Diamond Desire

Chapter Twenty

Turned out even a morning spent shopping for fancy dresses designed to make me feel better wasn’t enough to make me happy for more than ten minutes at a time. Or maybe people were simply just horrible, and I was a realist who knew that.

Right now my peace was gone, and I wanted to take a knife to Kiril’s face and cut it off until he was left as nothing more than a sack of meat and oozing blood. Perhaps that wasn’t a normal and rational thing that most people desired, but I didn’t care. He was a man and most men deserved to die. Most of them deserved a knife in the gut, a flame against their skin and a whole heap of nightmares that I had enough experience to offer out.

He wasn’t even doing anything wrong right now. He was minding his own business, and only moving to either have a drink, swipe at something on his phone, or to run a hand over his stupid buzzcut blonde head. Okay, his hair wasn’t that stupid. If anything, I was kind of inspired and for a single second debated shaving my own hair off. Then I remembered I was in the middle of a trauma filled life and making drastic decisions was never smart.

Saying that, though, when Delilah had dyed her hair purple at three in the morning as she drank far too much liquor and I had helped her, she hadn’t had regrets. She’d asked me to do the back of her head so she ‘didn’t look like a wanker’ and I hadn’t minded it because I’d been awake, anyway. I was always awake. But she seemed happy with her new hair and had eagerly offered to do mine, citing that I would look cool with a few stripes of something that I wouldn’t be doing. And though I wasn’t interested in changing my colour, I had once or twice debated something just to get that same look in her eyes that seemed almost fun.

But I also debated killing men in their sleep sometimes and until that wasn’t my first point of call when angry, I wouldn’t be doing anything drastic.

Kiril paused his coffee drinking, as he sat on the dark couch opposite me, waiting and watching like he said Beau had asked him to. The simple fact he was near me and kept putting his filthy eyes on me made me want to fight, and yet he seemed to take that as an invitation to speak to me.

“What are you thinking about, Yeva?”He asked, speaking to me in Russian.

It was the only reason I had agreed to let him sit near me without anyone else present. Sapphire had assigned a gangster to watch each of the girls in her house, to make sure we didn’t meet the same fate as my friends had, and Kiril was the only one beside Beau and Sapphire, who spoke the same language as me. Well, Beau had said there were a handful more, but they were all old men and back in Russia, and he figured I would find Kiril the least offensive. Beau was right. But I still found the irksome man opposite me mildly offensive.

I wanted to kill him, in fact.

“I’m thinking about how much I want to hurt you.”I didn’t lie. I hadn’t lied in years. There were nastier things in the world than telling the truth, and I refused to save other people’s feelings when nobody had ever cared for mine.

“Fair enough.” He swallowed another mouthful of his drink as my hands clenched the armrest and I wondered for the billionth time why I had been asked to come to the living room and wait when I didn’t care for the reunion that was about to take place.

Sapphire and Beau had asked me to do it. They had told me how two of the new banes of my existence were here to speak to me, after offering their souls to Sapphire and the Red Diamonds as an apology to me and to show their appreciation for me being found. They had said how my father had told them all I was dead and now he was dead and all the rest of the nonsense I didn’t care to listen to, for one simple fact. That life belonged to a different woman. It did not belong to me. I was dead and there was no going back on that, and I didn’t feel the need to pretend otherwise. Whatever bullshit people thought the old Yeva would have liked to hear was irrelevant.

For some reason though, I hadn’t left the living room. I’d stayed on the chair, letting Kiril watch me and wait with me as though I needed backup – or a bodyguard. He ought to have had a bodyguard from me because he never noticed that I had my gun in the back of my tight blue jeans. Nor did he notice the steak knife I’d stolen out of the kitchen and was hiding in the sleeve of my shirt. Even Diamond had spotted what I’d taken, and she was a child.

A child who had mimicked me and stolen a knife to, which was rather amusing even if it broke my heart to look at her sometimes.

She looked like her mother more with each day that passed, and I missed Carmen far too much.

