36. Lainey
Lainey
The protective order didn’t stick.
We’d heard last week, just a few days after Greg had shown up here, that it was tossed out of court again.
I felt hopeless. Lachlan had told Colt what Greg said.
When he knew I was upstairs and probably thought I couldn’t hear.
And now, Reid’s constant need to nurse during his growth spurt wasn’t the only thing keeping me awake at night.
Because Greg was going to take Reid away from me. That’s what he’d made perfectly clear to Lachlan. That he was going to prove how unfit of a mother I was, and I’d never see Reid again.
And I knew he would do it. Because the evidence was there.
I couldn’t nurse Reid without feeling like I was going to throw up or burst into tears.
I was exhausted and irritable, and even over the last few days, Lach couldn’t get me to leave the house.
He couldn’t get me to go on a walk. Or to sit outside.
Or to visit with my sister. Or any of his family.
It felt like whatever time I had left with Reid before he was taken from me was rushing away, and I couldn’t catch my breath.
A knock at my door had my eyes popping open. Lachlan still took him for me, a few hours each night. I shouldn’t let him. It was more important than ever that I had time with Reid. But I was just so tired…and selfish.
“I’m sorry, I’ve tried all my usual tricks, and he’s just not having it any more. Are you sure you don’t want me to make him a bottle?”
“No,” I groaned, looking at the clock on the bedside table before sitting up in bed. Lachlan had successfully kept Reid downstairs for almost an hour and a half tonight. It was nearly 10:00 p.m., and that nap I’d tried to take would have to suffice. “Bring him here.”
Lachlan laid him in my arms. “Are you okay?”
I was really getting sick of that question.
“Yeah.”
“Do you need me to see you, without asking any questions?”
My throat tightened. “No. I’m okay.”
Lachlan nodded. “Good night, Lainey. I’m here if you need me.”
I looked down at Reid’s face, trying to memorize every facet of his features. Because I knew one day soon the papers would come. And I’d have to say goodbye.
“Reid!” I screamed out his name as I jolted awake. My heart was pounding so hard I thought I might throw up. Every inch of my body was covered in sweat, and even after the comforter was off me and in a pile on the floor, my whole body still felt overheated and dizzy.
“Lainey?!” Lachlan rushed into my room as the haziness of sleep receded into reality.
“I thought…oh, God. He’s over there, isn’t he? In his bassinet? I’m not hallucinating that, right? I’m not…I didn’t hurt him?”
“What the fuck? No, you didn’t hurt him.” I watched Lachlan walk around the bed through my watery vision before he placed his hand on Reid and smiled.
“He’s so good, Lain. Sleeping like a little log.” He turned, making his way back to me. The bed sank next to my hip as Lachlan sat.
“What happened? Why did you scream?”
My heart was still pounding violently in my chest. “I was dreaming. I didn’t know I was dreaming.”
“About what?” he asked, tucking some of the hair that had fallen out of my bun back behind my ear.
“I thought I fell asleep nursing him. I…I woke up and he wasn’t there. I couldn’t find him…” My head fell into my hands. “Why is this so hard?”
“This is so tough because you love him so much.”
“How do you know?” I asked, running my fingers across my lashes. Wetness soaked into the dry skin on my hands. I’d been washing them so much since Reid came into the world that they were starting to crack and bleed.
“What?”
“How do you know that I love him?” I repeated. “I don’t…I don’t even know that.”
That gut-wrenching admission scraped painfully past my vocal cords. How could I even think that? How could I so casually admit it?
“What are you talking about?” Lachlan’s jaw had dropped open, his eyes wide with confusion.
“I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it.
I feel like I’m the worst mom, but I can’t breathe.
He felt like this far-off idea the whole time I was pregnant.
This creature that was just…there. In theory, I knew he was real.
I knew he’d come out and be a person, but I just…
I don’t know. I don’t know him. I clearly don’t know what he needs or how to recognize what cues he’s trying to give me.
You’re like some freaking baby whisperer, and I can’t even get my body to do anything other than want to sleep! ”
My arms raised up, only to slam down against my legs in utter defeat.
“Lainey…”
“No. I need you to tell me how you know I love him! Because I’d protect him!
