Jade
Chapter thirty-six
Mateo's phone vibrates next to me on the counter. Kyler's name flashes across the screen, but he makes no move to answer the call.
"That's the second time he's called," I say.
"I'll call him back later," he says with a shrug.
Mateo slices two croissants and drizzles them with olive oil.
"What are you making us?" I ask.
"You'll like it," he says, lifting one side of his mouth up in a half smile.
I pull out my phone and take a picture. He sticks his tongue out, and I snap another.
It's early afternoon and we're back at his parents' house. Mateo insisted I needed food, because according to him, I turn into a Jade-asaurus if I haven't eaten, even after a mind-blowing orgasm.
"Slice that tomato?" Mateo asks, gesturing to the tomato in front of him.
I nod and grab a cutting board and knife.
"You want to hear something funny?" I ask.
"Hmm?"
I slice into the purple tomato. "Before meeting Addie, I didn't know tomatoes came in any color beside red."
Mateo chuckles, and his phone buzzes on the counter again.
"Maybe it's important," I say.
"Maybe your mom's call is important." He raises a brow and places slices of the tomato I cut on one side of the croissants.
"She needs money," I say, slicing more of the tomato. "Her electric bill is due in two days."
I slide the cutting board closer to him, and he finishes laying tomato slices on the croissants. He adds pinches of salt and pepper, and then a few leaves of basil.
He tops them with fresh mozzarella and slides the pan into the warmed oven.
It's scary. Scary because I can see it. Him. Me. Us. I can see letting him take care of me. I can see wanting him to. It doesn't matter how often I remind myself we can't be, that this is temporary, my body and my heart don't want to fucking listen.
"Will you give it to her?" he asks.
"What?"
"Will you give your mom money?"
I shake my head and duck under his arms, craving closeness. I hop onto the counter and am immediately reminded of our first tryst. His beard is rough beneath my hands when I pull his lips to mine.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me."
I push against Mateo's chest, and he stumbles backward. We both turn to the sound of Addie's voice. Her face is pinched, her jaw tight.
"Addie, I—" I start.
"I fucking hate you both," Addie says, shaking her head. "This is why he was at your apartment today and last week?" she asks me. "Because you're fucking my brother?"
Mateo and I share a look.
Addie holds up her phone. "I have both of your fucking locations. Did you forget?"
"He brought me soup," I say, jumping from the counter. "I was sick."
"You look fucking fine to me."
"I'm s—"
"Fuck you," Addie says, her lips curled into a snarl. And then she points at Mateo. "And you. I can't believe you. My best friend?" She huffs. "My best friend and my brother. Fucking Kevin. The bastard was fucking right."
"Addie, listen, it's not—" Mateo says, taking a step toward her.
"Don't you dare come closer to me. You know the worst part?
The worst part is I fucking knew. Everything fucking pointed to it, and yet I chose not to believe it.
I talked myself out of thinking the two of you could ever betray me like this.
Silly fucking me for thinking either of you had any fucking standards. "
She storms past us, tears streaming down her face, into the living room.
Mateo's phone buzzes again.
"Oh my fucking God," I say, glancing at it.
A text from Kyler pops up at the top of the screen.
The words blur together as I pick it up.
Jade. InASnap. Shitstorm.
I shove the phone into Mateo's chest and hop off the counter to my feet.
"I fucking told you," I say. "I should've never agreed to this, I fucking knew better. I knew it was a bad idea. What the fuck did we do?" Tears threaten to fall, but I blink them back. "This, us, it's fucking done."
Addie's door is ajar when I get upstairs. I take a deep breath and push it open.
"It was just sex," I say.
She spins around, curling her lip, and yeah I guess that wasn't the right thing to say.
"I mean, it was never anything more than that.
Addie, I…" I don't know what to say. The words taste bitter, and worse, they don't seem like enough.
It was never supposed to happen like this.
She was never supposed to know. It was our secret, and now it's a mess.
One I'm forced to clean up alone because Addie and I aren't siblings.
She isn't stuck with me for the rest of our lives, like she is with Mateo.
