Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Anna’s day had been fraught. She had borne the burden of Beatrice’s worry and concern over her brother, managing to have a guest in the house, the chores associated with Silas’ wound, and done it all in the shadow of her husband’s anger.
She had managed to avoid him all day, sending Lena to fetch her toilette and outfit for the day until the evening when Silas had moved into the study.
Then she had watched as Lena and the other maids cleaned her bedchamber and brought in fresh sheets and bedding.
By the time Anna was ready to retire for the evening, everything had returned to normal.
The only difference was that Silas had not come to read to her.
Instead, she had heard him walking slowly outside.
The windows had been thrown open to air out the scent of blood and brandy, and the warmer, spring night air was floating gently on Anna’s face.
Silas was on the gravel below the window, his pipe lit and the scent of it wafting on the breeze.
Behind her, the carriage clock chimed for eleven o’clock.
Anna sighed. She was unbelievably tired, dead on her feet, but she knew she would not sleep until Silas returned to the house.
Suddenly, Silas’ pale face looked up at her.
“Can’t sleep?” The sound of his voice drifted easily up the stone walls, amplified by the courtyard. Anna shook her head. Silas jerked his head, the red tip of his pipe glowing. “Come down.”
Anna hesitated. He had been deeply unpleasant that morning. She had no desire to repeat it. Silas puffed up smoke in frustration.
“Please,” he said. “I want to say something.”
Anna nodded. Pulling Silas’ discarded great coat from the night before on top of her nightgown and slipping into her unlaced boots, she made her way quietly down the stairs and out of the back door.
Her feet crunched on the gravel. There was no moon tonight, only the golden light from the few illuminated windows of the house and the bright stars above.
Silas wore only a loose shirt, breeches and boots, his arm bound close to his chest in a sling.
“What did you want to say?” Anna pulled his coat tight across her chest.
“I wanted to say I’m sorry.” Silas looked down at his boots. “I treated you badly this morning.”
“You did.”
He sighed heavily. “I apologize.”
“It seems to be a pattern, Silas.” Anna tried to keep her frustration in check. “We grow closer, we seem to understand one another and then you... you push me away and hide things.”
“I am sorry for it.” Silas breathed out smoke like a dragon. “I know I have kept secrets, but some things must remain hidden, Anna.” He looked at her intently. “For your own safety.”
“I understand that.” Anna glared at him. “But there’s a limit, Silas. You can’t come home after someone has clearly made an attempt on your life and tell me nothing.”
Silas stared up at the sky, breathing out smoke slowly.
“I know,” he said eventually. “So, I will allow you one question. No matter what it is, I promise to answer honestly.”
Anna looked at him, trying to sense if he was lying.
There were so many questions and different elements of his life that were still beyond her reach.
She didn’t know why he was attacked. She didn’t know why he had killed his father.
She didn’t know why he felt the need to push her away and hurt her.
She didn’t know what he would say if she told him the truth, that she loved him and there was nothing that would change that.
None of these questions seemed right for this moment.
“Why ‘Lucifer’?” she asked, and Silas raised his eyebrows. “I mean, where does your reputation come from? What did you do overseas? Were you a spy, were you... I don’t know, an assassin? Did you win a great treasure in Africa? What is it?”
“The rumors of my fortune are more glamorous than the truth, I warn you.”
Silas breathed out slowly, tipping his head back to look at the stars above.
He answered quietly, “Your first guess was mostly right. I was a spy of sorts. After the death of my parents, I needed to provide for Beatrice. I took to the streets. I learned how to gamble, to pickpocket, to collect valuable information. Soon, I became useful to others around me.”
“How old were you?”
“Fifteen.” Silas’ eyes were bleak, and Anna’s heart ached for him. “I sold secrets, and I didn’t care what happened afterwards. Many people died. Soon, the bill started to come due. People started to come after me, trying to silence me. I had to learn to defend myself, to hurt others.”
“Your own veneer of steel,” Anna whispered.
“Veneer of death, more like.” Silas’ voice was harsh.
“That’s why people fear me, Anna. They can sense that destruction follows me.
I… I am not a good man.” Silas’ voice broke.
He blinked up at the sky. “I have tried to redeem myself, Lord knows I have tried.” Silas sighed deeply, closing his eyes. “But I have blood on my hands.”
“Your father?” Anna held her breath as Silas considered her.
“Yes. I hit him and he fell down the stairs. It gave me this.” Silas tapped a finger to the scar on his jaw.
Anna felt sorry that he had to carry a reminder of that day with him every time he looked in the mirror.
“He bled to death in our house. I didn’t try to save him.
” Silas shook his head. “That says something about me.”
“It says that the man hurt you and hurt you badly,” Anna said hotly. “It says that you had a little sister to care for and no other choice. It was an accident.”
“An accident.” Silas’ voice was hollow. She could tell he didn’t believe her.
“Trust me,” she gripped his good arm, making him look down into her eyes. “I know.”
“How?”
Anna took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a second. It was time to tell the truth.
“Because of my brother.” Inside her eyelids, memories flashed. She tried not to flinch as she spoke them into life. “It’s my fault that he’s dead. I killed him. That’s what my father believes.”
“Anna.”
“No, please, let me speak.”
Anna felt his arm gripping hers back, holding her steady.
“Father told Andrew he had to take me to this ball. Andrew wasn’t interested but Papa insisted he accompany me. We were set upon by highwaymen. They pulled us out of the carriage. They wanted my pearls, but I-I was too scared, I didn’t know what to do.”
Anna fought to keep her voice steady.
“The man became frustrated, he-he tried to t-touch me,” Anna swallowed the words and felt Silas’ fingers clench hers reflexively.
“I fought. It made it worse. Andrew couldn’t bear it.
He broke free of one of the bandits and was shot dead by the other.
They fled when they realized he was dead.
They were afraid of the noose. His blood is on my hands.
” Anna opened her stinging eyes and saw Silas’ compassionate expression. “Am I beyond redemption, too?”
“No, Anna, never,” Silas spoke fervently.
“Neither are you,” Anna spoke fiercely, letting her tears fall. “I don’t judge you by the choices you had to make in the past any more than you would judge me. You are a good man, Silas Klane.”
Silas dropped his pipe to the ground and tugged her hand, pulling her body close to his, the coat wrapped around her falling open so that her chest, protected only by a thin veil of her cotton night shift, pressed against his warm chest. Anna took a sharp intake of breath, her hands instinctively bracing herself against his broad chest. She could feel his heart racing.
“No, I am not,” he murmured, bending his lips close to hers. “If I were, I would not want you as I do. Not want to possess you,” his good hand grasped the back of her head, making her stare into his dark, starry eyes. “Body and soul.”
“Then do so,” Anna said and lifted her lips boldly to meet his, delighting in the rush of warm breath against her cold lips and cheeks.
They kissed for many long, dazzling minutes, Anna losing herself in the heady intoxication of Silas’ taste and touch.
Finally, they pulled apart, their hot breath rising like steam in the night air.
Anna took Silas’ hand, squeezing it as tightly as she had done the night before when he had been lost in nightmares.
All she wanted was to lay beside him, as close as possible, and know that he was safe.
“Come to bed, Silas,” she whispered.