I wouldn’t ever let someone hurt him. I wouldn’t ever hurt him.
But that’s not enough for it to be love!
I don’t want to keep doing this. Falling apart every time he cries.
I’m so unbelievably selfish because when I look at him, all I can think about is how much I just want to sleep.
” Tears ran down my face, but I didn’t care.
Getting the words out felt so good. Admitting defeat—telling him how I wanted to rip my soul out of my body and just be numb for the rest of my life—felt so scary and so terrifyingly freeing at the same time.
I got out of bed, desperate for some fresh air.
For a space that was anywhere but right where I was.
I made it to the doorway before I turned back around.
“I want to go to bed and sleep. For more than an hour without being interrupted. For a day. For the whole week. And I know as soon as my head hits the pillow, he’s going to cry for me.
Why? Why is he crying for me? He doesn’t know me.
If he did, he wouldn’t want me. He shouldn’t want me! ”
Lachlan stood, one hand holding on tightly to his cane, and stepped closer to me. I looked over in the bassinet to see Reid was still fast asleep. For now. It was only a matter of minutes before he’d be back awake, and the never-ending cycle would reset.
My shoulders were shaking with the strain of trying to hold back my sobs, but as soon as Lachlan’s arm went around my back and I curled into his chest, I lost it.
I didn’t care how awkward it was, all I cared about was holding onto him, because he was the only lifeline I had.
“Come on. I think it’s time you had a proper break.” His words sent a shiver down my spine.
“I c-can’t. I have to n-nurse him…every twenty minutes it feels like.” I pushed back from his chest, wiping at my face.
“We have formula downstairs.”
My stomach rolled. “No!”
Lachlan nodded, his brows pulling together in that stern look that had oddly become comforting to me. “I think it’s time you tried Sloane’s trick that she taught me for when my mind gets too loud.”
I blinked away the blurriness that the tears brought to my vision. “Has it worked?”
“Eh.” He shrugged. “It’s usually enough to get the compulsion to at least quiet down to a manageable level. And that’s a step in the right direction. Do you want to try?”
“I don’t have compulsions. I don’t need to try it,” I snapped, hating the hurt that flashed in his eyes. Why was I acting like this? Hurting the one person who had been so kind and understanding? Who saw me for who I truly was and never ran from helping me?
“I’m sorry.” I sighed. “I just don’t want to use formula. Birdie said breast milk has exactly what he needs. He’s not just getting nutrients, he’s getting antibodies, protection from other people.”
“What protection does he need? He’s barely been around anyone, Lainey.
” Lach’s hand came out to sweep some of my hair away from my face.
I knew what I looked like. My hair hadn’t been brushed all day.
I smelled like sour milk and spit up, and I desperately needed a shower. And now I was pissed and sweating.
“Your mother kissed his cheek! And don’t even try to say it’s okay, because it’s not.
I had no idea what she’d been around or exposed to from the diner.
He could still get sick. And who’s to say what could happen if I switched him off of my breast milk and onto formula?
What happens when he’s not getting the antibodies anymore?
When the formula doesn’t magically change its composition to help him get healthy?
And he deteriorates. And then I have to take him to the hospital, all by myself!
And then he’ll just get sicker and weaker all because I was too selfish.
Because I felt like I deserved rest. Because I couldn’t push through the pain, and the nausea, and the thoughts of wanting to die every time he latches on to nurse.
” My head dropped into my hands as I felt my legs buckle.
There was no hard floor that came crashing into me, like I expected.
Instead, warm, strong arms wrapped around me, and I was pulled into Lachlan’s chest again.
I cried out, my face still covered, as he kissed the top of my head.
“I-I didn’t want him. I didn’t want him, and that’s why all of this is so tough. Because I didn’t want my baby.”
“Lain. My God.” His strong voice cracked, but his hold on me never wavered.
“I’m already such a bad mom. I’ve already f-failed him. And Greg knows. He’s going to take him away.”
“Shh. You haven’t. You haven’t failed him at all. You’re a wonderful mom, and it’s breaking my fucking heart that you can’t see it.”
My hand fisted his shirt, tightening as I tried to get everything under control.
But I couldn’t. Because as soon as he held me up, it was like my mind finally gave my body permission to fall apart.