The living room door opened up, the dark wood creaking, as I debated all the ways I could murder Kiril and hide his body. Despite knowing he was trained better than me, bigger than me, and probably a nightmare for me to carry, my thoughts did not dissipate. I may have been exercising and eating excellently lately, but I had years to go before I could take on monsters like him with ease. I would get there one day, though. I wouldn’t stop until I could. It was one of the few things giving me the motivation to make my fractured brain and soul a little healed.

“What are you thinking about now?” He asked, as a silent Red Diamonds gangster came into the room to drop off two trays filled with drinks and snacks before leaving.

I was on my feet before the trays had touched the table, pouring myself a coffee as I grabbed a handful of berries and some cookies.

“Killing you.” I spoke around a mouthful of a delicious raspberry and white chocolate cookie that I had watched Diamond help Kody make. “Specifically killing you, then hiding your body.”

Kiril slowly got up, taking a moment to refresh his coffee as he pretended he couldn’t see me glaring at him for daring to come near.

“Why?” He asked.

I scoffed and took my seat – the furthest one from Kiril and the door; a thick, cushioned armchair that was probably more expensive than half the stuff in the room, based on how comfortable it was.

“Stupid question.”I said.

“No. Because not only did I only meet you recently, but I’ve done nothing I would consider rude toward you. So have I made you mad somehow, without realizing?”He took his coffee back to his seat, settling down again with his legs spread far too wide.

“You are a man, and men should die.” My words didn’t sound half as angry as I meant them to be on account of the cookie in my mouth, but he heard me anyway.

“Okay then.”He snorted a little despite the anger in my tone. “I see. That’s fine. I like to know what I’m working with, and I thank you for your honesty.”

“What do you mean, working with?”I scoffed again.

“I’m your bodyguard?”He said it like I was slow or something. “Sapphire has assigned a guard to each of you girls until this whole drama is over with, and I was gifted with the pleasure of your company.”

I already knew what he was saying, but I was in the mood to pick faults and argue, so pretended to be uninformed.

“I don’t want you.” Kiril heard me say that clearly as anything.

“I’m the only Red Diamonds member who speaks Russian aside from the Montana’s.”He explained softly. “They don’t make a habit of bringing the Russian side of their family here, and even though Sapphire tried to find a woman, there wasn’t one who spoke your language.”

I hadn’t known Sapphire had attempted to find a woman for me first, and that knowledge made me the tiniest bit happier. Not towards Kiril, only to Sapphire and then Beau by default.

“I speak English.” My eyes rolled as I finished my cookie and glugged my coffee in almost one sip so I could get to my feet and leave – I was bored with waiting, and refused to do it for another moment more.

Kiril got up as though he would follow me.

“But not all the time. Not well enough.”He replied.

“I don’t want you. I never will. So you might as well leave me alone now, rather than keep pushing me. Because I will go out of my way to make you hate waking up each day if you continue to piss me off.”I snarled.

The door opened, but I didn’t bother to turn to it. Instead, I glared at Kiril, hoping he would take a step closer so I could have a valid reason to stab him that Sapphire and Beau wouldn’t get mad about. Not that I thought Sapphire cared about stabbing in general, but apparently Kiril was mildly her cousin or something and I figured she wouldn’t be happy if I slit his throat ear to ear.

He smiled softly at me. “I’m not asking you to want me, Yeva. I’m asking you to let me protect you and keep you safe from anymore monsters. That’s it. You just have to let me do my job.”

“Then let me rephrase myself. I won’t ever trust you to look out for me – I won’t ever let you near me enough to save me and-”I cut myself off when my name was said.

Well, said was the wrong word for it. My name was whispered like a prayer and a sin all in one, with the rough voice of a man I did not know, tainted with the slight lilt of a boy I had once considered my home.

“Yeva.” My name was whispered again, by another.

Another man.

Another memory.

Another thing I did not need or want.

Turning my back on Kiril, I pretended I didn’t care about facing the grown up versions of my childhood best friends – I acted like it was nothing to see them and I would do so until they went away. Partly out of spite, mostly out of the deep hatred and anger that fuelled me far more than blood or oxygen did.

“Vissarion.” The tall, black-haired monster on the right, with enough tattoo covered muscles to make me terrified, was the first I greeted, and my tone was not polite. It was even less polite as I turned to his slenderer counterpart, with the longer brown hair that curled around his sharp jaw. “Daniil.”

