37. Lachlan
Lachlan
“Here.” I set my cane against the side of the sofa, and scooped the baby out of Lainey’s arms. Balancing him in one arm, I grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and spread it out over her legs. “I’ve got him for a bit. Close your eyes and rest.”
I’d been carefully watching Lainey the last few days. Hoping that the rest she’d gotten at night would help her feel better. I knew a couple of nights wasn’t going to solve everything…
“He’s just going to cry out for me in a minute.”
“I’ll take him for a walk. Outside. You need more sleep.”
“Lach—”
“I’ve got this, Trouble. I promise. Just some good ol’ fashion guy bonding time.”
She smiled. “Guy bonding?”
“Yup. Isn’t that right, little dude?” I lifted his hand and waved at her.
“Okay. I could close my eyes for a few minutes. But I want to nurse him during the day. And you should catch up on sleep, too. I know you were up all night with him, and you didn’t sign up—”
“It’s exactly what I signed up for. I’m fine. And I’ll bring him right back if he starts fussing.”
“It’s hot out today…”
“We’ll stay in the shade. I’ve got it, Lain. Rest.”
I could see the way she wanted to keep arguing, but to my surprise, she nodded, her eyes closing as she sank further into the couch.
Reid bounced gently in the crook of my right arm as I walked out onto the porch. As soon as I hit the steps, the sun walloped me with heat. Luckily, the chairs were still out under the old oak tree, and that would be the perfect place for us to chill.
As I sat, bringing Reid up to rest on my chest, I realized something familiar was missing.
The slight pressure that always sat against my lungs was gone, replaced with a buzz that lived just under the surface of my skin.
I looked down at Reid, his face moving into little smiles as he slept, and I felt nothing but peace.
Nothing.
But.
Peace.
My God. This little boy, who’s back I could still cover with my entire hand, was medicine to my soul.
But that shouldn’t surprise me. His mama was too.
“LaLa!! LaLa!!” Beckett’s voice filtered over to me on the breeze. I looked across the field, squinting to see my sister chasing after my menace of a nephew. He was wild and wonderful, and I couldn’t wait to see him play with Reid in a few months.
“Hey, aren’t you supposed to walk with your mommy?” I asked as he stood on his tiptoes at my side a few minutes later. Jessie was still half a football field away, her hair streaming behind her as she marched toward us. I had a feeling I was about to witness an atomic parenting moment.
“I sorry. I…I want to see the baby! Baby Weed!”
“That’s right. It’s baby Reid. Okay…” I dropped my voice to a whisper as I tried not to chuckle at the way he said the baby’s name. “Be very quiet, because baby Reid is sleeping and his mommy needs lots of rest, so we have to make sure he stays sleeping.”
“Otay,” Beckett whispered back. “Hi, baby Weed. I’m Beckett! I broughted you a flower!” He lifted his little hand and opened his fingers, slowly revealing a crushed dandelion. “I pick-ted this with my mama!”
“That’s really nice, Beckett. I bet Reid will love picking them with you when he’s older.”
My nephew looked at me with his little brows drawn down together. “He can’t play now?”
“No. He’s still too little, but soon, I promise.”
“Otay.”
“Beckett!” Jessie called out, finally at the edge of my yard. “Do not just go running away from mommy like that!”
“I see LaLa! And baby Weed!”
“And you could have still come over to see them, just with mommy, okay?”
Beckett shrugged. “I get bubbles?” he asked, turning to me.
“Yeah, kiddo. That’s fine. They’re still on the porch. Go grab ‘em and come back over here.”
“I swear that kid is going to be the death of me.” Jessie laughed as she sank into the chair next to me. She held out her arms, smiling as she wiggled her fingers like a kid asking for something. And I knew exactly what she wanted.
“Here, he’s been sleeping this whole time, but he needs to stay asleep, for Lainey’s sake.”
“Those first few weeks are so tough. Is she getting enough sleep?”
“I don’t think she has been. But last night she agreed to let me help during the night, so I’m hoping it’s the start of her getting more rest.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes, laughing while we watched Beckett open the container of bubbles and pour half directly onto the ground. That had Reid wiggling around a little, but a few bounces and pats on his back, and my sister had him right back to sleep.
“Can I ask you something? About after you had Beckett?” I asked.
Jessie’s eyes tightened, but she smiled. “Of course you can.”
“Did you ever…I mean, I know you must have felt really emotional. And cried. With all the hormones and everything.”
“Oh, God yeah. And after everything that happened…” Her eyes shifted to the ground.
“With Dakota.”
“Yeah. I had a hard time.”
“But you still felt like you had a connection with Beckett, right? Like, you knew you were meant to be his mom, and that you loved him? And it got easier?”
Jessie nodded. “What’s going on?”
