Chapter 17
LILA
We lay tangled together in my bed, the sheets twisted around us as our breathing slowly settled.
Reid’s hand moved in gentle strokes down my bare back, his fingers tracing lazy patterns along my spine.
He pressed a soft kiss to the top of my head, his breath warm against my hair. “I’ve missed being with you like this.”
With the warmth of his body around me and the steady rhythm of his heartbeat under my cheek, everything felt right. I had longed for this during our time apart.
But as the emotional high began to fade, reality started creeping back in.
I wasn’t sorry we had done this. I didn’t regret reaching for him or how I had given myself up to the passion that still burned between us.
That didn’t mean the fear was gone, though. If anything, it was more insistent as it returned because there was no denying I was letting him back in.
The thought made me panic a little. I had spent weeks building walls to protect myself, and now I was willingly lowering them.
Nestled against his chest, I was quietly torn between the deep vulnerability I felt in his arms and the very real fear of getting hurt again. His hand continued its slow path down my back, and I knew I had to speak up or we’d lose any progress we’d made together.
I lay there in his arms for a while longer before the words I had been holding back finally rose to the surface.
“The quiet moments like this were what I lived for,” I whispered. “But eventually I felt like I was competing with everything. Your work. Your phone. The office. Keeping the peace.”
Reid’s hand stilled on my back, but he didn’t interrupt.
“I kept shrinking myself just to fit into the spaces you had left while you worried about everyone else’s needs.
” I heaved a deep sigh. “You nailed the crux of the problem in your letter. I got into the habit of deciding whether something was worth bringing up before I said it, and I can’t do that anymore. ”
His arms tightened as he held me and listened.
My throat was tight as I continued, “I want to be very clear that Kaylee wasn’t the problem. She was just a symptom. The real issue was that I stopped believing I mattered enough to come first sometimes.”
The words hurt to say out loud, but I needed to get them out. Tears slipped down my cheeks as I spoke, the vulnerability of admitting how small I had felt making my chest ache.
Reid waited to make sure I was done before he spoke.
“I don’t blame you even a little for feeling that way.
I’ve been working on that part of myself in therapy—learning how to make our relationship a priority, where it always belonged.
If you give me another chance, I won’t make you compete for space in your own life again. ”
I closed my eyes, letting his words sink in. They were what I had wanted to hear for so long, but they didn’t magically erase the pain. The raw ache of all the times I had felt dismissed still weighed on me.
The slow, steady erosion had done a lot of damage before I took his ring off.
And even as I lay here in his arms, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to trust that it wouldn’t happen again. I knew I couldn’t rush this.
“I need time.” My voice was the barest whisper of sound. “I’m not ready to say everything is okay yet.”
Reid nodded against my hair and held me a little tighter, respecting my boundary. “Okay. Take all the time you need. I’ll be here whenever you’re ready.”
His acceptance felt good. I appreciated that he didn’t attempt to negotiate, giving me the respect I deserved as his partner. Or former partner. The lines were blurred, and there wasn’t a term that really applied to whatever it was we were now.
Which was why sex with your ex was usually not a great idea. Except I was no longer certain he would remain my ex.
I didn’t know what the future held, but I didn’t feel like I was disappearing inside our relationship, whatever label we eventually put on it.
“Unfortunately, that means you should probably go.”
“Yeah.” Reid gave me one last kiss before sliding out of bed and getting dressed.
I slipped on a robe and walked him to the door, the quiet between us comfortable but full of things still left undecided.
As soon as the door closed behind him, I called Kinsley.
She answered right away. “How’s your weekend?”
I laughed despite myself. “A whole lot better after a couple of orgasms.”
“Lila Voss,” she whisper-shouted. “Have you been holding out on me?”
“No, this was wholly unplanned.”
I explained about the texts from my mom, about calling Reid, and about how his rushing over in case I needed him made me feel.
“So of course you thanked him with sex.”
Her dry retort made me giggle. “Not exactly, but one thing led to another.”
“As it often does.” I could all too easily picture her wagging her brows as she asked, “But gimme the important details. How was it?”
I pressed my hand against my chest. “As incredible as ever.”
“I hate you.” Kinsley let out a dramatic sigh. “But also, good for you. So…what now?”
“I’m not sure.” I bit my bottom lip before confessing, “I maybe kinda sorta kicked him out of my bed after I panicked a little.”
“Ouch,” she teased. “But seriously, you were well within your rights to take your orgasms and leave it at that.”
“Yeah, except we both know this isn’t really over.”
“Then take it slow,” she suggested. “Start dating again if you want to keep the door open. But be sure to tell Reid I haven’t decided against kicking his ass yet, so he’d better be on his best behavior.”
“Thanks, Kinsley.”
She shrugged off my gratitude before launching into a story about the soup restaurant she found the other day, which she insisted had the best cream of mushroom soup she’d ever tasted.
After we hung up, I sat on the edge of my bed and thought about her suggestion. I wasn’t ready to jump back in with both feet, but I also didn’t want to close the door completely. Taking it slow felt right.
I picked up my phone and texted Reid.
Me
Would you like to go on a dinner date sometime this week?
His reply came almost immediately.
Reid
How about tonight?
His obvious excitement made me smile.
Me
Sure, but you’re not picking me up.
I knew that would irritate him since he’d driven to all of our dates unless we were spontaneously meeting up, but it felt important to me.
Reid
I’ll take you any way I can get you, baby.
As we planned where to meet, I felt a cautious but genuine spark of hope.