They looked similar to how I remembered. Height and strength aside, I could see the familiarities of the two men I had loved in a time when love had been a thing in my life. Daniil still had those big hazel eyes dripping with long lashes, and the silver chain his beloved grandfather had gifted to him on his fifth birthday around his neck. Vissarion still required glasses, but now they were big, black and square, and covered his pretty brown eyes that had always stared at the world with too much softness for how cruel it was. The pair were covered from their necks and below with tattoos, the same way Kiril was. I could see the Bratva ink on all three men too, and just like Beau, they did not wear it with pride. If anything, they seemed like they were covering up the evidence of their bullshit gangster lives. As though anyone would ever be able to look at them and not see them for who they truly were.

Monsters.

Monsters in the flesh of something claiming to be human.

They deserved to die, just like the rest of the men in the world did. All of them ought to have been put down and though I had no skill to do such a thing, I really wished I did.

I would have avenged all my friends – all the women who had felt the heartless touch of a world run by monsters and had never once been able to seek retribution.

“Why are you here?” I spat, hands shaking, as I debated just how hard it would be to shoot everyone in the room and then run. “What do you want?”

Daniil scoffed as they both rushed toward me, voices almost shouting over each other in their desperation to be the biggest tool in the room.

“What do we want? Are you serious, Yeva?!” He snarled at me like a fucking animal that needed to be put down.

I wanted to put him down.

“We thought you were dead and-” Vissarion grabbed my arm to pull me toward him and I instantly felt sick to my core.

Part of it was out of fear, but most of it was out of hatred. The kind of hatred that made each fiber of my soul come alive with the urge to cause havoc in the worst sort of ways.

I wanted his hands to be cut off.

Iwanted to cut off his hands.

“Don’t fucking touch me.” I shoved him away with all my might and took a few steps back.

To give him the slightest of credits that I would never say out loud, Kiril pulled his gun from his jeans, and used it to indicate the two men take a seat and leave me alone. But it was too late in my mind. They’d already put their hands on me – they’d already reminded me of things best left unsaid and proved to me once more than no matter the men they claimed to be, I knew what they truly were.

Like how I knew that the night my father had sold me, they had stood in the other room, doing nothing to stop him. Granted, they had been children too. But they knew how to shoot – we had all been taught how to shoot and they could have used a gun. Or a knife. Or anything. Fuck, they could have at least asked for my father not to get rid of me – not to send me off to the worst years of my life.

I would have put a bullet in my father’s head before I let him hurt them.

They had not offered me the same curtesy and for that alone; they were dead to me.

Before the pair could continue trying to force me into dealing with their presences, I pulled the knife out of my sleeve, needing the weight of something in my hand to feel calmer – a weapon on hand to feel safer. I wouldn’t use it right away, but if they touched me again, then their flesh was fair game.

“Get out and don’t come back. I have nothing to say to you and I do not care to speak to you again. You are nothing to me, and you always will be.”I snapped, knife handle digging into my palm. “I did not need or want to see you, and I don’t know why you came here.”

Vissarion shook his head, and I noticed his hands were in fists just like mine had been and wondered if he was struggling with a temper too.

I hoped he had one.

I would use it to bait him into anger so that I could kill him.

“No. We can’t do that; not until you’ve heard us out.”He said, voice a little less harsh.

“I said no.”My jaw ticked as I turned away from them, heading toward the door until I saw Kiril shut it. “Seeing as I can do that now, I really wish you would respect it.” I glared at the blonde demon. “Move out my fucking way, you useless piece of shit.”

He was useless at being my bodyguard. A good bodyguard would have made the men leave me alone. A good bodyguard would have ensured I wasn’t carrying weapons that I was more than happy to use.

Kiril shook his head. “The boss said to keep you here until he comes back, and I don’t disobey orders.”

“What a good dog you are.”My knife lifted, and I pointed it his way, not caring for if it made me look crazy. “Did you do the same thing for your old bosses? Did you bark each time they ordered you to speak?” I laughed at him. “You are a pathetic little bitch and I’m not surprised you’re here. You don’t have the balls to be a real gangster man. You’re too much of a sheep.”