And nothing was going to stop every last awful thing I’d been feeling since Reid was born from pouring out. Here, in Lach’s house. In his arms.
I don’t know how he managed it, but somehow, I felt us lower gently to the floor.
“I-I’m sorry.” I sniffled. “I’m so sorry. You d-don’t have to c-comfort me.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” He adjusted his hold on me, so I slid between his legs and yet somehow tucked closer into his chest. Lach was cradling me like I’d seen him do countless times with Reid, gently rocking us as his hand smoothed up and down my back. “Just let it out, sweetheart. Let it go.”
Lachlan’s thumb rested under my chin for a second before he moved my face toward his. “Every last one of those terrible thoughts comes out into the light tonight so I can help you. So I can get you help.”
My throat burned as I buried my face against his heart. “I don’t want help. I just want to go to sleep.”
He pressed a kiss to my temple. “I know. That’s the first thing we’re gonna do. I’m going to take over Reid-watch tonight. And you’re going to sleep.”
“You’ll need to wake me up…for him to nurse.”
“No. You’re going to sleep. In my bed. He’s nursed from you all day. He got all the antibodies already. Your body is going to give out if you don’t rest. That’s priority number one. Got it?”
I looked up at him, my face soaked from the tears I’d cried, with more fresh ones threatening to fall.
Because Lachlan saw me laid bare. It wasn’t the first time, either.
He knew I needed help getting away from Greg.
He knew I needed a safe place to land before Reid arrived, and he gave that to me.
Even after I pushed him away. Even when, time after time, I kept showing him how broken I was.
He saw that, and he still wanted to help.
In the middle of his own pain. In the middle of his own struggles. He was helping me.
“Don’t get lost in your mind, Lainey. I know what that’s like. I know what it can take from you.”
“I’m not in my m-mind. I’m here. I-in this room with you.”
“Good girl. Stay right here with me. That’s where I want you to be.”
I took a few deep breaths, letting myself just be held.
How long had it been since someone other than Lachlan just held me?
Maybe when I was twelve or thirteen, and Birdie was comforting me after a rough day at school?
Fifteen years since I’d felt someone pour their physical touch with such gentleness and care back into me.
“I don’t need to stay in your room tonight. I’m good. Everything just sort of boiled over.”
“No.” Lach’s tone left no room for argument. But I was going to anyway.
“You shouldn’t have to watch him for me. You’re not a babysitter. And even if you were, I don’t have any money to pay you with. Not until I pawn my ring, or sell my car, and I kind of can’t do that when I need to be able to take Reid to his appointments, and to go to my own, too.”
“Whoa. First off, Reid’s car seat base is in my truck for a reason. We should sell your car, and you can take that money and reinvest it in your business…if that’s something you still want to do.”
“Of course it is. I love cooking.”
“I know you do.” His smile was so warm, I felt like I was standing under the sun. “And as long as I don’t have to get out of the truck, well, I can drive you to wherever you need to go to drop orders off.”
“That doesn’t make you feel nervous? It doesn’t trigger your anxiety?”
Lachlan shook his head. “I think I’ve quickly learned that there is something more important to be worried about. Well, two someones. And their safety is very important to me. When I’m with you and Reid, it soothes something inside my soul.”
I think he realized how lost I was for a response, chuckling as he shifted his arms around me. “I still want you to go sleep in my bed. I’ll sleep in here tonight with Reid. That way, every little noise he makes won’t wake you up. Come on, I’ll help you get settled.”
Lach’s hand slid to the small of my back, gently guiding me up and out of his hold. A minute later, we were in his room, my sleepy body already wrapped up in his comforter and sinking deeper into his mattress. I could smell his cologne lingering in the air, calming my nerves.
“Are you comfortable? Do you need anything?” he asked as I shook my head, letting my hand peek out from under the blanket. Like a child asking for a treat, I moved my fingers back and forth until he got the hint, slipping his hand over mine.
“Thank you. It doesn’t seem like enough for everything you’ve done for me. For every way you see the truth of what I’m going through. For the safety you give to Reid and to me.”
Lachlan bent down, leaning more onto his cane as his lips pressed to my forehead.
“Rest, Lainey. You deserve it. I’ve got Reid tonight. And I’ve got you, too.”