have all of the financial burden on yourself.”
I snorted. It was an incredibly ridiculous sounding one, too. The kind that is filled with every ounce of incredulousness in your body. But it didn’t phase Lachlan. He just sat, his hand rubbing his left leg, staring at me.
“We shouldn’t be sitting here on the floor. I’m sorry. That has to be really uncomfortable for you.”
“I’m fine.”
“Well, I’m okay. All cried out. Nothing more to throw up. I think…we should probably say goodnight.”
He nodded, getting up to his feet before offering his hand to me.
Somehow, between the two of us, we managed to hoist me up.
Lachlan disappeared downstairs while I brushed my teeth before waddling back to my room, another round of tears pressing violently against the back of my eyes as I climbed into bed.
He walked back into the room, setting a glass of water and a slice of pie on the nightstand, his eyes bouncing over my face.
“Could you stay?” I asked, heat flooding my face at the ridiculous question. Why the hell had I asked that of him?
“Of course I can.” Lachlan’s cane leaned against the wall and I moved over, allowing him plenty of room to sit. He stayed on top of the comforters, but sank down, opening his arms to me.
I wasn’t going to push away the comfort I desperately needed. “Thank you,” I whispered as I rested my cheek over his heart.
“I’ve got you. Just close your eyes and rest. Tomorrow’s a new day. And it’s going to be great.”