To be fair, my judgement wasn’t correct. If Kiril was a sheep, then it would make him a very good soldier. The Bratva always loved dogs who loved being on a leash and were loyal to none but their master. But still, I felt like being a bitch, so I would be.

“My dad was the leader. I did as he said until I put a bullet in his skull.”He drawled, arms crossing over his chest, entirely unbothered. “Your friends here did the same to your father when they found out what he had done to you. Maybe you could at least hear them out?”

I moved close enough I could push the tip of the blade against his stupid big chest, right where his unfeeling heart would be. “Are you going to make me stay here?”

I didn’t know what he knew about me or where I had come from, but he instantly blanched and shook his head, his tone harsh as he said, “No.”

“Then move. Move or I will ruin your life and make you regret the day you first looked at me.”It would have been easily done.

There were more ways to hurt people than death.

I had learned long ago all the twisted things humans could do to another being they wanted to break.

He ran a hand over his face. “You aren’t a prisoner here, Yeva. This was just a request – it was meant to be a nice thing for you to see friends again.”

The blade dug deeper, pushing firmly against his skin as I fought the urge to continue my reign of anger and cut his heart out like I had dreamed about doing. A few drops of blood stained the fabric of his shirt and the sight of it filled me with a smug satisfaction. It was just a shame that it wasn’t enough to make me calmer – it wasn’t enough to stop me from needing to escape.

“I have no friends here. The only friends I have are the girls upstairs and the dead. So move out of my fucking way and send those bastards back to the icy hellhole they crawled out from.”I hissed.

The idiots behind me both got to their feet instantly, tempers flaring. They’d been angry as boys – it was one of the many things I’d loved about them – but as adults I did not enjoy such things even if I had wanted to use it as an excuse to hurt them.

Angry men scared me, and I didn’t want to be scared again.

“Your father told us you were dead – he had a funeral for you and everything.” Daniil said, as the pair of them launched into a story of their lives and the bullshit tales they listened to as I paced the room, unable to sit still or face leaving when I wasn’t sure if I would truly be allowed to go, or if I would be followed.

The men were watching me. Always watching. I could feel their presence like a noose around my neck and though it ought to have made me feel something – perhaps even happy – it did nothing but anger me more.

How dare Daniil and Vissarion come here and see me?

How dare they think I would want to see them?

How fucking dare Kiril, the dickhead stranger, try to tell me I had to stay here and listen?

I moved toward the door again, making up my mind. But as predicted, I was followed by the leeches that were draining me from the inside out, fucking with my head in more ways than I would have liked.

“When we found out you were alive, we killed him – he is dead, and we came for you. We wanted to show you how sorry we were and find out how you could forgive us.”Vissarion was practically yelling as he cut off my escape and got in my face, his desperation to get me to listen clear as day.

He grabbed my arm again. He fucking touched me. Again.

It was a shame for him that I wouldn’t let people yell at or touch me without consent again, especially men.

The knife in my hand sunk into his thigh, about two inches deep, before I could even think about what I was doing. The gun came into my hand a second later; the safety coming right off.

“You listened to his lies!”I hissed, unable to restrain my anger as I lifted my gun, holding it toward his chest. “You believed him, and you abandoned me. That is not something I will ever forgive, and I need you to hear me when I say that.”

“Then kill me.”He pulled the blade out without flinching, handing it to me back as he moved closer, letting the gun touch him. He was a lot taller than me, so it didn’t touch his heart, but I reckoned it was placed high enough to kill him, anyway. “Take out my heart if it will make you forgive me, angel. It always belonged to you anyway and I deserve far worse than death for what I did not save you from.”

I wasn’t an angel. I had never been one, and I never wanted to be. They were too pure and precious and kind. I was never going to be those things again.

I hadn’t been precious for years.

“You think pretty words get you somewhere with me?”I laughed darkly, even though I yanked the gun back enough not to touch him with it. “You think you can pretend to love me and have been devastated over my loss as though you can understand a single thing about it? You are a dirty fucking liar and I hate you!”

My brain kept warring between executing him and letting him finish his bullshit explanation before I did. I sort of felt like I would be mad at myself in a few weeks or something, after his death, for not hearing his side of things before I slaughtered him.