“Lainey’s struggling. I think everything just sort of broke apart for her when Reid arrived, and I’m not sure how to help her put the pieces back together.
She was doing better until Greg showed up the other day and now it just seems like…
she’s just feeling really disconnected from him, and I’m worried—”
“What are you doing?!” Lainey’s shrill voice cut through our conversation as the door slammed against the frame. “Why is she holding Reid?! Are you crazy?! I trusted you!”
I stood, catching her before she got to Jessie. That was the wrong move. Lainey’s entire face went red as her breathing started picking up.
“Let. Go. Of. Me.”
I dropped my hand immediately and took a step back. “Reid is safe with Jessie. She hasn’t done anything except hold him out here in the fresh air.”
“She has a toddler! Her husband works at a place where guys from all over the country travel here to train with his team! You didn’t see that risk?
I told you about how sick I was after your mom kissed him, and still you didn’t think about Reid at all!
I trusted you. LET ME PASS AND GIVE ME MY BABY! ”
I stepped even further away from Lainey, almost as fast as Jessie moved to get out of her chair.
“Lainey, I’m so sorry. If I felt sick at all, I wouldn’t have held him. Hawk, and Beckett, our family is healthy.”
She didn’t seem to hear anything Jessie said.
Her eyes were only on her son, now tucked back into her arms. The tears were back, silently making their way down her face.
“It’s okay, Reid. I’m here. I messed up, but I won’t again.
I promise. I won’t.” Lainey marched back into the house without another word to Jessie or me.
“Fuck!” My hand raked through my hair.
“I’m going to talk to Birdie. This isn’t just normal postpartum feelings.
And if Lainey struggling is going to put your progress in danger, then I think maybe it’s best for everyone if she does move in with her sister.
The safe house is supposed to be finished soon.
Lainey and Reid can move in there and start over. ”
“They aren’t moving anywhere,” I snapped, my eyes still locked on the front door. “I’m fine. She’s the reason I’m working so hard to heal from my broken mind.”
“Lachlan, I—”
“I love her, Jess!” My chest heaved at my rushed confession.
My head spun, dizzy with the weight that had been lifted off my chest at the admission.
“Christ! All this goddamn time I’ve been fighting it because I know what everyone in this family will think!
That two broken people won’t be able to pick up the pieces of each other.
That we’ll just spiral into darkness together and never come back from the abyss.
But that’s just it. She’s already saved me.
When no one else in this family could. When I couldn’t save myself!
I was never getting off that fucking porch, Jess.
And she gave me a reason to. That house isn’t a prison anymore with her inside. It’s a goddamn home.”
I wasn’t supposed to love her. I wasn’t supposed to let this grow into something that consumed me.
That fed my anxious mind a picture of peace and happiness it hadn’t thought about in a long time.
But every time I had her curled up against me, her warmth pouring into my body as Reid laid over my heart, it was clear I’d fucked my plans all up.
I just thought I was helping a friend. And in the process, I found my forever.
I loved Lainey Calloway.
I fucking loved her.
And I loved her son. I didn’t want them to move out to the safe house. I didn’t want to have a quiet house again. I didn’t want to go one single moment without holding the two of them in my arms.
I should have said it before now. I should have told her how I was feeling instead of letting the fear hold me back.
“I didn’t know you felt that way—” My sister was going to tell me all the reasons why it would never work. Why it couldn’t work. But I wasn’t done. Even without Lainey here, my voice felt steady. Sure of what I had to do next.
“I don’t want her to leave. I’m not letting her drown on her own anymore.
Every person in her life has left her. Even Birdie, who was doing her best and who I don’t fault at all because Lainey pushed her away so fucking hard.
But I won’t be pushed. She deserves someone who will fight for her happiness.
Who will fight for her to be healthy. She did that for me.
She still is doing that for me. And I’ll do it for her, too. ”
Jess stared, wide eyes glistening. “Does she know? Does she know that you feel like this? That you’re willing to put your recovery on the line for her?”
“I’m not sacrificing myself for her, Jess.
Jesus! You act like we can’t be happy and healthy together.
That’s a load of crap! I’m in therapy. I haven’t given up.
I’m working every plan Sloane has put into place for me.
And you know what? Lainey’s seen that. She’s already agreed to talk to her doctor next week.
Because we both understand that it’s something beyond us.
Something that she needs professional help with.
So get off your high horse and open your eyes.
I’m happy. I’m happy for the first time in years.
I go to bed each night ready for the next day to come.
Because I have her. And I have Reid. And I’m… I’m finally really happy again.”
Tears were streaming down my sister’s face by the time I finished. And running my hand across my own face, I realized I was crying, too.
“I’m sorry I pushed so hard. I’m happy for you. And for Lainey. Whatever support you two need, I’m here. Okay? We’ll figure out how to help Lainey.”