But I know better than anyone that blood doesn't mean family. Is this what Charlie meant? Does she know? Was she talking about the mess I've found myself in? The tangled web I've spun?
Fuck. I messed up my chosen family for orgasms. I'm a horrible fucking person.
But it was more than orgasms, and that's why this hurts so bad. That's why this is such a disaster.
"You lied to me," Addie says. "You're supposed to be my best friend, and you fucking lied to me. I asked you if he was seeing anyone."
"We… I…we aren't seeing each other."
I'm still lying. Now just to her face.
"Yeah well, tell that to my fucking brother, because he clearly didn't adhere to your boundaries."
"I'm sorry," I say.
"You're sorry? Seriously? Not only are you fucking my brother, but you lied to me about it." She holds up her hand. "Don't even. Lies of omission are still fucking lies, Jade."
My chest crumples beneath the weight of what we've done.
What I've done.
So I do the only thing I can think of. I walk away.
Mateo is still in the kitchen when I come down. His face is hopeful, and he reaches out for me, but I skate past him and out the door.
Even breathing the same air as him feels like a lie right now.
Like betrayal.
She's never going to forgive me.
Silence is the worst. It forces you to be alone with your thoughts and emotions. It's not a friend to bounce things off of. It's not a lyric to make you feel less alone. It's emptiness, a penance for your sins.
The drive to pick up Cooper from school is a punishment of my own making.
He feels it too, the tension in the car is too thick and he rolls down the window, letting the December air in.
The cold makes me feel alive, and I roll mine down a bit too.
He plugs his phone into the aux cord and asks me to turn up the music.
We sing a little too loud to each song that plays.
Punk rock is odd in a way. The way the beats get our heads moving, lifting our spirits.
But if I listen to some of the lyrics, they're fucking depressing. It's like a magic trick—a lie.
Just like me.
I'm a fucking punk rock song.
I don't deserve Cooper. The kid is way too good for me.
When we get home, he sits down at our small kitchen table with his homework, and I climb into bed.
He doesn't ask questions or give me sad looks.
He knows I need space. So much so that he takes it upon himself to make grilled cheese for dinner.
Mine sits untouched on a paper plate on my white plastic nightstand.
I keep asking myself the same question over and over. What part did I fuck up? Was it saying yes to Mateo to start with? Or was it keeping it from her? Would she be this mad at me if I'd been honest? I don't know the answer, but I also don't think I want to know, because I'm not sure I'd like it.
Tears slide down my cheeks, falling to my pillow.
I'm begging you not to let any of this destroy that.
I asked Mateo to remain a constant in Cooper's life. I begged him.
But what will that look like if Addie never forgives me? I wasn't expecting it to end like this. I expected him to move back to Baltimore or us to start seeing other people.
My emotions are haywire, flipping from anger to sadness to disappointment with every thought. I can't seem to regulate them, and I hate that the two people who I trust to help me navigate it all, aren't in my corner anymore.
I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. My choices are my own, but that doesn't stop me from blaming Mateo right now. It's all his fault. Fucking friends with benefits. Fuck him. What a stupid fucking idea.
My phone lights up with another notification. I haven't looked at it since I walked out the Hayes' door. I'm not even sure what time it is. The apartment is dark, but winter lies. Cooper went to bed earlier, but that could have been hours or minutes ago. If winter lies, time is an illusion.
According to my phone it's one a.m.. Who is blowing up my phone?
I want it to be Addie. Regardless of my other feelings, it's her I want to hear from.
A text from her would mean she could forgive me, even if it's not right away.
I can live with that. She's the best friend I've ever had.
The friend who shows up and keeps showing up.
It doesn't matter we've been friends less than a year.
Besides Coop, she's the most important person in my life.
Addie's name is probably the only name in my contacts not flooding my notifications.
There're texts from people I haven't talked to in months, years even.
I don't read them. I can't bring myself to.
Like I can't bring myself to google Mateo.
I'm afraid of what I'll see. How bad is it?
Most of the texts and missed calls are from him.
I delete them without reading, and mute him, like I should've muted him two months ago.
I'm strong, but I'm not strong enough to block him, not yet.
Maybe not ever.