“Yeva, we might have been kids, but we know what love is. We knew that you were part of our family and that we would never want to be without – we knew that each day without you felt hollow, like we were missing a piece of ourselves that we would never be able to get back.”Daniil pushed Vissarion out of the way, trying to talk to me instead as though I would be nicer to him or something just because he hadn’t grabbed me.

He didn’t seem bothered that his best friend was bleeding. Kiril didn’t seem to care either. It was strange how desensitized an entire room of people could be to pain and blood. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fucking normal.

I wasn’t even nineteen yet, and I was already fucking ruined.

“You don’t know me anymore. I am not the girl I used to be.”My voice broke. “It doesn’t matter what you came here for. I am not the girl you were friends with or want vengeance and apologies for. I’m nobody and I want nothing to do with you.”

The pair softened their anger and frustration, trying a different approach even if they still weren’t listening to what I said.

“Then let us know you,”Daniil murmured. “Let us try again and prove to you how sorry we are, even if it means nothing to you.”

It was too late. Too much. I couldn’t handle it, nor did I want to and because of that, all I seemed able to say was, “No. Get out and don’t come back.”

They went to argue, but they couldn’t. Not because of me. Or even Kiril. But because of the dark and brooding man who had silently opened the door and hovered there, frowning between the lot of us as he eyed up the bloody knife, my gun, and drops of red on the floor.

“If Yeva says leave, then you leave. Kiril will escort you back to your hotel.”Beau didn’t need to threaten or shout. His presence and aura were enough to get the reaction I had wanted and really wished people had respected.

The moment all three men vanished, two of them with longing looks my way, I instantly felt calmer. Not enough to stop my tongue from spitting venom, though, purely out of annoyance that he had been enough to get my old friends to listen.

“You didn’t need to rescue me.”I snapped at Beau. “I don’t need your help.”

“Yes, I did,”He replied, his eyes rolling a bit at my tone. “My only regret is that I didn’t rescue you earlier, but I don’t think you’d care to listen to my apologies, and I don’t really make a habit of saying sorry to women, even children.”

Instantly, I knew he did not mean now. He meant all that time ago when I had been nothing – when I had been far worse than nothing.

“Why? You don’t owe me anything and I know you don’t like women. Everyone whispers about you and how you hate people like me. You hate us the same way I hate men, and that is not something you get over.” I bit at my lower lip until I drew blood, needing the bite of pain to take away the tension inside me as Beau waved me out of the room and indicated I should follow him.

Ironically, his hatred for my sex made me tolerate him more. He was one of the few people who understood the pain in my soul and the anger, and though I would never openly admit it; I felt the oddest sort of kindred vibe with him. Plus, he was legally my daddy now and knowing that he was not a fan of women yet now had a multitude of daughters made me spitefully amused.

“Yeva, I worked with your father for years before I met you. I am part of the reason he had money, contacts and whatever else he loved to shove into his skin and mouth.”He admitted.

“He trafficked children for money.” I snapped a little as we walked through the kitchen and toward the garage - not an ounce of me scared of what Beau wanted me for or why.

I didn’t trust him, on account of the whole man thing, but I also didn’t not trust him. It was strange.

“I didn’t know.”He said. “If I had known I would have killed him – you might not believe me on that, but I hope one day you will.” As we reached the door to the garage, he paused, hand resting on the handle, eyes on me with nothing but regret burning inside them. “I don’t do apologies and nice shit. I do violence and bullshit. So instead of me apologizing for my role in your father’s empire, I would like to offer you something instead.”

I was suspicious instantly, knowing that men like him rarely offered things out that were sweet or without something in return.

“Offer me what?”

“Just like the Cartels, the Bratva have a large foothold in this country, in many different places. Part of the Red Diamonds plan has always been to take over and turn whatever we can into ours. You could help do that.”

“You want me to play gangster?”I might have had a temper and a violent streak, but that didn’t usually go hand in hand with playing gangster as part of Sapphire’s crew.

Even if the idea of it intrigued me enough that I didn’t automatically tell Beau to fuck himself and walk away.

“I want you to let me train you so that one day you can take over as the Bratva branch of the Red Diamonds and make an empire ten times the size of your fathers. Partly to benefit us - a little so you can spite him.”He replied. “I wish to offer you the gift of strength and power. That’s about all I can offer you, if you want it.”

I probably should have thought about it. At least considered the reality of what he said and what it would mean. But truthfully, the moment I heard the word power, I was in. Power to stand up for myself had been something I had desperately craved for years, and to have a monster like Beau Montana offering it to me? Offering to train me in all the sick and sadistic ways that I knew his family excelled in?

I was in. I was more than in.

“Okay.”My head bobbed, blonde braids swinging around my face. “Train me and then I will consider not being a bitch to you for the next few decades for your inadvertent hand in my life being horrible.”

Not that I thought I would see another few decades of life. I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to see another year of it yet. Even so, my offer was the same.

“Okay, deal accepted.”Beau laughed.

I let him lead me into the garage happily. Lincoln was there, leaning against his car with a set of keys in his hand and wearing his usual bored and unimpressed facial expression. For the first time ever, I was actually excited to be in the presence of men – I wanted it.

“What is this?” I asked Beau, but I spoke in English, not wanting to be rude to Sapphire’s boyfriend and well-trained lapdog. Or maybe that was poorly trained lapdog, seeing as she often cussed him out and insisted he was a fool.

Beau pointed at Lincoln and the car. “Lesson one – how to handle pressure and stay calm. I figured we’d need to work on your temper control first, and this seems the best way to do it.”

“That needs this car?” I didn’t bother to ask how he knew I had a temper. I had threatened to kill his girlfriend the first time I met him, so I figured he understood the wavelengths of my brain.

He shrugged. “If you can race like Lincoln does without panic, then that’s a great first step. But the driving aspect is also to teach you patience. It takes a lot to learn to drive as well as Lincoln does, and I think it will help you and it seems better to start with something that doesn’t require you fighting me or something else that puts us in close proximity.” He explained how I would then work with Logan next, learning to look after the same cars I would be racing to gain even more patience and control. After that it would be fighting with Beau himself.

The fact he was starting with something that didn’t require his hands – a man’s hands – on me made me happier even if I kept my mouth shut about appreciating it.

“Then let us drive.” I stepped forward, eager to get started and not have to spend another day in my room, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do with the rest of my life and the ache in my chest that begged me to kill people and then myself.

Lincoln opened the driver’s side door, entirely unbothered about everything. Not that I liked him, but out of all of Sapphire’s people, I preferred Logan and Lincoln the most. In this case it was a little because Lincoln had been part of my rescue, but mostly because he was quiet and calm. He wasn’t loud and cocky, like Price and Kody. He wasn’t too soft for the world, like Misha. Logan was silent a lot, and he was patient; things I enjoyed the minimal I had to interact with him. Lincoln was the same. And if I had to pick men to teach me things, then they were a good pairing, and I could admit I wasn’t too mad about it.

I didn’t want to stab them, like I did with Kiril, Daniil and Vissarion. I didn’t want to kill them, even a little, and not just because I liked Sapphire too much to make her hurt with their loss.

Lincoln handed me the keys to his car with a stern glare.

“You fuck up my car and I’ll put you in a ditch somewhere.” He promised. “I just got it back and I have no intentions of letting someone ruin it again.”

“Then I guess you need to not be sucking as a teacher then.” I replied, pretending my lips didn’t twitch with the desire to laugh. “If you do good, then there is no need for me to crash. So this blame would be on you.”

He nodded his head, seemingly agreeing with me. “I think you’ll be fine – you’re not the princess, so it shouldn’t be hard to teach you not to crash into nothing.”

“Sapphire crashes?” I didn’t mean to grin about it, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. “I would like to become better than her. This seems good to me and if she is bad, like you say, then perhaps it can be easy for me.”

I was competitive in my soul, always had been. And though I liked Sapphire, and knew one day I would happily consider her as family in more than just surname, I would have loved to best her at something. She was better than me at most things than me, and she was a pretty cool woman. I admired her, and if I could be even a tenth like her, I would be glad because she had something I knew I would never get.

She was happy.

Even in the darkness, she was happy.